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Post by likealion on Oct 22, 2007 22:04:21 GMT -5
For my current credit card billing cycle, I racked up $84 in P charges. On average, that translates to $1,000/year!
More stats: my average P binge these days lasts about 8 hours. I binge about once a week, so that translates to over 400 hours of P per year, at my current rate of abuse.
$1000. 400 hours. My goal is to devote that kind of time and money to something positive, instead of this numbing addiction.
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Post by likealion on Oct 29, 2007 16:06:32 GMT -5
I repeated my habitual pattern of 8 hours of P bingeing this weekend. Once again, I refrained from wasting seed. It's strange to MB for so many weeks in a row without climaxing. But thank G-d, I have started to internalize the truth -- that the pleasure of spilling seed lasts for but a few minutes, while the resultant torture and agony last for weeks.
After 20 years, looking at P is no longer exciting. I search the net for hours trying to find a P-star whom I haven't seen yet, who will give me a new rush, but I have seen them all. Still, the false hope of finding that rare beauty who will turn me on keeps me coming back again and again. After all, there are always new girls who are willing to sell their bodies and corrupt their souls for P ...
I have thought a lot about these girls who become P-stars. I know more about my favorite P-stars than I do about most of my real-life female friends. Most P-stars make P for a year or two and then they retire. (There's a clipping in my friend's kitchen: Top 5 Worst Reasons For Needing a Hug: #3 -- Favorite P-Star retired.) Some do it for 5 years or more and become withered hags by age 30. I hate them all, but what can I do? They have been my poisonous substitute for actual lovers for the last 8 years. When one of my favorite P-stars retires, I feels a little bit to me like being ditched by a girlfriend. How pathetic!
I was about 11 or 12 when I was first exposed to P. I remember it was exciting, but I couldn't stop my young body from shaking. Now I understand that my pure soul was trembling at the sight of such impurity. I've defiled myself so many thousands of times since then. G-d help me.
I realized today that P is pure insanity. The movies have no plot. What little dialogue they have is usually retarded ... if the actors kept their clothes on, I wouldn't waste 5 minutes watching such crap. I watch it simply because my addict's mind craves the hormone rush that P delivers. Yet the Supreme Court has consistenly protected P under the First Amendment because of the supposed "artistic content". What nonsense. Today's P producers, like drug pushers, make hardcore, wall-to-wall smut, knowing full well what our addict minds crave. I've read that P is more addictive than heroin. If heroin is illegal, hardcore P should be illegal, too (or at least banned from the internet.) But I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for that to happen. I know that it is MY job to break this addiction, not the government's.
It wasn't until last year that I started to think about P as an addiction. And even then, in the back of my mind, I rationalized that I could always kick the habit whenever I wanted to. Now that I've being to trying to kick for over a year, I am humbled by how difficult it is for me to go more than a week without P. But I will keep trying. I simply must get over this habit. I don't want to be addicted forever. G-d help us all.
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Post by MrOuch on Nov 2, 2007 9:26:37 GMT -5
lal,
I see some growth between these two statements. Some questions I have:
Are you still viewing P? Are you still MB? What's the difference if you "spill seed" or not?
I have read your journal from the beginning and I do see a definite growth and understanding from you about your P use. I want to challenge you to develop, or at least tell us about your recovery plan. What concrete steps are you taking to clean up your habits?
Respectfully,
MrOuch
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Post by likealion on Nov 7, 2007 12:59:21 GMT -5
Yes, I still view P and MB. I would very much like to stop. For me, there is a big difference whether I spill seed or not. When I spill seed, I immediately fall into a dark depression with predictable peaks and valleys (mostly valleys), lasting for about 2 weeks. This does not occur when I simply MB and watch P without climaxing. Sometimes I look at P without touching just to numb my brain and get the hormonal rush. I have not spilled seed in almost 2 months. I have lots of energy and I don't feel depressed at all. However, I am painfully aware that I am damaging my soul and my ability to give and receive affection by looking at P.
The first step in my recovery plan is to stop the spilling of seed. I have been able to refrain for several weeks now, thank God.
The next step in my plan is to go for 2 weeks without looking at P. Lately, I have only been able to stay sober for a week at a time. My new resolution is to completely avoid using the internet at home until Thanskgiving. (Home is the only place that I have had trouble with P.)
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Post by likealion on Nov 8, 2007 16:33:16 GMT -5
Reprint of Q and A from a blogwriter and Rabbi whom I greatly respect:
Dear Rabbi Brody,
I just broke up with my boyfriend and one of the reasons that I did so was because I found out that he enjoys an extremely weird and disgusting type of pornography. I just felt defiled and dirty thinking that I was associated with someone who enjoyed those kinds of things. My friends tell me that it is normal for men to look at pornography and that they can't help it and that I was being a prude. What are the Jewish responses to the subject of pornography and why men tend to be attracted to it much more than women?
Thank you very much, Myra in Houston
Dear Myra,
I'm really happy that you broke up with the porno fiend...
You are a sensitive, very special person who deserves much better. I'm positive that the old boyfriend didn't respect you. Porno hounds are only concerned with their animal appetites, and are therefore incapable of truly relating to another person in a relationship. As a rule, their prime concern is getting what they can. Giving comes from the holy side of the spiritual spectrum, while taking comes from the impure, dark side. Don't be upset, The Almighty will be sending you someone more deserving of you.
In college, people used to call me "jock", "straight", or "square" because I wouldn't touch grass and drugs, when most of the campus was high all the time. What do you care if people call you a prude? Must your body be a public domain or your mouth speak filthy language so that people will say you're "in"? You don't need their garbage. Keep yourself on a moral pedestal because you are a king's daughter and not a cellar chambermaid.
Woman are on a naturally higher spiritual level than men. That's why they are not required to learn Torah. Unless a woman has sorely damaged her spiritual self, she won't be turned on by porno; the opposite, she'll be disgusted like you were.
It is very normal for men devoid of any spiritual cognizance or development to be blue-movie fans and porno junkies. The Almighty gave us a sexual urge for two good reasons: One, to procreate; and two, to bring happiness to our partner in life. Sex, like nuclear energy or anything else in G-d's universe, is a power that may be used for good or for evil. While some use sex to raise a family and to bring peace and happiness to their marriage, others use it to exploit other people, to make money, and to express their basest of urges. Such humans are spiritually inferior to animals; the vast majority of bird, animal, and insect species use their sexual drive only to reproduce.
The Almighty gave us the Torah to raise us above our basic animal selves. One who observes the Torah achieves a spiritual level beyond that of an angel. Judaism absolutely forbids porno in any way, shape, or form. The human body is tantamount to a sanctuary, and must be respected accordingly. Specifically, the Torah forbids looking at clothed women for the sake of sexual enjoyment; looking at porno pictures (which transgress several other prohibitions) is much more serious. A porno fiend destroys his own soul, and creates a tremendous barrier between himself and G-d's divine light. Once a person becomes severed from G-d, heaven forbid, there's no limit to his potential for spiritual and emotional corruption. For example, a porno hound will lie and steal - sometimes even kill - to satisfy his appetites.
Now, Myra, people will be calling me a prude. That's OK; PRUDE stands for Proud Respectable Undaunted Dedicated Enemy of ignorance. Blessings always, LB
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Post by MrOuch on Nov 8, 2007 22:17:06 GMT -5
lal,
That's not being P-free. Don't indulge like that. You're just feeding the beast. Porn. Lust. It's all bad for you.
I like your goal of staying P-free until Thanksgiving. You can do this. What will you do to fight off the temptation if your brain demands the hormone rush? Remember, your body is a temple. Don't defile it.
Your cheerleader,
MrOuch
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Post by likealion on Nov 12, 2007 16:33:36 GMT -5
Thank God, I made it through the weekend P-free. It's been quite a few weeks since I've managed to do that. It has been 6 clean days in all.
Of course you are right, MrOuch. No excuses. However, I do believe that it has been helpful for me to withdraw in stages. It has been at least two months since I wasted seed. Now I am focusing on controling my mental cravings. With God's loving help, I believe I am making progress in that area as well.
During my last binge (and I hope it is my last one), I read a preview of an upcoming P video that made me sick to my stomach. I am not going to go into particulars, but the "plot" of this video was so extreme and vile that it still makes me sick to think about it. Good. I pray that revulsion is the only urge that I ever experience from now on when thinking about P.
What I am doing to fight off the temptation is pledging to not surf the Internet or watch television at home until Thanksgiving. Internet and TV at home are where I stumble.
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Post by likealion on Nov 19, 2007 12:11:27 GMT -5
So tomorrow night will hopefully mark my 2-week sobriety anniversary. Thank G-d, once I made the decision that P was disgusting and not pleasurable, it has been relatively easy for me to stay focused.
Now that I lack P and MB as crutches, my social life has come into much sharper focus. Whereas P numbed my emotions and made me indifferent to pretty much everybody, I now experience highs and lows like a normal human being. I have been socializing a lot more than I had been. I've seen some of my character flaws come to the surface, ones that I thought I had conquered. All I can do is pray to G-d and try to keep improving myself.
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Post by likealion on Nov 23, 2007 0:48:57 GMT -5
Thank G-d, I have made it past Thanksgiving without stumbling. I really hope I can hold on, with three days of free time before it's back to work. Must focus ...
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Post by likealion on Nov 25, 2007 0:13:20 GMT -5
Reporting live from Saturday night, the heart of the beast. I will not succumb to temptation tonight, or tomorrow either. Must stay clean and stay strong.
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Post by likealion on Nov 25, 2007 20:08:19 GMT -5
Sunday night and I got no love for P. What's P got to do with me? Nothing -- that's why I leave it alone.
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Post by likealion on Nov 27, 2007 22:19:23 GMT -5
Tonight = 3 weeks of sobriety. I have become very S E N S I T I V E to everything that is going on around me. The world is filled with howling monkeys. I just want peace of mind.
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Post by likealion on Nov 28, 2007 21:57:58 GMT -5
With, thank G-d, three weeks-plus of no nonsense under my belt, I'm starting to reflect on how life is different without P.
One thing I know for sure -- P and MB cause irrational, deep depression. I don't miss that one bit.
To satisfy my addiction, I found that I was getting into more extreme and violent forms of P. Then I read a preview of an upcoming movie that sounded so disgusting, it made me realize that I could not continue this habit and still pretend to be a good person. Whenever I feel the stirrings of temptation, I just think of this movie, and thinking about it makes me sick.
I thought kicking the P/MB habit would make me more social. So far, it has not. Since my powers of concentration have increased, my main desire is for study and prayer, not parties.
On a positive note: the other night, I felt the stirrings of an emotion that I have not felt in many years -- loneliness. I was actually very happy to feel this way. Since my failed pursuit of a woman in summer of '06, I have not been motivated to date anyone. After all, I had a harem of women on my computer screen who were willing to do anything for me. Now, my P girls are gone; hopefully, I'll soon feel motivated enough to try to attract a real woman.
I still don't have much patience for social interaction. I don't like small talk. How I am supposed to develop "chemistry" if I don't make small talk? I feel that P has wrecked my sense of compassion. Years ago, when I still had compassion, I didn't seem to mind the small talk so much.
I just saw the following quote on Spectre50's journal. How true! G-d help us!
“…A frequent side effect is that it also dramatically reduces their [the P user’s] capacity to love (e.g., it results in a marked dissociation of sex from friendship, affection, caring, and other normal healthy emotions and traits which help marital relationships). Their sexual side becomes in a sense dehumanized. Many of them develop an “alien ego state” (or dark side), whose core is antisocial lust devoid of most values…It makes no difference if one is an eminent physician, attorney, minister, athlete, corporate executive, college president, unskilled laborer, or an average 15 year old boy. All can be conditioned to deviancy.” (Victor B. Cline quoted by Cothran, Helen. Pornography: Opposing Viewpoints. Greenhaven Press, Inc. San Diego, CA. ©2002)"
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Post by MrOuch on Dec 1, 2007 1:48:17 GMT -5
likealion,
Just checking in on you dude. How's it going today? Stay clean.
MrOuch
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Post by likealion on Dec 2, 2007 2:40:02 GMT -5
I'm clean, you're clean, we're all clean for ice cream.
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