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Post by likealion on Jul 4, 2007 20:41:00 GMT -5
Hello everyone. It is nice to find a place where so many people are struggling to overcome the same addiction. I am highly impressed with the brave souls who have been able to stay clean for several months and, in some cases, years. Personally, the longest I have gone without MB is about 50 days. Lately, I have been succumbing to P and MB cravings about once a week on average. My most recent slip was about an hour ago ... *sigh*
I am an observant Jew, dedicated to serving God. Many of my friends look to me for guidance in matters of faith and practice. I am disgusted and ashamed to be hooked on P and MB. The great rabbis universally condemn MB as the most grievous of sins, while acknowledging that this is the main test that a man must face against his evil inclination. Particularly horrifying to me is the kabbalistic teaching that the act of spilling one's seed in vain causes all of the positive energy created through one's good deeds to be seized by the dark forces. I feel like the dark side is milking me like a cow, sending me out every week to graze in the pastures of purity, only to seize my life force at the end of the week ...
I have felt somewhat detached from life these past few months. Closer to God, but farther away from human beings. I have not had much desire to nourish my current relationships, nor create new ones. Last year, I sincerely tried to date and find a wife, but I experienced a very painful rejection (from someone whom I am still attracted to). It took me 5 years to get over my last rejection ... I hope this current one doesn't take nearly that long. When I fall in love, I tend to put my love interest on a pedestal, and all other girls look inferior in comparison, which is why it is so hard for me to move on. I sincerely want to take the energy that I am currently wasting on P and MB and invest that energy in dating. But I just find myself getting more reclusive and introverted, and I keep slipping back into this addiction.
If I could stay clean for 100 days, I would consider that a big accomplishment.
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Post by likealion on Jul 7, 2007 22:20:30 GMT -5
It's almost at the end of Day 3 for me. I'm reluctant to even log on to the computer anymore because just checking my email and myspace inevitably exposes me to little pictures of women in bikinis and lingerie. I honestly don't understand how EVERY guy doesn't get hooked on P at some point ... the internet is just full of it.
Anyway, I've gotten into the habit of talking to myself periodically throughout the day, to remind myself how evil and destructive P is. That helps.
I play in a band ... we have a show tonight, but I skipped out on it because today falls in a period in Judaism known as the "3 weeks" in which I customarily refrain from parties and live music. Just as well ... the last time I played a show, I got a lot of female attention ... it made me very horny, and when I got home, I wasted no time MBing. Tonight my only goal is to fall asleep at a reasonable hour and have as positive a day tomorrow as I did today.
Good night.
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Post by nowforever on Jul 8, 2007 0:30:13 GMT -5
Hi likealion and welcome to the boards,
Just wanted to say hi and offer some support. P and MB have an insidious way of draining our vitality and sapping our motivation. Joining this board and committing yourself to recovery are good first steps toward walking the road to recovery. Kicking the habit is not easy, but will pay exponential dividends once we succeed.
Happy to see you here and good luck ...
-NF
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Post by feelashamed on Jul 8, 2007 3:07:23 GMT -5
Hello Likea lion,
Welcome...your not alone.
My life is very different from yours and yet there are certain similarities. Just to take a couple of words from your introduction..."detached"and "introverted". Your addiction loves words like this..it's got you exactly where it wants you...alone with your thoughts. Your not alone of course when your on here. When i spend to long in my own company i start to get a bit lost in my thinking and my mind starts to run with any lustful thoughts i maybe having and then it's as if will power just melts away. I think that "finding ways to keep talking" helps.
Keep reading..keep posting thats what i suggest..its starting to work for me..it got me through an urge last night and today I feel proud of myself. all the best...one day at a time
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Post by likealion on Jul 8, 2007 23:09:45 GMT -5
Today (Day 4) was consistently challenging. There were many times during the day in which I was tempted to enact the pathetic self-rape which I have grown so accustomed to. Fortunately, I was surrounded by people all day (studio sessions), so I kept my cool.
When I picked up the computer just now to check my email, I gave myself a 50% of stumbling. Fortunately, I did not. When I am finished with this post, I will turn off the computer and go to bed.
It is comforting to know that there many people on this board who are successfully battling this addiction.
Good night.
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Post by likealion on Jul 10, 2007 3:24:07 GMT -5
I blew it tonight. It's like the more I try to fight this, the harder it gets. I think I had more willpower last year. I think I've MB'd more in the last 3 months than I did all of last year. I appreciate the advice someone gave me not to give indulge in the feelings of introvertedness and isolation. I want to stop living in my head, because the addiction is beating me on that turf. Additional practical suggestions would be appreciated.
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Post by likealion on Jul 10, 2007 12:15:50 GMT -5
After my misadventure last night, I overslept this morning by an hour. This was the first time I can recall oversleeping on a work day since I started working full time about 8 years ago. Ironically, I took the experience as a "wake-up call". As long as I was a "functional addict", I didn't feel such a need to quit. Now I have evidence how this addiction is directly affecting the healthy part of my life.
Instead of wallowing in self pity -- the way I usually do after I MB -- I got angry at myself. I started shouting at myself the way I would shout at someone who did something really awful. This was something of a breakthrough for me, since I almost never get mad or yell about anything or anyone. It felt empowering. May this be the start of a new, addiction-free chapter in my life.
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Post by nowforever on Jul 10, 2007 19:20:10 GMT -5
Way to go LOL. Getting up after a slip is not an easy thing to do.
Keep up the good work!
-NF
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Post by darrul on Jul 10, 2007 19:30:15 GMT -5
I'ts been one day, and I want to make it through the rest of this month,with no slips.
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Post by msspringerville on Jul 11, 2007 12:31:23 GMT -5
Hi likealion! Welcome! I am also a new member joined July 2nd and have to say it has been the hardest time of my life. I am fighting to keep up with it and have made it 7 days so far but the first week I slipped everyday. I spend alot of time here so that I can get my hed away from what I really want to do and it is helping. Just remember that you can do it. The board has really helped me stick with it. Goodluck! Keep it up.
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Post by likealion on Jul 12, 2007 12:21:56 GMT -5
One of the symptons of looking at P is that it numbs my emotions. The numbness seems to last for about three days. Then the supressed emotions come rushing back in waves and I struggle to keep my balance. I seem to recall from past clean breaks that it takes me about 2 weeks of no P before I feel "normal" again. Right now I'm taking deep breaths, trying to bring the normalcy back ahead of schedule, if possible.
A true story: About 20 years ago, some of the little kids in my neighborhood found a dirty magazine in an abandoned lot. I grabbed it from them and tore it up. Then I went back a few hours later and tried to find some intact pages because I felt the craving for P. I feel like I haven't changed much. My friends look up to me as a moral person, and yet I have this secret, evil addiction.
The Sages have a teaching, "Don't trust yourself until the day you die." They cite the example of Yochanan the High Priest who servied faithfully in the Holy Temple for 80 years, only to become a heretic at the end of his life. How much more so does a simple person like me need to be constantly vigilant against falling into the dark side?
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Post by likealion on Jul 12, 2007 22:39:16 GMT -5
So it comes down to numbers: True, MB and P add up to a tremendous rush -- for a few hours. Then there's the (minimum) week-long hangover.
Lesson: Nothing is worth a week-long hangover.
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Post by likealion on Jul 16, 2007 10:12:05 GMT -5
Thank God, I made it through the weekend. Hosting numerous houseguests kept me busy and far from depression.
I'm still meditating on the thought that despite the rush which P/MB delivers, it simply isn't worth the cost. I'm not going to pretend that I don't enjoy P/MB, when in fact I love it. But I'm not going to ruin my soul, my emotional balance and my social life for the sake of a sleazy joyride.
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Post by likealion on Jul 18, 2007 14:49:58 GMT -5
Now that it's been 8 1/2 days, my emotions are no longer numb. I experience life with extreme clarity. The downside is rough days like today, when I feel drained by things that probably wouldn't effect me at all if I were hitting the P. I am reflecting on KEY 3: "Pain, Not Porn, is Part of any Happy Life". I accept the pain, and pray for recovery and healing.
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Post by arctic on Jul 18, 2007 15:22:33 GMT -5
Hi Likealion,
I just wanted to say hello and welcome too! How do you like the Ten Keys then? I got it a couple of weeks ago and found it very helpful. Have you read the 'In the Shadows of the Net' by Carnes et al.? If not, I would recommend it. I believe that knowledge truly is the king when it comes to fighting our addiction.
Keep up the good work sir and I hope to see more of your posts in the future.
Best, Arctic
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