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Post by ferdberfil on Apr 2, 2007 11:39:29 GMT -5
Hey arctic-
Just checking in. You are a cool isle of sanity around here. Keep on keepin' on, brother.
Hope you're well.
-FB
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Post by arctic on Apr 2, 2007 12:04:15 GMT -5
Thanks for your kind comments Choselife, Malachi C (Malachi C???!!!), and FB. I'll visit your journals when I get a moment, but just now I need to rush home and help my wife prepare a couple of job applications. She's having a really tough time breaking through racial stereotypes during her job search, since she has this problem of not being entirely white. Or not at all, actually. And despite what I as a white person would like to believe of the existence of racism in today's society, I guess we still have a long a way to go as a nation before we can talk about true equality. But I'm sure there will be a way...we just can't see one yet. Anyways, my recovery is going fine, but geez, look at the time, I'm late already!
Be seeing you, Arctic
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Post by arctic on Apr 8, 2007 7:29:25 GMT -5
Greetings,
Day 89 of sobriety and still counting. Yet again it's been such a long time since I've been to my journal that I don't quite know where to start. But since everything must be started somewhere, I might as well start right here.
Well, one thing I've been working on recently is trying to examine my automatic responses to things that happen to me in everyday life, and to change these into positive and productive responses. You see, the ones that come automatically to me, are quite often far from productive, but thankfully, I've now discovered that I can use my self-awareness and freewill to modify them. An example of this that I will probably remember a long time, comes from a couple of days ago.
You see, recently me and my wife have been a bit low on the finances, because she has been unable to find a well paying job, and where we live is bloody expensive. Hence, the bank accounts are slowly drifting into overdraft and the pockets are as empty as, well I don't know what, but empty in any case. Despite this, my wife has decided that she will attend an international conference in Africa in a couple of months, which will not come cheap, as you can imagine. Admittedly, her attendance would be great from the perceptive of boosting her career, and besides she's been accepted to present her data. But I've still been a bit puzzled as to where in the blazes she is going to produce the hard cash required to pay for the whole thing. Well it turns out that she had a plan, of sorts.
On Thursday, she announced to me that she had quit her temporary IT job, which we absolutely required to keep our ship afloat, and told me that instead, she was going to claim her this years tax back, which would amount to 2000 pounds. Plently to help us through a couple of months when combined with my salary, and also enough to pay for the conference. It also turns out, and she didn't make this particularly clear to me, that it was the last day of the tax year and if we didn't make it to the tax office before closed for the day, we would not get a penny. So we quickly drove to the tax office, which she had checked on the web was going to close at 5pm. But lo and behold, when we got there, we found that the damn place had closed early since it's the Easter Thursday, and so we lose the 2000 pounds just like that. Geez! Surely my wife could have anticipated this and perhaps given them a call!
Now I must admit that in the past I would have been slightly peeved at this stage, to put the point mildly, but this time, althought I was a little annoyed, I decided to test whether I could in fact choose my response to this seemingly negative situation. At first I decided that there was nothing we could do about the situation, and that getting angry about it would benefit no one. So I quickly calmed my nerves, and noticing that my wife was feeling very bad and concerned that I might be furious at her, I decided to initiate pleasant conversation to direct her and my attention away from what had happened.
This got us through the initial stages of the potential cause of much unpleasantness, and we went home. I then asked her how she now intended to attend the conference since we clearly had no extra money to spend, and she replied that she would try to get a loan, and failing that, she would simply not go. Well this seemed perfectly logical, but I nevertheless asked myself the question whether in fact it would be possible to get someone to give us the money, which would take away the burden of having to resort to bank loans. I thought about this for a while and realised that it could be done. We could write to as many companies we could think of, asking them to sponsor her. In fact, I happen to know that in the business that we're in there is a lot of global pressure for certain kinds of companies to appear supportive of Africans, whether they really mean it or not, and I thought that we could use this to our advantage.
So on Friday I searched and printed out the names and addresses of 50 leading UK (certain types of) companies, and found out by doing more internet searches about how to best raise funds . Yesterday, I drafted a letter, which I'm quite proud of, which we will now mail to all of these companies. I've also amassed the envelopes and gotten some executive paper onto which we will print the letters. I bet my belongings that collectively, the money from these companies will cover her travel costs and allow her to attend the conference, which in turn willl benefit our little family of two in the long run.
So I thought this was a nice demonstration of how I was able to choose a positive response to something that in the past would have left me feeling depressed, angry, and sulking for days. Now I feel absolutely empowered, and I'm also getting some experience in fund raising, something that I've never even thought about before!
Another thing that I've been working on is writing a personal mission statement. I was reminded of this idea when reading the 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People, and thought that it would make a lot of sense to have one, now that I'm actually living my life instead of just observing it from the side lines. My mission statement so far goes a little something like this.
I will: - Always put my family first. - Never compromised with honesty. - Listen to my conscience. - Be considerate of others. - Give help to those who need it. - Prepare tomorrow's work today. - Fully focus on the task at hand. - Seek to understand others. - Focus on things in my circle of influence. - Engage in activities with long-term benefits. - Be humble and open to learning and growth. - Nurture other people's strengths. - Strive to see the best in others. - Honor the commitments I make. - View challenges as opportunities to grow. - Show love to those closest to me. - Speak out and be courageous. - Attend to all tasks at my earliest convenience. - Grasp opportunities to spend time with friends and loved ones. - Live in the moment. - Engage in activities that promote physical health. - Be patient with myself and others.
I'm going to print these out and put them somewhere I can see them, and keep reviewing them until they become an integral part of my personal constitution. In fact, why don't I copy them into word right now, since I've typed them out. Ok, done.
I'm also very happy with my goals which I've set somewhere above, but I will modify them a little bit right here. The modifacations are shown in brackets, and I also explain why the modifacation was made.
1) Publish two first author papers by the end of this year.
2) Own a 2 (or 3) bedroom home by the end of this year, in one of the two of my favourite areas of the city. (It now seems that as soon as my wife gets a good job, we can actually afford three bedrooms, one which could accommodate a lodger to bring us some extra income).
3) Ensure that my wife is in a good job by the end of April.
4) Ensure that the two PhD students whom I immediately supervise publish one first author paper this year.
5) Write a 50-100 (20-30) page review of my subject area by the end of May. (This is a more achievable lenght. I have so many other things to do all the time that I would have to work flat out day in day out to write even 50 pages, and doing this doesn't sound worth it. Too much stress and no time to do fun things, which are critical to recovery. Besides, a goal has to be such that you can believe that its achiement is possible.)
6) Give my full attention to whatever I do, or whomever I speak with until the end of June, and if doing this proves fun, until the end of the year. (Delete this goal. It is not a goal, since it is not measurable. Instead, I've made it part of my mission statement, although the wording is different.)
7) Increase my income by 500 pounds a month. (I've added this goal, because an increased income would allow us to get our own home much more quickly. I think I can do this by giving some private tutoring and in fact I've already taken steps to this direction.)
Overall, my recovery is going really well, and I'm finding that having turned my life into something that it absolutely incompatible with porn addiction is helping enormously. Besides, I think that one has to feel that a life without P must is more exciting that a life with P. How else could one feel that staying sober is worth it? I mean this in the long run. At first I remember that I used to feel bloody horrible after starting my sobriety, but my belief in the value of sobriety got me through this initial stage, and now having changed my life completely, I simply don't want to go back to my old ways any more, because where I'm now is feeling pretty awesome, really. I still sometimes get dreams of acting out, and I'm trying to figure out if there is some kind of trigger of pattern that causes them. Maybe that will help.
Anyways, take care everyone and see you later.
Arctic
Ps. Never give up the fight! And remember, unlike a boxing match, it gets easier as you go along.
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Post by arctic on Apr 12, 2007 11:36:41 GMT -5
Yello,
Today is DAY 93 of sobriety for me, which means that only one week to go until I reach the 100 day goal and earn a start after my username in the 100 day challenge. Then what happens? I guess I'll sign up for another round or something...
I'm continuing on my personal development plans. I have now started something called a '10-day mental' challenge, which I encountered in a book by Anthony Robbins. I've read about it many times before, but I've never really given it much serious thought. So the idea is to spend 10 consecutive days in a positive state of mind, focussing on solutions instead of problems most of the time. If I start to focus on a problem, or something negative, I immediately have to change my focus and start thinking about solutions and things that I find exciting my life. If I allow myself to dwell on anything negative for any significant lenght of time, I have to start the 10 day challenge all over again the following morning. The value of this exercise is to make one aware of one's habitual thinking patterns, many of which are likely to be pretty negative and unproductive, and install in their place new productive habits in which solutions become the focus of one's everyday existence.
I figured that I should be able to complete this challenge no problem, because I have succesfully been able to keep porn out of my mind more than 99.9% of the time. Similarly, it shouldn't be that difficult to keep negative thoughts out of my mind. I am doing pretty well so far, and been having one helluva productive and fun day today. My wife is also taking part in this challenge, but I can tell you that she is going to have much tougher time at it than I am. But she's a tough cookie and I think that she'll pull through. By the way, her job prospects look a lot better now, and she's got several promising applications pending.
I'm still working on my own personal mission statement, because I realised that what I wrote above about isn't really a mission statement that I particularly identify with, but more like a collection of desirable behaviours and character traits. Writing them down has nevertheless made me more aware of my own behaviours and given me motivation to be better, but I'll still need to sit down and seriously reflect on what my mission in this world really is. I think it will be something to do with teaching and public speaking, because that's something I really enjoy.
I also printed out the my goals and the 'Seven Lies of Success' and glued them to one of the early pages in my diary, so that I can glance at them every so often.
Haven't been feeling any urges to look at porn or MB, and I feel very positive about this. Seems like my idea of trying to live life to the fullest is proving to be an excellent antidote! Sometimes I still find myself secretly hoping that an actress in a movie would flash something, but I guess I just have to give myself time for this little blot on my behaviour to die out. In the mean time, I'm selecting what to watch very carefully, and if something triggering does appear, I just look away. It's working pretty well.
Anyways, better run since I 'm going to view an appartment with my wife.
Cheerio, Arctic
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Post by suedehead on Apr 12, 2007 12:13:52 GMT -5
Hey Arctic.
Just thought I'd drop in. Your posts are a breath of fresh air. I've been really quite depressed lately--no explanation that I can think of. But I've been in a pretty thoroughly negative place. Just can't seem to snap out of my indifference.
Thanks for exemplifying recovery in such a positive light, and for reminding me that it's not just about sobriety; it's about the way one envisions his/her entire life.
Have another great day.
rbc2
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Post by ferdberfil on Apr 12, 2007 19:09:50 GMT -5
Hey artctic, hey rbc2-
I always enjoy it when artctic posts because he is a pretty positive guy.
I'm feeling a bit depressed today too. No good reason (not porning, life is OK otherwise), but I'm dragging for some reason.
Just wanted to check in and breathe the fresh arctic breeze. :-)
-FB
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Post by manic on Apr 13, 2007 8:56:34 GMT -5
Hey Arctic,
Just here to say hello. You have some wonderful positive things going on! At the moment, I'm in the depression club with rbc2 and FB, unfortunately.
Keep up the good work!
Manic
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Post by arctic on Apr 13, 2007 12:39:24 GMT -5
Hi guys,
And thanks for dropping in! It's always a pleasure!
I think I'm still with the 10 day challenge, although I've been so tired today that I'm not so sure about it. Yesterday, I felt awesome, and and this morning I woke up really early by accident, but because I was so keen on getting started with my day, I decided to get up. Big mistake! I've been so sleepy all day that there's no descibing it, and knowing whether I've been in a positive or a negative state of mind, or no state at all, hasn't been exactly easy. But I guess I count myself still in, because I haven't dwelled on anything negative.
I didn't manage to complete all the tasks that I had set myself today though, but this is more to do with me being completely unrealistic with my task setting than it is with my not getting things done in general. But I did get the MOST important task done today, which was to complete a flow chart for a grant application that me and my pal are submitting soon. The other stuff on my list, which did not get done, will now simply be shifted along to a later date, and be done then. I guess I'll be ok as long as I continue to put first things first every day.
I also find out from my wife that she will be getting her taxes back afterall, despite missing the office hours the other day, and that there will probably be more money coming than we expected. So not would my having gotten angry with her the other had been for nothing, but now we also stand a good chance of being able to raise her conference money from big companies, leaving our tax returns untouched.
I'm still to decide what to do tonight, but I'm dedicated that it will be something fun with my wife. Maybe we could pop in to our favourite cafe, or perhaps go to the movies. Maybe watch a movie at home, or just chill reading our favourite books...
Ok, she's here now so I better go.
See ya, Arctic
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Post by arctic on Apr 17, 2007 12:02:02 GMT -5
Hallo,
I am in truly in a hurry today, because I have decided to go to the gym early, and pass through the park first do a few chin ups before I hit the gym for the rest of the workout.
I just wanted to do a quick update on the events. Basically I've decided to abandon the 10-day positive thinking challenge, because I noticed that this introduced an unpleasant element on pressure on me, which had not been there before. In fact, I don't know why I ended up on this challenge in the first place, because I was already thinking about solutions all time anyway and not dwelling on the negative. Therefore, taking the challlenge was trying to fix it when it was not broke, and consequently, the results were more negative than they were positive. I actually started to feel this terrible pressure in my head and it was difficult to enjoy anything. Now I've been trying to fight off this terrible feeling and get back to my usual positive groove. I am finally having success at doing this today thank Moses.
I've also realised something very important about my goals. They suck. Well actually they don't suck as such, but they are not set in a way such that they can give me lasting momentum. You see the problem with the way I set my goals is that they are vague, and I just read from somewhere that one of most common errors with goal setting is to have vague goals instead of doable goals. For example, my goal of publishing two papers this year is certainly very noble and worth of achieving but it is also incredibly vague. It doesn't come with a strategy, nor has its doability been thoroughly evaluated. Two papers this year was simply a goal I pulled out of a hat, because I thought that by publishing a couple of papers this year I would prove to myself that I was back on track, and also make me feel inner pride. It would also prove my professsional capabilities and ensure that I can progress in my work, and thereby ensure a secure future for my family through pay rises and better future opportunities. I also wanted to inspire others through my example to be as good as they could be.
All of these are very important things and noble thoughts, but now that I think about it more, they are more congruent with my personal mission than anything else. I also think it was because of having these vague goals that they started to lose their ability to fire me up, and I was left feeling a little bit aimless, which always used to be my default state. Having these goals did work at the begin though, but I think this was more to do with the fact that I was very excited about having set serious, written goals for perhaps the first time in my life, and I was burning to start working towards their achievement. But as soon as this novelty wore off, I was left feeling confused about what exactly I was supposed to be doing . Publish two papers this year, have my wife in a good job, increase my income by this and that amount. What, how, when, help!
Now the old arctic, or perhaps I shoud say 'the dude who preceded arctic', would at this point have said 'Ok, goals clearly dont' work for me, so I will quit even trying to set and achieve them'. Now arctic, he's quite different, and much tougher and wiser than the pre-arctic fellow we just met, and that's why he now says 'Ahaa! My goals don't seem to be quite working the way I'd like them. What am I doing wrong? Let's look at those goals and see if they are in the correct format...Ok, no they're not. Now, let's modify them to be in the right format and try again.' And that's why I've started working on a precice plan as to how to best carry out my research from day to day, from moment to moment, until I'm down to the nitty gritty and can run my professional life like a seasosed conductor of a symphony orchestra.
I came up with the idea of producing such a plan last night when I was in bed. It was one of those moments when I could practically hear the Halleluja Chorus sign, and I felt a bit like Jake and Elwood did in the scene in Blues Brothers when they realised that they were meant to put the band back together. It felt really nice, and today I've been working at producing such a plan all day, at it feels RIGHT. I shall go through similar process with all the other goals that I have already set, and probably set some new ones in the process too. I shall post my progress here, but now I really need to go because my stomach would like a meal right now thank you very much, plus I'm still to go and do those chin ups in the park etc.
Cheerio and may the schwarz be with you, Arctic
Ps. I didn't plan this message to be this long, honest.
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Post by ferdberfil on Apr 17, 2007 13:13:52 GMT -5
Hi arctic-
Just checking in. Yeah, your goals sounded real big. Dunno about vague, but big. There is a difference between goals and objectives of course (I'm sure you know that).
I'm sending good thoughts in your direction, sir.
-FB
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Post by manic on Apr 18, 2007 4:46:45 GMT -5
Hi Arctic,
Good post. I feel sympathy here, especially with "feeling a little bit aimless". The only slight worry I had after reading your post was that you become dependent on hearing the Halleluja Chorus sing every time you get stuck or your momentum drops a little bit. It may be the case that you just have to stick with the plan and dig deeper (well, not this time obviously, you made it perfectly clear why you had to change your goals). And I quickly realized that you're already working very hard (much harder than I am) and are getting tougher and wiser every day. So keep up the good work and let us know how you're getting on with the new goals.
Manic
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Post by arctic on Apr 19, 2007 11:59:01 GMT -5
Hello fellows and thanks for visiting!
FB, I know some of the goals were a little bit too big, but I have come to believe that one should dream as big as possible. But what I got wrong this time, was the time frame I attached to my goals, and also, I didn't immediately produce a plan how to achieve my goals. That's why I ended up feeling a little droopy.
Manic, I agree that it is a dangerous to become hooked on Heureka moments because they don't seem to come very often. Isn't success supposed to be 1% inspiration and 99% hard work, or something along those lines? But what I'm trying to achieve is to keep adapting my plan, because I know that as far as setting goals etc. goes I am a total novice, and that's why I kind of expect to get things wrong the first time around. I'm just keeping my eyes open and seeking out what works best.
Anyways, there was something very important that I wanted to write here. Something unexpected that happened yesterday, which incidentally was my 99th day of sobriety. You see, I experienced a serious bout of the 'addict trance' without actually viewing anything sexual, which left me feeling utterly confused and surprised. What happened was this.
Yesterday, and a couple of days before, I had been feeling quite low. Almost depressed for some strange reason, and unable to see life through the positive looking glass I had become so accustomed to wielding recently. I was working on the detailed work plan I mentioned in my previous entry, but I just couldn't find the good vibes that I was expecting to be getting. In fact, I felt downright awful. A collegue of mine then popped into my office and brought me a pile of Pink Floyd and Dire Straits CDs which I had asked him to lend me, as I have recently discovered that I quite like their music. So I figured that listening to Pink Floyd's Learning to Fly might cheer me up and I popped into my computer and decided to use WMP 10 to play it.
So the program opens and I see the familiar controls etc, and then suddenly I remember one incident in the past when I meant to play a music CD using WMP 10, but instead of playing the CD, I hit a history button or something and out jumps this porn flick which I had been viewing previously. Obviously, this was not a problem as such back in those days when I was acting out, but I nevertheless panicked because I think that my wife was in the room at the time, and I feared that she might see what was happening. So I could still remember this incident pretty well yesterday. Anyway, as soon as I opened WMP 10, this thought rushes into my head that perhaps that same flick could still be stored in the program's history files, and what would happen if I accidently were on click it. Would I see something?
I immediately entered this state of trance which at the same time felt good and terrible. Good because I had been feeling pretty low before and I suddenly had this surge of adrenaline dancing through my system, bad because I felt very afraid and confused. I actually, and I am totally aghast to admit this, clicked through a couple of menus to see if the file history was still there, and I still don't know what I would have done had I found a link the contents of which I couldn't predict. Would I have clicked on it to find out what would appear on my screen? Would I simply have deleted it, thinking that it would be better to be safe than sorry. The answer: I really don't know. But the state of mind I was in was certainly not right. After this, I sort of woke up, quickly closed the media player, and started playing my CD using another program with no associations with my past. But I felt awful, scared, dissappointed, and most importantly, humbled by my experienced.
I just didn't expect to find myself in that position of teetering on the brink of disaster after having been sober for a solid 99 days, and also having changed my thinking to a very positive direction. I take this as a stark reminder of the persistence of my inner addict, who always seems to be lurking under the surface, ready to pounce if you give him half a chance. Later on the day, I actually reminded myself that I was ADDICT arctic, and I should not take my recovery lightly, ever.
In fact, I had noticed that over the previous few days, I had allowed myself to ogle at women for fractions of seconds more than I normally would, which is against the policy of zero-tolerance I had been trying to maintain with regards to the matter. But the summer is coming and the clothing is getting lighter and lighter, and I guess I had not been mentally prepared to cope with this. So, I would often glance at women despite KNOWING that my motives were not pure, and on some level I was feeling very dissappointed with myself for becoming a little lax. To address this problem, I will now draw strenght and wisdom from my yesteday's moment of weakness and reacquire my path of no-compromise with regards to ogling, and the rest of it. I will again be addict artic, whose face is tight and eyes focussed, but who nevertheless smiles easily at people whom he encounters.
So yesterday, I spent a good bit of time thinking of you FB, and your experience of the addict's trance you had after two years of sobriety. Knowing that you are nevertheless doing great today, gave me strenght and allowed me to reassure myself that I was not experiencing anything unheard of. However, I only achieved complete peace of mind after I told my wife in the evening about the experience I had had. She was very understanding and told me that she would continue to be supportive of me and listen to my problems as long as refrained from viewing porn. I feel very greatful that I have her, and I don't know if I could do this alone. It certainly would be a whole lot harder, that I am pretty sure about.
Anyways, I am feeling very good today, and also, quite positive and energized. I try to think of yesterday in terms of one of the '7 lies of success', which states that 'everything that happens to us happens for a reason and a purpose, and it serves us'. When I view my negative experiences through this looking glass, instead of becoming discouraged about my future prospects, I grow wiser and stronger, and better able to cope with challenges that lie ahead.
See you everyone, Arctic
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Post by ferdberfil on Apr 19, 2007 12:14:16 GMT -5
Hey arctic-
Well, technically I've been clean from porn for about six months. I've had a few slips over the past two years. I had one slip back in January. My history isn't as rosy as all that. HOWEVER, I *have* had some great improvement over the past two years, compared to the previous two. No question about it. I just don't want to hold myself up as a paragon of perfection or anything.
I salute you for keeping very close eye on that "trance" issue. I think that's probably what would trip either one of us up... I don't believe either you or I have any plans to relapse, I think both of us are extremely committed to recovery. However, this is an *addiction*, meaning we wore some pretty deep grooves into our brains in terms of conditioning.... porn is a very reinforcing activity and very powerful, and while I think referring to porn as a "disease" is a crazy metaphor that is inappropriate in a lot of ways, it is true that as PAs, we've really unfortunately rewired our brains by the behaviors we've chosen to engage in.
However, the GOOD news is that by engaging in all these alternative behaviors (e.g., recovery-oriented behaviors), we've taken steps to 'route around' our addiction rewiring. That, combined with sustained abstinence means that over time, our "addictive circuits" will simply go dormant, start gathering dust, and fade over time. Once we dust off those circuits and use them again, we're in serious trouble, because that just re-energizes the circuit, but I think over time one can really gain a lot of power over this stuff.
I loved that equation you put together a while back, arctic...
RECOVERY = ABSTINENCE + PERSONAL CHANGE
Really, that's all it is. And it sounds like you're working reasonably hard on both.
Good to see you around, sir!
-FB
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Post by arctic on Apr 22, 2007 11:30:29 GMT -5
Just a quick entry today, since I've already stayed in the office for a while and would like to go home to enjoy the rest of my Sunday.
For the past couple of days I have felt very centered, which is a nice change from the feeling I had for several days of having my head explode. One thing I'm now doing differently is not forcing things. I am not forcing myself to think about goals all the time, not forcing my self-development, or my learning. I just try to take a little breather and let things flow naturally. I think that this is very important in my case, because I have a tendency to turn everything into a compulsion. I tend to go into extremes and when I do something I do it with 100% intensity and all the time. That is not good. That is not healthy. And it makes my head hurt. I'm glad I've been able to remind myself of this little tendency of mine, and have been able to step back a little and relax. I'm feeling a lot better already, much like I did before that idiotic move of mine of taking part in the ten day mental challenge. I haven't felt any urges or experienced the trance either. Great. Life is not half as bad as not quite as many as you might think have often thought it could have been had things been a little different.
Today I've been looking into teaching in this university by printing out pages after pages of course details, so I can decide which ones would be best suited for me to get involved in. Doing this makes me feel great, because I feel that I am really making a good investment for my future. I've also applied to do some teaching at the open university, which is another great way of upping my game, getting experience, and building the career that I want. Perhaps one day when I get enough experience in teaching in the developed countries, me and my wife can head to Africa and organise some high quality university teaching there. I think that doing something like this would be deeply fullfilling, because you'd be helping address human suffering on such a fundamental level: by educating the nation's young minds to enable them to build up their own countries, which the west otherwise don't give a sh!t about. Giving aid is a quick fix. Establishing high quality learning facilities is a long term solution. Hmm... I think I can feel my personal mission lurking somewhere near...
Which reminds me...I'm going to plan my coming week around my roles. Basically, I'm going to identify all the roles that have in my life right now, such as a husband, a researcher, a supervisor, a mentor, a son, a friend, a colleque, an individual, a support board member etc., and set a couple of achievable goals, which are aligned with my values and mission, for each of them. Then I'm going to allocate the small goals space on my weekly planning sheet and make them a priority. I'll report here how this works out for me, but I like this idea, because it helps one keep one's efforts balanced, so that one doesn't only focus on one or two areas of one's life, neglecting everything else.
Ok, nice talking to you again. Take care.
Arctic
Ps. I'm still adhering to my policy of not coming here until after 5 pm on weekdays, and it's working like magic.
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Post by arctic on Apr 25, 2007 11:44:56 GMT -5
Hello, hello,
Today has been one helluva hard day at work and I feel very tired. In fact I feel that I've been working pretty much all the time for the past three days, because as soon as I finish at work I go home and start helping my wife with job applications and all the associated paraphernalia. Today for example, we're working on a powerpoint presentation that she will be giving in three job interviews that she has been invited to. By the way, I'm really excited to see her finally getting into those interviews, because it was very painful watching her self confidence being eroded by the apparent lack of interest in her displayed by all the potential employers. So, although I most likely will not achieve my rather randomly selected goal of ensuring that my wife is in a good job by the end of April, at least I've assisted her in getting into three interviews. And oh, one of the interviews is in New York, which I'm kinda worried about...I dread to imagine what it would be like for her to move to a different country at this stage of my sobriety...I'm sure I would survive though, because I'm getting pretty hooked on being sober. It's ultimately so much more satisfying than acting out, which feels good for about 30 minutes a day, and then leaves you in the grip of self-loathing, fear, and guilt for the rest of it. Therefore, acting out in my case tranlates into 30:1390, when expressed as minutes felt good: minutes felt bad in a day. Nah, I don't think I like that ratio too much.
I'm still worried about the prospect of her going to work in a different country, but I'll burn that bridge when I get there.
On a different topic, there's something about these exhausting days at work that make me feel a little bit more triggered than usual. I guess it's to do with the old conditioning such that, after a hard days work I would invariably reward myself with porn. And I haven't really been doing too many highly exhaustive days at work since my sobriety, and so I haven't encountered this conditioning before. Anyway, nothing to worry about, just a little curiosity. I don't find myself wanting to act out, because I know that it hurts me, but I when I am about to collapse from exhaustion, I feel a bit funny in the nether regions, which seems to indicate that the physiological component of the addiction beast expects to be fed. Well, I hope that it's not holding its breath, because it ain't gonna happen! Actually, I do hope that it's holding its breath, so that it would die for good, annoying little sod.
OK, I better head off now and take care of business at home.
See you later, Arctic
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