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Post by suedehead on Apr 26, 2007 14:50:50 GMT -5
Hey Arctic. I empathize with the fatigue trigger after a long a productive day.
IMO: the beauty of goals isn't that we reach them according to our plan. How often does that really happen? It's that we end up accomplishing a lot more than we would have had we not set the ambitious goal in the first place.
Glad to see you're "centered" again. You're a boon to this board.
rbc2
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Post by manic on Apr 26, 2007 15:17:14 GMT -5
Hi Arctic,
Congrats to your wife and good luck for the job interviews. Last year when my wife was looking for a job that brought on quite a lot of stress - and because she's dyslectic I had to help her with her CV and job letters, too. But she's now working for a small architect firm (she's a qualified building engineer) and she managed to secure a permanent contract, which - as you know - is not so easy for me to obtain in academic employment. I see your recovery is still going strong, (yeah starve the beast!) and you're every ounce as vigilant as you were before.
Manic
PS I liked your previous avatar better than these funny spider webs (or whatever they may be).
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Post by arctic on May 2, 2007 12:07:11 GMT -5
Hi everyone,
And thanks for writing in my journal. I really appreciate it! RBC I think that you're right...the main benefit we derive from ambitious goals is that in striving to achieve them we become a better persons, and in the end that's all we're trying to achieve, I think. So as long as my goals are ambitious and realistic, I feel motivated by them and continue to grow as I take baby steps towards them day after day.
And thanks Manic for offering encouragement with regards to my wife's job struggles. She's actually going to a promising interview in New York in about a week. I hope for her sake that she gets the job, although I know that it's going to make my life a lot more challenging. However, I know that she will find it difficult to be happy in the UK on the long run because of how the society here regards foreigners, and that's why I'd rather make my life a little harder for a while, so that me and her could acquire a better life elsewhere in the years to come. Therefore, I would regard New York and a life in two separate countries as a worthy stepping stone. Besides, I'll always have you guys here to moan to if the going gets tough. I've also decided, that if I find my convictions wavering, I will join a live recovery group or see a psychologist, because despite all my stubborness just now towards therapy, I'd rather take part in it than lose my sobriety. First things first.
-------- I haven't been around that much recently, because I've given myself very little time to spend on the board, and rushed home after work instead. It's nice to be able to spend more time with my wife and my friends, but I also kind of feel that I'm drifting too far away from good recovery by not reading and writing enough, and so I've decided to start a diary that I write from home, and then bring to work and transfer it to the board on the following day. That way I should be able to get all the writing I need to do done, because I can write at the end of each day, instead of straight after work. I've copied a couple of day's entries below, and I notice that they are a bit gloomy. But then again, I've allowed myself to feel little gloomy, so I guess gloomy posts is what comes out. Anyway.
------ 30th April 2007
I have decided to start keeping a proper diary. I will write my entries on my laptop at home, because the time I am willing to spend on the board at work is limited and doesn’t really allow me to put down my thoughts the way I’d like to. Besides when I go on the board after five or six o’clock in the evening, I am quite anxious to go home to my wife, which makes the whole board business rather hasty. So, I’m back to writing from home.
I thought I ought to get back to the habit of writing a little bit every day, because I haven’t been feeling very good lately. I haven’t looked at P or MBd for about 110 days now, and I’ve gone through a period when I was full of energy and momentum, but now I have been slipping back to the old depressive grooves. I am still just as committed to sobriety as I was earlier, but the feelings I’m spending a lot of time in just now aren’t anything to write home about. A lot of tightness around the head, heaviness of the eyes, and a feeling of strangulation at the throat is what I feel. The feeling is very much like crying without actually crying. I don’t feel like this all the time, but even some of the time is more than I want in my life.
So I’m keeping this diary to process my thoughts and overcome my negative feelings and reacquire the momentum that I already tasted. I know this to be possible, and I am willing to put in the work to achieve it. I mean I have to do something about it, because I can’t just continue living buffeted this way and that by external influences, with any passing thing able to rob me of my happiness at any time without me having any say in it. I feel like my mood is like the weather: beyond my control. But BECAUSE there are people on this planet who can control their mind to be at peace despite what goes on around them, it is POSSIBLE for me to do the same. I can’t possibly be that different. At this very moment, it seems like a distant possibility that I might one day be capable of such self mastery, but on a rational level I know that I can do it. Therefore, I will do whatever it takes to learn self mastery. If I didn’t think that I can do it, I would not try. But now that I know that I can do, I will persist. I will not expect things to change overnight, because I know that I will have to keep learning and practising, and with such consistency the rewards will eventually follow.
I have also decided to label myself depressive, just like I have labelled myself an addict, because I want it to be a reminded of my deeply ingrained thought patterns, which I tend to access by default. I want this label to propel me to stay on guard and take action against these anti-life thought patterns.
--------- 1st May 2007
Well, here we go again. I actually checked today that I have now been 112 days without the old twin poisons, P and MB. I haven’t been doing ogling either, although occasionally it kind of happens without any prior planning. Today I actually saw my first upskirt since the start of my sobriety, by accident of course, in a café that me and my wife visit regularly. There was this girl sitting in miniskirt in a way such that I thought that she was either completely lost in her own world or an exhibitionist. So I, in a way, saw something weird in the corner of my eye and went “huh, what the?” and there it was. I felt this jolt go through my body and the adrenaline rush, but I looked away in less than half a second and joined the queue to the coffee counter where I no longer had an open view of her. To my pleasant surprise I calmed down pretty quickly and didn’t feel that I was loosing out, even though I had been worried about how I might react in a situation like this should it arise, given my background as a voyeur. In the past, during the bad old acting out days, given a situation like this, I would have started to pretend to browse books nearby whilst all the time stealing furtive glances. But now I just continued along, bought my coffee and went to sit elsewhere, far, far away from this person. I’m not saying that my response was perfect. It was not. The sight lingered in my head, not too intense though, and I was able to drive it out pretty effectively when it pushed through. I also wondered whether she was still sitting the way she had been, and I even looked in her direction from a completely different angle just to see whether she was, and whether I could spot other guys looking at her. I would like to say that I did this purely out of curiosity, but I’m not completely sure that I did. It didn’t feel like acting out either though, so it must have been one of these borderline behaviours, which I would probably do well to avoid in the future. I mean, what if she is still sitting spread eagle, what does it matter? What do I need that knowledge for? I could just focus on the important things in life, like buying my iced coffee, and get on with it. But one thing I can state with certainty, which is that I did not fantasize about this upskirt or feel like I was missing out by not looking. I know I will have to do better in the future though, and I’ll keep working at it. Summer is definitely a much more challenging time than was winter, which is when I sobered up.
It’s just that sometimes it’s a bit tiring to keep up the good work on the streets. You have so many women walking past all the time and you’re committed to just minding your own business and not looking, but at the same time you’d like to feel normal. And being normal should consist of not constantly having to control of where you look. When I started exercising this control at first it was actually pretty easy because I was so proud of being able to do it. But now this novelty has worn off and I am just doing it because I know that it is a necessary part of my sobriety. I just wish that it was a bit more automatic, or that if I see things that I would have regarded as ogle-worthy in the past, that they wouldn’t mean anything to me. And I guess that to some extent this happens. Ah, I don’t know, I guess I will just continue the way I have been, that is, exercising self-control, because it certainly feels much better than not exercising it. I mean what’s the alternative to not checking women out at all? Well, I guess it is checking them out, which is definitely out of bounds to me.
I do wonder though if I could change something to take the temptation to ogle away completely. It sort of helps if I ask myself ‘why do I want to look at her?’ because that makes me aware of what I’m doing. I also something ask myself if I see a woman that is moderately attractive whether I would actually want to leave everything and start from scratch with her, learning all of her bad habits, idiosyncrasies, pet hates, prejudices etc. and this also sometimes helps. I don’t mean that I ever actually considered going with someone else, which I don’t because I love my wife and we doing great, but thinking in terms of having a long term relationship with the potential object of ogling, puts a person into the object and takes the ogling desire away. Some people have suggested praying for the person or sending them well wishes, but these tactics don’t work for me so I have to come up with my own ones. But I have to admit, whilst I’m on the topic of objects and objectification, that sad as it is, it is not instinctive for me to view sexily dressed women and people. I know it is awful to admit this, but I really have to put in some serious thought to get it into my head that they are in fact human beings; so deep is my programming from years of PA. If I talk to such a person, I would of course treat them with respect because I guess when you actually talk to a person you realise that they are human. However, if I see such a person from a distance, my instinctive response is ‘object’, and this is something that I need to continue to work on to change. I guess this way I might even be able to eradicate the whole problem of sometimes having to resist ogling. I don’t know. Maybe.
Anyways, on a different topic, I have still felt pretty lousy today, just like I did yesterday, which is very disappointing after such a long stretch of feeling awesome. But what I take from this is that I felt great at first when I started my sobriety, feeling really proud of what I was doing and relieved that I was no longer in the clutches of the addiction. But now being sober is normal, it’s just the way one is and was always supposed to be and I can’t seem to draw any super duper inspiration out of it. It’s a bit like trying to get excited about being able to breathe. I just do it bonehead, what else did you expect to be doing? Well, I suppose it’s not quite as bad as this, but the point I’m trying to make here is that I am no longer riding on the wave of novelty, and I now have to find out how to run my brain in a way such that I will stay happy and motivated. You see, it doesn’t come naturally to me given my background of depression, like a said in my yesterday’s entry. Therefore, I’m seeing my current struggle with my emotions as a challenge that holds the keys to self mastery. If I win this challenge I will have gained the tools required for happiness, novelty or no novelty. And I think that’s something to strive for. I may feel like sh!t right now, but that doesn’t have to mean that I will always feel like sh!t. There is a good reason why I feel the way that I feel, which I will aim to pinpoint, and I can also give myself reasons to feel happy, which I also aim to do. But I’ll b mulling over these issues later, in the days and months to come. For now it is enough for me just to remind myself that it is possible to find lasting joy and motivation, just like it was possible to stop viewing P for several hours a day, even though I never used to think it would be possible. All I now need is belief. And oh, the depressive label hasn’t really worked yet, but I haven’t really given it much thought either.
Arctic
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Post by manic on May 3, 2007 3:22:31 GMT -5
Hi Arctic,
Yes, I was wondering where you'd been over the last couple of days. Good to see you are still going strong. Don't worry about these gloomy feelings, like you say they'll pass. Mine did.
Ha ha, I understand what you mean, but it's so funny coming from the mouth of a self-confessed atheist. ;D
Take care,
Manic
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Post by arctic on May 3, 2007 11:42:53 GMT -5
Greetings,
Thanks for nipping out of the high energy physics building for a second Manic and dropping by my journal. Can I offer you something? A drink perhaps? How about some cookies? I know it's kind of funny that an atheist like me should wish to strengthen my belief. But it's not quite the same as being a vegetarian and trying to increase your beef consumption,because I recognise the power of the kind of belief accessible to anyone regardless of their theological position. In fact, I think that belief is amazing and if you can make yourself believe something, such as that you're able to stay sober and that sobriety is always the best options, that pretty much becomes reality for you. That's why I will (note, 'I will', not 'I will try') amass a belief such that, I can acquire lasting happiness that is flowing from within, and not predicated on external factors.
Also Manic, thanks for the reassurance regarding the gloomy feelings. I too am a big believer in the 'this too shall pass' hypothesis, and I aim to prove it right yet again.
Ok, the diary entry is to be found below. I am going home now , and probably later on to the bookstore cafe where some people are in the habit of exposing themselves to unsuspecting recovering PAs.
--------------- 2nd May 2007-05-02
Ok, I’m back home at my laptop now and sticking to my commitment to write this journal every evening. You know what, I don’t feel all that great. I came home and I felt pretty OK having done a good days work and taken some proactive steps to prepare in advance for some stuff that I want to get done in the coming couple of weeks. But when I came home I got dragged into this discussion with my wife again how difficult it is for her to find a job and how there is nothing that we can do and all that. I am almost starting to buy into this idea of there being nothing that we can do and that we are completely at the mercy of our circumstances. It is really depressing when you start to think like this, and that’s why I feel pretty lousy just now. The truth is though that there is that interview coming in NY as I’ve just written in yesterday’s entry, and it could work out fine. It’s not optimal to work in separate countries but it’ll be for the best right now. Besides, she might even be able to shake off some of the hatred that she has build up towards the white society if she goes to a place as diverse as NY where not all the top jobs are held by whites, which is pretty much the case in the UK. Sure there are a lot of ethnic entrepreneurs and business men here, but that makes no difference, especially because in science there are only a handful of blacks. But anyway I don’t want to get into that because there is nothing that I can do about it just now. God, this is exactly what the wisdom literature means about it being dangerous to focus on your circle of concern which contains all the stuff that worries you and you’d like to see changed, but that you can do nothing about. Like the weather, or how the society is. Therefore, it is much wiser to focus on your circle of influence which contains all the stuff that can do something about right now, because thereby you can find empowerment and actually start to achieve things that enable you to expand your circle of influence, allowing you to have a say in more and more things, even in the way the society is. Anyway, where was I? I kind of lost my train of though there. Oh yeah, I reckoned that it would be much wiser for her and me to accept that the UK and the academia is what it is, and that there is nothing that we can do to change it. So it would be much better for us to quit our jibbajabba and get on with a plan that will get us somewhere. That’s pretty much what I’ve been trying to do recently, and it has gotten us a little closer to a solution, but just now I feel quite tired. And I also feel like a bloody idiot for trying to tell my wife not to worry because 'it’ll be ok' and that we should just continue to work on solutions. It’s true that we could only benefit from working on solutions 99% of the time, but I feel like a moron for saying it again and again. Perhaps I don’t believe it myself. I don’t know. I don’t feel very constructive just now.
Anyways, today at work went really well and I felt very focussed and progressive. I have also started to employ the method of deep breathing from Bad Boys II in which you say ‘wooossaaa’ every time you feel a little tight around the chest, and believe it or not but I’ve felt much better for doing it. I guess it’s a combination of actually breathing deeply if I’m starting to feel little overwhelmed, which happens quite often because I tend to come up with million and one things that I could do at any one moment, and thinking of Martin Lawrence saying wooossaaa, which makes me giggle and cheers me up.
I’ve also felt a little triggered today, which could be to do with there being so many women walking around in reduced clothing, or the mere fact that I’ve allowed myself to feel so down recently. I tend to believe in the latter interpretation, because I’m sure that if I felt on the top of the world and full of motivation and fire, I wouldn’t have time for things like feeling triggered. I would be focussing on much more important things. Of course, women and their silly clothing or the lack thereof isn’t helping either, but I really should be able to feel normal even in today’s over sexed society. Or should I? Maybe I can never feel normal and will have to be careful of where I look and what I think for the rest of my life. But that’s ok, I can get used to it.
I am also finding a little hard just now to get to the truth within myself, that is to be totally honest here and everywhere. I am not lying as such, but I am not convinced that I am always getting to the core of my issues either. Hmm, that’s definitely something that has to change, because why the hell otherwise I’m even typing these words? I mean I’m already pretty good at using the 10-finger system so I don’t need any more practise in it, and I also know how to write reasonably well, although I guess practise makes perfect. But the main purpose of this diary is honesty. So remember that. Besides, truth is everyone’s ally, whether they like it or not. Actually, now that I’ve written these words, it occurs to me that it is the lack of complete honesty and deep introspection, that probably has made me feel triggered and down. When I started my sobriety I was very introspective and, I believe, honest, even to an extent that I inspired FB to be more honest, which now seems pretty amusing, because I feel so not like that right now. But what has been can be reacquired and perhaps I could make a commitment right now to write something very honest here everyday. Ok, I have now made such a commitment and perhaps I could grow a little bit in the process.
So today I was lying on the sofa with my wife and we were watching this movie that was on called EdTV, which is a pretty old one. There was a scene in which L. Hurley was poised to take her clothes off and since I always used to her big ‘fan’ back in the days, I really wanted to see her do it. And so I didn’t turn my eyes away as I should have but looked straight ahead. I felt my heart beat increase, but then nothing happened and the scene ended. I’m not really sure what to make of this, but it sure isn’t the way I’d like to be. I would prefer to want to turn my eyes away if there is even the slightest possibility of triggering material popping up, but it feels that when I’m feeling down in general I kind of welcome the kicks that might come from triggering scenes. This is not acceptable, and I will now take steps to eliminate this behaviour. I will commit myself to looking away every time I anticipate a trigger. I will not belittle the danger, but will look away pre-emptively. Gosh, perhaps I shouldn’t even be watching movies in the first place. Actually, that was the plan when I first decided to kick TV watching. I had committed myself to reading and growth, but now I’m watching crap like EdTV. Yikes. I must change this. Otherwise I’m hacking away at my personal integrity which is the foundation of my sobriety.
Well, it’s getting late now and I better head to bed after my night time snack. I like to mix quark with pineapple and perhaps eat another piece of fruit before I go to bed. It makes a very simple low fat high protein snack, which is also tasty and easy to make. Highly recommended to those who can tolerate lactose. If you can't however, your partner might have a problem with you making pineapple quark your favourite bed time snack.
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Post by arctic on May 4, 2007 11:28:27 GMT -5
3rd May 2007
Ok, here I am again, the man behind these words…Just like I predicted at the beginning of my earlier post, me and my wife went to the bookstore café where two days ago I was assaulted by a vicious upskirt. God, life can be so tough sometimes.
As you may gather I’m feeling a lot jollier tonight than I have for the past few days. Perhaps I should now take a moment to try and understand why this is the case, and maybe that way I might just learn how run myself optimally in the future, so to speak. Well, saying a lot of woossaaa (spelling?) at work has definitely helped to control the unpleasant physiological responses that I tend to get if I start to feel overwhelmed by the multitude of tasks and possibilities that always seem to be falling on me from this way and that. I guess it’s the deep breathing associated with saying the w-word that is doing the trick, rather than any deeper meaning contained in the word itself. I should also point out that at present, I am still in the closet as far saying woossaaa goes, and frankly, I’m not too sure whether I should even come out at all.
So, I have been able to control my breathing at work all day today, which has allowed me to maintain focus and get the things I wanted to do done, which in itself is deeply satisfying. I also had a very nice chat with one of the younger members of our research group about her phobia of public speaking and interacting with people she doesn’t know that well. I never planned to have this conversation with her, but the topic just sort of cropped up when I jokingly asked her when she would be willing to present in our weekly meeting. She told me that she would try to avoid this at all cost because every time she has to speak in front of others she literally bursts out crying, and has to calm herself down before she can even try to continue with her presentation. She told me that this had happened every single time she’s had to give a presentation, which has bestowed on her a very negative self image and made her generally very shy and unwilling to reach out.
I think that she might have been a little surprised that I didn’t just brush the issue off by saying that it would be ok and she shouldn’t worry about, but instead, I told her that I could really see that this was a terrible problem and that I was sorry that she had it. I then asked a few more questions about her feelings about the issue, and felt very empathetic towards her. I then told her that I too used to have a problem with public speaking because I too have frozen in front of an audience before and that I knew how deeply embarrassing this was. I explained to her that these days I practise my talks extensively, first on my own, and then with a couple of friends, and I also grasp every opportunity to speak in public, so that I can overcome my fear of speaking over and over again, thus making it smaller. But I also acknowledged that her problem was likely to be more physiological than mine was, but that I also though that it could be solved, if one wanted to put in the hard work that is required.
I didn’t come up with any plan of action yet, but I thought out loud in her presence that to get better, she would have to start small, perhaps by talking about something familiar for a few minutes in front of some people she feels very secure with, and take it from there. I said that I’d be happy to talk about this issue a lot more in the future if she wanted, and I’m actually really happy to help her if she so chooses, because I think that this phobia is really holding her back, and I like to see people beat their own demons, just like I’m beating mine.
Anyways, that was just a little nice conversation that kind of turned up unexpectedly, and it made me feel that I can actually have very positive impact on some people’s lives if I just take a moment to listen and to understand. I also had a little meeting with one of the PhD students just to gauze his feelings on the way the whole programme was being run and whether he thought that he was getting the support that he needed. I also asked him whether he thought that there was something that I could be doing differently in order to be a better supervisor. This was something that I had wanted to do for a while, because I figured that it would be nice to let the guys know that I am really committed to doing my best, although I don’t have all that much experience in being a supervisor.
Well, he seemed to think that I was doing fine the way things were, but we nevertheless agreed to have formal meetings every week, although we see each other in the lab all the time, just keep each other in check on the long run. I now have to do the same with the other student, whom I think will require a little bit more support than this first guy, because he is currently full of self doubt which he has carried with him for years.
So by doing these things I have felt pretty good today. I did feel strangely triggered though (and I seem to be using this term a lot these days) and I am not quite sure why this was. It could be a combination of seeing some triggering sights on TV and on the street and not having felt that great in general for a few days now. Perhaps the possibility that I might have to live apart with my wife for while also contributes to this sensation. However, coming to the board really helped me shake of the nasty trigger sensations, and made me feel that I was in the right environment again. Go board!
I have not watched TV today, and this includes EdTV, save for a total of 20 minutes of news. I feel great about this, because in my heart I know that I don’t need to watch movies, and that I am actually better off not watching them.
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Post by iwanttoquit on May 4, 2007 16:07:36 GMT -5
hi Arctic, I've just read some of your journal. I recently had a similar experience to the one you had in the cafe and found it a bit disconcerting (consciously averting looking immediately in front of where I was eating)... then I moved . I've also been distracted by girls flaunting their bodies in the sun like you. Then I heard something on Radio 4 about a certain Middle Eastern country which enforces religious dress. An educated man was quoted as saying something along the lines of "women must not show any part of their body or body shape as we men wouldn't be able to control ourselves and couldn't be held responsible for what we do". Food for thought? I decided that is not the type of person I am and that any woman can wear whatever she pleases around me and it's my responsibility to react sensibly. all the best.. did I read your post correctly that you might be considering leaving uk academia?
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Post by ferdberfil on May 5, 2007 12:15:34 GMT -5
Hey arctic-
Just checking in. Other than my journal I haven't been feeling too verbose around here lately. I like how you mention me in your journal.... yes, you've been an example to me, I admit it! :-)
-FB
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Post by arctic on May 5, 2007 13:06:49 GMT -5
(Note: I didn't have the time and energy to proof read this entry, so apologies for any typos.) I've also been distracted by girls flaunting their bodies in the sun like you. Hey! I don't flaunt my body in the sun! ;D Ok seriously, iwanttoquit, thanks very much for writing here and sharing your experience. It's quite disconcerting to have these triggers thrown at you when you least expect it, expecially if you're a recovering voyer like me. But then again, that's life, and the best defence against all the triggering stuff is to become a master of your reactions, which is something that I have to accept. Otherwise I'd just have to stay at home and never go to any public place, and I don't know if that's a life I want to strive for. However, I'm not saying that not looking at women, especially if there is something immediately appealing to a voyer, is easy, because it's bloody hard. In fact, I've been out there today and I almost looked at an upskirt, but just before I did, I forced myself not to, and felt better afterwards. Still, out of all the porn related things that I've quit, steering clear of street voyerism is definitely the hardest part for me, because it used to give me such kicks, and because I'm constantly exposed to opportunities to engage in it. But a phrase I learned from TimM on this forum has helped me a lot recently, which is "You didn't look and you didn't die." I think it's simple, yet powerful. And often, after I've decided not to look at something potentially appealing, I repeat this phrase to myself and it makes me smile, because it's so true! I don't miss out on anything by not looking. In fact, I gain in personal intergrity. And there's also another interesting thing that I've noticed. When I see women in my peripheral vision, I often imagine them far more attractive than they actually turn out to be if I then accidentally see them right in front of me. My mind kind of conjures up this image of this totally revealingly dressed babe whom I musn't look at any cost and then when I do see them for whatever reason, perhaps in a different part of a supermarket or something, the illusion vanishes in a puff of smoke and I see a rather ordinary person. The same happens with certain newspaper covers which I kind of half see. For example, there was one occasion when I saw a paper lying on our living room table, and I thought that oh my god there's a woman with her legs spread on the cover and I paniced and looked away. Only afterwards I realised that it was in fact a group of men one of whom was supporting their body against the floor with his spread out arms, which on a quick glance looked like legs to me. I guess the mind is so programmed to see certain things that it sees them even when they are not there. To pick on the other point you made iwanttoquit, about some countries severly controlling what women are allowed to wear, I totally agree that it is not the right way to go. Just like you say, I am responsible for behaving responsibly regardless of the stimuli in my environment, although I don't deny the fact that I resent some women for dressing really sexily. I resent them because I am not yet quite far enough in my recovery to feel comfortable around such women, and I don't like to feel uncomfortable. But I still take full responsibility of where my eyes are pointed and what emotions I experience when I'm out there. I have written this elsewhere on this board, but it's probably worth repeating here in this context. My wife comes from a country where men are the kings and they dictate everything. In addition, they are not held reponsible for how they act towards women. If a woman is raped by a man who found her dressing too sexy, then it's the woman's fault and the man gets off the hook. 'She was clearly asking for it' people would say. I think that when we start to think like this we stop being rational beings and reduce ourselves back to being animals unable to control their urges around females. Anyways, feeling pretty okay today. Not perfect, but okay. Went to have a workout this morning, did some house work such as washing the dishes, and I discovered that we have a crockery series named 'arctic'. It was a bit funny to see your username appear from amongst the foam... We also went to our favourite coffee place and I had a chance to read a couple of interesting articles in the latest issue of New Scientist. I've now nipped to the office just for a while because I wanted to write here and to find some reading material. I'm going to set up a reading program for myself so that I can revise a lot of the basic science stuff that I'm otherwise in danger of forgetting as I become more and more specialised. I also want to do a bit of textbook bashing, because I'm feeling very serious about the idea of in the future going to my wife's home country in Africa and working towards building a high quality higher education system. I think this a very worthy and inspiring goal. Imagine that, helping a country to help itself! Much better than throwing in more and more aid and never working at the root causes. It's like installing better and better porn filters on your computer and continuing to do whatever it takes to by-pass them. There's a saying that I read recently:' For every thousand hackings at the leaves of evil, there's but a one strike at the root'., or something along those lines. Finally, I'm not planning to leaving UK academia quite yet. In fact, we're just about to submit a new grant application, which is for three years. Whether we get it or not, is another matter though...But I'm by no means committed to staying in here for too long, because there are many places in the world I havent' seen, and I think that my wife will ultimately find peace only in a country where there are many more successfull blacks than in the UK. For the time being, I'm using my stay in a high profile institution as a spring board for the future. And FB, good to see you around sir! Don't worry about not always finding the time to write here; I also find it difficult t to do all the things that I'd like to do all the time. Besides, you're my pal and I know that you'd be following my progress with or without you constantly dropping in entries. So peace out man! Arctic
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Post by iwanttoquit on May 6, 2007 12:58:57 GMT -5
Hi Arctic, thanks for your response. Working in an African Uni. sounds a very worthwhile thing to do. I imagine that currently a lot of the better students leave their countries for universities in Europe or the US, possibly never to return (much to the detriment of their own countries).
All the best
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Post by arctic on May 8, 2007 13:17:32 GMT -5
Hi,
You're right iwanttoquit. The better students are definitely dissappearing from their home countries, and this also goes for a lot of the professional people. But then again, I'm not blaming, given the circumstances. I still would like to do something bigger in this life and make a difference. I'm just too painfully aware of the fact that all a lot of people are worried about is where the money is going to come from to buy the third television for the house, whilst other people have flies walking in and out their mouths. To make a difference, I could of course toil away at the lab and perhaps discover a new treatment for a disease, but this is very unlikely. However, if I committed myself to building something concrete such as an effectice higher education system, that could have a measurable impact on generations to come. All of this is still a long long way away, but I am setting it as my ultimate objective right now be able to steer in the right direction day in day out.
Anyways, my wife has now travelled to New York for two days and I'm home alone. I've never been home alone since the start of my sobriety, and I have to admit that I feel a little nervous. Why is this? Well, I guess it's caused by the conditioning from my past, because every time my wife would live town back in the days, I would be really looking forward to this, almost unable to start acting out big time. I remember so many times when I've practically raced back home, work, or an adult bookstore, to start acting out as soon as my wife had hopped onto her bus. Geez. I would do this even when we had had some really nice times together before her departure and I was supposedly feeling really close to her again. For example, when she last travelled to her home country in the summer, I felt so committed to loving her that I decided not to view any internet porn during her two weeks of being away. So what did I do instead? As soon as she left, I went and bought four porn dvds because I figured that if I watched them a couple of times a day, I would not even want to use internet porn. It's a kinda funny way of thinking about stuff isn't it? It also reflects on how I used to view porn dvds as a less of a problem than internet porn, because it never had the same hypnotising effect on me and I would usually not spend hours and hours watching dvds.
Well, anyhow, here I am feeling a little weird, having slept really badly last night and utterly tired. But there is one interesting thing I have to report, which is that I really miss my wife already. In the past when I acted out, missing was not something that came easily to me. But now, it's only been half a day, and I'm already longing to see her again. It is great to be able to feel like human being with emotions again. God, if my wife moves to work in New York, I'll really have to grow up to be able to survive.
I came across an intresting concept on the boards today called 'lust hits'. These, some described, are triggers thrown at you from the TV or on the street, which you didn't ask for, but that you could still 'enjoy' if you chose to. The writer said that indulging in such lust hits just because they were there, and you didn't seek them out, is dangerous because it leads onto a slippery slope that may take you back to acting out. I think this analysis makes a lot of sense, and has relevance to my own situation. I'm getting a lot of lust hits from movies and from people on the street, and recently I have been far too lax about them. Also, I'm starting to find watching just about any movie quite triggering these days, because I catch myself wondering whether the actress will be taking any of her clothes off at any point. This kind of thinking feels totally alien to me, and it seems to have some kind of allure to it, which gives the creeps. But I'm not all complacent, and I've started taking steps to prevent entering any slippery slopes. For example, I have now decided to actually turn facing the other way if there are some triggering stuff in the adverts rather than just looking past the TV screen to a wall, thus still allowing myself to see from the corner of my eye. I have also started to remind myself that my recovery is NOT supposed to be easy and that I am to expect having to say NO to my inner addict child frequently, and doing this hurts there and then, but always feels better afterwards. Giving in to even the smallest wishes of the addict child is disempowering, whilst breaking through the psychic pain of saying no to this child, is empowering. I need to keep reminding myself of this simple truth, because it is always easier to do painful things if you know that beyond them lieth higher pleasure.
I'd better go home now and get some rest. Actually there are some things that I still need to do, such as prepare a couple of simple presentations, one for Thursday and another for Friday, which I'll be working on tonight. I will also call my wife and have nice chat. That should be really nice and I really look forward talking to her. I might even write my diary on the lap top if I find the energy.
You know what I really want to do though. I want to regain that same positive energy and enthusiasm that I excuded not so long ago. How did I think then? What did I focus on? What were my beliefs? This reminds me that there is another thing that I've started to do, which to work through a personal mission statement workshop in a book 'First Things First'. It contains questions such as 'what is your biggest strenght?', 'what do you most enjoy doing?' etc. Perhaps I could also have a look at that, and maybe write some of it in my diary. Yeah right, there's only 4 hours before bed time, but it's still better to be fully booked than idle.
See ya, Arctic
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Post by arctic on May 9, 2007 12:13:08 GMT -5
Just a quick one today,
My wife is still in New York, but I have been doing very well indeed. Worked on something very interesting, a talk I'm going to give tomorrow, until midnight last night. Felt very good about having done a good job of it. Today, I boogied to some good music as I was making breakfast, and have had a very productive day at work. Lots of reading and writing. Loving it. Tonight, I'm going to hit the gym with my new training partner, training shoulders and triceps. Quite looking forward to it actually, because the dude trains like a maniac, which suits me just fine. Afterwards, I'll carry on with talk preparations, and will speak with my wife on the phone at some point. She called me yesterday, by the way, and we had a lovely chat. I really hope that they offer her the job today, though...We'll see. Just now I'm pretty exhausted, and must go home to eat lots of good food. The end.
Arctic
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Post by ferdberfil on May 9, 2007 15:15:03 GMT -5
Hey Arctic!
I just joined a gym myself. In addition to my addictive running routine, I'm back to lifting weights. YARG!!!! :-)
-FB
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Post by manic on May 9, 2007 15:53:30 GMT -5
Hey Arctic!
My gym routine is not going so well at the moment, although I still walk from home to work every day (despite the fact that the rain has come back to Scotland after about two weeks of sunny weather).
As I've said before, I'm sure your high spirits will come back. Hey, your journal entry today is already a bit more positive! Have you taken any special precautions to prevent a slip-up now that your wife is away?
Take care,
Manic
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Post by arctic on May 10, 2007 12:13:36 GMT -5
Hey FB, make sure to send us the before and after photos! A tip for getting impressive after photos: apply lots of tanning lotion, stand directly under a light source in a dark room, have a full body wax , and flex your muscles whilst keeping your arms down but away from your torso. ;D Manic, don't worry about the gym routine too much. As long as the you increase your daily physical activity a little bit and try to watch what you eat, you'll be making gradual progress. By the way, are you familiar with the glycemic index? It would be a good idea to try to pick your carbohydrate sources from the low end of the GI continuum if you want to shape up. As to any special precautions I might have taken to avoid a slip whilst my wife is away...well, apart from being in a strait-jacket, nothing much really (That's why I have to keep this message short because I'm typing it with my nose). OK, seriously, I guess I have deliberately not watched any TV at all, including movies, and the news, because I always find that even the most innocous movies have a tendence to stir something nasty within me. I have also kept very very busy, but that's not really a precaution as such, but just the way things panned out, what with me having to give two (different) talks on two consecutive days. (The first one was today by the way, it went really well. I feel really proud of myself. ) I also spend a little more time on the board, just remind myself where I'm coming from, and to get the opportunity to talk with you guys, which always helps. But that's about it. I still have access to the internet at work all day and all night and there are no filters in this university, and no one really seems to monitor what we get up to on the net. Even as I type these words there are no other people in this office. But that doesn't matter. I have committed to sobriety, and by now, it has really sunk in that this really is a better way to live. I'm still being very cautious, mind you, and I was very pleased to read the 'complacency thread' on one of the forums. You see, I felt that I was in danger of getting complacent, and reading the warnings given by other members was very sobering. I have also read the '14 ways to avoid a slip' thread, and I find that it has some really comforting stuff in it. I also like what you FB have said earlier about our brains emitting thoughts like our bodies emit sweat, because then I'm not so distraught if unwanted thoughts pop in my head. It's just the way it is. Things pop up, but I believe it's what we do with those thoughts that separate slippers from recoverers. The 'hello voice' comment you've made elsewhere is also quite powerful a response against any urges that may crop up. What does the addict know anyway? Look at the kind of mess he's gotten you into before! Right, I still have that one talk to finish for tomorrow. It's not very serious though, because it's for a completely non-expert audience, but I'd like to make a good job of it nevertheless. Besides, I tend to get quite nervous at talks if I have to ad-lib it, so I better get some practice. It feels awesome afterwards though, when, despite your reluctance to speak in public, you get up and do it anyway, thus kicking the living crap out of your personal demons. I would also like to report that my shoulders and triceps are getting pretty sore after a hard workout yesterday, in case anyone is interested. I'm planning to hit the gym again on Sunday, that time training the back, but that 's a whole different story... Thanks a lot fellas for dropping by and I speak with you again soon, Arctic
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