Post by arctic on Mar 23, 2007 13:15:28 GMT -5
Two days ago, when I wrote my last journal entry, I did in fact go home and work on my wife's CV for the rest of the evening. She had a terrible headache and couldn't bring herself to make any effort whatsover, but thankfully I was feeling so fired up that I spent about 3 hours correcting and perfecting the CV. When I finally finished I was very pleased with the results and felt absuletly marvelous. A real sense of achievement and having done something good and important. The downside was that afterwards I was still feeling so hyperactive and awake that I did not manage to go to sleep until the small hours. Not surprisingly, then, when I woke up in the morning I was absolutely knackered, but still rather pleased with myself.
The next day, however, really reminded me of how much more difficult sobriety is when you are tired. Eyes keep wondering to women and you really have to snap yourself out of it. Unwanted images and thoughts keep popping up and you have to chase them out again with a broom. I guess it's like doing anything that still requires a good amount of focus and conscious effort; when you're tired and not at the peak of your cognitive performance, you perform poorly. And that's exactly what I find happens with my mind control when I am really tired. I notice the same thing when speaking a foreign language, which when I am fully awake and alert, I can speak fluently. However, when I'm sleepy, I start to make all sorts of mistakes and sound not so fluent anymore. I suppose, with time however, maintaining a completely clean mind all day long will become easier, even when feeling tired, as the recovery progresses and the behaviours associated with it become more deeply imprinted in my psyche (and when the old behaviours fade some more). I remember many members of this board warning about allowing oneself to be too tired, because they have found that it makes one rather vulnarable to slips. So once again, I feel grateful to be part of this board and to have this opportunity to learn from other people's experiences. I did bear those experiences is mind during my day of tiredness and told myself that I would feel a whole lot better after a good night's sleep.
And so I did! The next night I slept about ten hours and today I feel great again. I've been working towards the goals that I set myself. I've sent my wife's CV to my contacts, I've printed out some more job adverts she might find interesting (she is normally a very proactive person and would be doing her job searches herself, but just now she is feeling quite demoralised and I'm trying to cover up the best that I can), and I'm also going to talk her through a number of things that she will find useful to know if she gets internviewed by any of the people I know.
Today, me and my wife also went to a co-operative bank to open a joint savings account into which we will save money towards the deposit and solicitor's costs for the home that we will buy by the end of this year. She was very pleased that I organised for us to go in, because she had been wanting to do this for a long time, but I was always too busy looking at porn, and not giving a sh!t about the future. I know that my wife used to really resent me for that, among many other things. Now she actually tells me that there's a new man in town (the porn-free me) and that she can finally believe that I am not going to hold her back in her efforts to become what she has always wanted to become. That's pretty huge for me to hear, and it makes me feel very proud and to want to be even better. She also says that I am finally the man of the house, whereas in the past, she would always have to play that role.
I also drew a rough outline of what I should be writing about in the review that I promised myself to write and I'll be working more on that on the coming weekend. Also continuing to read the Seven Habits of Highly Effictive People, and the stuff that I'm learning now is making so much sense. Of course I know all those things from before, having read the book and many others like it, a number of times, but now, I am finally grasping the concepts. And there's a world of difference between knowing and grasping something. I'd recommend the book, by the way.
Oh, that reminds me of something. I've still thought about the issue of higher power and whether I think that there is one or not. Well, I certainly don't believe in any sort of god or any cosmic force or higher intelligence or any other type of hip stuff that people like to refer to these days. I simply cannot bring myself to believe in them anymore than I can bring myself to believe in the existence of Stephen King's Dark Tower or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. And that's ok. Then I don't have to believe in anything, and I won't make that anyone else's business than my own. However, one thing that I do find comforting is to think that I could actually for a change try to believe in the power of wisdom that is out there, amassed by generations of people over the years. For example, if I'm reading books like the Seven Habits, I try to think that the things that I read are actually true and valid principles, which could indeed restore sanity in me if I chose to apply them. So, for once, I'm trying to prove these principles right by attempting to live them rather than trying to prove them wrong, which I've done in the past. So, I guess there's some wiff of higher power there, but then again, there's really nothing mystical about the stuff that I do. Just opening myself up for growth. Besides, I can still tell BS from stuff that makes sense, so I don't just adopt any old hogwash. I am becoming aware that I too can apply the wisdom of others in my life. I too am worthy of an excellent and fulfilling life. And that's a pretty darn good realisation to have reached.
Oh, well, better head home again and do fun stuff with my wife. Had a fab conversation with her yesterday after work, in which I reflected my views and experiences of sobriety and what was going on on this board. I also told her about the goals that I set and it was all very exctining. She really is my best friend as well as the object of my romantic love.
The next day, however, really reminded me of how much more difficult sobriety is when you are tired. Eyes keep wondering to women and you really have to snap yourself out of it. Unwanted images and thoughts keep popping up and you have to chase them out again with a broom. I guess it's like doing anything that still requires a good amount of focus and conscious effort; when you're tired and not at the peak of your cognitive performance, you perform poorly. And that's exactly what I find happens with my mind control when I am really tired. I notice the same thing when speaking a foreign language, which when I am fully awake and alert, I can speak fluently. However, when I'm sleepy, I start to make all sorts of mistakes and sound not so fluent anymore. I suppose, with time however, maintaining a completely clean mind all day long will become easier, even when feeling tired, as the recovery progresses and the behaviours associated with it become more deeply imprinted in my psyche (and when the old behaviours fade some more). I remember many members of this board warning about allowing oneself to be too tired, because they have found that it makes one rather vulnarable to slips. So once again, I feel grateful to be part of this board and to have this opportunity to learn from other people's experiences. I did bear those experiences is mind during my day of tiredness and told myself that I would feel a whole lot better after a good night's sleep.
And so I did! The next night I slept about ten hours and today I feel great again. I've been working towards the goals that I set myself. I've sent my wife's CV to my contacts, I've printed out some more job adverts she might find interesting (she is normally a very proactive person and would be doing her job searches herself, but just now she is feeling quite demoralised and I'm trying to cover up the best that I can), and I'm also going to talk her through a number of things that she will find useful to know if she gets internviewed by any of the people I know.
Today, me and my wife also went to a co-operative bank to open a joint savings account into which we will save money towards the deposit and solicitor's costs for the home that we will buy by the end of this year. She was very pleased that I organised for us to go in, because she had been wanting to do this for a long time, but I was always too busy looking at porn, and not giving a sh!t about the future. I know that my wife used to really resent me for that, among many other things. Now she actually tells me that there's a new man in town (the porn-free me) and that she can finally believe that I am not going to hold her back in her efforts to become what she has always wanted to become. That's pretty huge for me to hear, and it makes me feel very proud and to want to be even better. She also says that I am finally the man of the house, whereas in the past, she would always have to play that role.
I also drew a rough outline of what I should be writing about in the review that I promised myself to write and I'll be working more on that on the coming weekend. Also continuing to read the Seven Habits of Highly Effictive People, and the stuff that I'm learning now is making so much sense. Of course I know all those things from before, having read the book and many others like it, a number of times, but now, I am finally grasping the concepts. And there's a world of difference between knowing and grasping something. I'd recommend the book, by the way.
Oh, that reminds me of something. I've still thought about the issue of higher power and whether I think that there is one or not. Well, I certainly don't believe in any sort of god or any cosmic force or higher intelligence or any other type of hip stuff that people like to refer to these days. I simply cannot bring myself to believe in them anymore than I can bring myself to believe in the existence of Stephen King's Dark Tower or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. And that's ok. Then I don't have to believe in anything, and I won't make that anyone else's business than my own. However, one thing that I do find comforting is to think that I could actually for a change try to believe in the power of wisdom that is out there, amassed by generations of people over the years. For example, if I'm reading books like the Seven Habits, I try to think that the things that I read are actually true and valid principles, which could indeed restore sanity in me if I chose to apply them. So, for once, I'm trying to prove these principles right by attempting to live them rather than trying to prove them wrong, which I've done in the past. So, I guess there's some wiff of higher power there, but then again, there's really nothing mystical about the stuff that I do. Just opening myself up for growth. Besides, I can still tell BS from stuff that makes sense, so I don't just adopt any old hogwash. I am becoming aware that I too can apply the wisdom of others in my life. I too am worthy of an excellent and fulfilling life. And that's a pretty darn good realisation to have reached.
Oh, well, better head home again and do fun stuff with my wife. Had a fab conversation with her yesterday after work, in which I reflected my views and experiences of sobriety and what was going on on this board. I also told her about the goals that I set and it was all very exctining. She really is my best friend as well as the object of my romantic love.