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Post by arctic on Mar 4, 2007 8:44:04 GMT -5
I guess the next thing to determine is where the line between a porn addict and a procrastinator goes. Or whether there is a line in a first place. These things are clearly very closely interlinked in my case. There is an addiction shaped hole in my brain and anything that gets in could fill it, as long as it is not in direct opposition to my values, such as drugs, alcohol, and now, porn. However, the to beat the addictive tendency and change my life for better, the shape of the hole must be altered, or better yet, the hole filled entirely. I wish facing life and it's challenges were not so hard. Growth hurts. I am grateful for these thoughts. They provide me with a way forward.
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Post by ferdberfil on Mar 4, 2007 11:42:06 GMT -5
Hi arctic-
Posting and reading here is a much better addiction than pornography, IMHO. Besides, as you may know, the word "addiction" originally meant "devotion." What a nice thing to be devoted to as opposed to porn.
I'm taking steps myself to find other ways of nurturing my porn-free self that aren't related to these boards, although I still come here habitually when I sit down at my computer, and that's OK. I've already learned a lot about myself since I started coming here.
-FB
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Post by arctic on Mar 5, 2007 16:10:32 GMT -5
Thanks FB, I guess you are right. This board is a good place, and I suppose it is only natural that I should spend quite a lot about my recovery at this stage of my life, which includes thinking about this board. I also often think about going to the gym, which I like to do, or if I ever take up a new hobby, it's constantly in my mind. It's just that my wife was a little concerned about me coming to this board because she feared that I might become addicted to it. But I suppose that calling what I am doing here is an addiction would be going a bit too far. It's just so easy to draw parallels with situations if you really want to, and make them fit into the model of addiction. Or maybe it is an addiction, but a good one. Isn't that what the writer of Addiction of the Choice said, that the key is to choose your addictions carefully. And yes, I remember reading about the original meaning of the word...I suppose, my real problem is procrastination and that's why I get very frustrated and angry with myself if instead of doing work I, for example, come to this board. I could just as easily pop into the canteen to get a Coke and spend my time there if I didn't have this board to come to. At least here I can learn something that I can use in my recovery. My previous post I wrote because I suddenly got frightened that I had become this addiction magnet to which all free-floating addictions would come flying, clinging to my brain like a blood-thirsty leech. Still, I suppose I could do with learning to exercise moderation in all things. What is it that I've actually changed about myself during my sobriety? I read this thread today about the true meaning of white knuckling and was reminded of the concept of a dry drunk, which I do not want to become, and it made me think what have I actually achieved during these 52 days of sobriety. I'm also always ranting and raving to others about introspection and how you should change your thinking to recover, but do I actually have a clue what I'm talking about? Let's see what comes under which category... White knuckling:Not staring at girls. Definitely. Most of the times I reallly want to look, but I won't. Sometimes I catch myself starting to look, but then I quickly turn my head away. This is a fight that it is particularly hard for me, because looking used to be such a big part of my acting out, and there's just no way of escaping seeing girls everywhere. I'm not quite sure how to move 'not staring at girls' to the true recovery section, but I'd wager that with time the habit of ogling will lessen. It already has, mind you, but it's the pull is still very much present. Thinking about how women might feel if I stare at them, or that I would hate it if other men stared at my wife, give me motivation to refrain from staring but they don't take the pull away. However, all said and done, I feel very good about myself for being able to control my staring habit, and I would also say that my interactions with women have become much more meaningfull and pleasant. So that's a good thing. In addition, I feel a sense of triumph when a group of girls jogs past in their tight pants, just like yesterday, I don't simply don't look at them. Then how do I know that their pants were tight? Oh come on, give me a break! There's quite a lot I can take in in a fraction of a second during an accidental glance. Looking away if there are sexually stimulating, and I mean even the softest possible stuff, on TV or in magazines. Most of the time I turn my head away though or stare into the ceiling. If however, the sexual nature of the images is overt, such as scene that takes place in a strip club, I walk out of the room or change the channel. Magazines lying on the table that have pictures of women on their cover, and these belong to my wife, I tend to turn over, so that I don't see these pictures every time I walk past. I'm pretty happy with the way I'm doing, but there is no denying that I sometimes would really like to look at some scenes on TV. For example, the other day we watched You, Me and Dupree, and there was this one scene in which the lead actress is in her undies and I felt like I was run over by a train. I quickly had to stare into the ceiling until the scene finished. I couldn't just leave the room, because that would be saying to my wife, that honey, I just wanted to ogle at that woman but didn't permit myself to. To be frank, I am not sure whether it is the images that I find difficult to deal with and whether I would really want to see those women with little clothes on, or whether it is the fear that I might get triggered by such imagery that makes me panic and gets me all confused. Hence, the sensation of being hit by a train. Being honest with my wife. Sometimes this comes under white knuckling. I really would want to minimise how I feel, but I often force myself to be honest, and frankly, it feels much better afterwards. Maybe honesty and openness just takes getting used to before it starts to come naturally. It's definitely a positive feedback loop though! Being honest with myself. I really don't like doing this at all! I'm trying hard though, and that's why I'm writing these words. Not white knuckling Looking at porn on the internet. This is surprisingly easy for me right now. I spend a lot of time in the office when no one else is around and there is a lockable door I could close anytime I wanted. But for some reason, I don't want to look at porn. That's probably because I have such intense feelings of pain associated with surfing for porn, that I simply don't crave for it. I do feel little strange a lot of the times, almost like there is some kind of weird energy stirring inside of me, simmering in the pit of my stomach, but I feel no temptations to start porning. In fact this sometime this frightens me, because I have an incredible capacity to shut out emotions, and I think that perhaps I ought to try to work out what exactly is going on, that is keeping on the path right now. Just writing these words frightens me and makes me feel emotional. But these are emotional times, and I only live once, so let's get it sorted out. At the same time, it is not wise to go flirting with disaster, because I might just be very good at making important decisions if I reach my pain-threshold. I think I had. Oh, and my wife has told me that she would absolutely leave me if I go back to porning, I just don't want that to happen. Not masturbating. I don't have to fight a desire to masturbate, but quite often, there is sexual tension in my body. However, the sex with my wife has improved so much after I stopped masturbating that I have no problems continuing along the same lines. For the first time in donkey's years I am starting to believe that sex is something that men can actually enjoy. Before, I always saw it as a kind of duty. You just did your job and made sure that your partner seemed satisfied. Then you could allow yourself a week of P and MB before it was time to go to work again. I can't believe I used to feel like that! Anyways, I just wanted to write a quick post but it yet again appears to have expanded. At least I'm not wasting any ink, if that's any consolation. Am I feeling good? Not really. Quite nervous about stuff at work, because just now I feel that I'm not performing to capacity and that I would have to work harder to work people's respects. At home, things are ok, certainly much better than ever, but my wife's reading Out of the Shadows has caused some problems. She now finds it hard to be turned on by me because she keeps wondering what exactly I would get up whilst on the net and she tells me that she keeps getting these terrible flashes of me being involved in something awful. I try to tell her that I wasn't really all that bad, but I guess it takes a bit more than just a few words to change the situation. Perhaps if I give it some time, things will heal. It's really silly, but I often feel annoyed at Carnes for having written all the scary stuff in his book, but then I realise that it is me who should have been a bit more careful about recommending that my wife reads the book, knowing how she feels and thinks. OK, better go now and buy some groceries. We have absolutely nothing to eat at home.
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Post by arctic on Mar 5, 2007 16:34:44 GMT -5
I still haven't gone shopping because my wife is still working on her stuff in the office next door. Just a reminder for myself to spend more time reading the journal section rather than hanging out on the other boards. It's amazing that there are so many people here whom I haven't even seen befoe on the general and the addicts boards, and they seem to have so much more to say. Important stuff too. Must gather courage to drop one of the fellers a line some time. Some of these more serious posters appear a bit intimidating sometimes, though, and I feel like I should come up with something really profound just be able to introduce myself. Ach well, I suppose I must give it a try though. I've also noticed that a lot of people have many replies in their journals whereas others have very little. From now on I will force myself to focus on honesty and cut all the BS and ego tripping. What the hell are those good for anyway? What do I want to achieve? Christ, it's getting really late, nearly 10 pm, and we still have to go and buy food.? I want to go home and watch UFC 68, which I recorded yesterday. Besides I feel tired as hell, because I am not getting enough sleep these days because of being a little bit stressed about work. What's taking her so long?
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Post by arctic on Mar 6, 2007 13:53:42 GMT -5
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that today is day 53 of my sobriety. It's good to realise that I'm finally starting to loose count!
Today was a great day at work. I had been very worried about a few people trying to trample on me and undermine my authority, but today we had a very good meeting with the professor present, and I was able to assert myself very effectively. I'm actually very proud of myself, because I had spend about three hours straight in the morning preparing for the meeting, writing page after page of arguments to push my point of view. And it worked! This is huge for my confidence, especially because I had felt so nervous about the meeting. I think that I have earned my respect this time and I feel inner pride for having done so. Geez, I could really get hooked to this stuff! Note to self: Get hooked on being effective and assertive.
And oh yes. Another important point to make: I have now encountered some pretty stressfull situations during my sobriety, and feel that I've been tested, and that I've passed the first test. My sobriety will stand in the face of adversity. I did feel like escaping for sure, but having made porn a non-option, I had to find something else to do, or simply to cope with whatever was in front of me. Well done me. Thank you, you're too kind.
Today I've noticed something that I've been wondering about a while. Why is it that the tension in my body, which in the past would have lead to P and MB, only comes at certain times, whilst at other times I feel perfectly normal. I think it stems from physiological programming and having learned to associate two situations with each other. Like conditioning. For example, today I felt really triumphant and happy after my successfull meeting, which is the first time I've felt this good after I started my sobriety. Normally, after the initial exitement would fade, I would reward myself with P and MB, which probably explains why today I felt that my neural pathways were expecting something to happen. At first I felt very light and happy, but an hour or so after the meeting was over, I started to feel very tense, with weird sensations dancing all over my lower abdomen and the trousery vicinity. I find this very interesting, because it seemed totally obvious that the system was expecting to be rewarded by a P and MB session. But ha! I had no intention of doing anything stupid. The system can want whatever it chooses, but I'm the one in charge here! I'm close to starting to believe in the separation of the mind and the body, which is very unlike me, to think like this, that is.
So lessons learned from today:
Be assertive, you'll probably get what you want.
Don't be fooled by conditioning. It's all about neural super highways, which will wither if left unused. The book Mind Sculpture by Ian Robertson makes this point nicely.
I am an important and a worthwhile person. I am making a difference by bringing important input to our research group and I am helping two PhD students with their projects.
Now I really have to go and buy some groceries, because yesterday we worked so late that we simply had to go home and sleep, thus skipping the whole shopping trip. I will also watch UFC 68. I was also supposed to go the gym and train my legs, but how the hell am I going to fit it in? Not by sitting in here typing this message anyway.
See ya.
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Post by arctic on Mar 7, 2007 14:05:43 GMT -5
I did manage to watch Ultimate Fighting Championships 68 yesterday, just like I intended. It was awesome! As an ex-martial arts practicioner I can really appreciate a good combat when I see one. In particular I was inspired to see Randy Coutoure, who is now 43 years old, return to the octagon and beat the reigning heavy weight champion Tim Silvia. I was practically cheering along as Randy was kicking Silvia's butt, as he is a old favourite of mine and such a nice guy too. If he can return to fighting and win at 43, long after many thought he had or should have retired, I think that I can live without porn and MB. I think I can live without wanting either of them and become a happy and a fullfilled person. Why shouldn't I be able to? Exactly.
Beliefs make reality. Believe that you can and you can. Believe that you will fail and you will. I never used to get this, but I believe that I finally do. Therefore, I do.
Important point to realise:
I haven't always been a porn addict. I started viewing porn when I was a teenager, but when I started dating girls at the age of 17, I lost interest in porn and MB. In fact, I would detest not having a girl friend because I always thought that sex was more fun. Was I a sex addict then? No. I was one of those guys who could only make love, instead of just fcuk, therefore, I had to be in love with the girl for things to work out in bed. Hence, I was not a sex addict.
I became a porn addict in the university. I also lost all personal friends when I entered university and became an isolated and a sad individual, who only lived to study. I felt depressed all the time and I though I would never feel happy again. Ever. I drank way too much coffee and took ephedrine to stay awake and read and read and read. I was judgemental about everything and everyone and I thought that I was, or had to be more intelligent than everyone else. I thought I knew everything.
Soon I started buying porn mags on regular basis, because I realised that wanking to porn was a nice way of taking a break from the constant studying. At first I could have the same porn mag for several weeks and that seemed to suffice. I would perhaps beat my meat to it once a day. If even that. Then the frequency of buying porn mags got higher and I would buy a new one at least once a week. Soon I had a big pile of them in my room, and the more I had, I guess the more I wanted. I started to recognise certain actresses I had seen before.
Then high speed internet became available and I immediately started to search for porn, and spent a few hours a week doing so. However, after I discovered thumbnail preview sites, it was downhill all the way. I finally became a fully-fledged porn addict. I had discovered the perfect method of escaping my joyless life. Gosh, I really hated my life back then. It sucked.
I saw in porn a way to escape pain, started indulging in it on a regular basis, became addicted, didn't know how to stop, and continued with it until I came to this board after having reached my pain-threshold.
I had reached a pain-threshold before, mind you, but on all those occasions, my life situation and outlook on life were such that I was in constant pain and in the shadow of depression. Therefore, going back to porn was an easy thing to do. Also, my wife was not my wife back then and I thought I was not going to go anywhere in life, so what the hell was the point in trying anyway.
Now however things are different. I have a different outlook on life. I can, perhaps for the first time in my life, laugh at myself. I can handle critisism without it shattering my ego. I feel humble and willing to learn from others. I believe that I can be a good person and that I can be just like everyone else. I believe that people find me genuinely interesting. I have good friends. I believe that I can be a good husband and in the future, a father. Why should I go back to porn now that with the help of this board I have broken the spell? I shouldn't. I don't want to. I am not going to. I want to be free. I shall be free.
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Post by arctic on Mar 12, 2007 14:02:24 GMT -5
60 days without P and MB today, and probably just as long without ogling women too. Not too bad for a guy who 2 months ago had completely given up hope and had settled for a life as a porn addict. It's incredible how your life can feel like such a drag for years, and then one day, boom, you make a decision to change it for good. I am absolutely elated that I chanced upon this board and plucked up the courage to send the first post. I really didn't want to send it you know, or I was about to tell myself that I would send it tomorrow, but somehow I managed to type in a few paragraphs and hit the send button. I remember feeling very happy and emotional afterwards and I was wondering whether anyone would bother to reply. The next morning I rushed to check the board again, and three replies. I was ecstatic. Someone had taken the trouble to write to me. To me, of all the people! MJ, Black Spiral, Padraig, and later on, Jinxed, were there to welcome me to this amazing journey during which I've already changed more than ever I thought possible. I still carry some of the advice from Black Spiral with me today to guide me in my actions.
After starting my journey I am:
1) Closer to my wife than I have ever been. We talk and we laugh and I actually get turned on by her again, hope of which I had already abandoned. I was convinced that she simply was not very sexy, not realising that the fault lay within me.
2) Free of guilt, anxiety and fear. I used to feel guilty every time I went home after work, because I would always conclude my days with an hour or two of porn. It was so embarrasing and frightening to enter the house after returning from such a session, since I would never know if my wife suspected anything. I tried to figure it out by examining her face, and even the slightest hint of displeasement would turn my stomach into a knot, because I thought that she had seen right through me into my pitch black soul. Did I feel guilty? I would like to say yes, but I think that I was more afraid than I was guilt-ridden. I was afraid of getting caught. Hence, if my wife did something that suggested that she didn't suspect me of having viewed porn after all, I would feel an immense sense of relief and spend the rest of the evening in high spirits. So I didn't feel guilty, just afraid. The only time I would actually feel guilty was when I stopped and thought about my actions for a few minutes. My wife is at home waiting for me, she has cooked my favourite dish for me, she has put flowers in her hair to look pretty for me, but I choose sit in my fcuking office surfing porn, and let her wait.
I now walk home every day with my head high and with a clear conscience. There is nothing quite like it really.
I should add here, that during my active addiction I felt so ashamed and afraid (and sometimes guilty) all the time, that if anything bad happened, even if it was not my fault in any way whatsoever, I would still feel that I was responsible for it. Now I can view events much more objectively and recognise my own involvement in their causation or the lack thereof. This is a huge improvement that has come with my sobriety.
3) Finally able to focus on my job. Gone are the days when I would spend countless hours surfing porn at work or thinking about surfing porn. Now I can actually plan my days in advance and carry out the plan that I made. Before, I could plan my days ok, but I didn't really believe in my ability to follow through. How could I? I needed to surf porn. It was almost like a job to me.
4) View women as fellow human beings instead of objects. Quitting porn and ogling has improved my interactions with women, and I feel that I am actually a pretty respectable gentleman. Before, even saying something like this would have induced incontrollable laughter in me.
So overall, things are going well. Sure there are bad days as well as good ones, but on the whole, I feel that I am making a lot of progress. Thanks to everyone who posts on this board. Even if I don't acknowledge good ideas most of the time, I do read them and take them on board.
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Post by manic on Mar 14, 2007 7:39:54 GMT -5
Hi arctic,
I see you haven't had many replies in your journal lately. Just wanted to say congratulations on your 60 days! (61 by now).
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Post by arctic on Mar 14, 2007 8:46:09 GMT -5
Hi Manic and thanks for stopping by. To bump into a Glaswegian in here, what a pleasant surprise! I live in England now but I spent some time in Scotland in the past.
I haven't seen you around before Manic. How are you? You could also pop in an introductory post on some of the forums if you like.
Yes, I haven't had many replies lately...thanks for posting yours though, I really appreciate it!
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Post by ferdberfil on Mar 14, 2007 11:07:41 GMT -5
Hi Arctic-
Just wanted to let you know I'm around as well. Been reading your posts and you sound very well.
BTW, I lost my copy of "Addiction is a Choice." I have a confession to make.... I only got halfway through my copy. Do you have yours? Did you finish it? If so, I have a proposition to make.... I have a great book I could give you, I've mentioned it here before: "Recovery Without Treatment." Neat book, along similar lines as the Schaler book. Think about it.
-FB
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Post by manic on Mar 14, 2007 11:41:44 GMT -5
Hi Manic and thanks for stopping by. To bump into a Glaswegian in here, what a pleasant surprise! I live in England now but I spent some time in Scotland in the past. I'm not actually from Glasgow: I'm Dutch, to be precise. I've lived in Glasgow since mid-Sep 2002. I haven't seen you around before Manic. How are you? You could also pop in an introductory post on some of the forums if you like. That's because I'm new to the board and have done some reading, but not that much posting (yet). I may start my own journal and tell you all about myself in there. I liked how you used your first posts to give us some background, and I may do something similar. I'm 10 days clean now and I really want to quit this p*** nonsense. Take care!
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Post by arctic on Mar 14, 2007 12:54:57 GMT -5
FB, thanks for dropping by! I know that you've been around like you indicated in your journal, and frankly, I've kinda enjoyed hanging out at your place for a change. It's so much tidier! ;D Manic, glad to see you too! So you are from the Netherlands...Not the most likely place to grow up porn-free I could imagine, but then again, the internet is everywhere these days. I haven't been to Netherlands yet, but a friend of mine lives in the Hague, and I'm planning to visit at some point. I'll be sure to visit you too in your journal if and when you decide to start one. It's a great idea to get your own rubbish out in the open at the start of your sobriety, because sharing is the antithesis of addiction, whilst secrecy breeds it. And I'm sorry about the weather in Scotland...I really am. ;D And yes...I'm doing well, I suppose. I have started to limit the amount of time spent digging in the past, going through all the crap that I've done. Instead I am focussing on living in the moment, trying to grasp the meaning of the saying: Life is not a rehearsal. I think that I'm finally starting to get this and the results have been the following. i) Less time spent at work, more time spent with my wife and friends, ii) Doing more things that I enjoy doing, instead of those that I feel obliged to do, iii) Reaching out to people in order to help and make new friends, iv) Kicking the ego out of the window, for noticing its being a ball and a chain. Like Weird Al Yankovic said: Dare to be stupid! I still doubt myself sometimes, but such moments don't usually last very long. Occasionally I think that perhaps the people on this board can see something that I cannot see, such that I have committed the Smith-Mendelson fallacy, which invariably leads to a relapse in the next 54 days, but then I usually just wave it off as being a silly thought, which it of course is. I still get pretty strong conditioned physiological responses in situations that in the past would have been followed by me looking at porn. For example, if I feel lonely or stressed out, I get a strange feeling or a tingle in the unmentionables, like the dude downstairs is calling me to shake hands with him. However, I can feel this sensation only from the neck down, that is, it doesn't induce a pink fog in my brain, and therefore I have no problems resisting any temptations. In fact, it is incorrect to call the above a temptation or an urge, because it is just a learned physiological stress response, which I can now easily recognise for what it is. I am also glad to say that things are starting go much better with my wife now i.e. she is not so put off by the mental images provoked by the book Out of the Shadows. I talked to her about how I felt with having powerful sexual tension in my body in response to not having had sex for a while, and she was quite moved by my honesty. I actually didn't want to say anything to her, since I thought that she might feel pushed to do something she didn't want to do, but I figured that it would be better at least to talk than for me to suffer in silence. I'm glad we did. I have now been wondering whether it is actually a good idea for a guy to refrain from all kinds of sexual release. I can see it being very useful at the beginning of the recovery process as it may allow the breaking of the porning pattern, but how sustainable is it. People also say that masturbation will lead back to porn...I just wonder does it have to? I am not contemplating returning to masturbation, in fact I'm glad I've stopped, but complete abstinence from sexual release is a concept that intrigues me. Ogling at women...Refraining from this is becoming easier by the day. Bouncing the eyes is becoming a habit. Quite often I even bounce my whole head, which may look a bit strange to passers-by, but what the heck, it works for me so I'll do it goddammit. Sometimes I still feel the pull to look, but it's lessening, thank goodness. And FB, you'll be relieved to know that I still haven't walked into a lamp post or fallen down a manhole. Anyways, thanks for reading. See ya, and all the best.
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Post by arctic on Mar 20, 2007 13:10:27 GMT -5
Gosh, I really had to dig this journal out...It had fallen so far down the list since I haven't been here for a few days. Just keeping busy at work and at home, and I kinda liked hanging out the discussion boards for a change, reading the advice and peoples experiences, and watching the battles unravel. I think that some of the PAs writing on the general board must be positively suicidal to write the stuff that they do. Maybe that's good though. If they are being perfectly honest about how the think about things, expose their thoughts to the public, get kicked in the nuts, and change their thinking in response to this, now that would be good.
Well what is it now, about ten weeks since I started my sobriety? Must be. I have started to feel that I've probably beating this thing by now, but this is where having read this board becomes handy because such thoughts immediately ring alarm bells with me. I should not fool myself into thinking that I've beaten anything, but remain vigilant instead. Sure I've changed a lot and my life has improved so much that I wouldn't want to go back to my old behaviour, but I guess I'm always in danger of falling, so I have to watch out. I bet if I hadn't been around this board and read the warnings by other members I might by now be lowering my guard and be kicked in the face. Perhaps. I don't know. Remaining attentive nevertheless.
I'm not in a particularly great mood for writing right now, and I'd really like to go home to my wife right now. I worry about her just now since she is having difficulty finding a job despite her qualifications, which as non-white is making her feel that she's being discriminated against. Statistically, this is likely to be the case, but I guess you never know in this highly competitive world whether it is discrimination or just a supply demand mismatch. I'm taking steps to help her out though by using my contacts to get her into interviews, and this makes me feel a bit better just now. I don't even know if these contacts are going to be that great when push comes to shove, but it's worth a try anyways.
Started reading Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I've read it a few times before, but somehow I think that this might be the first time in my life when I will actually be able to take in the message and apply the wisdom in my own life.
See ya.
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Post by ferdberfil on Mar 21, 2007 10:53:35 GMT -5
Hi arctic-
I know what you mean about starting to feel normal again, starting to feel like you've "beaten" things. My last slip was a few days after the date in your sig line (Jan 15th for me), and I'm starting to feel like I'm really seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
ON THE OTHER HAND, that's when things get dangerous for me. Borrowing from the 12 steps (I do that a lot), this addiction is indeed "cunning, baffling, powerful" in the sense that my urges can come out of the blue, after months of sobriety, almost like a trance comes over me. That's what happened to me on the 15th, and thank goodness I had the presence of mind to snap out of it before I actually looked at any actual porn at that time.
Keep posting, good sir. I feel we are kindred spirits here. I'm also impressed by your TV abstinence, you've one-upped me there!!!
-FB
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Post by arctic on Mar 21, 2007 12:36:53 GMT -5
Good to see you FB, and I'm glad to hear that first ever business trip was a success. I guess there is now beating good preparation, and you sir, were armed to the teeth! I applaude you! And don't worry about the ogling too much...I suppose you didn't expect it to happen, since it has not been such a problem for you recently. Hence, you were utterly prepared to battle tempations to view P, which was a success, but had no guard whatsoever to protect you from ogling, and consequently you found your gaze in places where it shouldn't have been. So my analysis is that you were simply caught off-guard. Now me on the other hand, I am so painfully aware of my habit to ogle that I am constantly taking measures to stamp it out. And I'm not going to reiterate them here, since you've probably read them countless times by now. I would like to add however that what started as white-knuckling has now transformed into a much easier thing to do, a lot like a habit, really. In addition, I've started to feel this sense of triumph and achievement every time I don't look at an attractive woman, because I feel that I'm being true to my marriage and also respectful towards all the women out there. To be perfectly honest, as a mental trick I also imagine that some of the more provocatively dressed women actually want me to look, and I'm depriving them of that, which makes me think 'ha haa, didn't look, now did I, you sucker!' I know that's quite silly really, but it works for me. Anyways, all of these things combined sets up a positive feedback mechanism, which makes it a bit easier to not ogle, since there's a reward if you don't do it, you see. It does take time for this to develop though.
Anyways, I decided to set some goals for myself yesterday, because I feel that having something great to strive for would give even more energy to stay sober and to build my life to a level where I want to be. The goals are, in a random order:
1) Publish two first author papers by the end of this year.
2) Own a 2 bedroom home by the end of this year, in one of the two of my favourite areas of the city.
3) Ensure that my wife is in a good job by the end of April.
4) Ensure that the two PhD students whom I immediately supervise publish one first author paper this year.
5) Write a 50-100 page review of my subject area by the end of May.
6) Give my full attention to whatever I do, or whomever I speak with until the end of June, and if doing this proves fun, until the end of the year.
I can already feel that the goals are working for me, since having quit porn and MB, I feel that I can take myself seriously again. Back in the days I used to set goals without believing that I could achieve them. I can feel that those days are over now, and thank universe for that.
Better go home now and help my wife with her CV and cover letter.
See ya fellas!
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