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Post by somedude on Feb 7, 2007 11:57:30 GMT -5
Day 57.
So I'm over in JohnG's journal posting what I planned to be a supportive little diddy, when I posted my way to discovering a source of guilt that I never faced before.
Back in my late college days I dated a wonderful woman who I was convinced would be my wife. I loved her as completely as anyone could love another. She was perfect for me and I for her. Anyway, she had this past history of cut and run break-ups, but we were different - so I told myself.
So, she dumped me like she dumped others before me and probably others after me. I was crushed. She gave no reason, and I found none. Well, I found one I couldn't face. Sometimes, in the back of my mind, I would wonder if she found my porn and that's why she left. I pushed that thought away. If I thought about that, I would also think about being having porn when I had everything I needed already. I pushed that thought out because I could not face the guilt/shame. Well, I have to face it. And face it I will, not quite yet, I am at work, and I think this will be a biggy.
Reality tells me that she ran from our relationship for the same reason she ran from all the others. That when she said it was not me, it was her, she was telling me the truth. I doubt that my feeling that her explanation was inadequate is why I still hang on to the pain. I bet its because there is guilt/shame to be dealt with.
My guess is that she never knew of my porn habit. But I did. Yeah, there's guilt/shame.
I have to work now. But I will deal with this today!
Tim
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Post by somedude on Feb 7, 2007 16:50:29 GMT -5
Wow, there is a lot of guilt around this ex-gf.
- I feel guilt for using porn when I had her. Not just for sex either, I had her for everything - she completed me. What hole did I still need to fill?
- I feel guilt for still loving her.
- I feel guilty that my wife is my second choice, and that I do not love my wife as much as I loved this ex-gf.
- I feel alone in this. I feel alone with the pain of all of it. I feel like the other people I know are with their "the one", and that my "one" is not my wife. I have no idea where to turn to figure this out.
This seems so trivial. Let it go, Tim. Everyone has an ex or two. Why torture yourself with it?
The truth is, after she left I reacted by going on a womanizing binge. I transfered my porn addiction into action and hit the parties with a search and conquer mentality I never had before. I am ashamed of that too.
One of them fell in love with me and I tossed her aside. Not that I feel like I should have stayed with her - we were not right for each other. I hurt her by being an ass.
One of those little romps led to an abortion. An abortion.
The abortion was common knowledge with my people and the surrounding groups. I was a well known and respected young man. Tops in my cirlcles of friends. A leader. A protector of women. It killed my reputation as a great guy. It killed me inside too.
I took that job in a far away city to run from the guilt of the abortion and the shame of the publicity. There I sank into a deep porn hole.
I never really came out of it until I got caught by my wife years later. Then I sank back in, climbing out for a stint or two here before now. (expletive) I am sick of it.
That one event, her dumping me has had enough affect on my life. I need to be free of all of the negative feelings.
What do I do to start?
Tim
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Post by somedude on Feb 8, 2007 12:33:44 GMT -5
Day 58.
Well, I'm still working on the guilt issues uncovered yesterday. I guess its been with me so long that ongoing thought is going to be required.
Anyway, I also need to work on something else. When I get too much stimulation - ie. too many people ask me to do things all at once; or the boy is talking, and my wife is talking, and we're all trying to get him started on his homework and but no one is actually succeeding at getting him started, and the TV is on and it all gets to overwhelm me; or I'm trying to concentrate on actually fixing a problem but people keep interrupting me - I don't react well. I get real short with people, I talk to them as if they were stupid, I treat them like they're interrupting me, etc.
What's the deal with that? How do I overcome it?
Anyway, Day 58 and still sober. I'm very happy about that. My general mood way better. I laugh more.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Feb 9, 2007 14:41:16 GMT -5
Day 59. Each time I type the day number is still a little thrill for me. That's a good sign. If it felt routine, then I think I would be losing some of my edge in recovery. The weekend is upon us. I have nothing planned for fun, unless laundry, dishes, vacuuming, and groceries are fun. Heh, I guess I'll make the most of them. Weeee I hope to keep the recent guilt issues at the forefront of my resting mind this weekend in order to put that (expletive) to rest. I guess telling myself I have nothing to feel guilty about because she likely never found out about the porn and just left for her own reasons ain't cuttin' it. Perhaps it's time to allow myself the realization that my spiraling porn addiction could very well have contributed to the decline of our relationship for her, even without her knowing. I had just graduated from college. I had no real job, none on the horizon, so I had a bunch of crappy jobs - I bounced, I worked at a liquor store, and I was an administrative assistant. I worked from 8 am until 3 am many days with my only breaks coming on the bus or my bike between jobs. I had fear for my future. None of these things are excuses, I'm just realizing the things occuring in my life that were triggers for acting out. She was not enough. I needed my old friend porn to help me manage these scary emotions. It had nothing to do with how wonderful she was for me. But I'm sure my acting out had a negative affect on my job search. I'm sure my low self esteem didn't help during interviews. I'm sure the acting out only added to the stress, causing me to feel more like acting out. I'm sure I grew a bit distant from her. I did those things. I helped to put a dagger in our relationship just as she did. Maybe my growing depression and distance did damage. So there it is. I'm sure of these things. I did them. I can't blame her. It does me nothing to continue to play the (expletive)ing victim. Man, its all old news anyway. I have forgiven myself for all sorts of things. This may be the hardest of all. I have not yet forgiven myself for the part I played in her leaving. I was so tied up in my own acting out bull(expletive) that I didn't notice some of the signs of her discontent that are only now becoming apoparent. Her wanting to hang with her friends without me. Us not being together all the time. Her not calling me every time she could, like usual. She was distancing herself from me, and I allowed it because the (expletive)ing porn blinded me to it. All that I can see now. I share in it. She has no regrets about leaving me. I didn't earn that. Man this is some deep addiction stuff. This is addiction stuff that happened much earlier in my life than the stuff I've worked through. This is the deep dark stuff that must be exposed to truth and light. It sucks. I would get her to drop off her car for me while she was at work so I could go job hunting. I hunted something, but it was at the local porn shop. Then I'd hide the stuff, and pick her up like it was all cool. But it wasn't, I bet my act was not fully successful. I bet she found something that she couldn't quite name in my little lying act that made her uncomfortable and sad. Wow. I remember my wife not trusting me and not believing that I was not using porn. She was right. She could sense it. I know now that the ex could sense some unnamed thing wrong too. The SOs over on the other side have mentioned it. Time to face it. Porn contributed to the break up. My porn addiction eroded me to the point of weakness and it quickly worked me over and into a person who was less that she wanted. It was the thing that weakened our relationship just enough to allow the voice of fear inside her that caused her to run from other relationships to cause her to run from ours. I did that. It still sucks. But its in the past. And in the past is where it belongs. Along with her. I must forgive myself and finally move on. But I'm not ready. Tim
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Post by somedude on Feb 12, 2007 11:53:51 GMT -5
Hey, its Day 62! That's a great thing!
I have to admit that I'm a little pissed about something. I'm pissed in 2 ways. First, I'm pissed at myself for letting my eyes lock on the little sexually suggestive banner of the woman in the tight outfit, pissed that my heart leapt, and pissed that I locked on that sucker for way too long. But, I did look away and click away, and I did not allow the thought to fester in my mind. I did not play the image over, or obsess over it. So that's good.
Second I'm pissed because the banner was way over the top for a game website. I'm not the only one who wanted to download the demo of Supreme Commander - a super over-hyped new game. I'm quite sure many young people and children were there downloading it. Many of the download mirrors were loaded and had long waits, but only one had a (expletive)ty little near porn banner on it. I closed the page and proceeded to another one to download the demo. But I'm really pissed that the banner was there in the download link for a super popular demo, on a very mainstream gamer website.
This brings up the argument I make myself that the stuff is going to be out there, I cannot change that, so its wasted energy to be mad about it. That's true. I do my best to avoid triggering banners, and I give myself credit for doing so. However, the internet is still the internet and I will always run the risk of being blindsided. It's not that it happens despite my good efforts to minimize the ocurrences, it's that I can control how I react to them. I'm pissed at myself this time, not because it happened, but because I reacted to it at a level less than expected.
It's an opportunity to learn. I had no idea that I would stumble on such content doing what I was doing. Since getting some game demo is not real important to my life, I'll just skip it in the future. But more than that, I need to have an idea in my mind of the correct way to react to unexpected content on the websites I use. I need to solidify my personal expectations and work on meeting them the next time.
I expect myself to not look at such banners. I expect myself to immediately look away. I expect myself to immediately re-evaluate the purpose of my being on whatever website I'm on. If I have a legitimate reason for being there, and no other website can provide whatever it is I'm looking for, then I expect myself to proceed without giving a second glance to the image. If I cannot hack that, then I expect myself to close the page regardless of the reason I have for being there, because no reason is higher than recovery.
____________________________________________________
Part of my recovery, really part of living in a way consistent with good physical and mental health, is working out. I go to the YMCA 3 days a week to lift and do cardio. It's a great stress release, and it's a way to keep slim, and to work off the results of a diet that is a bit less than optimal. This is good, outer circle stuff. But there's a small catch...
Like many porn addicts, I tend to ogle. Part of my recovery is to train my eyes to look at women only from the shoulders up. When shoulders down is the first thing in my line of sight, I'm supposed to let my eyes bounce off. I'm not to allow myself to move the eyes below the shoulders, and I'm to think respectful thoughts about the women around me. This is a struggle. Especially at the gym.
The gym is good for me, but its also a good place for seeing up and down things that are inappropriate to see up and down. I'm not saying that I'm actively pursuing opportunities to see up or down things, I did that in the past and that's inner circle stuff. Actively pursuing that would be a slip. What I'm talking about is the thought process that used to lead up to actively pursuing an up or down look.
In many places, but especially the gym, the thought process looked like this:
1. Check out female. 2. Judge body. If bad, move to next female, if good move to next step. 3. Judge clothing, if up or down possibilities do not exist, move to next female, if up or down possibilities do exist, move to next step. 4. Put her on the watch list. 5. Adjust workout and movement in the gym (or where ever) to maximize safe up or down opportunities with females on list. 6. Get a few looks in.
As I said, most of this is inner circle stuff. I catch myself long before I get to step 3, but it's quite hard to prevent the scanning of the room and of incoming females present in the first 2 steps. Usually I don't get past step one. It's easy enough to catch myself checking out females, and pull the plug; but its so ingrained in me at the gym, that I'm almost constantly catching myself scanning. Its a lot better when my wife is working out with me, so I know I can stop scanning if I want to, it's just a bit of a struggle.
The fact that I'm working on stopping the early onset of ogling is a testament to the success I've had so far with recovery. One of my goals is to move my work further and further out from the obvious "don't look at porn", to the less obvious issues of this addiction. From the core porn issue, to the outying issues that fuel it. Objectifying women is a major fuel. So I have to constantly work on not doing it.
There are a few women at work that I also ogle. So I have an opportunity to work on this stuff each day in an environment with less opportunities. This can help me prepare for opportunity rich environments like the gym. This will help me to see the women around me as people, not chances for looks.
Today I will not look at porn. Today I will look at the women at work as people, not objects.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Feb 13, 2007 9:13:49 GMT -5
Day 63.
I identified some things to work on yesterday, so I think this will be a short entry. I will be working hard on the ogling issue tonight as it's swimming lesson night for my son, so I'll be at the Y working out. I will also continue my ogling work today at work by keeping my eyes in respeceful places during the day.
I will do Lesson 8 of the old Pride Workshop, now called the Recovery Nation Foundations Workshop today. I will also be porn free.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Feb 15, 2007 9:50:59 GMT -5
Day 65.
You know, I really had nothing to write about yesterday. I sort of took a day off from recovery work, I guess. I stopped by and saw no posts I felt the need to reply to, I had nothing to say in my journal, and so I skipped it.
This morning I had a real urge to mastubate in the shower. I did not. I'm not ready for masturbation right now. It is too tied to objectification and fantasy - both of which are tied to porn and voyeurism, which I cannot do. So, since I get up first and am usually alone, and I have a habit in the winter of keeping the bathroom door open while showering to let some moisture into the rest of the dry house, I just left the door open. Showering with the bathroom door open is a good way to prevent masturbation.
The fact that I can prevent masturbation by leaving the bathroom door open suggests that I would be ashamed if my wife caught me. The fact that I would be ashamed suggests that masturbation is not healthy for me. So skipping it was a good idea.
As for my work in the whole ogling area, I've had mixed success. I am definitely noticing my behavior and stopping it right away. But I'm surprised at how often my mind thinks that way. When I'm out and about, the thoughts are almost constant. It's quite challenging to keep pace with myself. If I let myself relax, I find myself looking longer and in places that I don't want to be looking. It's a lot of work.
This is an area I did not work during any of my last recovery attempts. I believe the continuation of objectification greatly contributed to my relapses. Therefore, I need to do this work.
It's like this gigantic mental energy sucking vacuum. To go to the gym, the store, really anywhere, I have to be alert for signs of my own ogling. It's draining. So ingrained.
Today I will stay sober, and keep wokring on retraining my eyes and mind.
Tim
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Post by JohnG on Feb 15, 2007 10:28:35 GMT -5
Somedude,
The next time you are in the gym why not try not to look at any women, period? What I mean is, I tried for a while to only look at faces. But when looking at faces I can see in my peripheral their bodies (sort of). The body is a magnet that has to be resisted. If I don't look at the face, I don't feel as much pull. I have tried this in the supermarket and made it into a game. Get in, shop, get out, without looking straight on at any woman. I spent a lot of the time studying the floor tiles as my cart rolled over them.
I don't mean to spend my life this way. But the exercise reinforces my belief that it can be done and makes it easier the next time. I think the brain is like any other muscle - it must be exercised. Doing my supermarket experiment is like doing five reps of really heavy weight. It builds strength and muscle mass more quickly.
Just an idea (maybe even a stupid one - but it can't hurt).
JohnG
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Post by somedude on Feb 16, 2007 13:01:15 GMT -5
Hey John, thank you for your suggestion! I never considered NOT looking at women in the gym, but I tried it out last night. Not looking at all was difficult due to the nature of a common area with others. But I directed my eyes away from all women when I saw them. This effectively took my head off of the swivel it's been on for years.
Using the cardio equipment is boring. That's when my ogling is at the max. Last night I tried to watch the TVs at first. But my workout time (6 pm to 7pm ish) coincides with all of the Entertainment news shows, so the TVs became an obvious source of hyper sexified imagery. I never watch those shows at home due to my general disdain for frivolous pop culture trash, so why watch them at the gym? I ended up looking at the ceiling and at the display on the elliptical machine, but at least I was not ogling.
I had to really stay alert to make it without ogling. In some ways, having to work so hard to not ogle is quite disappointing, but being able to do so is good. Last night there was a stunningly beautiful young woman there whom I had not seen before. I'm pleased to say that I observed her to be quite attractive, but I did not cross the line to ogle-ville. That's progress, but I needed that much temptation? Life is intersting sometimes. ____________________________________________________
The weekend is almost here. I've made it to Day 66, it will be Day 69 when I return. Ooooh, he said 69. Is laughing about the fact that I typed 69 a sign of addiction, or is that normal? My wife always chuckles at stuff like the number 69. I'm not going to worry about it.
I'll be sober today.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Feb 19, 2007 11:43:47 GMT -5
Day 69 I'm doing better at the Y since I started following John's advice. Sometimes its the simplest things we overlook that help the most. I have a side job to finish tonight after work. It's a house call. I don't like doing them, but the couple is quite wealthy and well known. They know a lot of wealthy people with computers, so referals could be a real boon to my little company. The issue for me is that the easiest thing to do would be to go there on the way home from work and take care of the last of the issues. Unfortunately, the only person home during that time will be the teenage daughter. She's a young, thin, and probably attractive woman. She is the exact kind of person that I have fantasy issues with. I'd like to avoid any situation that could trigger fantasy behavior. That's very sad. I'm ashamed to say that I want to avoid giving these people prompt service because I don't want to have my mind filled with sexual fantasies about their teenage daughter. Sick. The truth is just that though. I should wait until someone else is home, or better yet, no one else is home. They have offered to give me the key code to the house, so that I can fix the proplem whether they are home of not. Maybe that is the best idea. Every goddamn day is another day that I see another way that I am an addict. Every day is a good day to be sober and to see through my own mental bull(expletive). But, its frustrating and tiring. I'm angry that I have to struggle with myself to choose a safe time to make extra money. Especially when this extra work is a godsend. We are still overextended and really need the extra hundred bucks or so to make it to next payday. Knowing that I have little choice but to do the job ASAP just adds to the frustration of picking a time to do it. It's for the best that I try to strike a balance between absolute safety and expediency. Maybe, this time, I will have to wear the big boy pants and force myself to treat this young lady like a person, and to force myself to see her for what she is, not for what my addict wants her for. I'll be sober today. No porn, no voyeuring, no objectification or fantasy. Tim
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Post by somedude on Feb 20, 2007 17:15:03 GMT -5
Day 70...woot! We are in the middle of a major server meltdown here at work. Currently the outside vendors are doing their thing. Hopefully we have it fixed for tomorrows business. It's been down since 9:15 am, and it's now 4:15 pm. This is what I get paid for...and my yearly employee evaluation meeting is only a week or so away I've been spending what little time I have today for the board over in JohnG's journal. He needs some support, and I need a little break from myself anyway. Tim
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Post by somedude on Feb 21, 2007 12:12:20 GMT -5
Day 71.
I was only here until 8:45 pm last night. My outside vendors who are assisting with our server recovery wussed out at 8:30 pm. I've been here until 1:30 am in the past, its my job, but I was happy to get home and see my family awake, and to get a good night's sleep.
Today and tomorrow are going to suck ass. The server recovery should be complete enough to fire it up around lunch time, but there will be a lot of issues today and tomorrow for me to fix. And a lot of people who believe their issues are the most important.
Prioritize, fix, and move on. That's the way to work.
I'll be clean today.
Tim
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Post by MJ on Feb 21, 2007 15:52:21 GMT -5
Keep up the good work, Tim! ---MJ
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Post by JohnG on Feb 23, 2007 19:53:46 GMT -5
...The server recovery... Tim A server in recovery too? Another casualty of P! Tim, thanks for all your plain talk in my journal. You had a lot to do with me getting off my ass and doing the "heavy lifting" as you put it somewhere else - though that letter was not that heavy compared to what is to come. Gratefully, JohnG
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Post by somedude on Feb 26, 2007 9:33:33 GMT -5
Day 76. Thanks for stopping by MJ and JohnG, its nice to have visitors. John, I'm so glad you're working as hard as you are. It's an inspiration to me to see someone working on recovery with the vigor you that you do. MJ, I've lost a bit of touch with your recovery, but I'll be stopping by to catch up with you this week ____________________________________________________ I missed most of last week because of my server crash. Talk about stressful! Most of the problems are solved now and the recovery is nearly complete. Only a few technical detaisl remain. Unfortunately, I'm nearly a week behind schedule with other stuff - so the stress will continue. The good news with all of this is that there will be little time to get bored this week. Boredom is a trigger for me, but so far I've been nearly wall to wall busy since I started recovery. There have been few days where I've had to work super hard to stay busy to fight off the addict. That trend looks likely to continue for months yet. The other good news is that I did not act out during the high stress of last week. There were hours when the outside contractors were the only people working on our issues. At those times, I could have acted out as an escape from the stress. In the past, I would have shut myself in my office and porned like a madman. Instead, I made calls to our branches, sent out emails, and rallied the troops here in the building in person. I walked around a lot and communicated with people about the crash, the progress, the timeline, and tried to keep the mood light. I figured if people saw the IT guy relaxed, in control, and in good spirits - the man who had the most stress - it would keep morale higher. Tim
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