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Post by MJ on Dec 28, 2006 11:29:55 GMT -5
Hey somedude,
Thanks for stopping by my journal. Don't worry, I'm not upset by what Marvin wrote in my journal. As you said, he means well. I know that he's only trying to help me.
For me, as most of you guys know, my p addiction is made even harder because it brings up the struggle I have over sexual orientation. I do not consider myself gay, nor do I consider myself straight, nor do I consider myself bisexual. Is that possible? What I can't deny is my attraction to men. Whether I pretend it's real or not, it's there.
I have not yet come to terms with my situation. I can only work on one thing at a time I guess. What I am grateful for is the fact that I can talk about things here on the board with you guys and receive insightful comments. I do have an SLAA sponsor who knows about my situation, but it's still good to have you guys as well.
What I hope for is that my life can just be normal some day---whether that be living a gay lifestyle, straight lifestyle, or being content to be alone.
Thanks for your support, somedude. It means a lot.
Take care, MJ
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Post by somedude on Dec 29, 2006 10:08:53 GMT -5
Thanks, for stopping by, MJ. I really value your participation in my recovery. SO, its Day 17. I will be clean today. Its my last day until January 2, so when I get back I'll be on Day 21. I'm looking forward to that. Busy day again. That's all I have today, stay busy, stay busy. I feel on the edge of a major attack of the urges. I'll make it through, but it won't be super fun. Maybe if I put the work in I can stay ahead of it and I won't have to face the onslaught. Here's to getting lucky Don't worry, I won't slip, I'll just be sort of crazy and frazzled as I struggle to stay busy. This creeping feeling of the major urges comes at a good time though. Right before I get out of here for a 3 day weekend, that's 3 days of safety from it, 3 days to let the urges settle without the ability to act out. tim
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Post by somedude on Jan 2, 2007 9:16:13 GMT -5
Woot, I go away for a few days, I come back, its day 21!
Day 21, that's good.
So I was taking a shower on Saturday around lunch time, when I was hit with an epiphany of sorts. These are things that I knew, but never knew. Here is what I finally got:
1. I have shame. The shame I carry from getting caught by my wife. The shame I carry from getting caught at work at my old job, the shame I carry from getting caught at my current job. The shame I carry for what my getting caught did to my wife.
2. I have guilt. The guilt I carry from my actions as an addict. The guilt I carry from the pain I caused my wife. The guilt I carry from the time I wasted at work on this addiction.
3. The guilt and shame cloud all of my perceptions. Each of us sees the world differently, each clouded by our perceptions and assumptions. The guilt and shame cause me to assume that I'm bad, and perceive the world as on the edge of catching on to my badness.
4. I grew up with an alocoholic father with a short fuse and a terrible, uncontrollable anger. As a child, I learned to react with anger in inappropriate situations. I already have a temper. Now, this temper is a much milder form than my father's, and my fuse is much longer, but I still have a bigger heaping of anger than others. My guilt and shame only exaserbate that anger.
What I realized after these facts were laid bare for me, was that I needed to truly feel the guilt and shame. I had to relive each of the root causes of the guilt and shame that I could recall. I had to allow them to overwhelm me, to bring me to my knees. I had to understand them, and understand how they fu*k me. Then, I had to let them go.
I truly understood how the guilt and shame fueled my anger and short temper. After letting those destructive feelings go, I felt elated, I laughed, I felt lighter. I still do.
I know that I was a much better person that day and each day since. I know that my guilt and shame are much reduced, that I don't feel like somone is going to bust me as a (expletive)ty person. I know that I perceive the world differently as a result.
It was a break through. The first real break through I've ever had in my long, rocky battle with this addiction. It ROCKS!
One of my goals is to kick this addiction. I can do that one day at a time. Today I will be sober.
One of my goals is to be a better person. To focus more on others than myself. To be compassionate and happy.
What happened to me in the shower on Saturday was a HUGE step for towards both of those goals.
tim
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Post by somedude on Jan 4, 2007 9:55:00 GMT -5
Day 23. I will be clean today. I was out of the office all day yesterday at one of our newer branch locations. We're moving to a new building there, so I'll have a few more day trips to make in the next few weeks. Anyway, its easy to be sober when I busy all day, so I'll take it. In the car, I was able to listen to the first few chapters of In the Shadows of the Net. The 38 minutes of audio took more like an hour and 30 minutes between all the phone calls, and all the times I had to pause it to process something. Each time I feel guilt/shame from now on, I am going to let the feeling come, accept it, understand it, place it in the past, forgive myself, and let it go. Doing that during the Carnes audio book caused quite a few pauses. This addiction is fueled by SO many things. I have stopped acting out, that's a fuel. I catch myself each time I start fantasizing, that's a fuel. I avoid triggers, those are fuels. But all of those fuels have been taken away before in my other unsuccessful recovery attempts. This time, I realized that the other fuels are hidden and hard to be rid of. Those fuels are guilt and shame. Each time I feel guilt/shame over a past action is a time to finally feel the guilt/shame, accept, forgive, and move on. Each time I do that the pool of reserve fuel gets smaller. Its liberating. These are the first real steps towards recovery I've ever taken. Its really, really good. I feel better. As for living in the moment. Each time I feel good, I force myself to stop moving and just feel for a second. I guess its called stopping to smell the roses. Since one of the emotional patterns that fuels my addition is feeling bad about myself, I used to avoid smelling the roses because I did not feel I deserved it. Well, talk about self destructive BS! Also, each time I feel bad, I try to identify the feeling. If its guilt/shame I do the aforementioned. If its anger, a popular one for me, I take time to stop and sort that out. Living in the moment and dumping the things that fuel my addiction are hard work.
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Post by somedude on Jan 5, 2007 9:57:59 GMT -5
Holy crap, is it Day 24 already?!?
I'll be clean today.
I don't have much today. Staying clean has been easy so far, but living in the moment is a (expletive). Keeping my focus on emotional recovery is much harder than just white knuckling it through sobriety. Of course, white knuckling it has always failed me at some point anyway, so quitting that strategy in favor of emotional recovery is much better.
tim
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Post by somedude on Jan 6, 2007 8:15:39 GMT -5
ITs a Saturday, but since I'm at work for a while I thought posting on Day 25 would be a good idea.
Working here alone on weekend days used to be an automatic porn day for me. An extra day at work was an extra day at porn. Not today. Its 7:12 am, I've been here around an hour, but I'm almost done. I was planning for it to take the whole morning, but overestimating is good. I can leave here in an hour or so. That's good.
Planning to continue my progress to live in the moment and feel when I feel. Also planning to make a big batch of chili today.
tim
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Post by choselife on Jan 6, 2007 9:12:51 GMT -5
Each time I feel guilt/shame from now on, I am going to let the feeling come, accept it, understand it, place it in the past, forgive myself, and let it go. Doing that during the Carnes audio book caused quite a few pauses.
Just quoted some of the really great stuff you are doing. No wonder you are getting such great results. I am essentially doing the same process as you. And not coincidentally, the name of my journal is "Living in the moment". And it is hard work. Yet, the longer that I do it, I find there are some days when it is not such hard work, it comes much more easily. I am extremely grateful for those days. It essentially involves retraining the mind, and intuitively makes sense that it will require less effort as those patterns become ingrained and internalized. I'm glad I stopped by your journal. Keep up the great work.
CL
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Post by somedude on Jan 8, 2007 9:19:45 GMT -5
Thanks for stopping by choselife. Your encouragement means a lot. I hope you can find the strength to continue the heavy lifting of recovery. I should stop by your journal, I could use another perspective on living in the moment.
Its Day 27. I have this printed out calendar from Outlook in my desk drawer. Each day I write the sobriety day number, and cross out the sober day(s) before. I'm a list maker and I get a little kick out of crossing things off of lists. Each time I cross off a day on my sobriety calendar is a little thrill.
Another busy week is starting. I have a ton of stuff to do this week. I should be out of the office a day or two, at our northern major branch, which is moving this week in hopes of opening at the new location on the 15th. I have a ton of responsibility in this area, so I'm a bit stressed. But it will keep me busy, and the car ride to and from is a good time to listen to my Carnes audio book.
I feel pretty good today. Right now I'm feeling the need to get moving on some work, so its time to wrap up today's entry.
tim
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Post by somedude on Jan 9, 2007 9:17:33 GMT -5
Pretty fu#king busy this morning. People started calling me at 6:09 am to tell me part of our system was down. Its never just one person either, no matter how much I stress to the first poor (expletive) that has to piss me off at 6:09 am that I'm working on it and that they should spread the news that I'm on it, a bunch more people have to call.
Plus, with the thing taking a sh#t this morning, and all the sh#t I have to get together for tomorrow's big setup and activation at the branch, I really don't give a sh#t if owner number one's laptop goes into power save mode too soon when he's not using it, or that owner number two wants me to look over his pig a$s kid's laptop TODAY before he goes off to study abroad for the semester. Ooh, maybe he'll have that tasteless bikini girl wallpaper on the laptop again. At least that never was a trigger for me. Mostly just pissed me off that he didn't have the courtesy to take that crap off before turning it in to a corporate environment for free service on all of his irresponsible spyware and viruses he always has on it.
Wow, am I crabby. It's going to take massive effort on my part to be even mildly civil for a little bit here. This is an area I need to work on. When too much happens all at once at work, or anywhere really, I get super tweaked, and then watch out.
Anyway, Day 28 is starting out with a bang.
If I can chill for a second or two here, I might be able to organize how the hell I'm going to get all this done today. I probably can. In the past, I would tell myself I need a few minutes to chill and get organized, and then instead, I would take a few hours to hit the porn - you know, to chill out. What a load a BS!
I'll be clean today.
Maybe I should take a second to think of the good things that are going to happen today:
1. My wife is going to get the plates renewed on my car today. We lost the renewal postcard, so someone has to go into the DMV to get it done. She volunteered, bless her heart. By the time I head home, I won't have to worry about getting pulled over for expired plates.
2. I'll be prepared to take on the first part of phase one of moving the branch by the end of the day. That means it will be one big step closer to being done.
3. I get a new cell phone today. I do like my gadgets, and my current phone won't charge anymore, plus the flip cover sensor is broken, so it can't tell when the cover is closed or not. The new phone is cool - mp3 player, 2 megapixel camera, other nice features - I'm looking forward to it.
4. I'll be clean today, so that's good.
Time to work. I feel a bit better.
Tim
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Post by MJ on Jan 9, 2007 18:51:08 GMT -5
Hey Tim, Just wanted to thank you for stopping by my journal over these past few days. Keep up the good work---and hey---make sure you get an awesome cell phone. I bought myself a new cell phone just last week! Take care, MJ
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Post by somedude on Jan 15, 2007 11:42:24 GMT -5
Day 34.
My trip on Wednesday to our branch office turned into a trip on Thursday and a trip on Friday, and a trip tomorrow, and maybe more. Its a 90 minute ride each way, so...lame. I know some people commute that long every day, but I don't and it sucks. Anyway, as a result of the travel, I have not been jounaling, and I missed a chance to toot my horn about 30 days. So here it is:
TOOT, WOOPIE, YAY, HOORAY...30 days of clean living!!!! Yay me!
I really feel good about making it to 30 days and beyond. The stress of moving a business, and travel, and getting up stupidly early to do it all has caused me to feel a bit frayed at the edges of my recovery. While there, a couple of the guys were joking about going to a strip club for lunch, something I always thought was dumb and have never done and was not tempted to do. I got a little too pissy with them over the suggestion and then my cell rang and it was my wife. I gave them both a real firey look and told them if the name of the strip club got uttered in the background while I was on the phone with my wife it was going to be ugly, that lunch at said club was out, and that they should shut up and let me talk on the phone. An obviously over the top response. Both of them are totally fine, probably barely noticed, and have forgotten all about it, but I feel a little funny about it still.
I think the real reasons for the frayed feeling are as follows:
I was on a torrent search site, one that has no porn banners, looking for some Japanese language torrents, when I saw some of those suggestive but not pornographic banner ads for singles sites. Now, I've never been one to go to those sites, and I was not tempted, but I looked at the women too long. I shook it off and continued on the site long enough to get the torrents I wanted. Feeling better, I browsed the new releases section ignoring the banner ads as always, but I caught a bikini ad for some celeb site or something out of the corner of my eye and looked at it too long. I shook it off and left the site. These weren't porn banners, or really even close, but they caught my eye more that I liked. Also, I have had a few really clear sex dreams - one involving my wife (which is good) and the other involving me on a porn binge. Further, I've caught myself fantasizing about porn, and about the girls I used to voyeur - I stopped myself instantly, but it still happened.
I don't really fear that I'm going to slip, and I know that the stuff that's leaving me feeling frayed is a natural part of the battle between the addict and me, but it still sucks. Its still hard. And it leaves me irritable and hurt. I'll get through, but I think I'm hitting one of those patches that will test me mightily.
I have some reading to do here over the next few days to catch up on stuff on the board. Hopefully I can get back to participating on the board more as I get the branch office settled tomorrow.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Jan 17, 2007 10:36:00 GMT -5
Day 36 Well, I have some stuff to catch up on at work from being at the branch so much lately. Should be an eventful day. I hope I can knock some stuff out. I'm still an addict, but I will be clean today, just like the 35 days before today I feel pretty calm today, usually I would feel short tempered and frazzled and I would respond somewhat poorly to all the catching up I need to do. It still stresses me to know that a bunch of people are essentially laying in wait to hit me with some piddly crap when they see me. "Hey Tim, you know that VPN thing you showed me how to use like 6 times, and even sent written directions via email? How do I use that again?" And people wonder why computer guys get testy. "Hey Tim, I still can't get those TPS reports in my email? Can you fix it?" Dude, how many times do I have to go over the simplest frickin thing with you? I could fix it, but since the issue is with your frickin brain, I'd have to learn psychology and perhaps brain surgery first, or is it your hearing? Man, if your dyslexic and have a hard time reading my simple step-by-step email instructions, just tell me and we can work out a different way to communicate. Otherwise, slow down, listen or read carefully and just follow the instructions. Its not rocket science. I got my business cards done for my side business. My wife put the flyer in the boxes of all the real estate agents in her office, and my step daughter has a few cards and flyers for her law office. I will drop a card with my Chiropracter, she wants some computer help, later today. So, the first wave of marketing is done. I hope I get some business soon. Pretty cool thing happened yesterday. I have an old boat - a 1974 Yar-Craft Model 14 Angler. It has some holes on the bow that I could never figure out. Well, while at the branch office last week I saw anothe model 14 angler in a boat junk yard right across the street from the office. Yesterday I stopped there to see it. It has bow rails. That's what the holes on mine are from. My boat has holes for the bow rails, but the rails themselves are gone. Mystery explained. I wanted a few photos of the boat so I stopped in to see the guy who runs the place. He's an old gray haired guy in his late 70s who fixes old boat motors. I have one of those too. He told me he could tune up and repair my old motor for $200 - $250 and have it purring like a kitten. That was great news, so I told him I'd bring it up after ice out so he could work on it. I left the old guy, but I just couldn't get all those old "junk" boats out of my head. He told me he bought them for the trailers and the motors, and that the actual boats are junk. Many of those old boats are classics begging to be restored. Aftger an hour or so of obsessing over them, I stopped back and gave the old guy my business card and asked him if I could help him sell some of the "junk" boats. He told me to go ahead, and that he'd split the money with me. I told him I just want my motor fixed in exchange, but I also have a need to save a few of these classics. He said he'd work with me if I sold off some boats. I have no doubt that I can sell at least 3 of them to restorers for a few hundred each. That means I can get my motor fixed for free -free is good. I guess I'm a classic boat dealer now... tim
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Post by somedude on Jan 18, 2007 11:18:49 GMT -5
Day 37. Same as yesterday. I think I should take some time in the next few days to listen to some Carnes, or work recovery a bit. I've been coasting on the progress I've made, without working on more progress during these busy last few weeks, but its time to take it up a notch.
As long as I don't slip or have stinkin thinkin, then I'm recovering in the sense that I'm getting physically past the porn high, and I'm putting some time between me and acting out, but I still need to work to progress further than I did my last recovery attempt. We all know how well that one worked.
tim
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Post by somedude on Jan 22, 2007 14:06:07 GMT -5
Day 41...41!
Still in the same sobriety holding pattern as before. But that's worlds better thatn being in the same bingeing pattern as before that.
A funny thing happened this weekend. I worked through some of my work disgruntlement with my wife and found out that I have some great ideas to improve the company I work for. I pitched them to one big wig this morning, and I do it with my boss in an hour.
I think the acting out Tim would have been happy to use the disgruntlement as an excuse for acting out. I used to protect my time carefully to ensure that I had free time at work to use for porn. Not anymore.
Anyway, the details are unimportant, but the addict is losing power and the better me is coming out more and more.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Jan 23, 2007 12:12:15 GMT -5
Day 42. Been doing some posting on the board today to reconnect with others in recovery. It's been helpful.
I'll be clean today. No real urges.
The meeting with my boss went no where. In the end, I told him that in the case of things that involve me, I have no choice but to assert that they are handled with more forethought by any other managers involved, and that I will do the necessary work to make it so. I feel that I made my opinions clear surrounding recent projects, and that no longer will I allow for the ones that I'm involved with to devolve into cluster-fu^ks.
Anyway, I did get him to list the progress of several upcoming major changes, agree to involve me in them as soon as they are a go, and to agree that certain recent secrecy involving large projects was ridiculous, and that continuing such secrecy would be counterproductive.
As much as it sucks to say, my boss is part of the decision making quagmire around here. He needs regular and consistent leadership. Almost all of the upper management people here do. Maybe this is why my wife is convinced I need to lead. She tells me its my own company that I will lead someday. Sounds good.
Anyway, I got some work related crap off my chest the last few days, and I should be better focused as a result. Plus, I vowed to deal with stuff as stuff happens, so there.
Tim
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