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Post by MJ on Jan 23, 2007 18:59:59 GMT -5
Hey Tim, Glad to see that all is well. ---MJ
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Post by somedude on Jan 25, 2007 11:11:24 GMT -5
Thanks for stopping by MJ! It's helpful to know you're out there caring. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Day 44 Man you can't leave the office for one day anymore without sh!t stacking up knee deep. So I guess I'll be scrambling today to get on top of it all. Listened to Anthony Robbins Get The Edge - Day 5 Power of Emotions on the way to our branch yesterday. He talks about emotions and how they affect us. He says negaitve emotions like anger, fear, etc. are messages that we need to listen to and take action on. He says we should be thankful for them because it gives us a chance to change and grow. He also says they don't go away if we ignore them, they just knock on the door harder. Then he lays out a 6 step plan for dealing with emotions. Its a complicated lesson, but its really about living in the moment, and being willing to listen to your internal messages. I was in the car so I couldn't take notes, and my notes form the first run through are missing, so I'll need to listen to it again and take notes again to help me remember the details. It's a really good lesson though, so listening more than once makes it stick. I intended to listen to the second Out of the Shadows mp3, but it was all scrambled on my player, so I had to go with plan b and do the Robbins instead. Still trying to make time for Carnes, but I see the Anthony Robbins as work towards living in the moment, which I defined as essential to my recovery. Going back to the branch on Monday, so I'll try the Carnes then. Tim
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Post by JohnG on Jan 26, 2007 7:18:07 GMT -5
Tim,
I was sceptical of Carnes before I got the audio book but I was wrong. I am very suspicious of popular psychology but that is not what it is. The book describes very accurately the mechanisms of addiction.
I am glad to see you doing so well. I have been browsing your journal today after seeing your post in mine. I hope we both continue to get better. You give me hope. I feel good but very cautious at the same time. I am in a very fragile period and over confidence can kill me.
Stay well for today.
Your friend,
JohnG
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Post by somedude on Jan 26, 2007 10:26:52 GMT -5
Day 45
After Day 100 or so, I'll probably stop bothering to kee the count, but it's working for me to keep it. Not so much as an extra reason not to slip, but as a way to remind myself how far I've come. Crossing off each day on a printed calendar and writing the next number on it is a little pleasure that I don't want to give up. I know that when I was a white knuckler, the day count was this tremendous barrier to acting out that promised to add even more guilt and shame to any slip I might have had. Now that I'm in a new kind of recovery from my last, more immature ones, I don't feel the same about the count. To me its a reflection of the joy of recovery and the happiness of distance from my acting out.
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Thanks for stopping by JohnG. I love this board, not because it fills the time I used to use to act out, but because it allows me to build friendships and relationships with other addicts. To give and receive advice, encouragement, and love.
It actually does fill a bit of the time I used to use for porn, but I maybe spend a grand total of a hour a day here - I'd spend more like all day with porn. My porn usage was almost completely at work over the years since I got busted at home, so here is where I feel like I need to use some of the old porn time for recovery.
Keep working and stay sober for today.
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It's Friday, so that's good. Monday I'll be the branch again for a meeting. So I'll be posting in here on Tuesday, unless I have something to say later today.
I just got a couple of new games to try out this weekend, Company of Heroes, and Call or Juarez, so I'm looking forward to playing those a bit. Now that my son is older, he often plays at friend's during the weekend. My wife works weekends quite often, and I've noticed some temptations while alone. In the past I would have masturbated while everyone was out, but that involved replaying porn images in my mind, remotely accessing my stash at work, or fantasizing - all bad, all inner circle stuff. Since that's all out, a good thing, I've been playing games more often. Its a fun way to pass some time when its bad outside. Once its good outside - late spring when the yard has dried out to late fall - I spend my time working in the yard, or on my koi pond, or on my project boat. Winter sucks for that, so its games and football.
I'll be clean today,
Tim
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Post by somedude on Jan 26, 2007 16:44:50 GMT -5
I've been thinking about JohnG's comments above regarding overconfidence being a killer. I agree, and in the past it has. I'm feeling very confident right now, so it made me wonder if my confidence will be a detriment to me in the near term. I've let the issue bounce around in my head today and here's where I am with it now as it relates to my current level of confidence: - Sometimes overconfidence is a sign of insecurity and is like the guy who wants to sound smart so he talks real loud. The overconfident guy is putting on an act to appear confident, and even to fool himself, because he's really on shaky ground. If that guy is also white knuckling it, his overconfidence will be a killer. - I feel genuine progress almost daily in both working my urge control/bad habit control, and on working the underlying issues that fuel the addiction. I feel confident because compared to all the last recovery attempts, I have not had the addict voice yelling DO IT in my ear. I've not had white knuckling bouts where I'm paralysed by the combination of the addict yelling YES and the real me yelling NO. I've had relative peace within. Peace I've earned myself with hard work on hard things that I avoided in the past that fueled my urges. - I don't feel a frenzied, macho sense of "you can't beat me" confidence, I feel a calm sense of "I am doing it and it's working" confidence. That's the difference between overconfidence and real confidence for me. I'm glad I took time to think about it. Thank you JohnG for bringing it to my attention. That's why this board is great See you on Tuesday. Tim
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Post by somedude on Jan 30, 2007 10:07:22 GMT -5
Day 49. that's super good!
I'm OK. Been pretty good actually.
I have some loose ends starting to develope. Stuff like ogling women and catching myself, starting to fantasize and catching myself, having vivid sex dreams not involving my wife, and catching myself replaying voyeur and porn images from the past. This is the part of recovery that is difficult. I do the right things to stop the addict brain from going on, but I am not so in command of the addict brain that I don't have the thoughts.
In the past I have failed during these grasping spasms of the addict brain. But I have my plan, I'm bust at work, and I'm in true recovery, not white knuckling recovery - so I'm hopeful and confident. I'm not saying that the addict brain won't be ramping it up - I'm planning for that possibility. I'm not saying it won't suck - it will. I'm just saying that I'm confident that I'll progress past it this time.
I'll be clean today. Tomorrow is tomorrow, and I'll deal with that when it comes.
Tim
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Post by choselife on Jan 30, 2007 12:34:44 GMT -5
I just want to say that I enjoy reading your posts, and I know that you are definitely somebody that I can learn a lot from. When I have more time, I will post in your journal.
CL
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Post by somedude on Jan 31, 2007 8:59:58 GMT -5
Thank you for stopping by CL. It means a lot to me to know that other people care and are interested in my recovery.
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Day 50. Half way through the first 100 days.
I'm feeling sick today. Not sure I'll be here all day at this point. I feel nauseated. Not a good sign. When I feel like I might barf all day, I also tend to be short with people and quick to irritate. I'll have to be extra careful while I'm here today.
If I go home, I'll have time to do some recovery work. So going home would be alright too.
Tim
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Post by MJ on Jan 31, 2007 16:39:26 GMT -5
Keep up the good work, Tim. Your friend, MJ
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Post by somedude on Feb 1, 2007 16:56:50 GMT -5
Day 51 is almost over. Had a 4 1/2 hour meeting today so that kind of killed off any chance to post here or get any actual work done. But it was "good" as far as meetings go - so that's cool, I guess.
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Thanks for stopping by MJ. I'm really glad you're still here!
That's all for today.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Feb 2, 2007 13:00:03 GMT -5
Day 52.
Its a quiet day in the office today. That means I have some time to catch up on things that got dropped, and to catch up a bit on the board.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Feb 2, 2007 16:27:46 GMT -5
It's crazy how much work I can get done at the office when I don't waste 4 or 5 hours surfing for porn! It's invigorating The weekend will soon be here. The temps outside are likely to be in the single digits for a high temp this weekend, with lows well below zero, and wind chills lower still. LAME! My son and I will have to pay extra attention to our moods. We both get the winter stuck in the house its too cold agitation. If I'm not careful we'll bicker all weekend and piss off my wife. We'll have to head to the Y and shoot some hoops to burn off some steam. Anyway, I have a lot of house work to catch up on. We've both been so busy. Plus I get to watch the Super Bowl. As long as the Bears get their a$s kicked I'll be happy Brett Farve is coming back next season, GO Packers! Tim
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Post by somedude on Feb 3, 2007 11:27:11 GMT -5
Day 53, a rare Saturday post.
My wife is at work and my son is playing vids, so I have a second to write something I thought through whilest doing dishes.
Why I say/write the words porn and masturbation.
I use the whole words porn and masturbation. I don't use P and MB, or any other shortening of them. I believe people use the short forms to avoid the sting of the guilt/shame associated with those words. I don't want to avoid the pain, I want to grow past it. I did those things and avoiding the pain is not living in the moment. To be able to use/hear/read those words without guilt/shame is my goal as part of my recovery - so to avoid the pain is to put it off. Putting off feelings is not living in the moment. That means I'm still adding to the background noise and unfelt pain that is a pool of fuel for my addict.
I still feel bad things when I say porn and masturbation, but I'm not running from those feelings. Running from feelings is part of how I got here. I used porn, and I masturbated. I did these things frequently and that's my problem. So each time I talk about it, I face the words as sybols of the deeds, and I work recovery to grow past the pain.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Feb 5, 2007 12:10:27 GMT -5
Day 55. The Bears Still Suck...hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
All is well today. My son has no school due to the extreme cold weather. Its going to warm up to say -20 F with the wind chill this afternoon. I stayed home with him for a while and then took him over to a friend's house. His friend's mother is a school teacher, so she will be home all day. I wonder about school tomorrow, its supposed to be cold then too.
Lots to do today, Iwil be clean.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Feb 6, 2007 15:40:48 GMT -5
Day 56. A while ago I made my 100th post here on the board. Not a big milestone, but I was wondering what it would contain back when I posted number 1. I'm happy to say it was a supportive post in someone else's thread. To me, this is a place for a two way conversation with other addicts in recovery. So I don't want to post my stuff here without giving back to others.
Anyway, I need to take a few minutes today/tomorrow to go over my 3 lists, and to focus some energy on improvements to my urge control plan in preparation for the big "DO IT" that usually shows before the 100 day mark. Since I plan to say "NO!", I better be strong enough. What happened to empower could happen to me. He got lucky...I won't. I will have to get by the big "DO IT" with hard work before it comes. Maybe all the work will prevent it from happening at all. It scares me, because I've slipped under the pressure of the big "DO IT".
As I told JohnG, fear is a message telling you to get ready. I better heed the call.
I'll be sober and happy today, tomorrow can wait its turn.
Tim
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