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Post by somedude on Feb 27, 2007 8:45:42 GMT -5
Day 77.
I'm feeling kind of sick right now. I'm sure it will pass. My back, shoulders, and neck are screwed up from all the stress at work lately and from all the damn shovelling and snow removal. I'm done with winter now.
I think my chi is all blocked up.
I'll make a chiropracter appointment for tomorrow. She's closed on Tuesdays, so it'll have to be tomorrow.
As soon as my stomache calms down I'll take some Excedrine.
As for recovery, I've been super busy at work, so I've been treading water on it. I'll take a few minutes today to do the next module over at Recovery Nation. I think I'm on beginner module 10, The Role of Values.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Mar 1, 2007 10:51:44 GMT -5
Day 79
Jees was I sick! Went home at 10 am or so in a fevered daze and slept until 5 or 6 pm. I was back in bed for the night by 9 pm. Yesterday I worked from home and recuperated.
Today I feel fine. Well rested, that's for sure!
This weekend we take a family trip to a resort with an indoor waterpark. My son loves it there, and its a nice winter break. I'm a little worried because last time I was there I was ogling out of control. There will be tons of females in swimsuits and tons of female bodies. This is bad. I will have a lot of work to do inside my head to keep clear of objectification.
I know in my heart I'm not ready for this challenge, but the challenge is here anyway. I will have to work hard, and mentally prepare for the onslaught of the addict.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Mar 1, 2007 14:18:37 GMT -5
It's amazing how quickly an addict like myself can turn from sobriety to porn. Amazing how out of the blue a strong urge can hit. Amazing how weak I can feel. 79 days of sobriety can crumble in a heartbeat. How fragile our sobriety is.
How long will the fagility last? How long will it take to establish a more secure sobriety?
Just had a close call. Its the banners. On one particular site. I don't understand why the banners on this site are so triggering when banners for the stupid ass SI Swimsuit Edition are all over cnnsi.com in the NFL section I go to everyday. The content of the banners are pretty much the same. The SI Swimsuit Edition banners are no different from the celebrity skin type found on my torrent site. So why is one triggering and the other just annoying? Why can look away easily from one, but can't bearly tear my eyes off the other? Dammit.
I actually had the www. part entered into IE on the way to webshots. Webshots is inner circle stuff for me. So close. I looked at those w's and told myslf I had a choice. I told myself to wait. I could always go there later, but now I would have to wait. Waiting has jerked me back to reality. So close.
I'm gonna get to day 80 if it kills me! Which, of course, it won't.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Mar 2, 2007 9:13:53 GMT -5
Day 80, I made it and, as I predicted, it did not kill me.
I am in a fowl mood today. My finances remain in a shambles. It's the same old story. Not enough of the green to make the bills. We can make it, but every time we set the ship in the right direction we get sloppy and (expletive) it all up. Two instant gratification people are a bad combo when it comes to money.
Plus, I am tired of my job. I do well, I save the day, I work hard. There are a lot of people here doing the same, but a growing company is one that has to balance money carefully. Growth means more work. That means adding more work to the load for each person. Why not add people? Because growth means extra expenses sometimes and the balance is between keeping up with the added work and keeping down with added expenses. When the growth pays off in increased profit, then the people get added. The trick is to be sure that the plan to add people once profits are up doesn't result in employee burnout. That's the balance.
Well, I'm (expletive)ing burning out.
Plus, I can clearly see where mistakes were made that made the issues worse. Hindsight is 20/20, but those mistakes have yet to be corrected. When you know something's (expletive)ing wrong, YOU FIX IT. It is utterly inexcusable to continue making mistakes that harm the profitability of the company when it's obvious that harm is being done. Everyone makes mistakes, so what, but once a mistake is identified, you have to move to correct it.
My wife and I will be taking an honest look at our finances because we've made another mistake. We both need to learn to control our money, and our spending. To continue on making the mistakes we've made would be stupid, and harmful.
Better management is needed at our house. So we've planned the first in a series of short meetings to set the financial course for the remainder of the year. We will identify actions to be taken, and have a short follow up meeting to review progress. Each meeting will be review of progress, plus addition of another layer of financial management until we have things in order. After that we will meet weekly to review progress, project expenses, and corrects issues.
Oh yeah, when the boss mentioned last year at evaluation time that this year I would get a raise, he did not have the current picture fully formulated. Since profit is down, due to our capital growth spurt, salaries are looking quite frozen. So no raise.
OK done (expletive)ing.
I'm not out of the woods yet with regard to my recent urges. I feel a little rough around the edges. Better stay busy today and focused on work and this board.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Mar 2, 2007 14:24:26 GMT -5
Alright, so let's play this (expletive) out. Let's say at 2 pm I finish my day with a 2 hour porn slip. What will that get me?
1. A charge, a buzz. Whoopdie (expletive), a temporary buzz is not worth it. That little buzz I get always dies after the first few minutes. Then it's zombie time. So a two minute buzz is worth a slip? Nope.
2. A way to get through the day. What do I have to "get through"? Boredom. Well, I have plenty to do, I just don't want to do any of it. I want some down time. This is a big part of the issue. Sometimes I'm here in case the phone rings, but I don't want to start a big project, or invest heavy concentration on anything. This is when I would zone out with some porn.
3. A way to forget my financial issues. I really can't do (expletive) about it at work, but it still stresses me out when I'm here and not busy or porning. This is porn as a way to manage emotions - an escape. Clearly I get nothing from escaping - only problems that get worse, and negative emotions that fester instead of being felt and dealt with.
4. I'm really hyper anxious right now. Porn would calm me. It's the inner argument that me and my addict are having that is creating much of the anxiety. Porn would take that away, but for the wrong reasons.
5. I've been doing well, I feel good. My self esteem is better. Porn would damage all that. A slip would make my mild, temporary depression worse. I'll get over be slightly depressed in a few days max, porn would not help.
So that's what it looks like.
Sobriety wins again.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Mar 5, 2007 9:10:42 GMT -5
Day 83.
Made it through the water park weekend. I have to say that I was quite successful at keeping my eyes where they belonged. But what a minefield! To slide down a water slide with my son, we had to go up large platforms. There were lines. Do you have any idea where you can safely set your eyes when in a line on a stairway? Nowhere is the answer. Reliance on finding a safe place to look away was pretty much shot the first time we got in a line for a slide. Danger in front, danger behind, danger above (people in the line ahead of you are up the stairs), and danger below (people behind you in line are below you). So, I had to reformulate. I spent time talking to my son, and I spent time focused other places. I let myself turn inward as much as possible. Doing so was made easier by the noise of the rushing, falling, and running water, and the noise of all the people. Talking was not so easy sometimes. Once we returned to our room from the water park, it was actually kind of hard to snap out of the introversion.
I wasn't perfect in my quest, but neither was I a failure. I was overwhelmingly successful, but as JohnG found out recently, it takes a lot of energy and vigilance to stay off the old habits.
I remember the last time we went to the park. It was quite different. I was a ball of hyper-sexualized, wide-eyed, ogling tension. I was exhausted by the sheer amount of bodies to scope, and the sheer amount of planning it took to put myself in the best places to see things. I was a (expletive)ing total pervert!
This time I was calm, relaxed, and focused on having some fun with the boy. That's what daddy is supposed to do at the water park. I can let go of the guilt and shame of the last trip now.
I did all the stuff I said I did on the last trip. I was mean to my own flesh and blood, I was impatient with him, I saw him as an interruption of my ogling time. I acted like a sicko pervert. I hurt his feelings, and I set an example whether I wanted to or not, of how to conduct oneself at a water park. I objectified women and girls merely for my own pleasure. I did that. I forgive myself. I was wrong, but I forgive myself and I will allow myself to move past it.
If doing all of those perverted and crappy things is what being an addict is all about, then it's easy to see how recovery is the best path.
I have busy week ahead.
Today I will stay sober.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Mar 6, 2007 9:58:31 GMT -5
Day 84.
I'm still struggling with urges, although they seem to have subsided slightly. I'm sure they could come roaring back at any time. It's super annoying. Like a constant pressure, or buzz in my head. I hate struggling.
I feel a bit tired, and I know I have to go to the Y tonight, and that after I have laundry and dishes to do. My wife may pitch in on the dishes, but she's disorganized all the time, and depressed a lot of the time. The weather is really getting her down, not that she's not always down anyway. At least she's been sticking to her weight loss goals a bit better this time.
I have to get something off my chest. My wife has a job in real estate. Ideally, she goes to work in the morning somewhat near the normal time a person goes to work, and she works 4 to 6 hours and gets her stuff done, and then comes home. Sometimes she works weekends, sometimes she has to work at night, but that's the nature of real estate.
However, she does not actually work in an ideal fashion very often. Most of the time, she (expletive)s around most of the morning, doing a bit of real estate stuff from home, then goes in to the office for a couple of hours maybe, then picks up our son from school. Then she supposedly has more stuff she has to do, so after 6 or 7 pm, she goes back to work for a few hours. Sometimes, she goes back under the most flimsy of reasons. When I was acting out, and we lived near the university where I used to work, I would come up with some flimsy reason to go back to work. But I wouldn't work. I would voyeur.
In the past, she went through some serious bouts of depression and high stress. During those times she would drink. I put my foot down and said no drinking. Drinking is a special occasion only thing, and has no business in daily life, especially if it's being used as an escape. Period. After a few of those times, when I left zero doubt about my feelings, she would "clean the basement" or the garage, or drink alone while the rest of us were at work/school. I would find the empty four pack cartons and little four pack sized wine bottles hidden around the basement, garage, even one bottle in the junk pile out back of the garage. I confronted her about it several times. Each time she would tell me she knew it was bad, and that she would stop. I don't believe her. I occasionally find a hidden bottle somewhere, even now, and she tells me its from before, that she doesn't do that anymore. One of the last times I found stuff I demanded that she take the time to find all of the hidden evidence and get rid of it so I don't find anymore. I doubt she did that, because then she couldn't say "it's from before", or "oh that, that's real old", or something similar when I find something else.
This all relates to her regular working at night, because a few of those nights, I swear I smelled alcohol on her breath. Maybe I'm being paranoid now, but she's always real dippy and frequently has her glazed look when she get's home. Plus she started carrying breath gum, and when I hug her when she get's home, she doesn't face me. She turns her head away like she's hiding her breath.
It's entirely possible that nothing is happening, and that I'm just being paranoid, but I don't trust her. Something is going on that smells rotten. Maybe it's not drinking, but it's something.
I must confront her. I have to tell her that her current habits are unacceptable, and that she needs to change them.
I just called her and told her to go to work. I told her last night she left with the flimsiest of reasons, and that she was gone way longer that a necessary to complete the tasks she told me she was doing. I told her working at night needed to stop and that I had some trust issues. She asked what I thinks she's doing, I said I don't know. She hung up.
So that was productive.
I called her back and left a message explaining my fears that she is drinking, and my paranoia related to the evidence. she called me back and we talked. She admitted that her total lack of organization is bothering her at home due to messiness, and at work it's bitten her in the ass due to her inability to locate important paperwork. She told me she's not drinking, but she's not mad about my suspicions, because my lack of trust in not unfounded. We talked. It's better.
I re-communicated my feelings on alcohol as a special occasion thing only, and that we should not have daily usage of it. Further, I told her that if there is alcohol in the house, like the 6 pack on the porch, that I have to track it every day. I told her it stresses me to have to do that. I admitted that it's my issue, but she still suggested we get rid of alcohol in the house. Since we have only the 6 pack of Coors Light (gross, bleh, cheap crap) on the porch, and that the 6 pack was like $4, we decided to just dump it. She decided to let me dump it. When I get home I will pour that (expletive) down the sink and recycle the bottles and cardboard.
We had a productive talk, and I'm glad I did it.
So if we can just talk about the finances now....
Tim
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Post by somedude on Mar 8, 2007 7:26:01 GMT -5
Well, it would be Day 86 today, but it's not. I slipped yesterday, so it's day 86 of this recovery journey, but Day 1 for sobriety.
How did this happen?
I experienced a lot of internal pressure to act out. It had been building for days, maybe a week or so. Every day, all day, no stopping it. I lost. I have no idea hoe to get past that kind of pressure. I lasted many days with it, but in the end, I caved.
Starting the day counter, and admitting the slip is really no big deal to me. The slip itself is rally quite minimal. The real issue for me is firguring out where the intensity of the pressure came from, and what to do about it in the future.
I have no answer.
I know I've been under a lot of stress at work, but I handled the worst of it without slipping. So after the storm died down a bit I slipped.
I knew it would be yesterday. I couldn't drag myself to the board to post. My addict told me that if I was working so hard to stay sober, yet I still had to struggle so mightily against the pressure to act out, then I should just act out. My addict told me that my progress in recovery was nothing after 85 days, and that it wasn't going to work. I acted out.
The truth is my progress has been good, I feel good, I'm more calm, less snippy with people, better able to do my job, better able to be a decent human, I have more peace, and all kinds of other benefits. But despite all of the good things, I have the pressure to act out. Despite the good, I still have the pressure to be bad.
I'm not bad. I do bad things sometimes. Porn is one of those bad things. It's the one I need to stop most of all.
I need to review my strategies, and my recovery methods to date and decide how they've been working. I also need to expand my recovery palette to include some more options. I think I need a voice contact. someone with a similar situation to mine that I can call.
I wish I wasn't a computer guy today. Because I don't really feel like sitting in my office all day working on computers after slipping. Oh well, I can make it through the day.
Just today I will not use porn, I will not ogle, I will not masturbate, I will not fantasize.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Mar 8, 2007 7:30:40 GMT -5
I know I CAN do this. I know I WANT to do this. I WILL do it, but it's going to suck.
Time to kill off the little stash I built yesterday as well as the link and stolen password to the site. I really don't want to. But I will.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Mar 8, 2007 7:32:44 GMT -5
More Day 1
Ok, killed off the mini-stash from yesterday.
Time to make breakfast so I can get to work and struggle all day to stay sober.
Discouraged, but still here...
Tim
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Post by somedude on Mar 8, 2007 8:47:32 GMT -5
Well, I'm at work. I'm a little disappointed that I killed off my stash before I got to see it all again. There was a little rush when I got to this computer this morning. Then I felt a let down - no porn.
So today, aside from a TON of work to do, I need to spend some time analyzing the details of the before, during, and after slip.
I will do that as the day progresses.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Mar 8, 2007 9:54:19 GMT -5
Before the slip.
I was feeling stressed. Both at work and at home there was/is a lot of stress.
I was feeling triggered. I let my guard down just a bit and started using a few sites that have triggering banners. I did learn how to block all banners on those sites with FireFox, which is cool, but the banners were already inside my head.
I had a lot of little flashes of images inside my head, just at the edge of my mind. OK, it was more like a constant barrage of images floating just on the peripheral of my mind. Like catching a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye. This was quite triggering at times.
I had high anxiety. Probably due to the massive pressure from the addict.
I was mildly depressed. I was getting over being sick, getting over a massively stressful work issue, and facing - once again - financial failure at home. All of these factors added up to my being tired. That became depressed.
Yesterday, immediately preceding the slip, I was very anxious. Very stressed. Very disconnected from recovery. Obviously prone to slip. But I did nothing about it. I told myself I didn't have time to waste on the board working on recovery.
Apparently I had plenty of time to figure out how to get at some porn.
I see the pattern. I see how I started to slide into the slip. But I don't see how to prevent it.
That's where I need to put some focus.
Action Item 1 - Prepare better for the massive pressure/slow slide to slip kind of slip.
OK, I have to reboot this machine, so that's all for now.
Tim
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Post by 2bfree on Mar 8, 2007 10:21:50 GMT -5
Brother. Sorry to hear about your struggles. I too struggle in long term sobriety, but I know if I stay focused I can make it.
You are worth it. The addiction will NEVER go away. But you can turn your back to it!
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Post by JohnG on Mar 8, 2007 10:43:16 GMT -5
Somedude,
There is nothing to do but just get back to it. Try to learn from mistakes. Don't make them again. Make any necesary changes in your recovery plan.
I know you know all this. I honestly don't know what to say because I have read enough of your posts to know that you know what is what. Just know that you have my support and that you if there is anything I can do to help, just ask.
FS had a slip exercise - sort of a post-mortem to examine what happened. It is in his journal if you are interested.
Your friend always,
JohnG
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Post by somedude on Mar 8, 2007 13:07:26 GMT -5
2b and JohnG, Thanks for your support. I'm fine, my life is back to the pre-slip recovery mode I was in - I just have a new day count . I have more analysis to do, though. During the Slip During the slip I felt an intense high followed by a quiet calm, a warm feeling in my head, my heart raced, I felt anxiety melt away for a few minutes. But the anxiety came back - I was doing something against my own values. The quiet calm melted away, and disappointment set in. It was good - for like 3 minutes. Then it was all the same ho-hum bull(expletive) as always. In the end, getting the video clips and watching them was just another stresser to juggle along with all my other work. Easy to walk away from that. My progress has been good. You know, each time I've tried to recover I've had a slip somewhere in the 60 to 100 day area. Wonder why? Clearly I have to prepare for it better. Like I said, I think I need another addict to talk to via phone, or even face to face. That sucks because I still have to hide porn and recovery from porn from my wife. Tim
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