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Post by MJ on Mar 8, 2007 14:51:43 GMT -5
Hey Tim, Since I've joined this board I've had two slips. The first one occurred at day 87. They say that the 3-month mark is hard. When I had my first slip I got right back up and contiued fighting and made it to four months and a week. Then I slipped again. Since then I've gotten back up, but it's been much harder for me to continue recovery even though I've maintained my sobriety since the slip. I've since started counseling in addition to my SLAA meetings so I'm hoping that I can be helped a little. Take care, MJ
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Post by somedude on Mar 8, 2007 17:01:33 GMT -5
Thank you MJ I know that you struggle with it all. I do too. I appreciate your support. _____________________________________________________ The good news is I just had my review and I got a 10% raise. So that's good. The bad new is I ran out of time today before I could finish my slip analysis. Tomorrow I'm out of town for work, but I may be able to do the last bit of slip work from there. Tim
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Post by somedude on Mar 12, 2007 9:59:02 GMT -5
I have too much to write about. Things in my life have taken z turn in a different direction.
But first...I'm going to use a double day count. The first day will be a sobriety day count, the second will be a count of the days since I restarted recovery. I need to do this as a reminder that recovery is a process, one that restarted for me on Dec. 13 2006.
Day 5/90
I have to finish my slip work by looking at how I felt post slip. Many days have passed since the slip, so it's a bit gray, but one thing I certainly felt then and feel now is awe - awe at the power of this addiction. I am humbled by it's power over me, shocked at the intensity with which it roared back, and fearful that I will not get past the danger of such intensity in the future.
I'm disappointed, certainly, and frustrated by the failure of my urge control and slip prevention system. The failure of all of my recovery work to date to save me from acting out is quite shocking. I'm still reeling. This is an area that requires more work.
I don't fell guilty or shameful. I have already gotten past those things. I'm not depressed about it, or anything like that.
I'm more challenged. I'm more respectful of the addiction, and more ready than ever to kick it's ass.
Today I will be sober.
Tim
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Post by JohnG on Mar 12, 2007 10:19:43 GMT -5
Tim,
I wish I was in shape to offer more than simple support. I know you are having a tough time too. I feel too drained to do real analysis and try to help. I trust from your many common-sense posts to me and others in the past that you have what it takes. I hope someday I earn the kindness that you have shown me.
Your friend,
JohnG
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Post by somedude on Mar 12, 2007 11:03:38 GMT -5
John,
Don't give it a thought, just know I'm here. I appreciate your support, and I know you will see better days ahead.
________________________________________________________
So here it goes...my wife is an alcoholic. She told me last night - not that I didn't already know it.
Recently, I have started calling her out on the bull(expletive) she pulls. Drinking and hiding it. Going to the office at (expletive)ed up times, for the flimsiest of reasons. Stuff like that.
Last week I got really pissed because she told me she wanted to go to the office one night, it was late, and so I asked about the necessity of the trip, she admitted it was not necessary, and said that she supposed she could do the work right away the next morning instead. But, then she went. She stayed WAY longer than a person who had to drop some paperwork at the office, and drop off an item at an associate's house.
I called her and broke it down for her over the phone. I told her that I know about her hiding her drinking in the past, and that I don't trust her. I told her I thought all of her after hours trips to work were really about drinking, not working.
I was right. Apparently there is always alcohol in the (expletive)ing fridge at her place of work. She would go there some nights after I got home from work to do some work, and to do some drinking. Then she would drive home. Drive home.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store, but forget to get cat litter. The litter boxes needed cleaning, and since she did not want to watch the movie my son and I were watching, she went to the store to get some.
That's when it got messy. Here is the sequence of events:
1. I noted that she was gone a (expletive)load longer than it would take her to get some litter. So I called her cell. She did not answer. I called it about 6 times. 2. While calling her phone and failing to reach her, I checked to see that her phone was not in the house. It was not. 3. While calling her phone, I (expletive)ing saw her drive past the house and keep going. She does that sometimes if the song on the radio is one she wants to hear. But after 10 minutes she did not arrive home. 4. I called the phone a few more times and finally it was answered. By a clerk at the grocery store. He told me that the phone had been left in the cart. And asked me to come get it from the service counter at my convenience. 5. I actually saw her drive past again, but not come home. 6. I now suspected that she was driving around drinking. A thought which had never occurred to me before. 7. My son and I picked up the phone and when we returned, she was in the driveway getting stuff our of the car. 8. Aside from litter, there was a bag in the car from the store. It had no receipt in it. 9. I handed her phone to her and smelled the booze. I went inside, put the receiptless grocery bag in the kitchen and went out to help bring in the litter. As she went past she could tell I was pissed about something. I told her she smelled and went inside with my litter. 10. Then I went and sat in my chair. She came in crying, and then told me I was right. 11. I asked if I would be pissed if I saw the receipt. She said yes. 12. For the rest of the night, past midnight, we talked. She was drunk, so I did not call her addict speak out all that often. 13. The jist is that she told me that she is an alcoholic. That she had gone to AA many years ago, which I knew, but I didn't know that she had gone to AA for 2 years. I guess I didn't know the extent of her past recovery attempts. 14. She told me she wants to quit, and that she needs my help and support. She told me she didn't want to go to AA. Again, since she was drunk, and since I cannot control her recovery, I just listened. 15. To prevent her from putting me on a pedestal that I do not deserve to be on, I told her that I am a porn addict. I told her that I understand what it is to be an addict, not just from the friend of and son of an alcoholic side, but the actual addict side. 16. The whole thing really, really, REALLY sucked.
I do not want to be married to an addict. I'm afraid. I am not glad it came out. I would rather have these things back in their hole where I don't have to confront them. I do not want to watch her struggle. I don't know if I can stay in this relationship. Only time will tell.
This revelation from my wife about her addiction, plus the newfound respect for the power of my own addiction has made it absolutely clear how much I HAVE to kick this habit. These facts have made it clearer to me that I will succeed, that I will not struggle so much now, that recovery is happening to me.
So now, aside from my own recovery, I need to face her's. I need to support her's. I need to see my actions in our relationship in light of the new details made apparent. How have I enabled her behavior? How can I process this? How can the son of an alcoholic, a son who called out his father and set up his recovery, do it again? Why did I choose her? I have known for a few years at least. How long have I really known? Did I always know? If so, why did I choose her anyway? WTF?
I hurt.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Mar 12, 2007 15:52:19 GMT -5
Still day 5/90. (expletive), that's dorky lookin', why don't I just say Captain's Log, Stardate 5/90? I'll be out of town again, all day tomorrow at another branch, overnight with family, and back to the branch on Wednesday too. My project there is coming to a head and will be over soon. I may have to day trip on Thursday also. I will need the board to help me with the new alcoholism dimension in my life, but my ability to attend to board matters will be lessened. On the up side, I'll be super busy, which will give me a break from worrying about it all. I am sad about my situation, not my own addiction, but that I have my wife's now too. OK, I'm feeling a bit angry about it too. When it rains it pours . Tim
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Post by JohnG on Mar 14, 2007 7:55:27 GMT -5
Somedude,
If I have asked this in the past forgive me. Do you have access to a 12 step program or other organized recovery program? I would also recommend Al Anon for you.
She has to decide what she wants to do but if it were me in your shoes I would lay down absolute limits. You are right that you may have enabled her. Al Anon can help with these questions.
If you need anything at all just ask ok? I will try to follow your journal and offer any help I can.
Your friend always,
JohnG
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Post by somedude on Mar 15, 2007 14:06:45 GMT -5
I have a little time to post today. I've already popped into John's journal. Now it's time to update this space. John, Thank you, my friend. I might need a bit of your AA wisdom in the days to come. My father is an alcoholic with over 20 years of sobriety. I have a very close friend with over 15 years. I've been around the block a bit with alcoholism, but my own wife is quite closer than I was hoping for. I may need to look a a little Al Anon. __________________________________________________ She told me that the one person she wanted to talk to most about her alcoholism is me, but that she couldn't before. We've spoken about it since the big night when she told me. She's told me some things about her consumption, her patterns, her triggers, and the time of day that's hardest for her. She has urges in the late afternoon, and she has promised to call me if she needs to. I've been direct in asking her how she's doing since she announced her intent to stay sober. She and I discuss how she is. Communication is good. I've been gone more that normal due to work, but I'm sure she's been sober since that night. We've established that we will keep no alcohol in the house, and that I could go the rest of my life free of alcohol. I will support her by abstaining myself. I don't give a (expletive) about booze. We have also established the stories we will be relying on in the short to mid term with our families and friends with regard to her not drinking. They're all used to my drinking infrequently, so they won't bat an eyelash about it if I'm not, but my wife will need to provide a story, she was always one to accept a drink at family and social events. I've been using music, really intense and hardcore music, to drown out the sadness that I have. It's been Underoath, Define the Great Line over and over. I need it. I am afraid of the silence, and of stopping. If I keep moving, keep busy, I can choose the amount of time I devote to feeling the things I have to feel about this situation. I can process a little at a time. I can survive and stay sober myself. It's all about survival right now. Man if I break down in this little spare office full of windows that would be bad. Time to step back. My co-workers do not need to see my crying. I will be back at my office tomorrow. So I'll be able to post more normally. I'll even take time to note the current star date Tim
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Post by somedude on Mar 16, 2007 10:35:48 GMT -5
Star Date 9/94 - ok, that's enough of the star date joke Today was supposed to be a sort of normal day at the office, but one of our email servers crapped out, and the backups crapped out too, so I have to perform a 6 step repair and maintenance routine on the message store. 3 or 4 of the steps involve running an operation that could take a minimum of an hour, but up to 3 hours each. So that server is down for pretty much the day. Why am I always in a stressed out state of either preparing and implementing a major change, or fixing some big emergency, or of getting some piece of equipment for someone who is important enough to demand a quick time line, or in some other way behind or under the gun? It's really tiring. But at least I'm busy here so I don't have a chance to be bored and therefore tempted. Plus, I don't have time to be overwhelmed with the whole wife is an alcoholic thing. So I guess I won't be posting like normal today. But I will post some. Tomorrow my wife and son are going to be out, so I will have time to think and to post if necessary. I'm looking forward to it and I'm afraid. Tim
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Post by somedude on Mar 17, 2007 10:50:50 GMT -5
Lat night I had a dream about the woman I wrote about in this journal - the one from my past that I have not let go. I saw here, in the dream, as I imagine she looks now - still so beautiful. We saw each other, and shared a moment's pause between us. I apologized for the awkwardness of our last chance encounter all those years ago, and then she smiled. The dream ended. But I could not help but feel that I had let her go in the dream. The apology acted as a kind of proxy for the many things left unsaid. But as the dream faded, I felt freed of the burden of the years of wondering. Free to completely pursue my course without fear of seeing her by some chance in the future. resolute in my having moved on.
Wonder why I had that dream now?
I have some alone time today, my family is out for most of the day. I need it. I have to process my feelings about her alcoholism and take inventory of my situation. I have to make a few plans for myself. I need to wrap my brain around it, even if it's just a small part of the whole issue.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Mar 19, 2007 8:07:36 GMT -5
Day 97/Sober for 12
I'm fine today. I'll be clean.
I really have nothing to say. I'm planning to do some specific recovery work today. That's it.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Mar 20, 2007 15:49:33 GMT -5
Had a good day so far. No porn. I'll be out of town tomorrow, but I may be able to post.
Finished the Foundation Workshop at Recovery Nation today, well almost, I have the last few exercises in lesson 12 to finish. Will do that this week yet. I need 15 minutes or more of uninterrupted thinking time to finish one of them, which I can't get at work.
Its day 98, sober day 13.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Mar 22, 2007 9:24:51 GMT -5
Today is the 100th day of my recovery! Sadly I have been sober for only 99 of those days due to a single day with a 2 or 3 hour slip. That's ok, I learned from it and I have a greater respect for this addiction and its power as a result. The slip was 15 days ago, so my dual counter is 15/100 today. I'm very happy to be here and be sober. There have been many stressful and disappointing occurrences in the last 100 days that could have driven me back to my drug of choice. Massive stress at work, short term, but highly stressful financial shortfalls, the recent outing of my wife's alcoholism; (expletive) I've been through some unusually difficult stuff lately. Through it all I have increased my power of sobriety, and as I grow into an emotionally stable and balanced person each new stressful thing is easier. If only there could just be a return to more normal levels of stress. I really am tired of constant medium and high level fires to put out at work. I can't change that stuff ATM, but I can change some other things. I can continue to work with my wife on her recovery in an open and honest way. I can continue to foster open communication and conversation with her. I can sit down with my wife, who is much less depressed and crabby, and much more motivated to do things now that she's sober, and work out a way to do our finances so that we can get ahead. We need to learn to run the business of our family so that we can turn a profit. Here's to the next 100 days Tim
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Post by somedude on Mar 26, 2007 9:27:35 GMT -5
Day 104, 19 days sober, 1 day lost to a slip.
I'm having a hard time at work lately staying nice to people who bring me more work. I have too much to do, too many of those things are either emergencies or urgent issues. I'm getting very pissy about it.
So what keeps me here? First off, the owner is a father figure to me, he's an inspiration, and he's bailed me out financially recently. I have a loyalty to him. Then there is the matter of having to pay back my advance in order to buy my freedom. Further, I think I will get an assistant next year, plus the amount of regional travel I have to do is not letting up, which will turn into a company car in the mid term. Plus I just got a 9% raise. I doubt the grass is all that much greener elsewhere right now.
Never the less, I'm crushed with work, and it's not letting up.
My recovery is moving along. So is my wife's.
I will take time this week to work another lesson or two at recovery nation. I'm on the advanced lessons now.
Tim
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Post by somedude on Mar 28, 2007 10:02:01 GMT -5
Day 106, 21 days since only slip, 105 days sober.
It occurred to me that I react a lot. I don't listen and reply, I cut off and react. I think I will try silence as my default response to things. If I train myself to have my first response be silence, then I will be training myself to disengage my mouth, and to engage my brain. Then the things I say will be a thought out response, not an emotionally based reaction.
I have had few urges lately. That's good, but they'll be back. I should be thankful for the break, but vigilant for the return of urges.
Tim
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