william1000
Full Member
I can not do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do.
Posts: 110
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Post by william1000 on Nov 15, 2007 18:46:08 GMT -5
Hi Freshstart, Just a quick comment about looking at porn at work. You should stop this straight away and don't do it ever again. Its so easy for a company to detect this is happening. They could be building a profile against you about how often you do it and how much company time you waste onit. To fire someone for such an offence they need to have conclusive evidence. Imagine if they fired you. What would you do. You are in a small country with limited companies you could work for. You reputation would be shot. Stop disable the internet on your PC if necessary. It would be a disaster if you got caught. There may at this stage even be the thrill of maybe being caught. Its a dangerous tightrope you are on. Now is not a time to lose your job. Please please stop.
Other than that best of luck with your struggle. You have achieved long stretches without P. You need to repeat the patterns that got you that far. Maybe rethink why you first tried to change what were all the good reasons. Congrats on the driving test and for eventually going into the real world
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Post by freshstart on Nov 19, 2007 4:30:08 GMT -5
william,
Thanks for your advice. Unfortunately, i have gotten away with this (to the extent that my company has not said anything) for a year in this job, and two years in my previous job. So it is difficult to convince myself that i can get caught. I know that i could, but i also know that i should not be looking at porn either. Ultimately, something has to change inside me.
It's great to see you doing so well.
Best wishes, FS
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Post by freshstart on Nov 19, 2007 4:31:46 GMT -5
I am addicted to pornography and masturbation. If i make it through today, it will be Day 1 free of pornography and masturbation.
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william1000
Full Member
I can not do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do.
Posts: 110
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Post by william1000 on Nov 19, 2007 18:24:04 GMT -5
Thanks for popping into my journal. I read what you said above about getting caught. I can understand your mindset. I also you know that you know as well as I do that you will eventually get caught. The problem is it may not be today or tomorrow but eventually it will. It will cause so much harm and destruction when it does happen but still you will risk it. Its a crazy sensation, totally illogical but its still what you do. It will have such a destructive effect on your career that you may end up with crap jobs for the rest of your life. Maybe you should look for another job. Somewhere you think you will get caught if you do the same thing (because in most other companies you will get caught - because its easy to catch people if you try) You job is not a help in your attempts to kick this. I hope you get through day 1. You have been in this site for much longer than me, have you really made up your mind to quit or are you going though the motions. If you are just going though the motions if you at least cut back a bit this would be a minor success. If you really want to quit then you need to quit forever starting now. This isn't easy but don't go to rock bottom before you make such a decision. Make it while you still have things to live for. You are loved by your girlfriend, you won't realise how valuable that is until you lose it. You need to learn to love her by giving all this up. She's real all this P and M isn't
I notice you say "If I make it" I think a Psychologist would say thats "preparing to fail" when you say "If". Maybe you should say. "I will" make it though today. Its not just semantics but a state of mind. (This is all very easy for me to say but not so easy to practice for myself - I will probably struggle with all of this for all my life but I have good reasons to succeed and I feel better for it so far (which isn't that long really but its a long time for me))
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Post by freshstart on Nov 28, 2007 13:52:30 GMT -5
William, As ever thanks for your input.
This is absolutely true. I guess this is why they liken addiction to insanity. I am like the mouse that keeps pressing the peddle that gives the electric shock. The actions of an addict defy logic.
I have trouble believing this. I know that sounds arrogant, and in truth, a bit of arrogance is part of my addict mindset, even though i normally "wear the clothes" of modesty.
This is absolutely true. Something simple like having to share an office would be a great assistance.
Thanks. I did, but now i am back at Day 0.
That is a very good question. I think that i failed so many times, i almost don't think it is possible now. So when i feel the urge, i give in because i feel that all of the resistance will inevitably fal away eventually. My thought process is probably along the lines of "why bother with short term battles when i know i am going to lose the long term war".
You are right. Cutting back would be a start at least, but i really need to stop because cutting back is only ever temporary.
This is true
True.
Is it arrogance to say that "I will make it". Given that i often haven't made it, how can i say that i "will" make it.
William, I am very grateful to you for poking at me and asking me probing questions. I really need to figure out what the hell i am doing with my life, and if i am willing to put in the work that is needed to move away from porn.
I will write again tomorrow. In the meantime, congratulations on your own progress.
FS
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william1000
Full Member
I can not do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do.
Posts: 110
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Post by william1000 on Nov 28, 2007 16:41:09 GMT -5
I think you can do it Freshstart. It might take time and two steps forward and one back. Even though you might feel like giving up I think you know that the effort to give up is worth it to you. I think you would like a "Fresh Start" and leave all this behind. I hope you "will" do this
William
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Post by freshstart on Nov 29, 2007 9:13:49 GMT -5
Thanks for your support William.
This is Day 1. With the help of God i can make it to the end of today. I am doing OK so far.
FS
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Post by freshstart on Nov 29, 2007 14:24:09 GMT -5
Well in fact today is Day 0. Yet again.
The only thing i can do now is look at how this happened, and plan so that i will deal with this situation better the next time.
So what landed me here today. Well everything was going great until about 5 pm. I decided i would stay late and get something finished [MISTAKE] I wasn't really in form for work, i felt tired etc. So i wanted something to pass the time. i considered going for a walk but didn't [MISTAKE] Instead i thought i would look at flickr [MISTAKE] I decided i would look at pleasing images, but not porn [MISTAKE] Then i decided that i would change my search settings and remove Flickr's filter..........purely as an experiment to see what would appear on people's profiles if they were not filtered. [MISTAKE] Then i kept looking and looking and looking. I thought of stopping and just coming here and confessing, but i felt too guilty [MISTAKE], so i kept going. I figured, well i have done it now, i should at least get value for it [MISTAKE] Then i looked at other sites, porn sites where i could find video and very explicit pictures of gay porn. [MISTAKE] Then i stopped and cleared my history, and felt $hitty about falling again, and not even making it to Day 1. I thought about coming here, but i was too embarrassed [MISTAKE]. Then i started up the browser again, and looked at some more porn. Then i turned it off and came here [First correct thing i did since 5 pm]
So what do i need to change. - I should NEVER stay late. If i have to finish something, i should bring it home. It is a safer environment at home. - Anything (including going for a walk) is a better idea than looking at porn. - I should never look at flickr unless i am using it for a specific work project. - There is no such thing as "pleasing images" that are not porn. If i am looking at them for titilation then they are porn. It doesn't matter what they show, if they are even vaguely sexual, then they are porn. In addition, they are a way of sliding into porn, when i am unwilling to jump straight there. - There is nothing clever or experimental about changing the safety settings on flickr. It is alway stupid. It always leads to porn. - Coming here is always better than looking at, or continuing to look at porn. The only value i can get from a slip, is to learn a lessson. Looking at loads of porn as opposed to just a few pictures is making a bad situation worse. It is like getting run down by a lorry in order to get value for being hit by a car. - I should never be too embarrased to come here. Everybody here is an addict. They understand. When they push me they just want to help. They do not sit in judgement, or gloat on my lapses.
FS
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Post by freshstart on Nov 30, 2007 12:22:32 GMT -5
In the pursuit of honesty at least to myself: When i went home last night, my g/f was out. I had an urge to look at P, but decided not to. But i wanted something. I wanted the drug in some form. So i stuck a grape up my ass. Odd, yes. Sexually fulfilling? No. But it was just to do something, anything. So of course this ended up with masturbation.
i am not proud of this (obviously), but it is very important that i am ruthlessly honest here on this board.
Today i am clean of Porn. This is Day 1. I know i will make it to the end of today. I sent an application for a new job today. I am quite happy in my present job, but my boss is eager to see my career progress (she is one in a million), and has advised that I should look at higher placed jobs.
Thank you God for this clean Day. I have my driving test on Monday. This will be a very stressful weekend.
FS
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william1000
Full Member
I can not do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do.
Posts: 110
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Post by william1000 on Dec 3, 2007 16:25:20 GMT -5
Hi Freshstart, How did the driving test go? About the grape. Thats fine as long as you didn't eat it (or at least washed it thoroughly first!). It was honest of you to mention it, this is good as I think you realise that it didn't make sense to you either. This is a good list below. I would replace all the shoulds with wills. This seems to be a tough struggle for you. I sense the force within you to change grows strong Obi Wan. Maybe you should try to improve week by week. Can you make this week better than last week? I believe you can.
So what do i need to change. - I should NEVER stay late. If i have to finish something, i should bring it home. It is a safer environment at home. - Anything (including going for a walk) is a better idea than looking at porn. - I should never look at flickr unless i am using it for a specific work project. - There is no such thing as "pleasing images" that are not porn. If i am looking at them for titilation then they are porn. It doesn't matter what they show, if they are even vaguely sexual, then they are porn. In addition, they are a way of sliding into porn, when i am unwilling to jump straight there. - There is nothing clever or experimental about changing the safety settings on flickr. It is alway stupid. It always leads to porn. - Coming here is always better than looking at, or continuing to look at porn. The only value i can get from a slip, is to learn a lessson. Looking at loads of porn as opposed to just a few pictures is making a bad situation worse. It is like getting run down by a lorry in order to get value for being hit by a car. - I should never be too embarrased to come here. Everybody here is an addict. They understand. When they push me they just want to help. They do not sit in judgement, or gloat on my lapses.
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Post by freshstart on Dec 5, 2007 8:59:52 GMT -5
Passed it. I prayed before, during and after it. During it, i just kept saying "God take care of me". I figured that if i didn't pass, it wouldn't be the end of the world, and that helped to take the pressure off. But more than anything, i felt that God would look after me, and that if it was best for me to get it, He would help with that. So the conditions were perfect, not much traffic, no awkward situations etc. All went well.
This has been hanging over me for so long. I can't believe that it is finished.
Lol!
It is amazing to me how dishonest i can be even on an anonymous online board.
I was good all weekend, and on Monday. But yesterday i looked at pornography again, and i masturbated yesterday.
William, you asked me before was i just going through the motions. I wonder about that now. This is evidence that i am. I will get serious about this. One step at a time.
Thanks for your support.
FS
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william1000
Full Member
I can not do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do.
Posts: 110
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Post by william1000 on Dec 6, 2007 16:15:03 GMT -5
Congrats on the driving test. This is a very positive achievement. You were good all weekend and on monday. Why was that. You were obviously doing something right then. What happened on Tuesday. Could it have been avoided. Did you learn something?
When you were learning to drive, you made alot of mistakes, through teaching and practice you ironed out each one of these mistakes. This is why you passed. Here you are sitting a much more difficult test. You can learn from your mistakes and improve. 4 out of 7 days a week free is better than 0 out of 7. I look forward to reading about another good weekend next week and surpassing 4 out of 7(perhaps even 7 out of 7 for a stretch target!)
Be careful driving as well. You can be overconfident when you pass. Kind Regards
William
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Post by freshstart on Dec 11, 2007 4:19:00 GMT -5
Thanks. It is a big weight off my mind.
A big part is that i was not at work, and i did not have ready access to porn. Working in an office on my own, with a computer and high-speed internet access, is a bit like a bar-man trying to give up alcohol.
I don't know if i have learned anything.
I wanted to bottle it, and just give up, but i had no option. I HAD to sit the test.
This is true.
Well i had a partially good weekend. I was on my own all weekend, which is normally risky, but i didn't look at any porn. However i did masturbate on Sunday morning. I looked at porn again yesterday.
This is very true.
As ever, thanks for your support William.
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Post by freshstart on Dec 11, 2007 4:22:59 GMT -5
Are there five simple steps i can take today to stay clean from porn. One clean workday would be a huge achievement for me right now.
1. Leave my door open all day. This includes phone calls. For phone calls it must be at least ajar. I must sit on the wrong side of my desk to emphasise the temporary nature of the situation, and then open it fully when i am finished.
2. Break the day down into 40 minute segments. Record all of these in my diary.
3. If i feel tempted, write it down (the thought). If i feel more tempted, close the door and write here.
4. Take lunch outside of my office. If i need to spend lunch on the internet, time it and limit it. (I need to search for Christmas presents for my girlfriend.).
5. Leave on time.
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Post by freshstart on Dec 11, 2007 12:40:01 GMT -5
Well i am clean for today. This may seem small, but it is a big achievement for me. This is the first day in a long time, where i have been at work, had the opportunity to porn, but didn't.
I did this.
I did this.
I didn't do this.
I did this.
I am 25 minutes late leaving.
Not too bad, but i need to equally apply them tomorrow. One single day clean is a lot to be happy about. It is something worth achieving, and it is something i will strive for tomorrow.
One additional good habit, is to write here first thing in the morning, NO MATTER HOW BUSY I AM.
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