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Post by freshstart on Nov 5, 2007 13:03:22 GMT -5
I am addicted to Pornography and masturbation. In any interaction i have with porn, it is always the master. I am always the slave. I always manage to convince myself that it will be different this time. But it is never different. The minute i indulge thoughts about porn and act on even the most "innocent" impulse, i am gone. I am in porn's grip and i do not emerge until it is finished with me. Until it has squeezed me to a pulp yet again.
I have never regretted ignoring my addictive impulses. I have never regretted deciding not to act on them.
I cannot recall a single incident where, afterwards, i have been happy that i gave in and used porn or masturbated.
But yet, here is the crazy thing, when the mist sets in, i am completely unable to recall any of this. I have an automatic reaction that porn will make everything good. My most ppowerful association is between porn and pleasure. This is amazing considering that it makes me so miserable. This is how i know that i am an addict and that my impulses with porn cannot be trusted.
At the weekend i tried to have sex with my girlfriend, but i couldn't sustain an erection. This is a direct result of my porn and masturbation habit. But yet, this afternoon, i had an instinct that it would be great to look up some innocent porn associated words (these innocent words always lead to me looking up porn). My single greatest worry, the thing that makes me most anxious is that i will not be able to perform with my girlfriend, and yet my instincts tell me to do the very thing that guarantee i will not be able to have sex. Insanity.
My driving test is approaching. I was called six months ago, an entire weekend when i should have been practising, i looked at porn. I was so miserable when the spell eventually broke. I wanted to cry. I decided to start over and work really hard at staying sober. It didn't last long. The waste of that valuable time and the porn hangover meant that i had to cancel my driving test and reapply. Soon i will not be able to drive if i do not get this test, yet my instincts tell me it would be a great idea to waste loads of time looking at porn. I have lost control of my life.
When i was doing my PhD, I was in the lab late one night. I had been working on an assay all day. Towards the end, i had an incubation step for 10 minutes. I decided to check my e-mail while i waited. A few hours later, after looking at porn on a common-use work computer, i realised my assay was a mess, and i would have to start again.
I couldn't face it, so i looked at some more porn for comfort. When i eventually stopped, i was ready to cry. I called my girlfriend and told her that things had gone badly in the lab and i had messed up my assay (i didn't tell her that it was all my fault for looking up porn). She was very supportive and helpful. She was comforting. You would think i would learn that porn had not been comforting as i had hoped but that a real human being was comforting. But no. In times of stress, my instinct is still to turn to porn for comfort.
After that incident, i am sure that i attempted to give up porn again. It didn't work.
I have come to realise that i am powerless over my addiction. That my life has become unmanageable.
I am powerless over my addiction. The more i resist, the harder it gets, and eventually i always give in.
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Post by freshstart on Nov 8, 2007 15:31:21 GMT -5
I am addicted to pornography and masturbation. Whenever i give it the slightest bit of space in my life, it takes over my life. It does not respect me. I am not in control of it. Whenever i have any interaction at all with it, i am in its control.
In a way i feel hopeless. I have "fought" this addiction for two years now, and I am no further on than when i started. In truth i am probably worse off because i now have my own office at work, so there is no externally imposed limit on my porn use. Also, i have discovered websites where i can get all the porn i want (is there such a thing) for free. I often kid myself that i still have some level of control because i have never paid for porn. But it is just that i have never paid money for online porn. In fact i have paid to use a booth in an adult store, and i have bought masturbation paraphenalia. On a broader sense i have paid for this with all the wasted time, with delays in finishing my PhD, with delays in completing tasks at work, which in the long term will cost me promotion and therefore money. All of this is money foregone because of porn. On a much broader level, i have paid for my habit in terms of wasted life, disastrous sex life, hurting my girlfriend, being msierable and out of control.
But still i proceed.
Yesterday, despite all of what i have written in the last few days, i decided it would be a great idea to look at some soft porn. I didn't think about the consequences too deeply, but at some level, i felt it would be no big deal. WRONG. I will never learn. I wasted hours yesterday on porn, and then i wasted more time today. Once i had let it in, it had a hold on me. I also wasted time fantasising today. It didn't end until i masturbated. But even when i was thinking about writing here, i really wanted to look at porn.
Of course, as usual after binging, i feel rotten. I realise that i am out of control. I realise that i am powerless over my addiction. But will i do anything about it. Can i do anything about it?
I don't know. Maybe that is the thing. I don't really understand how to give up my will to the will of God. But i am starting. From where i am, i can only start.
Tonight i will read some step1
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Post by freshstart on Nov 8, 2007 16:01:35 GMT -5
from 12step.org
Step 1 - I admit that I am powerless over my addiction and that my life has become unmanageable
• Have you seriously damaged your relationships with other people because of your addictive behaviors? If so, list the relationships and how you damaged them. • If other people have told you how you how your have hurt them, then write down what they said. • Describe any missed appointments that resulted from your addictive behaviors. • Describe any memory lapses where you cannot account for where you were. • Describe any times that you cannot recall how you got home. • Describe times and ways that you have significantly neglected or damaged relationships with your loved ones in order to indulge in your addictive behaviors or because you were recovering from your addictive behaviors. • Describe any illnesses that have resulted from your addictive behaviors. • If your addictive behavior contributed to excessive spending, describe the situations and why you did it. • Describe times that you have withdrawn from social interaction and isolated yourself to an extreme degree and why. • Describe incidents where you expressed inappropriate anger towards other people. • Describe embarrassing or humiliating incidents in your life. Were they related to your addictive behaviors? If so, how were they related? • Describe attempts that you have made in the past to control your addictive behaviors.How successful have they been? Do these attempts show the powerlessness that you have over your addictive behaviors? • Do you feel any remorse from the ways that you have acted in your life? If so, explain that in detail. • Describe any irrational or crazy set of events that have happened since you began you addictive behavior. Did you rationalize this behavior? If so, in what way? • Have you avoided people because they did not share in or approve of your addictive behavior? If so, list these people and situations. • Describe any dreams that you have had that exhibit the unmanageability or chaos of your life. • Can you pinpoint one time period in your life when your life began to become extremely unmanageable? If so, describe that period of time and what was happening. • Is there one incident or insight that made you realize that your life was unmanageable? If so, describe it in detail.
• How would you summarize the powerlessness and unmanageability of your life in the face of your addiction?
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Post by freshstart on Nov 13, 2007 4:25:06 GMT -5
Step 1 - I admit that I am powerless over my addiction and that my life has become unmanageable
• Have you seriously damaged your relationships with other people because of your addictive behaviors? If so, list the relationships and how you damaged them.
Yes. - I have seriously damaged my relationship with my girlfriend because of my addiction to porn and masturbation. This addiction has destroyed our sex life. I think that we would be married or engaged now if it were not for this addiction. All the time in the background, it threatens to end our relationship. It is terrible because in other ways our relationship feels almost perfect. But this addiction has robbed it of sexuality. We are in danger of just bcoming really good friends. In addition, the addiction has taken up loads of time, when we could have been enjoying each others company.
- Due to the addiction, I didn't have time to spend with my friends. This has undoubtadly damaged my relationships with them. One friend in particular could have really done with some company, and in that respect i let him down. I don't see much of him now, and i don't really hear from him.
- I think that the addiction has probably damaged all of my relationships on a subtle level. It changes the person I am, it makes me more reclusive. It makes me depressed and more judgemental. All fo these has probably had a negative effect on my relationships with friends and family, and maybe even a lot of friendships that i never had, were aborted because i did not have time due to my addiction.
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Post by freshstart on Nov 13, 2007 5:15:36 GMT -5
If other people have told you how you how your have hurt them, then write down what they said.
My girlfriend has told me that our barren sex life hurts her. She feels rejected. She fears for the future and where our relationship is going. She doesn't say this, but i think she probably wonders what has she done, commiting herself to me, when she could be in a fully functional relationship with someone else. I know that our barren sex life is one of the major worries in her life. She really wants to have children. Our poor sex life would preclude that at the moment. All of this causes her a great deal of pain.
But she does not know about my addiction. I cannot imagine the level of hurt she would feel if she did know.
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Post by freshstart on Nov 13, 2007 5:20:54 GMT -5
• Describe any missed appointments that resulted from your addictive behaviors.
A few that jump to mind straight away are - I had to cancel my driving test because i spent a whole weekend looking at porn when i should have been practising. - I was supposed to go home one friday evening. Instead i stayed in work looking at porn and told myself i would go home on Saturday morning. I messed up my experiments due to the porn, and had to go to work on Saturday morning, so i only left for home on saturday afternoon. - When i was moving house, i was supposed to leave on Friday evening. The time kept getting put forward as i was looking at porn. Eventually i left on Sunday evening.
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Post by freshstart on Nov 13, 2007 12:49:23 GMT -5
• Describe any memory lapses where you cannot account for where you were.
• Describe any times that you cannot recall how you got home.
These do not apply to me. I think they are more intended for alcoholics
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Post by freshstart on Nov 13, 2007 12:54:14 GMT -5
• Describe times and ways that you have significantly neglected or damaged relationships with your loved ones in order to indulge in your addictive behaviors or because you were recovering from your addictive behaviors.
One that jumps to mind is when my girlfriend's best friend and her boyfriend visited for a weekend. They arrived on the Saturday, but i had to work on my PhD so i could not be there to meet them. My g/f was very supportive of my PhD, so she understood. I did go into the office with the intention of working, but i ended up using most of the day to look at porn. She had a very tough day, and could really have done with my help. But i wasn't around. I neglected her that day for porn.
I neglected my parents when i wasted time looking at porn, and only went home to visit on Saturday afternoon, as opposed to Friday evening.
One evening my girlfriend was out, and i spent the evening looking at porn. After a tough day, she had to come home and make dinner, as i hadn't even started, because i had been so busy with porn.
There are loads of examples where i left my girlfriend on her own in our apartment, while i was looking at porn at work. I always intended to work, but i was so weak.
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Post by freshstart on Nov 14, 2007 13:20:37 GMT -5
• Describe any illnesses that have resulted from your addictive behaviors. The most obvious ones here are - inability to orgasm during sex. - erectile dysfunction - a fear of sex
It started with the first, and anxiety about that led to the second. Then anxiety about the first two led to the third. When i have been free of porn for any appreciable length of time, it has improved significantly.
This is a terrible problem for me. It holds me back in so many ways. It affects my self confidence and self esteem. It makes me feel like $hit. But the amazing thing is that i still continue to do the one thing that i know will make it worse.
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Post by freshstart on Nov 14, 2007 13:25:55 GMT -5
• If your addictive behavior contributed to excessive spending, describe the situations and why you did it. No.
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william1000
Full Member
I can not do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do.
Posts: 110
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Post by william1000 on Nov 14, 2007 19:01:24 GMT -5
Hi Freshstart, You seem to be struggling badly. From what I read here you have potential to have a great life. You seem to have a great girlfriend. Don't throw that away because you might if you don't get back on track. You want to give up but are weak at times. We are all like this. There is temptation everywhere. You have to stop the cycle now today. You need to change your life. I didn't read all your journal but I think you are/were doing a PHD. Sometimes people doing PHDs let them drag on and on as if they are afraid of real life and it prevents them having to get a real job and settle down.
Its easier said than done but draw a line in the sand. Today is the first day of your life. No more Porn. Put your energy into your relationship. Get hobbies, Do charity work, Do things for other people (for no return to yourself). Finish your PHD, get a job, get a better job, apply again for the driving test (you know the length of the waiting lists), build a life, get away from all of this. Fight fight fight and don't give up, don't quit, make a permanent change. Look at what you will gain if you do this. Its not easy but it is worth it. Only you can solve yourself but you can do it. I wish you the best of luck. I hope you can do it.
PS I'm not trying to upset you but trying to push you to succeed. It just when I hear someone with such a good partner, thats so hard to find and so crazy to lose, you may not find it again.
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Post by freshstart on Nov 15, 2007 14:18:27 GMT -5
HI william, Thanks very much for taking the time to write to me. I have finished my PhD, and my driving test is in two weeks, so i am moving on with certain things. My history is that i came to this site two years ago, and went 90 days sober. Then i fell, and i have found it very difficult to regain sobriety since then. One month, two weeks, a few days. It is very frustrating. I have started to look at 12-steps programme. As part of it, you have to give up the pretence of control and let a higher power make the decisions in your life. It sounds very Holy-Joe, and when i started i would never have thought of following it, but i have come to the realisation that i cannot beat this by will power, and i cannot beat it on my own.
What you see in my diary is some work i am doing on the first step. Although what i am writing seems very stark, i actually feel like i am getting somewhere, and i am not nearly so hopeless as i may sound.
But thanks for your encouragement. It is always good to be reminded of some things that should be obvious, but that i tend to forget.
Such as this. It is impossible for me to imagine losing my girlfriend, but if i keep on this way, it is inevitable.
FS
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Post by freshstart on Nov 15, 2007 14:23:07 GMT -5
• Describe times that you have withdrawn from social interaction and isolated yourself to an extreme degree and why.
In general i crave social interaction, but there are two times in my life when i cut myself off. When i was in final year of my undergrad and when i was writing my PhD thesis. during both of those years, i thought that i didn'thave time for things other than study etc. But it rebounded on me. In fact i got depressed and did less study, not more. When i was writing up my PhD, i would say i could have spent one quarter of the time looking at porn. When i think about that, does that mean that i could have written up in 7 months, not nine?
I get very depressed when i am isolated. I really really need social interaction. Sometimes i do not want to go outside my safety net though. Sometimes i feel that when i am with friends, i lose control, and i have to go along with other people's ideas. When i am on my own, i am in complete control. How ironic. When i am on my own, i am often in control of porn. With friends, i can influence things, with porn i have no influence.
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Post by freshstart on Nov 15, 2007 14:30:59 GMT -5
• Describe incidents where you expressed inappropriate anger towards other people.
I often lose my temper with my mother. I am not sure why. I think part of it is that she lets me. Both of my parents have short tempers, which led to a lot of arguments when we were growing up. All of my siblings behave similarly towards her, and she is so used to it, that she never tells us it is out of order. [obviously i have never hit her or anything, i am just talking about verbals].
But i can only change myself, not her reaction to me. It is wrong for me to treat her like that. It is extremely disrespectful.
A lot of the time when i snap at her, it may be because she is portraying me in a way that i don't want to be portrayed. She does this in the questions she asks or the things she says. A lot of this is around the way that she sometimes portrays me as not being masculine. I don't think this is deliberate, and i think that i am overly sensitive about this, but that is probably the background to a lot of it.
I need to rise above that. I won't get my sense of manliness from others, i will get it from myself.
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Post by freshstart on Nov 15, 2007 14:41:14 GMT -5
• Describe embarrassing or humiliating incidents in your life. Were they related to your addictive behaviors? If so, how were they related?
This will be a long one, and i will probably have to come back to it a few times.
1. This week, i was looking at porn on the internet at work. A secretary walked straight into my office without knocking, and i think she saw it. I am not sure. She is quite nosey, and likes to gossip, so if she did, she won't wait too long to tell people. I have also noticed that since that incident, she often walks in without knocking. I think that she is trying to catch me again. It is indescribable how embarrased i would be if i was caught looking at gay porn at work. I think i may have been. The fact that i looked at porn, at work, since that incident just shows how badly addicted i am.
I will make a list now, and come back to the others again. - Tree jumping when young - pube checking with D - attic with E - MB at exam time - caught - P at work - caught by friend - Almost caught by D - Maybe caught by A - Maybe caught by R - taped by S - music - D - all girls (socks) - Dress - diana - effeminate -MC - K - blank - K - gay - S - gay
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