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Post by JohnG on Feb 11, 2007 18:45:34 GMT -5
BC,
I have to get to bed but I just wanted to say I know how hard that was to do. That was an important step I think. For me it is easier to combat this thing when more people know about it, and exactly what it is for me.
Stay safe just for the next 24 hours, ok?
Your friend always,
JohnG
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Post by blueclouds on Feb 12, 2007 18:41:23 GMT -5
I was riding home from work on my scooter this evening, about 8 o'clock on a dark country road. I caught myself fantasizing about... nope, not women -- finding a load of money in the street and stuffing it in my pocket. In my mind, it grew slowly from a few hundred to more like 25,000 euros. I even set up a story in which I would return the money to anyone who could guess the exact amount, but of course no one would be able to. Suddenly the spell broke. I woke up and realized, Hey, this is like a nicotine patch.
Later down the road I caught myself again, this time picturing a scene for a P movie. I imagined all the early innuendo, everyone still dressed and so on. Then I stopped it cold as soon as the characters started groping at each other.
But apart from those two strange episodes, I had a fairly clean day. Got a few things done (went to a physiotherapist appointment, met up with the electrician to get a problem fixed, made it through my classes without any images assailing me). Didn't have much lingering time. Actually, I'm learning (after a six month relapse, it's about time) that this kind of sober day doesn't count for much. If you're just too busy to get tempted, it'll help you rack up days, but it doesn't necessarily contribute anything to your recovery. We have to do work too. Read and write. Think. Talk. Making a whirlwind of your daily life might keep you off the computer and so P-free, but it won't diminish the addict or his hold.
I am surviving day to day but I do sense a timebomb in me: relapse is always on my heels. What a mistake to try to build a fortress and hide inside it! What a mistake to make a stand (joke) against this force! You have to accept it first, acknowledge its reality and strength. I'm addicted to pornography, masturbation, fantasy. It's eating me up and there's no way for me to hold out against it. It's stronger than me, exactly because it's in me, deeper than my own conscious mind. Hell, it IS me!
That's it. I lost the thread. I was "seeing" stuff about how this works in me, but the surface guy came back, saying, "Ssh, it's not that bad, you're just a guy, you're funny, people like you, you live in the land of sensual women, it's your weakness, like the poets, you get smitten by curves and smiles, deal." If only this picture of health was my reality -- a chauvenist idea, but still healthy in a chauvenistic world. If only I was just an incorrigible cad, Don Juan, lover of love. No such luck. I'm a tyrant toddler controlling a man's body. And mind.
Just go to sleep! Get unstuck from the damn computer chair! Ugh. Tiredness is my addict's best friend. Night.
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Post by rockbottom on Feb 13, 2007 4:02:23 GMT -5
Hello blueclouds
Just thought I would have a quick read of your journal. I complete relate to your insight regarding the fact that busy days (when you are overwhelmed with things to do) feel as if they don't contribute anything to recovery. But, perhaps it is important to accept that a day free from Mb or P is one-step in the right direction. Indeed, it could be argued it doesn't address the issue of addiction directly - but will the reasons underlying our addictions ever be fully realised by us? They may, they may not - I don't know the answer to do this. In the meantime - we are fighting this addiction at many levels. At one level the behavioural - things like keeping ourselves busy, avoiding the net, planing etc... Another level would be cognitive - slowly changing our thoughts, trying to understand when and why we act out etc... I am sure there are many levels including spiritual, ethical, social - all inextricably linked, all contributing to our addiction.
I hope you have a clean day.
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Post by blueclouds on Feb 13, 2007 8:49:28 GMT -5
True rockbottom, the addiction runs all the way through us, and yes, a clean day is a great thing, as far as it goes. Thanks for tuning in.
Just a sticky note: Waves don't last forever. Stick them out. The next morning you'll have new strength and a fresh outlook.
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Post by JohnG on Feb 13, 2007 11:19:46 GMT -5
I have had many thoughts like this. Listing in my head all the great men who were womanizers - maybe that is the price of greatness! We all have to have fatal flaw right? The "great man" rationalization JohnG
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Post by blueclouds on Feb 13, 2007 19:23:24 GMT -5
Just caught up with my lessons over at recoverynation.com. Gotta maintain that. It can feel like much, trying to fit in two recovery sites. But I like the structure their plan provides. You are asked specific questions and pointed along specific lines at each step. It is a well-drawn blueprint imposed over my chaotic good intentions. If anyone has room for something more, I recommend it -- especially for those that have no outside help other than this board. You are forced to do work over there (and a "coach" responds), not just write "didn't have too many triggers today" or get into metaphysical debates. Don't get me wrong; this support board has been my lifeline in many ways, but it's certainly possible for an addict (me, e.g.) to get distracted from recovery here, sidetracked, or neutralized. It happened to me before, and I sometimes feel it now. Have to watch out for that. Use the board, don't use on the board. Goin to bed.
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Post by blueclouds on Feb 14, 2007 8:27:38 GMT -5
Just had a close call. I was in the shower, lingering too much -- I'd already finished washing. An image cam up, and instead of stopping it immediately I let the film roll a little. In just seconds, it got dangerously clear, with tidal momentum. I turned off the water, shook my head and "got away."
The really interesting thing about this, the thing I learn from, is how my thought process unfolded. I actually started with fantasies about this board. I remembered some of the more heated arguments that have gone on in here. I focused on several posts I've seen that just made me go, "Where the hell does this guy/gal get off saying that?/! Are they insane!/? Trolls!/?" I just about always resist such debates, but I do read them, and sometimes I get burned by the flames. So I was in the shower, cooking up a "masterful" response to one of these posts, the kind that was so airtight in its logic and so biting in its wit that all opponents would be rendered silent -- (as if). I know such discussions are bottomless abysses, and passionate opinions have a nasty habit of turning into hate and spite; but knowing this doesn't make me immune to them. I desire to be right, to "win," in front of as big an audience as possible. In fact, I often have such fantasies about other situations (unfairness at work, etc.). So anyway, there I was drafting my mortal blow, when my imaginary discussion brought me to a sentence something like this: "Because when we look at P..." and my brain got stuck there. "look at P..." And I remembered a time when I looked at P. I remembered a particular female I used to look at obsessively. I remembered a fantasy I used to have obsessively, and tried to insert this female...
Then I woke up, shook myself off. But it is just such an eye-opener what the door into that near slip was.
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Post by JohnG on Feb 14, 2007 9:11:18 GMT -5
I remembered some of the more heated arguments that have gone on in here. I focused on several posts I've seen that just made me go, "Where the hell does this guy/gal get off saying that?/! Are they insane!/? Trolls!/?" I just about always resist such debates, but I do read them, and sometimes I get burned by the flames. So I was in the shower, cooking up a "masterful" response to one of these posts, the kind that was so airtight in its logic and so biting in its wit that all opponents would be rendered silent -- For a moment I thought I was reading one of my own posts... I don't know what to say about where this went - just that as they say in AA, this thing is "cunning, baffling, powerful." I think what makes it possible to consistently win in these situations is the work we are doing. Just for today. JohnG
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Post by blueclouds on Feb 14, 2007 18:38:53 GMT -5
I see the connection between the daydreams of winning a flame war and acting out in several terms. First, it is the overall rush I get. It's a thrill, and it's very much physiological in both cases. Also, it's escaping, fantasizing, replacing reality with unhealthy, ego-based dreams. Finally, the themes of the fantasies are similar -- performance, triumph, pleasure, a larger-than-life moment. Just like my weird "money in a brown paper bag" fantasy from my post a few days ago. Though I am not addicted to fantasies of finding money or winning arguments, there are so many similarities to how I fantasize about porn.
That reminds me: I visisted a casino last summer, played $20 and ended up with $150. I got up to 180$ and set $150 as my cut-off point. All fun and games, a family outing... but I felt the addict stirring. Other addictive things have not taken hold over me, despite long exposure. But half an hour in a casino was enough to get my eyes glassy. Definitely need to keep it on my red alert list.
Today I gave my SO some chocolates for Valentine's Day. We watched a fun movie with Benicio del Toro. She made some great food (neither of us are big cooks). I felt good about the evening, despite its banality.
Recovery-wise, I see something I don't like. I find myself getting anxious over when the coaches over at recoverynation.com are going to respond to my next posted lesson. That's not supposed to be the reason I'm doing that work. It feels good to post on the Internet and get responses, especially positive ones. But I know my mind -- eventually the responses will not be enough. I'll have the familiar let down (the buzz kill) after reading one, and I'll need to post more to get more responses, and... I can see how my addiction is not just about porn consumption. There are some pretty damn deeply ingrained habbit patterns that play themselves out every chance they get, regardless of the subject matter at hand.
My addict is thirsty and is trying to convince me he'll die of thirst if I don't give him a drink soon. So why don't I just let him die? Ah...he's in parts of me I don't want to lose. It's like gangrene.
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Post by freshstart on Feb 15, 2007 4:36:59 GMT -5
Hey Blueclouds your posts are incredibly honest, and an inspiration for us all.
Its like you have just described my mindset. I oscillate between very low self-esteem, and huge ego building. In particular, i am confident in my debating abilities, and i indulge my ego by engaging in debates. No amount of debating will get me out of the mess i am in now though.
Best wishes, Fs
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Post by JohnG on Feb 15, 2007 5:32:46 GMT -5
Me too. As I have already said I am exactly like that. It is something that is very hard for me to control - half the time I am not sure of my own motives. Am I even capable of selfless acts? Are ALL my posts about ego building? God I hope not but sometimes I wonder.
JohnG
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Post by blueclouds on Feb 16, 2007 4:24:23 GMT -5
Am I even capable of selfless acts? Are ALL my posts about ego building? Hey Freshstart and JohnG, very grateful for the support. The way I see it, even asking such questions shows an awareness of the issue most don't have, addicts or not. And maybe it's just as dangerous for minds like ours to get hyperaware of this and other things. I think it's enough just to be awake to the fact without obsessing over it. You'll feel the honesty or lack thereof in your words. One good exercise is going back and reading your own posts from a month back or more. With fresh eyes, it'll be easier to tell at what level of sincerity you were operating at the time. Sometimes I read things I've written in the past and cringe. Other times I say to myself, "Exactly. Now why do I seem to have forgotten that?" Anyhow, for me at least, it's best not to make this a significant recovery point just now -- got no time for labyrinths ("Am I being sincere? Am I even being sincere when I ask if I'm being sincere? And am I being sincere when I ask if I'm being sincere when I ask if I'm being sincere?"), and getting lost in one will deprive me of the focus I need for the simple things, the fundamentals. I have noticed some of what I think is called "stinkin thinkin" in the background recently. Stuff like: "There are so many roads I never went down during my P use. I never subscribed to a site. If I had, I could have had my fill of this or that individual, this or that specialty. I never saw anything live, and I never watched anything with sound. Think of all the things you're missing! All the thrills you've never had! All the heights you could soar to!" No, no, no, it's all the depths you could sink to. That's the addict talking, but who am I if I'm not that addict? Honestly, it feels like I'm suppressing myself when I fight these thoughts. Isn't it supposed to be bad to suppress yourself? These are waves. This is long, hard habit rebelling against change. This is my little toddler junkie inside twisting in agony, demanding a fix. I experience these things and I ask myself, is this normal in recovery? Am I not doing enough work? Will I ever be able to last more than a few months without a face-to-face meeting? (I'm in smalltown Spain, and there are none anywhere near me). But even this is the wrong kind of thinking. One day at a time, or so I'm told. God that makes a lot of sense. But the anxiety to be cured once and for all is great, and the idea that that isn't possible is excruciating. I'm sort of procrastinating right now, as good as it is for me to keep this journal. The morning has only so many hours in it, and I'm pushing the limits of the time left vs. the things I have to get done. I'll make it through today.
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Post by blueclouds on Feb 16, 2007 16:38:17 GMT -5
It's pizza night so I'm happy.
But not everything's good news. I got snappy with my SO today, seemingly for no reason at all. It was a mood. I used to think I was immune to such things. I'm starting to think maybe I have these mood swings a whole lot, but just never admitted it before. Perhaps it's a withdrawal symptom. The discussion was over whether or not we should do a few things that have to do with the house, and in what order. Her best course of action was different from mine, and I got impatient, grouchy. She's got what they call in Spanish saintly patience to deal with me.
But I got over it soon enough. And here's the best part: I was aware of it while it was happening. I didn't have the usual thought that somehow my attitude was justified because her failure to understand my point of view was frustrating. I realized I had gotten into a mood all by myself, and was snappy because of some unaccounted for inner tension. I think this realization is also what helped me cool off more quickly.
Today I got a few errand-type things done, one of which had been haunting me for over a week. But I also suffered a little with the TV today (innuendo, cleavage, etc.). Just now, I have to be especially careful of a particular addict's gambit: "Being sober's not all it's cracked up to be. Dropping porn hasn't solved all my problems. The few small changes I've noticed aren't good enough. I prefer the mind-numbing pleasure of heavy porn use." In the back of my mind, I have been expecting great (and instant) rewards for staying sober. Instead I'm getting daily struggle. Don't let this turn into a justification for the addict to get back in the control room. Just act out once and you'll see immediately how much utter bull(expletive) that is.
Ok, tired and have something pending. Good night.
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Post by blueclouds on Feb 17, 2007 8:27:18 GMT -5
This is gonna be a somewhat long post. I am pasting my fourth step work here just to have on record as part of my recovery journal. This is the resentment section. The name in each section is who I'm resentful at. The second part in each section is why, what it is that made me angry regarding each person. The third part in each section is the "affects my" column, what part of my persona/life each instance of resentment affects.
For those of you who aren't familiar with 12 steps or how this step works, the reasons you write down (2nd column) are supposed to be the real, honest feelings you have. As a result, many of the reasons I list here are things I know are wrong -- for example, that my SO isn't like the P women sexually. But this is a real resentment I have had, even if I was quick to chastise myself for it, so it goes down on paper. Evaluations of motives is a later part of this.
MY RESENTMENT INVENTORY -- THE FOURTH STEP
Mom
Abandoned me; fawns over me; overreacts to anything good I do or say (jokes, accomplishments, etc.); doesn’t take $ hints; didn’t show me fun/funny side of life; wants to control my brother; imposes her morality while pretending relativism
Self esteem, emotional security, personal relations, self-reliance, social veneer, family relations ______________________
Dad
Didn’t show me fun side of life; didn’t show me “guy” things; was often absent emotively and in terms of teaching; loses temper with mom; loses temper when driving; thinks he’s funny; puts on act for SO, others; gets off phone with me quickly, or doesn’t get on;
Social veneer, personal relations, self-concept, fear of turning into him, ability to relate to other men
________________________
SO
Not sexual in P way; doesn’t give oral sex but usually expects it; too nice in bed; nags unfairly about housework; tries to show things in front of others, especially her mom, such as that she’s in control, I’m not Spanish, not clued in, have strange habits, tastes, opinions; can’t settle into any job; too much protocol with others -- doesn’t set limits; rejects my “weird” friends
Sexual relations, personal relations, social veneer, assimilation, my individual reality in Spain (apart from being hers), pride, daily mood
___________________________
SO’s mom
Doesn’t get me; corrects me; forms untrue opinions of me; interrupts me; brings out worst in me; treats SO unfairly, like Cinderella; boasts of good qualities she glaringly lacks (openness, etc.); wants to be our friend; doesn’t get or fulfill mother role; gossips; very unequal in her treatment of kids and judgments of them and their partners; must give me two moist kisses before bed and in the morning; doesn’t cover herself enough around the house
Family relations, personal relations, pride, assimilation, SO’s self-concept and so my relationship with her, pride
_______________________________
Brother
Lots of hang-ups; socially isolated; makes me feel guilty, responsible (not on purpose); talks over people; is apathetic – doesn’t care about/rejects outright anything that doesn’t interest him
Family relations, pride, self-concept, family concept, genetic concept
______________________________
Neighbor
Threatened my dog; threw dirty water on my dog; scolded me for dog’s pee; holds grudge against me; won’t talk to me; pretends everything’s fine in presence of others
Assimilation, daily mood, social veneer
_____________________________
Neighbors
Don’t accept me; stare; think I don’t work; think I’m a bad seed, and my SO is poor victim of horrible foreigner; have low education, attitudes
Assimilation, daily mood, social veneer, self-concept
______________________________
Spain/The Spanish
Don’t get me; only relate, socialize on a limited wavelength I don’t like; superficial; image-conscious; never deep, searching; too skeptical; focus on shrewdness, cheating others; talk only about food, other people (gossip), fashion, tastes, protocol; stuck in past; totally undemocratic in institutions, companies; think they’re superior morally, esthetically; focus on “huevos” (balls, manliness); Franco’s (ex-dictator) spirit still in lots of things
Assimilation, daily mood, self-concept, social veneer, personal relations, pride, life concept, plans for future
_________________________________
Young Spanish males
Feel false; too polished; all outward protocol; very clean, fit; never have weight or skin problems; confident; smiley; fun, funny, socially gifted; arrogant; tan; look down on me because I’m not tan, skinny, smiley, clean-cut, jokey, a dancer; really believe their way is the only way
Self-concept/esteem, social veneer, personal relations, pride, assimilation
___________________________
Some students
Show indifference; don’t participate; don’t offer anything; expect miracles w/out doing work; want all speaking but then grow tired, not advancing but unable to see why – blame me or the class; miss lots of classes; don’t do homework
Professional development, professional satisfaction, assimilation, self-concept, daily mood, pride
______________________________
America/Americans
Give me a bad name; seem basically flawed; don’t want to share the world; don’t see other countries as equals; is not rooted, creates wildness in society and people; teaches rampant individualism; too much dysfunction in homes leads to fractured, screwed up people; doesn’t teach cooperative living, community, or connection
Self-concept, personal relations, social veneer, assimilation, pride
_____________________________
SO’s sister, her boyfriend
Don’t seem to want to know me; dismiss me and my views; shun my ideas, worldview, personality; everything they value is lacking in me, everything they despise or disregard is strong in me; are arrogant; think they know everything about everything and the best way to do or think of anything; always want to be with us to bully us with their presence and conversation for hours and hours in their smoke-filled house
Assimilation, self-concept, family concept, personal relations, pride
_____________________________
Spanish women
Don’t respond to my charms; don’t care if I’m mysterious, interesting; only see my defects; wear very tight clothes, but think this is normal, can’t understand why anyone would stare, lust after them; they tease; they’re superficial, too concerned with being women, feminine; afraid to show intelligence; value things I lack; interfere with my recovery; believe SO shouldn’t be with me (my perception)
Pride, self-concept/esteem, assimilation, personal relations, recovery
________________________________
G.
Was/is "teacher" in our friendship; tells/told me my shortcomings/errors freely but I can’t/couldn’t do the same; hooked up with C. (a "special" ex of mine), then tried to walk tall about it; never admits/admitted weakness; is/was tight-fisted; wants/wanted people in his orbit; faults/faulted SO for being conservative; tries/tried to appeal sexually to all women, including mine; got impatient with me on hiking trip, wanted to march full speed though I was sick; sometimes takes/took condescending attitude with me, like an adult coaxing a child
Personal relations, self-concept/esteem, pride
______________________________
K.
Cheated on me with T. (my best friend at the time), several times; granted and withheld sex, suddenly generous, then suddenly acting hurt, the victim; laughed at my wild emotions; had hooks in me and liked that, tried to continue it as long as possible; had sex with J., told me about it; reduced, desecrated all specialness I wanted to confer on our relationship; toyed with me sexually, emotionally; wanted deep friendship from me, but knew I wanted sex, so left it in the air always, like it was something easy, innocent and dirty at the same time, a Lolita* situation (have had many of those) -- *NOTE: Lolita psychoemotionally, not in terms of age. We were both around 20.
Sex relations, personal relations, pride, recovery
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Post by choselife on Feb 17, 2007 8:43:09 GMT -5
I'm just stopping in to say hello and wish you continued success. I read a good part of your journal, and from what I read, I know that I can learn a lot from you. I appreciate how much of yourself that you share through your entries.
CL
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