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Post by unico on Nov 10, 2007 17:54:07 GMT -5
hi BlueClouds, just a thought on the MB issue. Before I stopped porning I was MB daily. Since I have stopped using porn I MB every couple of weeks or so. It's really not an issue for me. IMO the behaviour to tackle is the porning. When you stop and stay stopped, your self-esteem can only improve as you realise you are the one in control. You always have a Choice, make it the right one.
take care
Unico
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Post by wanttochange024 on Nov 11, 2007 15:23:38 GMT -5
Blueclouds,
It been some time since I read your journal and checked in on you. I too have been having a hard time with temptation. Sometime I think that I need to count how many clean days I've had as well. But you know that it doesn't matter how many clean days we've had. Today is the only day that matters. This moment is the only moment that matters. I can't change the past or the future. I can only deal with the right here and right now. Focus on the here and now and don't let yourself be tempted. You are a fine, upstanding man that has much to be happy about. Yes, we are going to be tempted from time to time. We just have to learn to overcome these things.
I pray that you will find the strength to overcome the temptations that you are dealing with, may the Lord give you what ever you need to continue down your path of recovery. I ask these things in Christ name. Amen.
Thinking Good Thoughts!
wtc024
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Post by blueclouds on Nov 14, 2007 8:37:29 GMT -5
Thanks for the visits, Unico and wtc024.
Unico -- I agree that the really damaging behavior is the compulsive porn consumption. People can MB in moderation and probably not damage their lives much. However, for many of us the two are linked. When I MB to fantasies in my head, I simply want to experience an orgasm, so the whole thing is over and done with fast. In that way, it's harmless compared to the hours of image-searching online. I do find, though, that when I allow myself to MB (as I'm doing now), I want to more and more often, and I soon get to a point where I wouldn't mind getting some more direct and easier fodder for my fantasizing, and from there it's a short step to looking online. This is a process I've gone through many times, most recently just the other day. However, I also think (and have found through experience) that building up so many taboos (porn, MB, looking at women, watching certain movies, etc.) can eventually lead to the opposite of the desired effect; I become more and more attracted to all the fruit I've put in the "forbidden" basket. This second point is why I'm allowing myself to MB and generally not restraining any behavior except porn viewing. I have other issues with MB -- I believe it has a generally negative effect on my self-esteem, social confidence, and general energy to go out and live life. That is all very subjective, I think, and I certainly respect anyone who views masturbation as 100% neutral; it's their choice.
wtc024 -- Thanks for your affirmation, well-wishing, and prayers. Though I'm not "that way inclined," I do appreciate it when religious men and women here offer me their prayers and religion-based words of support. It's obvious to me that you speak from the heart and with sincerity, and I value that highly.
Just to report that I'm still MBing, now as much as once a day, but have not viewed porn again. I'm very busy with work, and this is helping. The real test will be next summer (I'm often at about a quarter of my usual schedule during summer months), when I always seem to fall.
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Post by rockwell on Nov 14, 2007 16:43:45 GMT -5
BC, Now that your wife has recovered from child birth, are you making a goal to stop MBing? Just wondering your thoughts about how MB effects your sex life with your wife. I found that it was detrimental to our intimacy and therefore I have made it a goal to not MB. I have not been 100% successful at this however. Work in progress.
rock
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Post by blueclouds on Nov 17, 2007 7:24:16 GMT -5
Yes, it is detrimental to our intimacy. However, this is still a non-issue, as my SO had some problems after giving birth. It will come to the forefront again soon, though, and I'll have to be ready.
I allowed myself to watch P on TV the other night (always on after midnight on certain channels in Spain). The next day, yesterday, I spent an hour or so online doing questionable searches which led to porn pages at the end. I cannot process this now, but I wanted to get it down on "paper."
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Post by blueclouds on Nov 24, 2007 12:54:17 GMT -5
Have been off and on the last few days. I have used, but have not entered "the fog" (long sessions with the screen). I don't make that distinction in order to justify moderate use. I'm just keeping a log of where and how I am.
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Post by rockwell on Nov 29, 2007 11:40:34 GMT -5
I BC,
Just PMd you. Checkin in on you. Man, your journal is starting to suck! Where is the creative writer? Is he still in there? JOURNAL< MAN!
rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Dec 14, 2007 10:15:48 GMT -5
Blueclouds,
I am sad for you because I have a feeling you are not doing well in your recovery. You have a real gift for communication, for writing. When you read this will you strongly consider writing a journal again? Will you strongly consider giving up this porn lifestyle and making a serious effort for recovery?
Go back to your first journal. Read each entry that you made and remember. Remember. How you felt. Your resolve. Your sheer determination. And how much better you felt when in committed recovery. How much better you felt about yourself. How much better things were with your wife, your relationship. How you felt freer, less troubled, happier. Clear headed.
As I have told you before, You were one of the first men that helped me when I came here in February. You gave me sound advice and you cared. And because of that, I have been checking up on you regularly. I care.
Rockwell
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Post by rockwell on Dec 20, 2007 16:19:03 GMT -5
wheres BC?
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