|
Post by blueclouds on Feb 18, 2007 16:18:37 GMT -5
Lately I've been having a problem which I think is all to the good in terms of my recovery. I have been having a hard time controlling my emotions. I have alternately been angry, depressed almost to the point of crying, and in "a funk" for the past several days. My usual thing is to be impassive in the face of everything. I think what is happening is that I no longer have the escape root of porn, so my emotions are reaching the surface more easily. The trick now is to deal with them, not fall into the temptation to bury them again. I have thought for so long that I was so calm, cool and collected because I wasn't the typical hot-blooded Homer Simpson type, that I had it all under control. Maybe I was actually just numb, stoned out of my mind on porn. All right, let's see if I can surf this out. And also, tempting as it is to pat myself on the back, gotta' beware the euphoria, the "almost there" lie. This is just the very, very beginning of growing pains. Goodnight for now.
|
|
|
Post by blueclouds on Feb 19, 2007 2:55:37 GMT -5
Thank you choselife for taking the time to read my journal. It means a lot to know people are out there giving support. I think we can all learn from each other, which is the great thing about this board. Just to take one example, your journal of over 100 pages must be a wealth of experience we'd all do well to peruse.
|
|
|
Post by blueclouds on Feb 19, 2007 3:22:36 GMT -5
I timidly tried to initiate last night. I do not feel prepared yet, but I have not told my SO about my addiction, and it's been too long since our last time. This is the way I was thinking: "I don't deserve a smooth recovery. I'll have to make this sacrifice (not doing the act but doing it with only a month of sobriety), jeapordizing my sobriety because I will certainly feel triggered the next morning because of the chemicals," etc. I know, not good motives, but that's where I was.
Anyway, she fell asleep as soon as she hit the sheets. I then dreamed about sex -- with my SO! It seems good to me that she was there, although two things are less motive for celebration: 1) Her identity in the dream sometimes shifted to past girlfriends; 2) the sex acts were slightly P-ish. It wasn't callous or derogatory -- we were equal givers and receivers -- but it was very much about chemical sensation, and focus on body parts, etc.
Today I woke up and experienced some triggering while watching a Japanese cartoon. It's supposedly a children's cartoon but they just can't resist adding innuendo and some suspiciously drawn female characters. I had a hard time not watching that.
Just received a response from a "coach" to my lesson 3 post over at recoverynation.com. I'm still a little worried about how I react to that. I find myself anxious to get responses, then I sometimes feel like I wish the responses were longer, or "revealed more truth," or something.
Note to self: Recovery is also getting in the shower earlier, getting dressed and getting your butt in gear, taking advantage of the morning before it's gone.
OK, so instead of thinking of more stuff to write in this post, let's see if I can do the above.
|
|
|
Post by blueclouds on Feb 19, 2007 7:50:56 GMT -5
After reading my own journal and reading through another one in its entirety, I can see even more clearly that I wanted to initiate with my SO last night for all the wrong reasons. It's tricky because I'm trying to balance taking recovery steps with not revealing my addiction to her.
I cannot realistically practice lengthy abstinence without telling her what's going on.
But I am not ready to tell her. I am taking other, concrete steps in my recovery (the AA fourth step, and lesson 4 at recoverynation.com), and I do not want to rush or convolute things with some kind of mad "Recovery Now!" fulfilment of every item on the healthy recovery list. However, I do need to start thinking and writing about the issue of disclosure. It's so painful -- even just to write that last sentence. The idea is terrifying. I have a boatload of excuses for why I don't want to. I'll have to get them down in my journal and examine them one by one.
I'll be honest: right now, my feeling is that I will never be able to tell her. Right now, I have firm faith in several of my excuses.
Let's see if that statement stays unchanged a few months down the road.
|
|
|
Post by blueclouds on Feb 19, 2007 16:50:28 GMT -5
Here is yet another complex issue (do they ever end?) I would like to examine in myself. When looking over my biggest female triggers, whether in real life or via Internet porn, I realize there is nothing terribly special about them per se. I mean, yes, attractiveness, but how many millions of other women have I seen that were attractive, or had proportions of a certain type, etc.? The fact is, the selection of certain women has been almost random. I have deposited my lust in them. It is not that they are so irresistible that they become triggers for me; it's that I turned them into triggers by making them the recipients -- and containers -- of my lust.
I know I must not be alone in this. I've seen lots of other PA's say things like, "I just can't stop thinking about this one girl... if it weren't for this one porn star, staying clean would be a whole lot easier," and so on. This of course is not right thinking. The lust is in me after all. But I wonder what is behind this psychology of "She is the one." Is it a remnant of romanticism? Is it a long lost part of us trying to be chivalrous, even in our worst degradation of self and women? Or is it just another addict trick: "You're a rock. You can resist anything they throw at you -- except this. This one female figure is your fatal flaw."
I have done this with several ex-girlfriends after the fact, or other women I had been with for a single night. I have also done it with Internet women. And I do it even now, with new people I meet. It goes something like this: "Yeah, I'm clean. Got a month under my belt. I see women every day and I'm holding out... But if I MBed to THIS ONE AND ONLY WOMAN, it would be practically like tasting heaven. If I have an MB slip, it will no doubt be because of her. All those old P models are a joke next to her. Just the blurry sight of her skin in my periphery is enough to send me reeling."
Don't worry too much. These thoughts play themselves out mostly in the background, and they do not emanate from what is the command center just now. But they defiinitely make themselves heard. They are, of course, utter bull(expletive). I can say this now because I've seen myself do this so many times before. In fact, the woman I used as the maximum recipient of my lust when I slipped on MB last summer is in my working life right now, and what do I feel for her? Zilch. She isn't the least bit attractive to me right now. And yet 8 months ago I couldn't get her off my mind, and almost every MB session after my relapse featured her for a while.
I think it may be part of the ritualization. The truth is, if I could get the same effects from a little blue pill as what I get from watching P and MBing for 5 hours, I'd be popping those little beauties all day long. And an alcoholic would gladly lick a magic stamp that gave him his buzz. But the alcoholic and I set up rituals. We add glamor, fiction. FANTASY. Yeah, the lust is in me. I spew it out, and the unlucky winner is whichever mildly attractive woman happens to be passing by at the time (or appears on the screen after click number 5,972).
I have to own that. It is not in "her," or any woman. It is not in the way she dresses, in what she reveals. It is not in the way she walks, talks, smiles, bends. The crud is mine and mine alone. Triggers? My own psyche is the biggest trigger factory there ever was -- maybe the only one. I make and distribute the triggers. Then I act surprised when I get pinched by them. It sounds like something a bored child would do on a rainy Sunday. Making up stories for himself. Imaginary games. Anyway, for me, NO BLAMING WOMEN, TV, OR CLOTHES. They are what I have wanted them to be.
|
|
|
Post by blueclouds on Feb 20, 2007 4:03:46 GMT -5
Note to self: INTELLECTUAL INSIGHTS DON'T REDUCE LUST, OR MY ADDICT'S THIRST.
|
|
|
Post by blueclouds on Feb 20, 2007 9:00:47 GMT -5
I had a phone conversation with a fellow addict today, and I talked out a good chunk of my fourth step resentment inventory (posted here a few days back). It was really good doing that, maybe even more beneficial then when I actually wrote it. There is something about expressing it with your voice to another human being -- it's so much closer to CONFESSING, which is so important because this addiction is composed of about 25% pure secrecy. It also made me feel like I really had an important record in my inventory, something to read over time and again, to think about my relationships with all the people in the lefthand column, and the negative patterns (and, therefore, HURT, both in me and in them) my resentment has caused, and causes. It feels like a genuine accomplishment, something much greater than abstaining by itself. I'm looking forward to doing the next part of the inventory (was it fear?). And here again real life has come to yank me by the collar to get me out of this computer chair. Gotta be off. A million blessings on you all.
|
|
|
Post by blueclouds on Feb 20, 2007 14:29:43 GMT -5
Today is day 30 or 31, not sure which.
I need to report how a vestige of my habit started churning its wheels, apparently on past momentum alone (just goes to show a month is still nothing).
Several of my afternoon commitments got cancelled. On the way home, I had to fight a few budding fantasies. I thought, "Now where is this coming from?" I hadn't seen any triggers, paid much attention to any women, or had any alterations in mood. What was causing these fantasies to try and take root?
When I got home to my emtpy house the answer clicked in my brain -- and in my skin. I was subconsciously preparing for a nice, long session. How my addict used to love these days, when a sudden, unexpected gift of time meant I could curl up (or hunch over) in my favorite chair (the computer chair, probably the most uncomfortable one in the house), and treat myself (medicate myself) to 3 or 4 wonderful hours of mind-death. My subconscious mind, my skin, and the corresponding brain centers were all conspiring for an upcoming fix. In a way, though, my brain and my skin are innocent; after all, I had trained them to expect certain things at certain times, and they were just going along with the program -- MY program.
I am thankful I have enough stability in my recovery at this point that I could just observe this phenomenon; it did not toy with me. At the same time, it is sobering, pun intended, to realize that the momentum leading up to a slip can get pretty far along before it reaches your conscious mind, and so before you even have the choice of fighting it off.
|
|
youngconvalescent
New Member
When in need, no one cares who you are. Just if you can help.
Posts: 22
|
Post by youngconvalescent on Feb 20, 2007 14:54:49 GMT -5
I know how you feel, blueclouds.
I use to get on the computer and do my thing at night when everyone in the house was asleep (as at that time, my bedroom door didn't lock and member of my family could walk in on me). So I know how it is to get these desires from no where. It has been 70+ days for me and I still get urges, although they have lessened a bit.
Yesterday I had a huge chunk of free time to myself. So I spent it watching TV shows on YouTube. But it was something to help get my mind off my problem. Anyways, I am very proud of you, personally, it took help from people who knew me, such as my SO before I was able to truly break away.
Keep up the good work.
|
|
|
Post by blueclouds on Feb 21, 2007 6:00:08 GMT -5
Thanks for the support, YC. I've just left a big, yawning post in your journal. I'm longwinded that way.
This morning is close to becoming a zero. I am not getting things done. Specifically, I am not doing some online work I have to do. I somehow managed to create this gigantic barrier between me and this work, and the idea of starting it terrifies me (it's a timed shift once you log on). So I have been PROCRASTINATING with a capital P all morning. I am suddenly making this an issue when it doesn't have to be one. Am I going to have to run through the 12 steps before I do anything? "Hi, I'm Bluecouds, and I'm a procrastinator. I admit that I am powerless to start this online work today. Only my HP can make me click on "start shift" and begin working. HP, I leave it in Your hands. I feel resentment at this work because I'm afraid I won't do a good job, and really I'd rather be fishing...."
Every minute that goes by the mountain gets bigger, but trust me, it really is just a mole hill. It's a matter of DOING. But I am not a doer. I'm an observer, a thinker, a scared (expletive)iless-er. I'm in Spain but I still haven't learned to take the bull by the horns. I can't even be in the same state as the bull.
This is where this morning finds me, and I'm laughing at myself, but I can feel the operating factor run all through my body: FEAR.
Note to self: PROCRASTINATION IS FEAR.
|
|
|
Post by asimov on Feb 21, 2007 10:46:24 GMT -5
Hey Blue
I'm a first-class procrastinator too. It's something I don't completely understand because when I'm getting things done, it feels so great, like I'm getting where I want to go, like I'm living life on a higher level...and when I'm procrastinating, I feel depressed, stressed etc. But these days I seem to be doing better. Lets keep each other going!
Asimov
|
|
|
Post by blueclouds on Feb 21, 2007 19:18:23 GMT -5
Yeah Asimov, we addicts seem to be posterboys for contradiction. Everything about not looking at P feels great, but that knowledge alone isn't enough to keep us away from it. I'm glad you're making progress on the procrastination front.
In the end I managed to get some of that work done, and a little more just now. It was enough of a breakthrough that at least the mountain seems more scaleable now.
Just had a fleeting thought I didn't like, an impulse: "What if you just reached down and let the hand do what it knows..."
Yikes! It hit me out of nowhere. Maybe because of tiredness, stress over this work stuff. Anyway, it was fleeting, but not at all weak. For a second, it was almost as if I wasn't in recovery, like I was back in my using days, in which killing 2 hours with P was just part of getting to bed, like brushing my teeth and setting the alarm clock ("Four hours of sleep isn't all that bad, is it? I mean, it's better than three, right?"). My mind actually allowed that mental lapse, as if MBing now wouldn't be a slip, just a simple routine, as if I had just been doing it yesterday, and this morning.
30-some days is still nothing. This is important for me. I know 30 days is better than 15, and 15 is better than 2, but I will not start celebrating until I've reached a year -- and that's a lifetime away. So one day at a time. I think I can make it from the computer to the bedroom without slipping, and sleep is ready to pounce.
|
|
|
Post by blueclouds on Feb 22, 2007 18:31:59 GMT -5
Today I was so busy I didn't have time to feel triggered, or even to remember I'm a porn addict. I know that is sometimes seen as a good thing, but I'm afraid I don't see it that way for me. Staying busy just means I am making it physically impossible for me to act out. That may be useful for getting through the first week or so, or for combatting a huge wave, but it is not recovery; it keeps me from porn, but it also keeps me from looking at core issues and causes. Oh, I'm happy to have another day P and MB free, but it was also a day where I was recovery-free. I was just coasting, as if I belonged in the normal non-addict world. And it IS good to mix and mingle in that world, but also not to fly too close to the sun. I learned that lesson with sledgehammer force last summer. I was coasting -- all my days were pretty similar to today. When I finally succumbed and viewed P again, it was like I had never stopped; in that light, the case could be made that I really hadn't made any progress. Days going by is not progress if there is no internal change, no substantive restructuring. I know some feel this is not so, that sobriety equals recovery, but just based on my own experience I have to set this standard for my own path: the goal is real and lasting change, not racked-up sober time.
|
|
|
Post by Nick on Feb 23, 2007 9:21:57 GMT -5
Hey blueclouds,
I just had a chance to catch up with your journal, and I wanted to congratulate you on the incredible recovery work that you have been doing. There are some great insights here, a lot of fearless inventory-making. You communicate a good and honest sense of where you are in your recovery. This is courageous, tremendous, fruitful work!
I admire and can very much relate to your commitment to self-analysis and self-criticism. I suspect that you, like me, may even be a bit too hard on yourself at times. Sure, you can ascribe a sober day to your busy-ness -- I enjoy some of those myself without feeling that I have necessarily gained anything in insight or perspective, recovery-wise. But remembering too that real work happens sometimes in fits and starts, you might also say that you are laying a foundation for a good and lasting recovery that sustains you through all sorts of days: busy, stressful, rewarding, triggering -- terrific, or plain awful. All this to say that I hope you are able to celebrate (however modestly) and feel proud of your successes. These don't discount from the fact of our powerlessness to this addiction, but they do or might give us a reason to keep working at recovery.
All best,
Nick
|
|
ej
Junior Member
Posts: 58
|
Post by ej on Feb 23, 2007 10:13:24 GMT -5
Hi blueclouds,
I just had a chance to read most of your journal today and I've enjoyed following your progress. I especially enjoyed one of your first posts, where you mentioned opening up and dancing with your SO, and how that moment couldn't have happened without your recovery. Those are the moments of connection that keep me on this path and it makes me smile to hear about other guys achieving the same thing.
I'm also coming off of a BIG (year-long!) slip and started around the same time as you - let's hope our mistakes have given us perspective.
|
|