Blueclouds -- For A Pornless Soul

[blueclouds]

Almost 2 months later...

I was away from any private internet for a month. Sounds like a good thing, right? Guess again. I was leaning on this board as my main (only) form of support. No other person in my life knows about my problem, not even my SO. I am not in any group, other than this one. I am not seeing any kind of therapist. All no-no's in the recovery game, I know. But that's where I am right now.

So 45 days into sobriety, 15 days away from this board, I slipped on the MB front. I let fantasies develop, let myself look for cleavage on TV, allowed fixations with this or that passing female acquaintance, and teased myself to sleep several nights until at last I boiled over. The fall was accompanied by much misdirected thinking, such as, "Nobody in their right mind could resist such a fantasy... the best one you've ever thought up...". Then I MBed regularly for another 2 weeks, using TV, but convinced I was still okay if I didn't use internet porn. I had a few binge sessions with late night TV (where I am there are no restrictions after midnight), still thinking I was mostly clean since I hadn't visited any porn sites (what a chump I was!). Inevitably, after 70 days free of it, I went online and mainlined.

Let me just drop a little note for those of you who have never reached 70 days and see it as an accomplishment: it's nothing. It may as well have been 5 seconds. I did notice wonderful changes while I was clean, and P-use seemed far away. But on a dime, here I am, fighting urges, still remembering my last fix (6 days ago), still able to go cross-eyed at some of the images I used then, and once again, a slave to cleavage, not in control of my own eyes. I know the support board catchphrase, "A slip is a learning experience." Yeah, well, so is being in a train wreck. I'd rather skip the lesson.

Here's to peeling myself off the floor, the ceiling, the computer chair. And thanks again to Witness. Reading back over this (hopefully renewed) journal and seeing how he was there, urging me along... invaluable.

I'm feeling temptation today, but I will sigh at myself and go into the next room, take my dog out... welcome my SO when she gets home, fully able to look into her eyes, which, though so small a thing, makes her so happy.

[Al]

Each of us has 24 hours each day to work recovery, no more, no less. One day at a time we will get there.
70 days continuous working is nothing to dismiss. You've learned so much from that. And you can make it more. You know as well as I: it's not about the number. It's about what you do with the inside of yourself.

Be well,
Al

[blueclouds]

Thanks for responding Al. It's quite an inspiration to see you started this journey 4 years ago and that you still haven't given up. That's dedication!

Facing extreme heat in my part of the world -- dog day afternoons. Young women are dressing accordingly and my addiction is using me for a punching bag. I get the usual string of thoughts that spring from weakness: "It's not fair that I can't look at them and feel desire ... Is the world going to end if I MB today? ... Am I supposed to be made of stone or something? ... I might hold out today, but this just isn't sustainable over time ... Oh, screw it all! Just MB to porn and get it over with! ..." -- ad nauseum.

So I think of an idea I've seen repeated here, most notably by Geoff: I've already MBed enough to last me several lifetimes. So true. Time to move on to better, brighter things.

And actually, it's true that if you're white-knuckling, it's not sustainable over time. For us, the strong-willed and hard-headed, it's tempting to think, "Yeah -- those AA people can't do it on will power alone because they're weak; I, however, am possessed of a will of steel." Guess what? That's utter bull(expletive). In the porn addiction game, the irresistible force finally trumps the immovable object. But even if it didn't, who told me my will power was an immovable object in the first place? No, the waves rot the pier -- and at time-lapsed speed.

So if will power is not the ticket, if fighting porn addiction with will power is like trying to stop up a geyser with your big toe, then we have entered murkier waters. Support boards are there, SA meetings, therapy, but even assuming all these pieces are in place, lasting change must be inside you, not an exterior thing to lean on. This seems to mean I have to change BEFORE my will power gives in again and I slip. Talk about pressure! If that's the case, I need an epiphany, a miracle, a touch of grace.

But I am not that way inclined. I do not envision a personal God of the kind claimed by the 3 major monotheistic faiths, and yet I don't go around saying this or that doesn't exist, or can't be. Agnostic? Not exactly. I believe in something universal, but that spirituality is so personal, so individual, that we can't all experience the universal in the same way, with the same images, the same intensity. My idea of the universal is tied into nature, but also includes us and all we have done on this planet, for better or for worse. I believe in the connectedness of all things under the sun or otherwise, and that the glue that holds it all together is something divine -- whether its name be God, love, beauty, or quantum string energy. But it is hard for me to take on board a particular reading by a particular culture, and go around claiming my little corner of truth is the be-all and end-all of truth. I think when you dress up spirituality you kill it; when you dress up truth you make it less true.

That being my spiritual perspective, I don't know how to incorporate it into my healing. To tell the truth, I've been feeling particularly unspiritual in the past five years or so, being in a place where it is hard to find kindred spirits, and being caught up in the worldly, and in a culture that seems to aggressively confirm on a daily basis that the worldly is the only. So when I face my addiction and say, OK, I need change, I need spiritual renewal -- I kind of get stuck there. I white-knuckle through the evening, and the next day the worldly is back full-swing, and I avoid temptation by staying busy... and I remain unchanged.

Hmm... I think I need community. I'm in a culture that is not my own, and I am very much alone on any spiritual level. My girlfriend and I have timidly considered a move to the States, for work reasons. Maybe I can find some long lost brothers and sisters. But if I don't? What a mess.

[blueclouds]

Feel like (expletive) today. Have had some underlying tension with my SO all day. Her mother is here visiting, and my SO always seems to need to show her mother that she's in charge, that she's the whip-holder and I'm a slob she has to put up with. I resent that because I really think I do at least half if not more of the housework. And she complains about little things, tells me to do this or that impatiently... but only when her mother's visiting. Anyway, how do I react to this? I get grumpy, silent -- this is my revenge. Can anyone say passive-aggressive? I withhold smiles and affection. What an idiot! And now they've gone to the beach, and I'm here alone in the heat (we have no A/C, just ceiling fans), and I'm feeling resentful because of how the day has gone... RED ALERT! I came to the board about half an hour ago. I've been lazily browsing, hardly able to finish reading the posts I open, not really wanting to be here at all -- but deathly afraid that if I exit the board I will end up binging. I will end up binging! In fact, during the day I have seen enough to MB to. I have the images of several women there, frozen, waiting for me to touch them with my magic wand and have them spring into motion, but in a dimension for which I write the rules and the logic, I write the dialogue and the action, and I draw the curtain down on the grand finale whenever and however I please.

But I think of my iguana (gotta get him a name), my reptilian brain -- the poor creature can't help but feel afraid. For him, it's life or death. Either get a P/MB high now, or face extermination. I have to calm him down, comfort him, pet him, feed him flies. Thinking, though, doesn't work. He doesn't have thought, doesn't even have language. He is pure, nameless emotion, responding only to heat or cold, hunger or satiation, danger or safety, alertness or tiredness. In us addicts, he always feels hungry, always detects danger. There must be a way to soothe him. I don't want him to decide how I live my life!

I hope all this is enough to get me through the afternoon. I'm so hot and tired right now, and the addict in me that craves satisfaction is encouraging me to feel twice as hot, twice as tired as I really am. This is turning into a rant -- I think exactly because I'm in the danger zone. Come on, kid. Stick it out. My mother always says, "This too shall pass," so, it'll pass. But God it's hard. Animals and by extention humans have some basic programming in us that it would take an enlightened zen monk to short-circuit: when hungry, eat; when thirsty, drink; when tired, sleep; when in danger, run. We addicts add our cravings to that list of instincts: When you crave, visit that pornsite, MB, whatever to get the dopamine through. You can only convince your stomach that it doesn't need any food for so long -- eventually you'll be driven to eat. That's the kind of force we're dealing with here. This is the truth behind the claim that no amount of willpower can beat this thing alone. Don't fall into hubris like I have and do. So you've always been a rebel? Everyone's always told you how strong-willed you are? Got nerves of steel? Guess again. You're a frigging feather, you're silly putty, when it comes to this or any addiction. And that is some painful (expletive) to take on board.

[blueclouds]

I'm back in. Am I really? I have been binging since last summer. I just ignored all the reasons for stopping. I thought I was in control because I limited my use to free (and alone) time, and the only life task I borrowed from was sleep, but nothing I couldn't fix by going to bed early the next night. I tried to make porn use part of my routine: Home alone? Got a few hours to kill? Internet. Porn. Zombification.

But it caught up with my normal life. My SO doesn't know, but she intuits something. I'm missing. I have no energy. I never want to go out on weekends. I am not performing in bed. Dear God, we're going to have a child in five months.

And I feel like I can't stop alone. This thing is stronger than me. How can that be!? I have to get out of this. The damage is real. The enslavement is real. But wanting to isn't enough. Willpower is a joke. So what do I do?

[Nick]

Hi blueclouds,

I'm awfully glad you resumed your posting here, as it gave me a chance to read your journal. Your story -- all of which relates to your SA/PA, that is -- is uncannily similar to mine. I can recognize myself, or some twisted addict-version of myself, in virtually every anecdote you offered here.

So thank you for that: thank you for reminding me today of the importance of gaining and maintaining sexual sobriety, no matter what. It's been a tough month and I needed to hear that message.

As for your question, "what do I do?" -- you seem like a smart guy and pretty capable of figuring that out yourself. You can't do it alone, you say. Well, neither can I. And so we -- the community of addicts in general, that is, and the people who love them -- have to help each other out.

Nick

[blueclouds]

Thanks for chiming in, Nick. It's always somewhat of a relief to hear that this is just a process that is happening in many different hearts/heads; the old "I'm the worst person in the world" gambit just doesn't hold water. Addiction is a people thing, after all. It happens to and among people in strikingly similar patterns.

I'm only a few days clean so far, so porn and MB are still in every cell of my body. If I let my focus go hazy for even a second, my hand moves toward my crotch on its own. I scream out "NO!" internally, and something in me pouts, saying, "Why can't I? Just this once! It's not fair!" Wah, wah, wah. I'm a terrible toddler. And that doesn't only go for porn addiction, does it? I can glance over the past month or so and see lots of terrible toddler reactions on my part, especially towards my SO.

Here's another burning motto in me that describes my addiction to a tee and yet is very much a part of my general psyche, in many aspects of life: It's never enough. I want it all. I want all. Something new, different, tittilating. I saw Hollywoodland last weekend, a decent film and yet another bearer of this message: what you want, need, everything you think you're searching for -- it's right under your nose. So true in my case. Instead of wandering the world in search of adventure, I wander the Internet in search of gratification. Lust by any other name...

I made it through the morning today. Tomorrow I have more time alone at home, and the next day. I feel great resistance in me. When I'm alone, there's an almost constant nagging presence bidding me to give in. "You can MB to porn for 3 hours straight, take a shower and go to work. No one will know and there won't be a single consequence. What's the difference, really?" I'd love to silence that voice. I'd love to just be free.

[tomlincolnsixecho]

Hey keep it going blueclouds.

Keep fighting it, there are two sides to you, and you need to override the bad one. You say you have Three hours before work. My suggestion is maybe to plan that Three hours so you are doing something rewarding, and you know it is going to take Three hours. For me that may be working on the car, catching up with friends, doing the gardening, anything, anything but porn. you will be thankful when you realize you are still clean

cheers

TL6E

[JohnG]

BC,

I pm'd you. Keep working - I am glad to see you online right now. Stay with us no matter what. If something did happen again (a slip) don't use it as an excuse to run off. Get right back here.

A new friend,

JohnG

[blueclouds]

TL6E and JohnG,
Thanks so much for responding. TL6E, yeah, planning my freetime would be great. If I had been a planner to begin with, maybe I would never have discovered my taste for Internet P. Actually, when I did discover it, my life was full of activities -- sports, music, college, work, girlfriend... But I have always been one to use whatever alone time I can grab to zone out, grab the guitar and strum listlessly, watch two movies straight, and so on. In fact, I relish unplanned hours. But it's funny -- after spending three hours doing a whole lot of nothing, I'll often feel like crap, even if I don't indulge in my addiction. Procrastination. Idleness, idle hands... JohnG, thanks for the vow of support. I got your pm, so thanks for that too.

I got some pretty heavy feelings this morning to just crash and give in, of the type, "What's the point? Denial, retention, policing yourself, suppresing desires -- those are all bad things, right? Go ahead and do it. A few hours later you won't even notice the difference." God it sucks to be a victim of your own mind! So far I'm holding out. I'll make it through today. But I can't make it through all such attacks indefinitely. One day I'll have a tiff with my SO, there'll be trouble at work, I'll underperform at some social event, and whammo, my addiction will suckerpunch me and there's four hours down the drain. I NEED MORE THAN MY WILLPOWER. I NEED MORE THAN THIS JOURNAL. I wish I could be my dog. He's curled up on the guest bed (little devil), just to be near me, sleeping like an angel. My dog would never spend 4 hours of his life watching porn, not because it's wrong to do so, but just because it's a boring, ridiculous waste of time, when there are toys to kill, smells to sniff and siestas to sleep. He just lives, whereas I have found a window out of living, a little square hiding place whose very floor and walls are poisonous. Maybe if I just keep typing the urges will die. Maybe if I just keep typing the urges will die. Maybe if I just keep typing the urges will die.

Ok, I'm gonna go out and run an errand, join the world. I can't believe it takes so much courage for me to do something so small.

[JohnG]

blueclouds said:

TL6E and JohnG,
I got some pretty heavy feelings this morning to just crash and give in, of the type, "What's the point? Denial, retention, policing yourself, suppresing desires -- those are all bad things, right? Go ahead and do it. A few hours later you won't even notice the difference." God it sucks to be a victim of your own mind! So far I'm holding out. I'll make it through today. But I can't make it through all such attacks indefinitely. One day I'll have a tiff with my SO, there'll be trouble at work, I'll underperform at some social event, and whammo, my addiction will suckerpunch me and there's four hours down the drain. I NEED MORE THAN MY WILLPOWER. I NEED MORE THAN THIS JOURNAL.

You are right. You are in a dangerous place if you are having these feelings. Concrete steps are needed. Go to an NA (or AA)meeting and explain your situation and ask if you can just sit in. They may very well welcome you. It depends on the group.

Read a lot here. Journalling is good but if you are reading a lot, do it. If you are really in trouble and have the contact info of an addict, call him.

I wish I could be my dog. He's curled up on the guest bed (little devil), just to be near me, sleeping like an angel. My dog would never spend 4 hours of his life watching porn, not because it's wrong to do so, but just because it's a boring, ridiculous waste of time, when there are toys to kill, smells to sniff and siestas to sleep.

Even animals are susceptible to addictions. Lab rats will choose cocaine over food and self-administer until death. Addiction is a physical process that has physical and spiritual consequences. It will cause us to hate ourselves but please remember that it can be treated. And while there is a lot you can do yourself, you will ultimately need some help.

Ok, I'm gonna go out and run an errand, join the world. I can't believe it takes so much courage for me to do something so small.

I identify with that 100%.

Your friend,

JohnG

[blueclouds]

I have noticed something in my behavior. As usual, it's something totally obvious that a child could have seen, but my addiction wasn't letting me see it. My SO has called me out on it several times, but I thought she was just being clingy. Here it is:

I am enormously DISTRACTED. I will be sitting with my SO watching a movie, and during the commercials (in Spain, commercial breaks can be up to 10 minutes long, but there are far fewer per show) I'll go upstairs and flick around on the computer: sports results, crossword puzzles, boring PC games, etc. Or I'll grab the guitar and play until the show/movie is back on. Here is my SO's take on it: Even when I'm with her, I act like I'm alone. Let me just highlight that to myself:

EVEN WHEN I'M WITH HER, I ACT LIKE I'M ALONE.

She said this to me about a week ago during a serious reprimand from her in terms of our relationship (she doesn't know I'm a PA). I know I can't quit this "for her," or only out of fear of losing her, but that fear is certainly what drove me to try again and come back to this forum. I even have phone contact with another addict now, and that is a big step forward for me. I have been P and MB free since this conversation with my SO, one week ago today.

Getting back to her diagnosis (one among many), I saw and felt it happening in me today, and for the first time recognized what it was. We were together on the couch under the blanket, our small dog splayed out somewhere between us, and I felt the twitch -- not to look at P or MB, but to stand up, go upstairs, follow a soccer game on the net, ESCAPE. I get distracted from the here and now, and feel what is close to a COMPULSION to duck out, give my SO, myself and the whole world the slip.

The crazy thing is, I love spending time like that. I love taking in a movie, curled up on the couch with my SO and my dog, under the blanket, the heater working, maybe a tea and some cookies... that's bliss. And yet some deep, dark part of me starts pulsating, and the signal grows in volume and intensity, until I can't stand it any more and I have to fly. It is hardly ever (at least consciously) a trigger or a thirst for P that causes this -- yes, it strikes me now:

IT IS NOT A FLIGHT "TO" ANYTHING, BUT A FLIGHT "AWAY" FROM SOMETHING.

The next question is, what am I running from? There are some easy answers -- myself, my relationship (commitment, etc.), my emotional scars, and so on -- but none of that is concrete enough. I feel like I need to explore now and find out exactly what I find so scary, what is giving me the jitters and causing me to want -- and NEED -- to jump out of reality, jump out of the present moment and zone out.

Or maybe I don't need to know. Maybe it's enough to realize this is happening and go through the steps to stop it. But no, I want to be free, not only turned off.

Aside from all this, it has been a weekend of a few ups and downs -- some flinching at triggers, turning away willfully, which only serves as a reminder that I will never beat this on willpower alone. I do not say this because 12 steps forces me to. I've never been to 12 steps, nor have I really studied it. When I say my willpower is not enough, even if I'm the strongest-willed person there ever was, it's because I've seen it and felt it firsthand. I feel ok now, sometimes even bored at the though of P or MB, but I AM UTTERLY SUSCEPTIBLE AT ALL TIMES.

I have started the free workshop lessons over at recoverynation.com. I like the structure of it, and I was thrilled with my first response from one of the coaches. Seems like I'll be able to do some forward marching over there in a way that such an open (though invaluable) forum as this one can't provide. Will keep reporting on that. I am going to return to my SO now -- so stupid of me to want to be anywhere else.

[blueclouds]

Fairly pathetic when seen through a "normal" lens, but today I felt a snip of pride. This morning I told myself I would get a letter in the mail before 2:30 when the post office here closes... and I did it!

True, the first day I told my SO I'd do it was last Friday, but the fact is, I got it done before it graduated to "issue" status. I know this all sounds ridiculous, but I'm fighting a big, bad beast called laziness, aka procrastination, and winning small battles feels good.

I have most mornings to myself. I have to do some online work every week, but I generally have lots of hours to fill with only occasional errands -- and I really struggle to get them run. In fact, sometimes just getting up the resolve to take my dog out can be a challenge.

So what am I doing that's so interesting that I can't leave the house? On many, many, many a morning, the answer to that has been P. When I'm sober (9 days so far on this stretch), what I mainly do is abstain from P. That's it. I wander from room to room, fiddle around on the computer, pick up the guitar, watch a game show, read and post here on better days, and generally stay on guard against myself.

And this is not good. Over at recoverynation.com, one of the main points seems to be that recovery should be active: you can't just abstain -- you have to fill the void you leave when you stop P with other, healthy behaviors. That, I think, was one of the many ways I went wrong on my first attempt. I tried to become "he who doesn't look at P or MB," and that is just not enough, because you leave a void. I need to deal with the things I was using P to deal with (or hide from). I need to replace negative or null behaviors with positive ones (taking my dog for longer walks, reading more in real-world books or newspapers, planning classes so the afternoon will go more smoothly, doing some housework). It sounds so simple, flat, even boring, but actually, I think it reduces boredom; I think I'll enjoy downtime (do-nothing time) a lot more if I've been at least somewhat productive during the day.

On urges: they've come and gone today, at times failry strong. When they come, it is hard not to feel overwhelmed, to feel like, even if I beat this one, they will pile on until they crush me. This is where "one day at a time" comes in handy, or even one minute at a time when the pressure's really on. All I can do is sigh.

[blueclouds]

I've been experiencing lumbago the past few days (acute lower back pain), something to do with damaged or swollen nerves in the vertebrae -- I don't really want to dwell on the details, gives me the creeps. In any case, being relegated to the couch (even at night -- I can't lie down), with hot pads, extra cushions and the whole deal, has opened my eyes to yet another facet of my addiction.

TV in Spain is quite unabashed in its use of cleavage, tight clothes and yes, even nudity to sell products or increase ratings. There's not much here in the way of debate as to how that depicts women. Needless to say, for the addict, that means triggers around every corner, on commercials, game shows, even cooking programs (There's always a scantily clad woman smiling in the corner, in charge of walking across the stage to hand someone a microphone, etc.). These days of being housebound have really been hard for me. I have caught myself a few times visually lingering on some of these women, up to the point where I momentarily glimpse what could turn into a fantasy. Then I kill it, but it's enough to indicate the particular motive behind this triggering:

COMFORT

This back condition is very painful, and the little boy in me misses my mom's tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, and the hot pads don't work nearly as well when I prepare them as when my mom did. I'm eating comfort foods, and... I'm getting strong desires to masturbate, as if somehow that would give me comfort (and I think it would, unfortunately, false as the comfort may be). This is such a clear, physical example of what many of us already know: we use masturbation to ease or escape from pain. We don't have appropriate tools for dealing with pain the way non-addicts do. Our addict inside is constantly reiterating that ONLY masturbating will truly ease the pain -- much more so than ibuprofen or hot pads. And this idea swells in your gut, in your brain's desire center, in your hands -- far before you have a chance to argue against it intellectually.

And here I see how I depend too much on analysis. I think analyzing the problem is good, but ultimately, and much to my dismay, this is not a riddle to figure out, or a puzzle to fit together. There is already so much out there about how and why this addiction develops, and what's to be embraced or avoided on your recovery path. You could get a PhD in this material and still be no closer to sobriety, no safer when surfing the net. The problem isn't intellectual, so can't be defeated with the intellect. Yet I keep focusing on understanding the addiction, understanding myself -- again, good practice, but not sufficient. When you're falling it does no good to know how fast you'll reach the ground, or what order your bones will break in, or how many nanoseconds you'll take to die. What you need is a parachute, or a million mattresses. So what's the equivalent of that parachute, or those mattresses, in the freefall of P/MB addiction? The first thing I think of is time, time sober. Then maybe some upward thrust, some antidote to falling -- maybe in the form of good habits to replace the old ones. That, for me, is the biggest challenge. I'm way, way too comfortable in my habit patterns, my procrastinating and loafing. I should start today. I should stop thinking of it as a vague plan for the future: "Yeah, one of these days, I'm gonna change, yeah...." Hogwash!

[blueclouds]

Below is JohnG's recent post in his journal. I find it inspiringly honest. I think this could deflate just about any urge or trigger. This is our misery in raw form. Thanks JohnG:

"The idea of a slip terrifies me. I see how many vanish after another unremarkable post, with no warning, to never come back again. Read the old journal archives - go back 20 pages - they are legion. I don't want to be yet another casualty of this sickness, another one that didn't make it and is back in front of his computer sitting for five hours at a time, getting up only when the urge to urinate is overwhelming and distracting, ignoring the phone, hiding when the door bell rings, a pile of mail on the dining room table, dirty dishes in the sink, the laundry piled up on the floor, bed unmade... sitting there, click, click, click, click, save, save, open in new window, click, click, click, click, open in new window, click, save... the rhythms of my life, a backlit lcd the only light, my only sun. My left leg falling asleep yet again, sudden panic when I lose a connection - did I forget to pay the bill - did my router crap out? PANIC. The gigabytes of accumulated files, jpgs, avi's, mpgs, none of it ENOUGH, ever... the frustration with finding the same galleries over and over, saving some pics from them anyway (it has been a long time since I have seen that pic - it must be buried in a folder from two weeks ago, I'll save it again), the joy of discovering a good new gallery links page, where the links don't lead to just more links pages, but real galleries - and here are a few that I have never seen before - now wishing that I WOULD actually get a few links pages to jump up instead of galleries - this might be a new vein that I have never explored before - there may be lots of stuff to be mined here. The whole esthetic - the rejection of pics over and over - not a good angle, not enough contrast, she's got a nice body as long as they don't show that face, or vice versa, why did they put that [chair, vase, pillow, whatever] there? - I can't see... that would have been a really good pic... if I were in the industry I would know how to take the perfect pics, I would get rich because I know how to take the perfect pics - and I wouldn't take the same pic over and over like this jerk, I would have lots of stuff for EVERYBODY - whatever angle you like - I would have it, and they would discover my work and I would get rich! I wouldn't use these same tired sets with the bad decoration and awful colors - I would do everything with STYLE... Then imaging how I would act out (of course I don't call it that) if I worked in the industry... I would be rich, AND I would have my pick of whatever (not whoever) I want... Then that all fades as I find a new cluster of really good galleries and they begin to fill my thoughts, I just click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, open in new window, click, click, save, click, save, click, save (wow, some good stuff here)... After five hours I realize I have to eat something, but I say, just a little bit more, then it's over six hours - wow time really flies - REALLY FLIES - amazing how a whole day goes by, or whole night - and now the sun is coming up - now I really better hurry. How depressing if I am not in bed before it really comes up and I can hear the world waking up. Hurry up. God what a loser I am, ok, shut up, just finish, get to bed, tomorrow you can think about it. No, when I am done, I am going to wipe everything clean. In the back of my mind - it felt good two days ago when I dumped everything and erased it and clicked "empty wastebasket" - it's own kind of thrill right there. My purification. Only half-believed now that it is the nth time that I do it... And a week before that - another dump. But it is different this time. - Tomorrow I will go for a run and get my mind clear. I will clean the place up, do laundry, shower, I just need to make myself feel healthy - thinking positive, that's the key! I really ought empty these folders everyday, what would happen if I died and my family found all of this (expletive) in here? What would that be like for them? - that's all they would remember... but I am erasing more often now, I think to myself, that must mean I am getting more serious. More serious. I am really going to do it this time, click, click, click... really, click. Hurry up.

This has been my life."

Powerful stuff!