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Post by witness on Nov 21, 2007 7:31:54 GMT -5
I read this last night in Philip Yancey's book on Prayer: "Prayer involves a 'renewing of the mind', a two-stage process of pergin out what displeases God and damages me (the sme, it turns out) and allowing God to fill my mind with what matters far more."
Sounds like a good recovery plan!
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Post by witness on Nov 22, 2007 4:43:45 GMT -5
Yesterday I decided to go back over to Recovery Nation and read some more. Maybe I can understand a bit more about how all of this happened.
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Post by choselife on Nov 22, 2007 10:06:46 GMT -5
Even though it may be very unpleasant and painful to hear, it is a positive and encouraging sign that she can talk about it with you. All that you can do is listen with compassion, to validate all that she feels. From my own experience, even if you are condemned in a way that is a bit strong for what you feel about yourself, that is still how she feels, and feelings can't be wrong, so validate it anyhow. I don't know if that last sentence is relevant to your situation or not. Trust takes time to rebuild, but it is doable, and that period of rebuilding will coincide with personal growth on your part.
CL
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Post by witness on Nov 23, 2007 12:39:29 GMT -5
CL, What you said is exactly how it is. I think she overstates what I did. It makes me want to correct her. But I see that that doesn't really help. Sometimes it can lead to an argument. As you said, that is how it feels to her. Just thinking of that makes my heart heavy. Sometimes I wish my sin had been something that did not touch my wife so directly and so intimately.
My wife is still enduring almost constant physical and emotional pain from all of this.
The good news is we are both committed to each other. For that I am VERY THANKFUL!
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Post by witness on Nov 24, 2007 5:29:46 GMT -5
We went out to eat last night and had a chance to talk some more. We had not done that in quite a while. So we both enjoyed the time together.
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Post by witness on Nov 25, 2007 14:22:27 GMT -5
My wife was crying this afternoon thinking about all the times I betrayed her by choosing the girls in the pictures over her. I pray for healing for her and the deep pain she feels.
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Post by witness on Nov 27, 2007 5:15:51 GMT -5
This is all so confusing to her. Now she knows I am not the man she thought I was, who I pretended to be.
And now it is time for me to admit that I am not the person I wanted everyone to think I am. It is time to face my sins and confess them and leave them.
Not easy, but certainly necessary.
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Post by witness on Nov 28, 2007 4:52:27 GMT -5
Last night she said: "Everytime you made a decision to look at P, you made a decision to hurt me. You chose them over me and were rejecting me. Everytime you did it you were kicking me in the groin."
"I trusted you too much. I was totally unprepared for this. I think that is why it cuts so deeply"
Now what can I say? Just that I'm very sorry and will continue to do my best to be the man I should have been all along.
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Post by witness on Nov 29, 2007 4:55:38 GMT -5
My wife suggested yesterday that I find a therapist to help me. So I need to think about that.
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Post by witness on Nov 30, 2007 5:16:26 GMT -5
Yesterday was a pretty good day for me and for us!!
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Post by choselife on Dec 1, 2007 6:17:58 GMT -5
Thanks for posting in my journal, Witness. Putting aside for now that your wife suggests that you see a therapist, what are your feelings about seeing a therapist? I'd love to hear (should I say read) what those feelings are. As I've said before, because I so relate to it and also have historically had so much difficulty doing it), every time your wife says things like the below quotes, I believe the most important thing is to truly with your heart listen to what your wife says, do your best to truly feel her feelings as deeply as possible. There is nothing to agree with or disagree with because her feelings can not be wrong, nobody's feelings can be wrong. This is how she is currently experiencing your prior decisions. But it doesn't mean that she can speak about your intentions (conscious or otherwise) better than you can. But thats not the point when you are with her and talking about these issues. Don't make the mistake that I have made many times in my relationship with my wife to make the conversation about me, rather than her. Trust that eventually the serious type conversations will eventually become more "two-way", but now is not the time. I've just come full circle to my initial questions about seeing a therapist. One huge benefit of seeing a therapist is that therapy is primarily about understanding and working on yourself, for the benefit of your relationships with others and for your benefit also. It will give you an outlet to discuss "all" your feelings, without having to be concerned about damaging your relationship with your wife. I'm sure you get my drift. What I would hope most is that you do come to the conclusion that it makes sense for the sake of your relationship with your wife to see a therapist. And your wife will undoubtedly feel that you are not only listening to her, but truly working with her, despite whatever uncomfortable feelings might arise in you about being in therapy. I wish you and your wife success, my friend.
CL
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Post by witness on Dec 1, 2007 8:34:33 GMT -5
Great to see you back in here posting, CL. I have always admired your stamina and resolve to never give up.
And great advice regarding my wife. You told me that same thing a few days back and I am trying to put it into practice. I even told my wife what you wrote. She may well over magnetize things but that is okay because it is what she feels right now.
And it looks like I will go see a therapist. Don't know who yet. I'll have to start making some phone calls. I can't say that I look forward to it. I guess, to be honest, I don't expect it to yield great dividends, but I'm not opposed to it.
Funny I have counseled many others and now I am reluctant to see a counselor. Perhaps I would feel differently if I knew the person I was going to go see really had some expertise in this area. We'll see how it plays out. I certainly need to keep growing and getting help is always good.
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Post by witness on Dec 3, 2007 6:04:28 GMT -5
We had a good weekend. The thing I feel badly about is that her physical pain rather than getting better, has gotten a little worse. I pray that she will get some relief soon.
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Post by witness on Dec 4, 2007 10:27:13 GMT -5
I'm plugging along. Not feeling very tempted. I do still need to be careful not to objectify women.
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Post by witness on Dec 7, 2007 6:08:44 GMT -5
I know we still have lots of work to do and that this won't always be easy. Yet I also see signs of progress. Yesterday we spent the day together. At one point she thanked me for all that I have done in fighting this and for the progress I have made. That really felt good!
A few days ago she told me that I am different from before, more attentive, more concerned, more present, etc. I told her she seems different too, more tuned in to me and more loving. She said well my being different makes her be different. Then yesterday she said she can foresee our relationship becoming better than it ever was as we both strive to draw closer. In spite of all the pain she said she is glad that I told her.
So I thank God for helping us come this far and ask Him to lead us forward day by day.
On a side note, in our super-sexualized society triggers continue to abound. I've seen several the past couple of days. So I'm reminded of the need to stay focused and to stay as far away as possible from the slippery slope.
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