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Post by witness on Nov 19, 2005 11:24:59 GMT -5
Day 25. The longer I go, the better I feel. I don't want to turn back again, ever! Free and clean! It feels wonderful.
I know that a slip is sooo easy. So I am working to never let my guard down.
May today be a day of doing good and being useful, for you and for me!
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Post by witness on Nov 20, 2005 15:36:36 GMT -5
I'm working on changing my habits.
Many years ago I read the following:
Sow a thought, reap an act; Sow an act, reap a habit; Sow a habit, reap a character; Sow a character, reap a destiny.
I'm happy to report a small victory last night. Many times in the past I have stayed up last watching TV surfing the channels hoping to find something sexually stimulating. That has especially been true on Saturday nights. Well, last night I didn't even turn on the TV and just went to bed at the same time as my wife did.
I thank the Lord for every success, no matter how small.
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 20, 2005 22:21:37 GMT -5
Thank you for your journal. It is very inspiring to me in my food addiction and in overcoming the pain of my husband's porning.
Keep up the good work!
God bless,
LookingUp
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Post by witness on Nov 21, 2005 7:03:18 GMT -5
I think this is the beginning of day 27. The first day of the rest of my life!
My wife challenged me yesterday to spend "one on one" time with our youngest son, the only one still at home. (He is 14.) It seems like I'm always too busy doing other things. She is right. (She usually is!) I need to schedule in the time. What could be more important than spending time with him?
Last night I had another small victory. I had noticed ove the past year or so that Sunday night was a time when I sometimes relaxed, let my guard down and would end up looking at the sites I shouldn't.
Well last night I was on the computer but I just looked at the results of the nfl games, checked my e-mail, and spent some time on this board.
Speaking of the nfl, here is a quote I found a while back for some of you old timers:
How can you beat temptation? Aggressively attack! Like *Di*k Butkus playing football.
(Now that was weird! I tried to post this and Butkus' name got bleeped! How sad that a common name has become something we can't use.)
I know now that I cannot be passive. It is war. Those caught sleeping will die. So here I am. Awake and ready to fight for one more day.
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Post by lizardking on Nov 21, 2005 10:51:37 GMT -5
W,
Couple of victories for you this weekend - does that not feel great and make you happier inside? Kinda makes all the pain of recovery worthwhile, if you ask me.
I have been caught by the sensors a few times myself and you are right, it is a shame. But it's a good shame to know that they are working overtime to block anything that could be slightly conceived as a trigger.
Have a great day, I am praying for you and zapped a quick, personal message to you if you get a chance to read it today. Stay strong!
LizardKing
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Post by witness on Nov 22, 2005 6:54:53 GMT -5
Day 28 is beginning. I am working on changing old habits. Last night I didn't do so well. Rather than going to bed when my wife did, as I should have, I came in and turned on the computer and looked at this board. It could have been much worse, but it needs to get better. On a brighter note, so far I have almost stopped watching TV. And I'm learning to look away when I see something provocative.
I'd like to share a story here. I think it illustrates how all sin and perhaps especially porn works to bring destruction.
In 1988 this old Indian legend appreared in Guideposts magazine: Many years ago, Indian youths would go away in solitude to prepare for manhood. One such youth hiked into a beautiful valley, green with trees, bright with flowers. There he fasted. But on the third day, as he looked up at the surrounding mountains, he noticed one tall rugged peak, capped with dazzling snow. I will test myself against that mountain, he thought. He put on his buffalo-hide shirt, threw his blanket over his shoulders and set off to climb the peak. When he reached the top he stood on the rim of the world. He could see forever, and his heart swelled with pride. Then he heard a rustle at his feet, and looking down, he saw a snake. Before he could move, the snake spoke.
"I am about to die," said the snake. "It is too cold for me up here and I am freezing. There is no food and I am starving. Put me under your shirt and take me down to the valley."
"No," said the youth. "I am forewarned. I know your kind. You are a rattlesnake. If I pick you up, you will bite, and your bite will kill me."
"Not so," said the snake. "I will treat you differently. If you do this for me, you will be special. I will not harm you."
The youth resisted awhile, but this was a very persuasive snake with beautiful markings. At last the youth tucked it under his shirt and carried it down to the valley. There he laid it gently on the grass, when suddenly the snake coiled, rattled, and leapt, biting him on the leg.
"But you promised..." cried the youth.
"You knew what I was when you picked me up." said the snake as it slithered away.
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Post by lizardking on Nov 22, 2005 9:02:10 GMT -5
Good story, Witness. I hope everyone reads it because it definitely relates to this addiction.
LizardKing
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Post by witness on Nov 22, 2005 21:18:43 GMT -5
I don't quite know why saying something means more than just thinking it. But it certainly seems that way.
Even coming here and writing something on an anonymous board and making statements about what I plan to do seems so much more concrete than simply making those same plans in my own mind.
So here I am again to say that I am in this for the long haul. I want to stay clean forever, one day at a time.
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Post by witness on Nov 23, 2005 11:53:46 GMT -5
I have found so much HOPE since I stumbled across this board 29 days ago.
I've seen lots of good information and read about the struggles of so many. I've seen the deep, deep hurt that men can afflict on their wives.
But most of all I've been encouraged. I see most of you trying your very best to win a difficult and all important war, one day at a time.
I've found a place to talk. Even if you are strangers. (I have no one else I can talk with about this.) And in just these few short days I think I have found some friends. At least two. I've got to trust someone. I've got to tell someone. So I am grateful. And hopeful.
I want to be new and clean! And I believe that this time I will make it. So help me God!
Happy Thanksgiving Day to all of you!
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Post by elcondor on Nov 23, 2005 12:29:57 GMT -5
witness,
Happy Thanksgiving to you, too.
You are well on your way to a better life. I feel so much better myself and now I am into the second part of the recovery which is to develop some good habits. At this point in my recovery I feel like this addiction has become secondary. I think I can go days now without thinking about it if it wasn't for this board. I like to come back here to check on my friends and I want to keep doing that.
You are doing great. Keep up the good work.
elcondor
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Post by witness on Nov 23, 2005 20:49:15 GMT -5
As I have said before, I am trying to change my habits. This afternoon I got on the bus. A girl in a mini-skirt got on and sat across the ailse from me. I saw her, but I did not keep looking. I made myself look out the window until I got off of the bus. Now tonight I had the TV on and the movie had a love/sex scene. No one else was in the room. I had an opportunity to look. But I got up and went into the kitchen to get something to eat.
Praise God! He is helping me in so many ways. Now I just need to follow through one day at a time.
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Post by witness on Nov 25, 2005 7:21:20 GMT -5
I believe this is day 31! One month. Well now that I'm here it doesn't seem like so much. I know that this is only the beginning of the rest of my life.
I'm thankful for a good beginning. Glad to have this place to come and report.
I'm so happy to be breaking the chains of slavery. But I know that a slip is just a click away. No, that's wrong. Just a couple of thoughts away.
So that is my focus. To constantly control my heart and mind. To never allow myself to even come close to crossing the line. Because I know that if I get too close, I will be a goner.
May today be one more step forward, walking in the light with His help!
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Post by glockster on Nov 25, 2005 7:33:33 GMT -5
Congrats on the 30 days. Keep up the awareness !!! So true that a slip is only thoughts away...
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Post by witness on Nov 26, 2005 10:37:40 GMT -5
Temptations are everywhere. Today I was stopped making a purchase and there was a newsstand right in my line of sight. There were the magazine covers of "men's" magazines beckoning me to look. I kept trying to look the other way and did so pretty well. Yet there was that "call" to look and to think about how pretty and inviting she is.
Lord, forgive me and help me. Remake me. Help me to be pure. Help me to be more like Jesus.
I want to find real joy and happiness in doing things of lasting importance.
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Post by witness on Nov 27, 2005 16:16:31 GMT -5
It has been a good day so far. I know I'll need to keep my guard up this evening but I am happy with my progress.
Last night some images were flashing through my mind. I was wishing that I could just push a button and erase them all. I pray that with time they will slowly ease further and further away.
I would never put trash in my mouth. Why did I put so much trash in my mind?
I pray for a new heart and mind.
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