|
Post by Covad on Nov 9, 2005 23:06:40 GMT -5
Thank you for your support Johannes.
I want to add this reply from a thread CV started titled "Who am I:"
****
"I was an addict of pornography. Now my identity has no place for that behavior. Returning to pornography would only show that I have forgotten who I really am.
I am a man who recognizes his frailties and weakness. I am a man of integrity and morality. I repent when I am wrong and I forgive when I am wronged. I am a man of compassion and service. I am a man of self-discipline and courage. I am optimistic and confident. I am patient and loyal. I am a scholar, an athlete, and adventurer. I am self-reliant and diligent. I am a son, father, husband, brother and disciple.
Who we identify ourselves as, has a direct impact on our behavior. We will act in accordance to how we see ourselves."
****
I will elaborate more later. Notions about my identity, especially in regard to this addiction, have been bouncing around in my skull for some time now, and I think I am getting close to clarification.
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Nov 14, 2005 15:08:49 GMT -5
Passed the 4 month mark last week.
There are events upcoming that normally would cause me anxiety, which I would then want to mask with the pleasure of pornography and masturbation. It is time to be more vigilant than normal. I will make sure I consistently remind myself why a relapse would be disastrous.
Covad
|
|
|
Post by facinglife on Nov 14, 2005 20:22:56 GMT -5
Covad,
I am glad you're realizing beforehand that difficult events are approaching. My sense is that the best vigilance you can demonstrate is to honestly express all the anxieties you currently feel. I'd assume this journal is one good place for this.
Also, I may be off track here, but I'm not sure whether reminding yourself that a relapse would be disasterous is the best preventive measure. Cause it's about thinking! Remember what Guy likes to say, I can't think myself into right action.
Perhaps this is an occasion to speak with your wife about the anxieties, and your fear that you may get into acting-out trouble. I can imagine you don't want to admit to her that you're still struggling, given her so wonderful remark recently, about trusting you etc. And you'd feel maybe that you'd be disappointing her if you admit your fear. But I think it's crucial to be totally honest with her. She will want to support you in this.
Please know that your sobriety helps me remain sober. We're in this together.
Peace,
Johannes
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Nov 16, 2005 17:42:55 GMT -5
Thank you Johannes. The weird thing is, I know I would normally be feeling anxiety about these upcoming events, but I'm not. I'm taking it in stride so far. However, as you suggest, I will not let my guard down, and speaking with my wife about it is still a good idea.
Covad
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Nov 17, 2005 23:51:10 GMT -5
A good idea indeed.
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Dec 7, 2005 13:56:24 GMT -5
Day 150 today. I am doing very well at this point. I am continuing to work everyday on recovery. I believe that daily work is crucial, especially in the first year of sobriety because it consistently keeps the reasons why I want to overcome pornography addiction in the forefront of my mind.
Monday I had a real scare - literally. I was installing a new television in my house and for some reason I decided to turn to E! channel, which is very dangerous for me. This is the first time I had done something this stupid in months. Sure enough, there was a show featuring Hugh Hefner and playboy bunnies prancing around - (no nudity thankfully). I was instantly stunned and watched it for a couple of minutes. Mercifully the show was ending. I think I would have snapped out of it even if it hadn't ended, but holy crap, it was amazing how fast the porn trance snagged me in its trap.
I told my wife about it last night and we discussed it for a bit. We also watched the Oprah show regarding pornography. It was well done and I think it was helpful for us to watch together.
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Dec 19, 2005 0:02:44 GMT -5
Wow, what a battle I had this weekend, particularly Friday. I fought with myself and my addiction all day long, resulting in looking at Sports Illustrated swimsuit pics for about a half hour or so, as well as watching some exercise shows on T.V. In the process of all this, I did not masturbate, but was aroused.
More important than what material I looked at was the feelings I had. I felt the insanely powerful compulsion to seek out pornography. It scared me to the core. I never wanted to experience that compulsion again, and then after months of freedom, I found myself in the midst of it. It was a very real internal battle; a struggle for my will.
I am left pondering what happened and what psychologically was behind my behavior. I am also left a little disappointed in myself, but more than that I am relieved that I did not go farther.
Now I am committing to returning to the fundamentals that brought me where I am. I was slacking in my diligence, but no more.
Covad Day 161
|
|
|
Post by johannes2 on Dec 19, 2005 0:37:08 GMT -5
Covad,
Gosh, you know I sensed you were struggling this weekend. I am so glad you pulled yourself away from the brink.
Do you know what brought you into the treacherous waters?
Peace,
Johannes
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Dec 19, 2005 13:58:11 GMT -5
When I wrote my post last night, I didn't have a clue as to what got me into trouble. But soon after, I talked with my wife about it and she nailed it.
We recently went out of state to visit friends who keep their house immaculate. They seem completely organized and their house is decorated like a model home. As soon as we returned home I jumped into organizing my own house. After a week or so I stalled out under the pressure, causing me to feel emotional pain due to inadequacy etc.
Such a simple thing put me into a tail spin - and I didn't even realize it until my wife pointed it out. Sometimes I see someone who has character traits or habits I want to incorporate in my life and if I am unsuccessful, feelings of inadequacy come flowing in.
Well, at least I recognize it now. I really do need to be careful with trying to live up to other people's standards.
Thanks Johannes.
Covad
|
|
|
Post by Bill Swan on Dec 19, 2005 17:17:18 GMT -5
When I wrote my post last night, I didn't have a clue as to what got me into trouble. But soon after, I talked with my wife about it and she nailed it. We recently went out of state to visit friends who keep their house immaculate. They seem completely organized and their house is decorated like a model home. As soon as we returned home I jumped into organizing my own house. After a week or so I stalled out under the pressure, causing me to feel emotional pain due to inadequacy etc. That's some really great insight. You've helped me today. thanks, Bill
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Dec 23, 2005 2:24:24 GMT -5
Thanks Bill.
My emotional state has regulated itself. I am doing well as far as not being drawn to porn, but I must say that my desire to actively work on recovery is almost non-existent. I think I have grown bored with it.
I came here tonight in hopes of rejuvenating my desire. We'll see.
Covad
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Dec 30, 2005 18:38:08 GMT -5
I am happy to report that my desire to work on recovery is regaining strength.
I am sincerely grateful that I had the strength to resist the storms of the past few weeks. There was a time there when I feared I would lose my sobriety completely. It is important to me. I view these recent trials as a wake up call and reminder that recovery is a process and that I am not yet sufficiently strong to stand on my own. I never will be strong enough to stand with out the Lord's help; I am confident of this.
Covad
|
|
|
Post by witness on Dec 31, 2005 6:24:25 GMT -5
I can understand what you are saying. The battle is a long one. And we can't let up. Yet it is hard to always remain focused.
I'm happy to see that you are still in the fight and that you are renewing your resolve.
May the Lord bless you as you take one more step down the path to freedom and life!
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Jan 10, 2006 13:37:44 GMT -5
OK. Here is what has been going on.
Last Sunday I had a good talk with my wife letting her know what I had been up to and asking her to help me step back from the brink. She was as gracious as ever and I love her more than ever.
I came to a point where I knew I absolutely could not stop the progression of my acting out without external help. In that sense I believe I was powerless to stop. I had progressed to the point of looking at lingerie & swimsuit pictures that were getting more and more explicit. I was also beginning to masturbate - I never did so to completion, but I certainly did arouse myself.
I am glad I had the courage to involve my wife. I needed her. I have hope now that I can get back into the groove of recovery. I am analyzing the psychological reasoning behind my acting out so I can be more prepared for it in the future.
Though I came as close as I can to a full relapse, I have decided not to restart my day count. Though I blew through all of my warning behaviors, I did not delve into full on masturbation and use of pornography. I did slip back into behaviors that are dangerous, compulsive and addictive-feeding and I know that I cannot engage in these if I have any desire of remaining sober for very long.
This is a major bump in my recovery, but it has not derailed me. I will not stop the fight.
Covad
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Jan 11, 2006 14:28:57 GMT -5
Six months down!
The celebration is a bit muted due to my recent struggles, but I still am excited about my progress. Six months ago today I began this journey of removing the cycle of addiction from my life, and the bottom line for me is that life with abstinence is infinitely better than life with addiction.
Here's to another six months.
Covad
|
|