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Post by Covad on Jan 13, 2006 0:27:40 GMT -5
Decision 1: I will not lust (the strong physical desire to have sex with somebody, usually without associated feelings of love or affection), ogle (to look at somebody for sexual enjoyment or as a way of showing sexual interest) or masturbate (to give oneself sexual pleasure by stroking the genitals, usually to orgasm).
Decision 1a: I will not sexually stimulate, arouse or stroke myself in any way.
Decision 1b: I will not use the television to search for and/or look at women for the purpose of lusting or ogling.
Decision 1c: I will not use the internet to search for and/or look at pictures or video of women for the purpose of lusting or ogling.
Previously my "bottom line" behaviors prohibited nudity and masturbation to orgasm. I knew it was dangerous to view swimsuit or lingerie pics or to stimulate myself without orgasm, but I considered these warning behaviors only, not as forbidden behaviors.
That is changed now. The compulsion of this addiction is activated by any form of lust. I am re-drawing my line in the sand.
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Post by choselife on Jan 13, 2006 5:34:14 GMT -5
Got that right for me too. Wise move, Covad.
CL
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Post by Covad on Jan 22, 2006 3:38:01 GMT -5
My rules refinded:
1. I will not lust (the strong physical desire to have sex with somebody other than my wife), ogle (to look at somebody other than my wife for sexual enjoyment or as a way of showing sexual interest) or masturbate (giving myself sexual pleasure by stroking the genitals).
2. Lusting and ogling apply to real-life encounters and any form of media (i.e. internet, television, video, magazines etc.)
3. Masturbation includes self-arousal and stimulation.
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Post by Stillhopeful on Jan 22, 2006 9:32:11 GMT -5
More info please, Covad. What is going on? How are you feeling about life? Lonely? Bored? Disappointed? How is work, family, fitness and health?
Still
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Post by johannes2 on Jan 22, 2006 16:53:31 GMT -5
Covad,
I want to echo Still's quiet questions.
What is happening? I am not saying your decisions are problematic--they make for clear and easy rules. But I would include another buffer zone. Because I don't want the following scenario to occur: say you're on the street and catch yourself lusting after someone for a few seconds, and then your addict voice comes in and says: "Hey Covad, know what, you just had a slip! So it doesn't really matter if you now go and buy a copy of 'Hustler.' A slip is a slip."
Have you spoken with your wife about these new rules? Are they realistic?
Johannes
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Post by witness on Jan 22, 2006 17:10:57 GMT -5
I have been following your "new rules" from the beginning of this attempt at recovery. So far (almost 90 days) so good.
I think "zero tolerance" is the only way to go.
I don't know about the other issues that Still and Johannes are refering too. Obviously we need to look at root issues. But I think you are right on target as to where the line should be drawn.
If I don't even get close to the slippery slope, I can't slide down.
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Post by Covad on Jan 23, 2006 21:18:56 GMT -5
Still & Johannes,
First off, thank you both for your care and concern. You two have always been good to me and I appreciate that in a very real way.
Currently I am doing very well. I am working my plan and staying clean. I am happy most of the time, rarely lonely, sometimes bored, and not disappointed much. My work is, well, work. It's not the most fulfilling line of work, but it does its job feeding my family and supplying some wants on the side. Fitness-wise I am doing pretty well. I exercise everyday and strength-wise I am probably in the best shape of my life. I could stand to get on the treadmill or bicycle more often though. I think overall, in terms of being satisfied with my life, I would give it a solid 'B." There is room to improve in every area, but I don't feel overwhelmed by that thought.
I think the real reason I have moved my "line in the sand" so drastically is my experience in late December/early January. I ventured back into addictive behavior, but made sure I never "technically" crossed the lines I have set in my mind. This whole experience scared me so badly. I am even feeling emotional now just thinking of it. After nearly six months of sobriety I found myself flirting with a relapse. I was being sucked in so fast, I thought I would not be able to survive it.
So, to counter my own willingness to test my boundaries, I decided to re-examine them. My new "decisions," are not necessarily strict boundary lines that will cause me to do as Johannes suggested. I will not reset my sobriety day if I catch myself daydreaming or ogling. These are standards by which I want to live my life. Though I will be flexible, I will no longer allow myself to compulsively look at swimsuit, bikini or lingerie pics or channel surf searching for skin, i.e. Girls Gone Wilds commercials or E! Channel's "Girl Next Door" program. These show no nudity, but have nearly the same effect on me as does nudity. Also, I will not tolerate self stimulation. I gave myself too much leeway in this last episode.
The good news is that I know I can live this way. Besides those instances a month ago I described, I have for over 6 months, stayed away from swimsuits, lingerie, self stimulation etc. Now, I am just making those behaviors unacceptable and grounds for declaring a relapse and resetting my sobriety date.
So, bottom line, I want to live without lust and ogling. That is what I strive for. I realize I will not be perfect at it. I am a man after all! But if I do not define my goals, I will not know what to strive for.
I think this is a vision that is not quite "zero tolerance" as Witness described, but it is much closer to it than before. And I echo Witness's thought that "if I don't even get close to the slippery slope, I can't slide down." My old line was right on the top of that slippery slope.
I hope that helps. Thank you again for caring enough to ask those questions.
Covad
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Post by Bill Swan on Jan 24, 2006 20:26:56 GMT -5
No time to reply but damn dude, I'm really with you on this last post. Flirting with middle circle stuff is far to common for me lately.
Quickly two things.
I just thought of something. I'd like to get more middle circle into my inner circle. Maybe one thing at a time I could push them away. Not really the cold turkey approach I like so much. Just a thought.
Someone told me once to not be too hard on myself by taking everything away. I'm not saying don't do it but if you come to a point where you're going to act out no matter what I'd hope you would watch something innapropriate on TV before full on MBing to porn.
All my best,
Bill
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Post by johannes2 on Jan 25, 2006 16:58:38 GMT -5
Covad, thanks for your post! I think Still and I are quite satisfied with your response... It sounds as if you're in a good place. Johannes
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Post by Covad on Jan 26, 2006 15:39:20 GMT -5
Bill & Johannes: Thanks guys.
I posted the following on the General Discussion Board in celebration of my 200th day. I wanted to make it part of my journal:
At the close of today, I will have been sober for 200 days. I am satisfied with this, and grateful. I honestly believe the key is true commitment. In my mind there is not a single soul who uses this site who could not find a way to overcome their compulsive use of porn if they would truly devote themselves to that end. This devotion involves more than a simple mental decision, it must include consistent, planned action. We must educate ourselves. READ! STUDY! PRACTICE! EVALUATE! ADJUST! REWORK! It is a process; a liberating, wonderful, enlightening process. I am grateful for it. I am more intelligent as a result of this process. I know myself and my capabilities to a far greater extent.
The process can also be frustrating and fraught with near misses. I have not been perfect for 200 days, I have tested on an occasion or two, my bounds and limits. I have had to re-adjust those boundaries to ensure and increase my safety. That is part of the process; part of the magnificent learning experience brought about by recovery.
For those who are, after several maddening attempts, still clinging to a day or a week of sobriety, I offer my sincere encouragement. I have been there; we all have. Please do not give up or give in. Please give instead your whole self over to an absolute commitment to sobriety and recovery. Keep trying. Keep reaching to become the type of person you know you can become. We are certainly worth whatever price is necessary.
For those who have been my mentors here, I offer my sincerest thanks - we do not recover in a vacuum. I will list some and I will leave off some and to those I apologize. Curious Voyager, Corazon, BlackSpiral, Choselife, Johannes, Stillhopeful, Gandalf, Paradox, Jay, Want2BGood, Al, GhostofCowboy, Mitch, BillSwan, InSearchOf, CleanToday....the list goes on. So many of you have blessed my life with the simple gift of caring.
That is about all I have. I am emboldened by the knowledge that I do not have to live my life under the scourge of pornography.
Covad
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Post by Bill Swan on Jan 26, 2006 19:05:21 GMT -5
Hooray! I guess you've made it to graduation. It must be time to celebrate with some ...
(i guess that might be a bad idea eh?)
Joking of course but there is definite documentation and personal experience that tells me people reach their goals and go out. This happens a lot. I've done it. Just something to note.
Bill
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Freddy
Full Member
Restart: April 28, 2006
Posts: 188
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Post by Freddy on Jan 26, 2006 20:18:38 GMT -5
"Sexual feelings. They are natural, and I am glad I have them. My goal is to redirect them in a healthy way. "
"Pornography has proven to be a very distructive outlet for my sexual feelings. Suppressing them or ignoring them seems unhealthy as well. To me the logical expression of my sexual feelings should be focused on my partner."
I really connected with the things you said here. Question though: what if you dont have a partner, like me?
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Post by Stillhopeful on Jan 26, 2006 21:26:41 GMT -5
Johannes is right - we are both satisfied with your response. And congrats on the 200 days! Still
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Post by Covad on Jan 27, 2006 0:53:53 GMT -5
Thanks Bill and Still (hey that rhymes)!
Freddy: Your question is a tough one. I'm not sure I have a response that will satisfy. Personally, when I was single, I chose to save intimacy for marriage. That required some self control to say the least. And though the sexual feelings came and were natural, I chose to not act on them. Sure I had fun kissing and making out etc, but I just felt that the intimacy needed to wait. It wasn't until after I was married that my addiction came into play, so I didn't have to deal with it as a single man.
So, bottom line, for me, when I was single, I redirected my normal sexual feelings into anticipation for what would come in the future. That was healthy for me. For you it may be totally different, but I still think there are healthy ways to deal with our sexuality whether married or single.
Hope that helps, though I suspect it may not be adequate.
Covad
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Mr. Clean
Full Member
Clean since 05/03/07
Posts: 190
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Post by Mr. Clean on Jan 30, 2006 21:27:17 GMT -5
Hello Covad!!
Let me first start by saying that your journal is a pearl among the many threads in this board. You have to sift through a lot of worthless sand to find some gold indeed. I really always feel very fortunate to click on such a thread once in a while!! This morning was particularly important for me to find such an inspiring journal. I was having a tough time... Now i'm not anymore!
When I started reading your thread today, I was just amazed at how similar our approach and thinking were to deal with our challenges. We use many similar tools to help us in our freedom fight. We have a lot in common I beleive! I am very determined to be as succesful as you in overcomming this addiction. Your journal is the path ahead of me. It's a model for succesful recovery. It highlights the traps and temptations on the way. One could read it and think how scary it is to see the challenges and the pain ahead. I choose to read it a precious map. It does show that even after 6 months, one cannot let down the guard, on the contrary even!! But to me it mainly demonstrate that it is certainly possible to get there and be succesful. I will use your experience as a reference to reinforce my confidence and beliefs.
Take care!!
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