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Post by Covad on Oct 17, 2005 13:27:11 GMT -5
A little more on focus:
Now that I am into my fourth month of sobriety, I am finding it easier to keep my focus where I want it to be. It seems very natural now. I am enjoying aspects of my life that have been neglected due to porn. Life is richer, more cohesive. I am beginning to desire wholesome, constructive activities because they are congruous with who I am becoming.
The struggle to keep my focus away from porn or fear of falling back into porn is fading. I will not rule out the very real possibility that I will see in the days to come, trial and temptation; but I am more at peace about that. That peace comes from becoming prepared. I believe that preparation and fear are inverse by nature. The deeper our preparation, the more fear dissipates.
Covad
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Post by Gewis on Oct 17, 2005 14:08:33 GMT -5
"I tell you these things because of your prayers; wherefore, treasure up wisdom in your bosoms, lest the wickedness of men reveal these things [their evil designs] unto you by their wickedness, in a manner which shall speak in your ears with a voice louder than that which shall shake the earth; but if ye are prepared ye shall not fear." -Doctrine and Covenants 38:30
That's a scripture in the LDS canon. I think it fits well with what you're saying. It's good to see you're now in your 4th month and working on true recovery. You are finding peace, which should be the ultimate goal for all of us. Thank you for sharing.
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Post by Covad on Oct 19, 2005 0:13:40 GMT -5
Gewis: So, what you are saying is that you Mormons plagiarized that concept from my writings? Actually, I'm LDS too. I thought about quoting that scripture myself, but opted to put it in my own words.
Speaking of being LDS, I just returned home from visiting with my Bishop about my addiction. This is the first time in over four years I have done this and I am glad I did. After re-reading Elder Oaks' talk from April conference and President Hinckley's talk from October, I decided I needed to humble myself and confess. My visit with him could not have gone better. He is very supportive and gave some good advice. Confessing will do nothing but help me in my recovery.
Tonight, when I am safely in bed, will end my 100th day of sobriety. Maybe I'll go to bed early!
Covad
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Post by Gewis on Oct 19, 2005 1:41:19 GMT -5
100 days!
Congratulations! Of course, you know to keep doing what's right and not let your success go to your head. That's often been a trigger for many, reaching a milestone and letting down their guard. Seeing your Bishop was an excellent move. Seeing mine is what prompted me to return here, as I agreed to see him again in two weeks and knew that I needed to put the right measures in place to begin giving up my behavior. I've marveled sometimes at how many LDS members are on this board, but I suppose I shouldn't. The reason is obvious. It's good to know, in any case, that I can talk with some people here about this problem within the context of our religious beliefs.
Again, congratulations, and keep up the good work.
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Post by Covad on Oct 19, 2005 15:53:19 GMT -5
I posted this on the general board and want it to be a part of my journal:
Last night completed my first 100 days!
I recently read the post by BlackSpiral where he described his 2 year mark as more of a mile marker than a fulfillment of a goal. I echo those words. 100 days is significant to me because it does represent evidence that I am doing something right. At the same time, it is a reminder that only through consistent, daily recovery work will I see 200 days.
I have learned by sad experience in the past that I need to stay humble and consistent. I cannot afford to even begin to think I have won the war against addiction. I have the tools in place for continued success, I must not abandon them now believing I no longer need them. Additionally, I believe I need to continue refining my plan and searching for new techniques and making new distinctions.
I feel cleaner now than I have in a long time. I feel much more at peace. I feel grateful for the help I have been given; from God, my wife, my clergy and this board. I am grateful to all of you; some more than others, but certainly I believe everyone here has contributed in some way to my recovery. I am very grateful to Wes for creating and maintaining this website. I can only imagine the countless hours he has and does put into this forum. It is an act of pure love on his part. Thank you Wes.
Finally, my fondest hope is that each of us here may retain a fundamental belief, ingrained in our very being, that we can recover from this addiction. If we maintain this belief, we can begin to imagine a life without porn. We develop hope that we will become the man or woman we have always wanted to be. I believe in the God-given ability for each individual to rise above their baser impulses; to gain control of their actions, and live in accordance to their highest values.
Covad
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Post by Covad on Oct 25, 2005 12:34:43 GMT -5
I have found myself rediscovering a passion of mine - Reading. Though I read occasionally while under the influence of addiction, I certainly was distracted more often than not. I am now once again enjoying the pure love and desire for reading. I am able to focus more on it, instead of hypnotizing myself on the internet or television. Though I still watch a program now and then on T.V., I am realizing more and more how much of a waste of time it truly is.
Though I have only a bachelors degree and I am no longer pursuing formal education, I place high value on scholarship and learning. With sobriety, I feel like I am becoming reacquainted with a one of my best friends after a long separation.
Covad
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Post by Covad on Oct 30, 2005 21:03:56 GMT -5
Tonight I complete 16 weeks of sobriety. What I have noticed over the last week or so is that I am getting much better at not objectifying women around me. My mind is healing.
When I started my sobriety in July, I was still struggling mightily with having almost instant sexual thoughts about some women when I would see them in public. By this I mean actual sexual acts. The thoughts would flash into my mind and I would have to immediately work to get them out. This was not a constant experience, but it happened frequently enough to cause me worry.
As the weeks progressed in sobriety, I found that these thoughts subsided, but that I would still objectify by looking at a woman's body parts and shape, imagining what they may look like without clothing. Again, this did not happen every time I saw a woman, but often enough to wonder if I would ever NOT objectify women.
Lately, however, I have noticed that I am looking more and more at the whole woman. I take much more time to look at her face and into her eyes and see the beauty there. I still have stray thoughts; I still find myself at times sizing up a woman, but I can say now that I am returning to a normal, healthy view of women.
It is a process, I know and I am still at the beginning; but it is a process that is exciting and headed in the right direction.
The mind does begin to heal when we put pornography use behind us and journey down the road of recovery.
Covad
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Post by cogito on Oct 31, 2005 8:59:46 GMT -5
16 weeks that is amazing. Although the end of week three is coming up, I still see how my mind has started to heal.
Objectifying women is a hard thing, for me personally I have found great strength in remembering they are daughters of God. It is great to hear that you are doing so well to over come this. I have just started, but feel as though I have made great progress.
Stay Strong Cogito
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Post by Covad on Oct 31, 2005 14:21:22 GMT -5
Thanks Cogito. Keep up the great work, a key to the solving this puzzle is persistence.
Today I had a test of will at the post office (an unlikely place for such a test). I emptied my company's PO box like I do every Monday morning and took the stack to a nearby table to sort out the junk mail. While approaching the table, I saw in one of the trash receptacles a Victoria Secret catalog glaring up at me. I could easily have picked it up and added it to my stack of mail without anyone noticing. The opportunity was certainly there.
Gratefully, though my heart was pounding, I said to myself "NO WAY, I'm not falling into that trap." And I went to another table. I thought about that catalog the entire time I was sorting my mail. I thought about the pain I would experience if I gave in and smuggled it away only to lustfully scour its pages later on. I thought about how far I have come in recovery and how I would be throwing that away by picking it up and looking.
No thanks. I've worked too hard for this. I enjoy being who I am now and am excited about who I am becoming.
Covad
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Post by choselife on Oct 31, 2005 20:01:08 GMT -5
Great job, Covad.
You sure are doing great, really putting in lots of effort, and reaping the benefits.
CL
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Post by Covad on Nov 2, 2005 23:52:04 GMT -5
Thank you CL. I appreciate the support. Today had a an unexpected gem. I was talking with my wife on the phone and she asked me, "Are you being good?" I smiled and answered "Sure am." She then asked, "have you been good?" (she knows the difference in those two questions . I happily answered that I have been good for the last 115 days. After she told me how proud she was of me, she said something that meant more than any praise. She said "It's been great lately because I can trust you now. I used to worry and wonder if you were acting out, now I hardly ever think about it. And when I do, I don't worry because I see you working on it every night." Trust is one of the many casualties of pornography addiction. And the destruction of trust ravages relationships. Of the many reasons I have for being clean, restoring trust in my marriage ranks among the highest. Integrity, trustworthiness, honor - these are worth fighting for. Covad
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Post by Gewis on Nov 3, 2005 3:35:18 GMT -5
I posted it on the other thread you started, but it deserves saying here. I am really happy for you and your wife, and reading about that has just made my day. Thanks.
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Post by Covad on Nov 7, 2005 15:10:05 GMT -5
Thanks Gewis.
17 weeks under the belt.
I must admit right now I am a bit disenchanted by this board. Not that I don't think it is an extremely valuable tool, but it just seems that finding meaningful threads and/or posts is more and more difficult. There certainly are gems out there, I just find it like having to sift through the garbage bin to find the ring I lost - a whole lot of effort and time before a decent thread or post is found. And you may miss many of the truly helpful threads in the search simply due to the time required.
I also echo the complaint I have read from others, that excellent recovery threads are buried amidst the frivolous threads of contention. They are pushed onto page 2 so fast, they never really get a chance to develop. It reminds me of the evening news; the vile news is what gets the ratings, not the positive sort.
Just for clarification, I do not have issue with anyone standing up for their beliefs. I think debate is healthy, and my complaint is not solely with the contentious threads, there are many of other sorts of threads that I find unhelpful. I also recognize that what is unhelpful to me may very well be helpful to another. This board does not revolve around any one person. I just think, as one who has participated on this board for a while, that it is becoming more difficult to sift through the crap.
Covad
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alexp
Full Member
In recovery since July 30, 2005
Posts: 227
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Post by alexp on Nov 7, 2005 15:27:12 GMT -5
Covad:
:)Congratulations for the 17 weeks of recovery, that is very motivating for me.
In the other hand I agree with your post about the quality of threads, you just put into words my own feelings about the board.
Anyway it has been a very useful tool for me, but as days goes by and I gain in sobriety, I see many threads that do not tell me anything new or positive, there are just a few that are really inspiring, but I realize that many people is arriving needing help, and maybe it is there where we can help others in their daily struggle with PA, and post better threads.
Blessings. Alexp
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Post by facinglife on Nov 7, 2005 22:08:22 GMT -5
Well, I just told Abel I'm too tired for supportive words now. But before I lose consciousness, I did want to stop by your journal. I have found it helpful to make the recovery journal section my homepage (at home... : it's the place where I find helpful posts. And otherwise, I just scan for my favorite names! I'm so glad that you've gotten such a great stretch of sobriety under your belt. The fact that you're not being complacent about it, shows me that you're serious about recovery. Take good care, my friend! Johannes
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