|
Post by Covad on Sept 3, 2005 10:53:04 GMT -5
Today's Global Belief:
If I prepare myself, then faith will overpower fear.
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Sept 4, 2005 22:45:33 GMT -5
Today's Global Belief:
I cannot become the man I want to be by remaining the man I am.
Good day today. Day 56 - 8 weeks will be under my belt at today's end. Still vigilant. Still committed. Still determined. Daily personal improvement. Daily recovery work.
I will settle for no less.
Covad
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Sept 6, 2005 13:26:22 GMT -5
Today's Global Belief:
Greater than the fear of the unknown is the pain of never trying.
Last night, I read how a friend and fellow member of this board relapsed after well over 100 days of sobriety. That took be by surprise for a moment. Then I began to reinforce in my own mind the fact that a relapse is always right around the corner. Stresses in life happen. New opportunities to procrastinate will arise. Feelings of pain that result from the idea that I am not living up to my potential are bound to arise. The question is not whether they will occur, but how will I react to them? Am I prepared?
A critical aspect in the answer to this question is optimism. Faith is empowering and can carry the day in many situations, but is dependent upon the daily recovery work that must gird its foundation.
A key aspect of recovery work is self analysis. If I do not continue to probe the relationships between my thoughts, emotions and actions, I will run out of power to fight. Consistent recovery work keeps at the front of my mind the tools I need to be prepared for crisis situations. If, however, I slacken my committment and rest on my success, I will, when least expecting it, find myself confronted with temptation too alluring to resist.
"The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining." - John F. Kennedy
Covad Working on week #9.
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Sept 7, 2005 19:11:00 GMT -5
Today's Global Belief:
If I show concern for and serve others, they will be drawn to me.
I will comment on this later when I have more time.
Covad
|
|
|
Post by choselife on Sept 7, 2005 19:43:40 GMT -5
Covad, You sound consistently great. I'm very excited for you.
Excellent. I have found optimism to be so incredibly powerful. One of my major concerns after losing my sobriety was the impact on my optimism. I am handling that well, as I know that I have made so much progress, but it truly is important that I continue the recovery work with no acting out. Life gets very exciting (even if a bit scary) without the shackles of PA.
Started to read more Anthony Robbins. Can't get too much of the stuff. Even when I don't do the exercises, reading helps nurture my sense of optimism.
CL
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Sept 12, 2005 14:00:53 GMT -5
Today's Global Belief:
Right living breeds confidence.
This past weekend brought two milestones for me. I passed 9 weeks yesterday and 2 months on Saturday. I experienced a quiet satisfaction for this accomplishment, tempered by the fact that I have, on a number of occassions, strung together 3+ months of abstinence. Past performance does not insure or detract from future success, but I have learned some valuable lessons about relaxing my vigilance.
CL: Thank you for your comments. Faith is powerful and serves as a spark plug to future success. Keep up the great work!
Covad Day 64
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Sept 21, 2005 12:41:35 GMT -5
Today's Global Belief:
Failure brings me one step closer to success.
I have broken my daily routine down to the acronym "SPIRE."
This stands for:
S - Spiritual Work (i.e. scriptures) P - Personal Improvement (i.e. Tony Robbins book) I - Investments in my Career (doing something to push forward) R - Recovery Work (i.e. reading and posting to this board) E - Exercise (at least something every day)
All of this work is flanked on both sides by morning and evening prayer.
I love the idea of the word "spire" as it relates to becoming the man I want to become. A spire reaches up toward a higher plane. It majestically points me to where I can go if I pay the price.
I have found that daily adherence to this acronym has helped keep me focused on who and where I want to be.
Covad
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Sept 27, 2005 12:04:19 GMT -5
I am copying the following from the "Inventory" thread because I want it as part of my journal:
I have decided not to watch TV unless I am sitting down to watch a specific show - no more channel surfing. When I lean back in my recliner with my remote and start searching around, that is when I begin having difficulties.
The very fact that I am surfing in the first place tells me I am escaping something. Something I don't want to do or dwell on. And, since my porn use is a simple avoidance mechanism in itself, I naturally begin gravitating toward TV shows that show skin. Once on this path, I find it very difficult to reverse course.
So, no more surfing. And if I am wanting to watch a football game or TV show, I will stay on that channel. Period. (unless of course I am flipping between two football games!!!)
Covad
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Sept 27, 2005 13:09:35 GMT -5
Focus
I love mountain biking, and one of the first things I learned, especially on narrow paths, is to focus my eyes on where I WANT to go, NOT where I DON'T want to go. The bike will tend to "unconsciously" track toward an obstacle when I focus on it. It took some practice at first because my natural instinct is to keep my eye on that big rock or tree root in order to avoid it. I actually had to train myself to look at the unobstructed path instead.
The same rule applies with narrow paths that have a large drop off to one side. If I begin looking at the edge I will gravitate toward it. I therefore must keep my eyes trained on where I want my front tire to end up. Certainly the edge is in my peripheral vision; I am conscious of it, but my FOCUS is on the path of safety.
Of course, this applies to recovery. I occassionaly am confronted with fears of relapse. Focusing on these fears, has in the past, paralyzed me and actually caused me to drift toward their realization. I have found, however, that when I focus on the man I want to become, I can avoid giving way to my fears.
Recognizing a problem is important, focusing on it is dangerous. However, focusing on the solution will steer me away from the problem.
For example, there are times on this board when people I look up to, who have strung together rather impressive lengths of sobriety, have fallen into relapse. My first reaction is fear. My thought is "If it happened to that person, it will certainly happen to me."
Given this line of thought, I begin dwelling on reasons why I will relapse, i.e. I have tried and failed so often, it will surely happen again; or I will not have the strength and determination necessary to remain clean. These thoughts of course, are self-perpetuating in nature. Focusing on the fear, leads me to its realization.
A distinction I have made, however, is that past failure does not guarantee future failure; especially if I use a different approach. Focusing on this fact keeps the fires of faith stoked. Faith allows me to see the path that leads to success. Focusing on that path, allows me to avoid the dangers I can see on the periphery.
This distinction is a tool for me. Fears do arise, but I am equipped now to handle them and put them in their proper place.
Covad
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Sept 28, 2005 22:52:00 GMT -5
[Moved this over from the Inventory thread]
I want to share some of my thoughts about compulsive behavior:
Here is the compulsive (addictive) cycle that we are all probably familiar with:
Feelings of Isolation (things that make us feel alienated or different from everyone else. These are emotionally painful feelings that are deep seated and may not even be recognized until we learn to pay attention and identify them).
This leads to:
Actions of Self-Indulgence (i.e. porn, mb etc. We use this intensely "pleasurable" act to cover or block the pain we feel from our feelings of isolation.)
This leads to:
Feelings of Self-Hatred (We can all relate to this. We despise ourselves for not controlling our impulses. We hate ourselves because we are weak and out of control.)
Which leads to:
Actions of Self-Concealment (We are so ashamed of ourselves that we zealously hide our actions from everyone. We just want to be left alone so we can have more pain-numbing porn).
This leads to even greater Feelings of Isolation so we act out more, hate ourselves more, conceal more etc etc. Thus the vicious cycle continues.
The key to breaking out of this cycle lies in the "Self-Concealment" section. Here is where we break free. We must counter with actions of self-disclosure. We must "confess" for lack of a better term, to another human being (SO, clergy, sponsor, friend, someone) all about our behavior. Somehow, divulging what we have done releases the poisons that infect our soul. It allows the fog to begin to clear so we can think rationally again.
Once we are no longer acting out, spinning around in the cycle of addiction, we are able to start working on what really makes a difference in the long term; RECOVERY!
This is where we really get to the root of our emotional and psychological issues. We figure out what is causing the pain and begin tearing down those faulty belief systems and replacing them with healthy ones.
One belief I think all of us share is that using pornography and masturbating to it will remove our pain and bring us extreme pleasure; thus solving our pain problem. This belief is not a rational one and most of us consciously know it is false. However, subconsciously, our minds and bodies absolutely believe it. There is a link or association between the emotional pain we feel and the pleasure of pornography. We hate the pain and love the pleasure.
How do we change this? We need to re-program ourselves. Every time we feel emotional pain that causes us to want to act out, we need to stop and change our association with porn. I mentally take an inventory of all the pain I feel AFTER I use porn. I think of the self-loathing, the damaging effects on my self-esteem, my family, my productivity, my relationship with God etc. I actually make myself feel the pain.
Overtime I am convinced I will change the association I have with emotional pain and the use of pornography. I am convinced I can change the negative, debilitating beliefs I have about myself into empowering ones.
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Sept 30, 2005 0:04:07 GMT -5
The Tool Belt
I like to think of recovering from this addiction from the viewpoint of a carpenter. When a carpenter first begins as an apprentice, he does not have all of the tools or knowledge necessary to create fine furniture or whatever he is building. However, as he gains experience, he begins to collect the tools he will need. Some tools are obtained but soon discarded for more efficient ones. Other tools, he learns, are very effective.
Along with his growing tool belt, comes a knowledge of what tool to use and when. Over time, the usage of these tools becomes second nature; he barely thinks about which tool to use, he just automatically reaches for it when needed.
The carpenter also understands that his progression will depend on his determination and diligence. He knows he will not become a master craftsman overnight, but if he is committed, he ultimately will be.
In my fight against pornography, I am building my tool belt. I am learning to use those tools. I am no where near being a master craftsman, but I am also no longer an apprentice. I believe in myself and my ability to ultimately master this addiction.
Covad
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Oct 3, 2005 23:00:03 GMT -5
If I could sum up my state of being for the past week or so, I would say I am coasting.
I'm not as excited about my goals as I want to be. I recognize this. I also recognize that complacency has been my downfall around the 100 day mark on a number of occasions.
What I am doing differently this time around, though, is consistent, daily recovery work and personal improvement study. This keeps my mind focused on where I am going.
The lack of excitement is a result of stalling in my financial goals (real estate related). I have been procrastinating making some moves that will start a chain of events that I know will require a great deal of time and focus for at least the next two months if not longer.
So, in its place I have been burying myself in books. This is good in many ways, but it is still an escape mechanism. I worry, however, that books will not be enough and I will eventually drift toward pornography.
Solution? I want to take at least some steps toward my goals, if even small ones This will aleviate some of the painful feelings that arise from procrastination.
I am grateful that I have progressed sufficiently in recovery that I can at least recognize these negative influences.
Covad
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Oct 11, 2005 15:15:36 GMT -5
Today marks 3 months sober. Life is infinitely better without porn.
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Oct 11, 2005 17:48:07 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by Covad on Oct 14, 2005 1:40:05 GMT -5
I am working through Tony Robbins' book "Awaken the Giant Within." I have mentioned before that this book has been a godsend for me. It has helped me organize my self-perception and understand more fully my behavior and thought processes.
My jaw has dropped on a number of occasions while reading this book and I want to share the text I was reading during one of these:
"The only way we can ever feel happy and fulfilled in the long term is to live in accordance with our true values. If we don't, we're sure to experience intense pain. So often, people develop habitual patterns of behavior that frustrate or could potentially destroy them: smoking, drinking, overeating, abusing drugs, attempting to control or dominate others, watching hour upon hour of television, [using pornography] and so on.
What's the real problem here? These behaviors are really the result of frustration, anger, and emptiness that people feel because they don't have a sense of fulfillment in their lives. They're trying to distract themselves from those empty feelings by filling the gap with the behavior that produces a 'quick fix' change of state. This behavior becomes a pattern, and people often focus on changing the behavior itself rather than deal with the cause. They don't just have a drinking [or pornography] problem; they have a values problem. The only reason they're drinking [or using pornography] is to try to change their emotional state because they don't like the way they feel, moment by moment. They don't know what's most important to them in their lives.
The consolation is that whenever we do live by our highest standards, whenever we fulfill and meet our values, we feel immense joy. We don't need the excess of food or drink [or pornography]. We don't need to put ourselves into a stupor, because life itself becomes so incredibly rich without these excesses." (pg. 346, comments in brackets are my input)
Robbins goes on to explain that we need to gain a grasp of our values (what we place most importance on in life). We need to know what they are and how they influence every decision we make. After we decide what values we are currently working under (i.e. love, success, intimacy, security, adventure, power, passion, comfort, health, acceptance etc.) we should then analyze them and decide which ones should stay, and which ones should be thrown out and replaced with better ones.
Without going deeper, I want to comment on a couple of statements Robbins made in the above quote.
1. “These behaviors are really the result of frustration, anger, and emptiness that people feel because they don't have a sense of fulfillment in their lives.”
So, we act out with pornography because we are not experiencing fulfillment in life. This makes us angry, frustrated or empty inside.
2. “They're trying to distract themselves from those empty feelings by filling the gap with the behavior that produces a 'quick fix' change of state.”
It makes us want to run away, escaping to something that temporarily feels good and makes us forget our emptiness.
3. “This behavior becomes a pattern, and people often focus on changing the behavior itself rather than deal with the cause.”
This sounds to me like the difference between sobriety and recovery. Which are we more focused on? Are we more interested in our day count than really getting a handle on who we are and why we behave the way we do? Do we want to change just our behavior, or do we realize that changing ‘us’ will naturally result in a change of how we act?
4. “The consolation is that whenever we do live by our highest standards, whenever we fulfill and meet our values, we feel immense joy. We don't need the excess of food or drink [or pornography]. We don't need to put ourselves into a stupor, because life itself becomes so incredibly rich without these excesses."
This is the crux. If I live by my highest standards (my values), then I will be so happy I will not need or even want to escape to pornography. The beauty of it is, I can decide what my highest values are. I get to decide what is most important and then pursue it. I am in control; not my addiction.
Covad
|
|