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Post by Covad on Feb 16, 2007 23:35:28 GMT -5
Another Reason:
Freedom. Pure and simple freedom.
Compulsion is so repulsive to me. My choices in the past have led to losing my freedom a bit at a time. I want it back.
Agency, the power to independently choose my course, is, in my opinion, the greatest gift in the universe. It is also the greatest responsibility. I have acted my way into my addiction. I must act my way out of my addiction.
Freedom comes at a price. It comes through sacrifice, but ultimately it CAN be re-earned. Every healthy use of my freedom grants me additional capacity to choose in the future. I intend to make right choices.
This may all seem very remedial, but some of the more profound truths are simple and basic.
I want to always be free.
Covad
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Post by Covad on Feb 18, 2007 1:54:34 GMT -5
Today's reason:
The man I envision myself becoming is incompatible with someone who uses pornography or masturbates. Morally, ethically, professionally, mentally - every aspect of the life I want screams in opposition to the filth and degradation of pornography.
I want a healthy, worthy view of women to return. I want control over my actions at ALL times. I want nothing to hide. I want to stand in the brilliance of the noon-day sun and have my soul bare for all to see, and be able to hold my head high.
I want to accomplish my lofty goals. I want to stand on the summits I have imagined.
I want to be close to my wife. I want to love her in every way possible, and to lust after her not at all.
I want purity. I want to stay clean.
Covad
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Post by dj2005 on Feb 18, 2007 4:57:29 GMT -5
i don't know why it's taken me so long to stop by and say hi. i am so glad i did. i like the way you think. thanks for this great journal. i look forward to reading more!
dj
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Post by Covad on Feb 18, 2007 20:35:36 GMT -5
Thanks for stopping by dj2005. I'll check your journal out as well.
Today's Reason to stay clean:
I just sat down with my wife and showed her how to read the reports on Covenant Eyes. I told her the strongest deterrent C.E. offers is not necessarily the fact that she would know I was acting out, but the idea that she could see exactly what sites I was looking at and then go see for herself.
She responded that she would indeed be curious enough to go and see what I was looking at.
Why would this cause me to be so uncomfortable; enough to become a deterrent? Embarrassment is up there for sure, but mostly the thought that she would be hurt because she would compare herself to those women. It would bring home in my mind, the betrayal. I can imagine the hurt on her face right now; and the tears.
So, bottom line: I want to stay clean because I love my wife and I want her to feel loved; not betrayed.
Covad
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Post by Covad on Feb 19, 2007 23:20:29 GMT -5
Today's Reason:
This one may seem shallow, and it alone is nowhere near enough of a reason to not act out, but it is a very real reason, especially coming from a sober mind. Most of these reasons tend to vanish like the morning dew at the day's first light once the porn trance sets in. Put together, these reasons can be a powerful deterrent.
I want to stay clean because of the absolute embarrassment and shame I would feel if I were ever caught in the act, or if I left evidence behind that implicated me.
I can paint a very vivid mental picture of being caught in the act by another person - or even worse, someone I really respect. Addicts often take very good care to make sure they are isolated and private; yet stories abound of addicts who are literally caught with their pants down - what an absolute horror that would be. If I think I have anxiety at times now....that would be unbearable.
Part of the "hypnosis for porn addicts" I downloaded has you mentally envision that very thing - being in the act and then imagining someone we really respect standing behind watching.
This is a very real fear, and if I can foster it while sober, it will play its part in keeping me that way.
Covad
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Post by Covad on Feb 21, 2007 1:49:45 GMT -5
Today's Reason:
I was talking with a very good friend here on this board about how long he and I have been knocking around this joint - 6 years this April - and the question was brought up "Have we changed?"
In many ways, yes; and for the better.
For me, the change is not good enough though.
Today's reason to be clean is simple; it's about time. The endless circle of addiction must at some point become a straight road leading away from the use of pornography or masturbation. Otherwise the benefits from being here are marginal.
In order to progress in recovery beyond a certain ceiling, we must, once and for ever, walk away from acting out. This is what I want. I am proceeding now with faith that permanently leaving behind pornography and masturbation is achievable. I am proceeding with faith that this time is the time for me to turn the circle into a straight, immovable road.
Thank you Black Spiral, Curious Voyager, Geoff, want2Bgood (Todd), Wes and Guy for showing me that long-term sobriety and recovery is achievable. For nearly six years I have watched and attempted to follow these men; now my sincere intention is to join them.
Why not this time?
Covad
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Post by Covad on Feb 23, 2007 1:40:05 GMT -5
Today's Reason:
I want to stay clean because I am convinced that if I do not, I will eventually lose my wife; permanently.
Enough said.
Covad
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Post by Covad on Feb 26, 2007 23:08:07 GMT -5
I am at ease in my sobriety; a peaceful, wonderful time and perhaps the most dangerous.
I am not long into sobriety - two weeks is all - two glorious weeks.
The slip I fear now is slipping into complacency - lulling into the sleep of death.
Momentum alone could carry me another two weeks if I am lulled, but probably not much further. After that I would be left to the mercy of the enemy of my soul.
Tonight, I choose to remember.
How foolish, after my first attempt at sobriety, to think that the apparent ease of the journey is a time to let my guard down.
How utterly tragic, after hundreds of attempts at sobriety, to continue to think that EVER putting my guard down is acceptable.
I have stepped in that bear trap hundreds of times before. My leg is shredded. Perhaps I should rethink putting my good leg in this one.
The bear trap is not my triggers or commercials or catalogs that arrive in the mail; the bear trap is simply laziness. Laziness mixed with hubris.
My biggest enemy is forgetting why I need to fight the enemy; and the pain he inflicts. My enemy waits for me to doze off. He is wise enough to know that frontal attack at this stage of the battle is useless. He lurks in the shadows, waiting for me find a cozy spot, put my weapon aside and close my eyes. This is when he attacks. This is when I am blindsided - and yet, experience tells me I am not blind to it at all. I made another conscious choice to let down my guard. The responsibility is mine; and so is the pain.
Why can I remember the flame's awful sear and remain forever vigilant; and yet a pain more excruciating and a burn more disfiguring born of pornography lures me like the siren's song?
Why? Because I choose to forget.
Tonight, I choose to remember.
Covad
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Post by Covad on Feb 28, 2007 21:08:29 GMT -5
Staying busy doing constructive, positive, high-value activities. I seem to be much more likely to keep my thoughts and actions clean when I am pro-actively moving toward worthwhile goals.
Covad
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Post by Covad on Mar 3, 2007 0:14:48 GMT -5
Excellent day today. I know why I started my new business...it can be absolutely exhilarating. I am so grateful for the opportunity to help others with their finances and show them better ways to manager their money. What a blessing.
I am more and more convinced that a key to my sobriety and recovery is to focus my attention on productive, engaging activities - "anxiously engaged in a good cause." I want to keep my eye fixed on a bright future as opposed to a troubled past.
I am excited and motivated by the journey itself.
Covad
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Post by johannes3 on Mar 3, 2007 10:26:45 GMT -5
Hey Covi!
Excited to see that "III" pop up soon in your signature line ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Great to see how welll you're doing!
Johannes
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Post by Covad on Mar 4, 2007 15:40:44 GMT -5
I am reading the book "The Adversity Advantage" by Paul G Stoltz, Ph.D. and Erik Weihenmayer.
In it, Dr. Stoltz says:
----------------- "What do you consume during the off hours of your day or week? How much of what you watch on T.V., surf for on the web, read, or do is truly nutritious or enriching? What portion of it is simply scintillating, alluring, undeniable mind candy?
When you are in the doctor's office, do you pick up National Geographic or Popular Science to learn something new about the world, or do you grab the slick gossip or fashion rag, just to flip through and kill some time? Do you spend travel time learning, conversing, playing, singing, pondering or creating? Or do you knock off the latest pulp fiction, watch mindless DVDs, or thumb twitch through a video game to up your score?
The more time and effort you put into making life numbing, the weaker you become in facing up to adversity, and the tougher it is to embrace adversity's force and harness its vital fuel.
Covad
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Mr. Clean
Full Member
Clean since 05/03/07
Posts: 190
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Post by Mr. Clean on Mar 5, 2007 3:52:37 GMT -5
Hello Covad!!
Great to see that you keep up the fight! It's really a tough one. I got myself a bit lost these past few months, but:
Mr. Clean is BACK!
I hope to journey by your side towards freedom! I've been back there and really, there is no other option!
Stay Clean!
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Mr. Clean
Full Member
Clean since 05/03/07
Posts: 190
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Post by Mr. Clean on Mar 8, 2007 0:32:25 GMT -5
Hello Covad,
You must be very busy with your business. I hope all is going well. You're close to your initial 15 day target!
Stay clean!
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Post by johannes3 on Mar 8, 2007 13:09:24 GMT -5
Hope all is well, Covad. I'd like to steal your one-week countdown method in your signature line.
Peace,
Johannes
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