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Post by johannes3 on Feb 11, 2007 20:56:35 GMT -5
My dear friend,
Don't isolate now. And don't be fooled into thinking you haven't made any progress, or that long-term sobriety is impossible.
Many blessings,
Johannes
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Post by Covad on Feb 12, 2007 0:26:19 GMT -5
I am seriously considering Covenant Eyes. I now work from home and it is much more feasible. It can also serve to help us keep an eye on our children's online activity.
My two primary sources of porn is the internet and late night T.V. Looking back at my behavior over the years, I very rarely have ever gone out and purchased a Playboy magazine unless I was already deeply into internet and T.V. porn. I am very unlikely to just go out and buy one right of the bat. If I can control the internet and T.V. gateways, I can put a major dent in my behavior.
I am a bit conflicted about Covenant Eyes however. I have professed in the past the belief that the only real control is self-control. I have scoffed at filters etc. Perhaps I can keep this treasured belief by realizing that I am ultimately choosing to put constraints on myself, which is in essence self-control.
My lingering doubt about C.E. however is whether it will mess up any of my work related activities. I have an on-line securities trading platform I use for my business and I am concerned that it may interfere. I wonder if anyone out there has experienced any problems as a result of installing it.
What is prompting all of this? I spent that past two late nights masturbating to internet porn and T.V. porn. I had the opportunity and I took it.
I'm not giving up though Johannes. To give up is to die - perhaps a slow death, but death none-the-less.
I choose life.
Covad
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Post by Covad on Feb 12, 2007 19:41:59 GMT -5
I purchased and installed Covenant Eyes today. My wife is my accountability partner.
I also told her about my troubles over the weekend.
She said looking back she should have seen it coming, based on my behavior and past experience.
It's not her responsibility though. It is mine, pure and simple. It always is.
Now is now. I will do all I can to stay clean now.
I think Covenant Eyes will help.
Covad
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Post by johannes3 on Feb 12, 2007 21:46:16 GMT -5
Covad, This is splendid news!! I'm very impressed. Just one more suggestion: is there a way to avoid the TV when your wife is out of town? (I guess she can't just take it with her ) Peace, Johannes
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Post by Covad on Feb 12, 2007 22:02:59 GMT -5
The T.V. is my other issue. When she leaves out of town I can have her lock my Dish Network with a password. That would be impractical on a day-to-day basis however. I think I will start by locking specific channels that have caused my trouble in the past. Additionally I will have her lock me out of Rated R movies or shows with nudity in it.
Certainly there will be holes along the way. But it will block out the vast majority of my options.
My last remaining concern after installing Covenant Eyes is my PDA. I have wireless internet access on it and C.E. doesn't have software for that, so I could go to porn websites on it.
I'll have to give that some thought.
Thanks for the suggestion Johannes! I hope you are doing well.
Covad
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Post by Covad on Feb 14, 2007 12:34:08 GMT -5
T.V. - officially blocked. Internet - monitored by my wife.
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Post by Covad on Feb 14, 2007 12:35:53 GMT -5
Copied from a thread I posted to on the general discussion board:
I miss the little innocent boy I used to be too. I miss the purity of thought he used to have. I miss being able to look at a woman, any woman and not think degrading thoughts.
I miss trusting people and only seeing the good in them, even when I saw them do bad things.
I long for the days when I was a teenager, who, though I had lost some innocence, was still wide-eyes and wondering. I was fascinated by the beauty of young women. Primarily their inner beauty. I loved them. I remember the sweet infatuation and adolescent crushes. I remember caring deeply and purely.
I even long for my wedding night (13+ years ago). I was still innocent enough to have no idea what I was doing - absolutely no idea. I was a virgin and so was she. She was radiantly beautiful and I loved her for who she was - not for what she could do for me sexually. I still do. I'm just not as innocent anymore.
Pornography change all that. It changed me.
I know some of that innocence is forever lost. I guess that happens to everyone, addiction or not. I just hope and believe I can regain some of that innocence. Maybe just enough.
Can I tell you another reason why I want to change? Something that scared me to the core?
Saturday night, my wife was out of town and I went to bed after acting out in my living room while watching T.V. and looking at internet porn. I fell asleep, and was woken at 2:30 am by the sound of one of my kids sobbing. I knew fairly quickly it was my 11 year old boy. He is an emotional young man. Strong, but emotional.
In my grogginess I lay there hoping he would stop so I could go back to sleep. He did not stop, he only got worse, so I got up and went to his bedroom.
In the darkness, I consoled him and asked him what was wrong. He blubbered that he had been awake for 5 hours now and hadn't been asleep yet. His mind would not turn off. He just kept thinking. He was worried because he knew he had to get up early the next morning.
Panic hit me. Did he see? Did he quietly walk into the living room and see what I was doing? Is that the real reason he is crying? I remember, when I was an innocent boy, walking into the living room and seeing my dad watch a movie with nudity and sexual content. I remember finding a Playboy in his night stand when I was 10. Look what I have become.
Selfishly, I started asking him if he had been getting up and leaving his room at all. He said no. I asked him if he was sure, "did you get up and use the bathroom or get a drink?" "No," he said, I've stayed in bed the whole time.
He's generally an honest boy, so I was relieved. Yet, I can't help but think that maybe he really did. I doubt it, but maybe.
How absolutely horrific. Even the idea that I would put my own children at risk like that makes me want to puke. Do I want my sweet, innocent little children to be burdened with the same addiction I have? Do I want them to lose their innocence and their faith and trust in their father because they walked in on me acting out?
Do I want them to grow up like me?
God forbid. Not this addiction. Anything but that.
Why have I chosen to neglect the protection of my children? Did I "want to?"
I was selfish to the core. Pornography is selfish to the core. It doesn't care who it destroys - and last weekend, either did I.
I chose to do what I did. My actions have twisted and scarred the innocent little boy I used to be.
Now; from now on, I choose to spare my children. I choose to preserve their innocence for as long as I possibly can. And for damned sure I will not be the REASON for their loss of innocence.
Covad
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Post by Curious Voyager on Feb 14, 2007 12:57:49 GMT -5
My last remaining concern after installing Covenant Eyes is my PDA. I have wireless internet access on it and C.E. doesn't have software for that, so I could go to porn websites on it. I'll have to give that some thought. I'm quite certain you didn't mean thsi the way you wrote it. As, I'll have to give some thought to putting porn websites on my PDA.
OK tecknogeek--you work at home now--what the hell ya need a PDA for? Just remember that CE, password blocks and all that are stop=gap measures at best.
The real work is intercranial.
If porn goto wall, if porn = y exe banghead on wall if unconsious end
Only internal programming--lets call it recovery.exe will help long-term
Manup and get porn free!
and I do sense some coddling interaction between a couple of folks here. u no who u r
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Post by Covad on Feb 14, 2007 13:29:13 GMT -5
No I didn't mean "I'll have to give some thought to putting porn websites on my PDA." That wouldn't take too much thought The only control that really matters is self-control. I get that CV. OK, no more coddling. And yes, I still "need" my PDA. (I'm out in the field with clients at times Translation: Hell no I'm not getting rid of my PDA. I'll just have to CHOOSE not to use it for porn RE: coddling. Some people can't seem to handle it straight, so I coddle. I suppose some people coddle me for the same reason. I actually appreciate it when I am handled with straight talk. Maybe at the chance of offense I should do more of the same for others.
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Post by sadgirl on Feb 14, 2007 13:52:23 GMT -5
Covad - just a quick note on CE - we've had it on all of our home computers since November, and no one in the house has experienced any problems with it interfering with other installed software. Aside from the little icon in the bottom tray, we hardly notice it's there. My BF is a computer nut, and if it were causing problems with any of his stuff, he would certainly speak up about it.
Good luck to you.
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Post by Covad on Feb 14, 2007 14:02:27 GMT -5
Thank you sadgirl. I haven't had any problems with it yet either. Looks like it will do the job.
Has it worked to help your husband stay away from porn?
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Post by Covad on Feb 15, 2007 21:12:45 GMT -5
Another reason I want to recover...
Because 10 years ago, the 19 year old Playboy playmates that I looked at last weekend, were nine-year-old little girls.
I was 25 years old 10 years ago and had been looking at internet/playboy porn for a couple of years.
I now have a beautiful, innocent, pig-tail-wearing little nine year old. She is my only daughter. She is one of the loves of my life.
Will I still be looking at and masturbating to 19 year-old Playboy pinups 10 years from now when my daughter is 19?
Will I be looking at girls then, that are my daughter's age now?
That thought alone makes me want to VOMIT!!
And stay clean....
Covad
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Post by choselife on Feb 16, 2007 5:33:54 GMT -5
Hi, Covad. This question may appear out of the blue, but here it is. When you feel triggered to use P, what painful thoughts are you typically running away from? I don't see you talking about those things on the board (although I could have missed it), but rather see the focus on different motivational strategies. I think that both are necessary. What are your thoughts on that?
CL
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Post by Covad on Feb 16, 2007 11:39:17 GMT -5
CL,
You're right, I have been focusing on motivational strategies.
The angle I am coming from is that trigger is not as important as the choice.
Not that analyzing and preparing for triggers is not important at all. I think it is. We should be cognizant of our feelings and surroundings.
I just think right now, my primary problem is allowing myself to not care anymore. I began to distance myself from real consequences.
Looking over my behavior for the past six months or more, I see that I need to re-focus on the pain that comes from acting out. I need to focus on how wonderful life is when I don't act out. I need to remember the pain acting out causes others.
CL, I got to the point, where even though I could recognize that my mental and emotional condition were ripe for a relapse, I still didn't have enough reason or desire to not use porn.
For example, this last relapse; I knew very well that I had been under a lot of stress and anxiety due to my career change. I knew I was particularly susceptible because my wife was out of town. I even reached out on no-porn for that very reason.
The problem was, I didn't remind myself of all the pain that comes with acting out. I didn't remind myself that acting out was counter-productive to the goals I have set myself. I didn't remind myself of the pain my wife would feel - or the damage porn does to women in the first place.
Like the old saying goes: Give me a strong enough "why" and I'll can do any "what."
I guess, the bottom line is, I am just shoring up where I think I am the weakest right now.
Thanks CL,
Covad
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Post by Covad on Feb 16, 2007 11:48:43 GMT -5
CL,
To answer your other question, though...what painful thoughts am I typically running away from?
Recently it has been procrastination mixed with anxiety that I won't have what it takes to succeed in my new business.
Putting off doing the most important things for my new career is a major source of anxiety. Of course, if I would just work on them, that anxiety would go away.
Bottom line is, I just need to learn to deal healthily with these very common, very human emotions. And part of that is reminding myself why porn is NOT the solution.
Covad
P.S. I hope your recent temptations have passed.
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