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Post by LookingUp on Feb 2, 2006 18:18:53 GMT -5
When my husband does not respond to my truth I feel insignificant because it isn't acknowledged. When my husband does not respond in any way to my honesty, I feel devalued. Watchit Creole, your expectations are surfacing. Great insight and I've been thinking about it. For me, I think part of it is unrealistic expectations; but part of it is the co-D because I do not yet believe my own validations. Thus, I guess that means the self-trust isn't zooming sky high YET. I had an online friend one time tell me that me behaving in one way and expecting everybody else to do the same was a bit selfish. I was so angry at her that I didn't go back to that board for days. I didn't see myself as selfish; I just expected people to have the same courtesy I did. Eventually the anger waned and I realized that FOR ME, it was a pride/selfishness issue. Because I took the time to do xyz; then I expected him to do wyz instead of jkl. That may not be for you - just sharing my story. My ex and I tried to use percentages. I made twice what he made and since I had to dress in business suits and nice dresses - he was supplied uniforms from work free of charge; he drove one mile to work and I drove over an hour each way so my gas was lots more. I felt I should get the same %. It was an ongoing issue that we never settled. Until we got two mortgages, my current husband and I both took a specified allowance that was equal dollars. He brings in 98% (or more) of the money but anything we make goes into the family account but we both have an individual account for our allowance. We both liked that method. I know how fortunate I am that my husband and I have similar money management and spending styles. Sounds like he's still in the denial stage. That must really be difficult for you. Unfortunately, the only one we can change is ourselves. Sometimes I'd like to unzip my husband and reprogram him with all the good stuff I've learned here, in counseling and reading so he'd grasp things like that; unfortunately, I can't find the zipper! Any ideas where it is? I know Data of StarTrek:TNG had one. That use to bother me; but my counselor and I spent many hour in counseling discussing that. Now I just shake my head and go do something that makes me happy = where I can't see his pouty tantrum. What's funny - is just like a mommy with a pouty kid - when the "audience" is absent, they get over their mood. Or else I just miss the show. Now his moods don't seem to last as long. My counselor said what happens is he got pouty in the past and somebody always came and "fixed" him; me leaving him alone with his pout (or anger, or frustration, or......) made him have to face the fact that the emotion was still there after my presence wasn't. He had to learn to do something with it instead of waiting for me to make him feel better. The first few times he was more angry, agitated, pouty (whatever mood) but it didn't take long and he learned how to find his own serenity. He's typically an upbeat, laid-back optomist - so staying pouty for long was against his nature. Have you read the book "Five Love Languages"? That was such an eye-opener for me. www.fivelovelanguages.com/ My husband's main expression or language to show love is "acts of service" and I'm a "words of affirmations." Everytime he'd go do dishes or clean the bathroom or fold laundry - I thought he was showing me I was incompetent and I'd get angry at him for doing "MY" chore and he'd be frustrated and upset. After reading the book, now I can chill out and tell him I appreciate what he's done and feel loved by his acts of service. He no longer gets annoyed when I'm commenting on his big shoulders, his deep voice or his sense of humor but recognizes that's how I show him I love him. Plus, now I know if I make him a cup of coffee or lay his clothes out for work - he knows I'm talking his language and that it's out of my normal responses - so it's doubly special to him. Of course, in your case, it could be the "honeymoon phase." Sheesh. That is plain rude. Anger to tears is NOT self-pity. Glad you're treating yourself as special; because you ARE special. Take what you want and ignore the rest. Or as we use to say, "Eat the hay and spit out the sticks." LookingUp
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Post by creole on Feb 9, 2006 10:35:59 GMT -5
Thanks LU for the response. The perspectives from you and JN (as well as others) always help me refocus and makes me think "outside the box".
I took a self-imposed "time out" since my last journal entry. My last posts were the product of highly agitated emotions. Although it helped to commit my thoughts, feelings and emotins in writing to this journal, I still had to express them to my H.
After more self-examination and thought, I must confess--I believe that I am probably a SA as well. Although my behaviors didn't involve compulsive masturbation, cheating on my husband, internet porn, according to what I've read in Kasl's book, "Women, Sex and Addiction"I do have SA tendencies all tied in with the co-dep issues. More crap to address and wade thru. Don't be disheartened Creole, remember that you're building a better you.
In an effort to get past the stalemate with H, over the weekend, I did initiate discussions with him about various matters. The most important thing that I shared with him this past weekend, was I told my H that even though I didn't "act out" like he did, I believed that I was a SA myself and that I needed to talk with the counselor about it. I again told him that I was sorry for my past misuse of sex to control him and to punish him and to get my own sexual satisfaction. H was speechless and he has yet to respond to that confession.
Also, in one of our discussions, I shared with him why I hate to clean up the kitchen and why I won't mow the lawn. I love to cook and to work in my flowerbeds, but I hate to clean the kitchen and I will not push a lawnmower. As a child, those were two of my many chores--as the oldest child, I was the one my parents delegated chores too first and as I grew older, they just added to my list. My issue? The fact that my parents did not assign chores to my brothers and sisters like they did to me and I resented that fact. Anyway, I shared that fact with my H. His response: "Well hell, you were just being rebellious". Anger, seeing red anger. I took a deep breath and walked to the porch to smoke a cigarette and to collect my thoughts. I went back in, looked him in the eye and said, "I am very angry at your response to what I just shared. Your remark was very judgmental. When I want to share someting with you, I need you to validate my feelings, not judge me. When you respond to me with judgemental remarks like the one you just made, I become angry and I am less inclined to tell you anything in the future." H apologized the next morning and told me that he was sorry that he had been judgmental and now that he was aware of what he was doing, he'd try not do repeat it; I thanked H for the apology.
H has written me a note telling me that he doesn't feel safe with me. Sigh, I've asked him to elaborate and to share with me specifically why he feels that way. Nothing yet. Another thing to discuss with the counselor this evening.
More later
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Post by LookingUp on Feb 9, 2006 10:55:30 GMT -5
Wow, I commend you on your openness and bravery. I'm still hiding my sexual co-d from my husband - even loaned the book to a friend to keep him from reading it. At the place where my husband is now, I don't think he's capable of being empathetic, understanding or compassionate. I think he'd just use it as a way to step on me to make him feel better about himself. I guess I feel like the guys who don't want to tell their spouse, but not sure. Maybe I should start a thread?
I'm glad you've admitted your truth - that's the first step to working through it. Hooray for you!
LookingUp
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Post by creole on Feb 10, 2006 10:41:25 GMT -5
Good session with my counselor last night. She told me that she was amazed at my growth and my clarity in identifying my issues with H and expressing my feelings.
We discussed the continued boundary issue and I owned that I was responsible for my own frustration because I had not followed thru with the consequenses. I told her that I shared with H that the one thing he needs desperately is for me to trust him again. I told her that on some levels and with some issues, there is no question of me trusting him, but on other levels, the trust issue is a big one. I told her that I shared with him every time he violates this boundary, he adds another brick to the wall of distrust that was erected on Revelation Day. I told her that H had apologized and told me "it won't happen again" and that I had accepted his apology but wasn't gonna buy that bill of goods from him again and didn't have to. I told her that I'd been sleeping on the sofa since then. She agreed that these statements were not sufficient, she validated my feelings of frustration with his continued violation of my boundary and asked me what I intended to do now. I told her I knew that I was going to have to reconsider the consequense of the boundary violation and that I would have to communicate that to him. I told her that I planned to have him repeat it back to me and she agreed that would be a good thing to do. We also discussed H's statement, "I am so tired of you threatening to leave me if don't do what you say. You're co-dependency is surfacing, you're controlling me". I told the counselor that I reminded H that I could leave at any time--it could be for any reason from the boundary violation to the fact that I need a few days to think about things, and that H could leave as well. Counselor affirmed that statement and said that H really doesn't want me to leave, that is his greatest fear.
I expressed to her my frustration that H does not appear to be putting forth much recovery effort, that he is just contented to let the status quo remain. She said that he has become complacent and he is not motivated to continue recovery efforts because he is not feeling any pain. She told me that my growth has been tremendous, and that he will either grow and join me on the journey and repair our relationship, or he won't and if he doesn't grow, we won't be able to maintain the relationship. She said that when he feels the pain again, he will move forward with his recovery again. Counselor told me that she could see how much stronger I've become, that I am not controlled by fear of financial security, fear of being alone, fear of displeasing him, or fear of what others will say.
We discussed the Carnes and Kasl's books that I've read since our last session, and then I told her that I believe that I too have SA tendencies. We discussed how some female SA's don't act out like male addicts do, but their behaviors do constitute sex addiction. I told her that I had admitted that to my H and that I had apologized to him for my past actions in misusing and abusing sex with him, and for contributing to his own addictions, and I told her that he had not reacted at all. Counselor told me that a new SAA group had formed in an adjacent town and were meeting weekly. I told her that I thought it would be beneficial for me to join that group. I also told her that my online support Board had been instrumental in helping me.
More in a bit. . . .
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Post by LookingUp on Feb 10, 2006 12:42:07 GMT -5
Great post, Creole. Your counselor sounds like a definite keeper - that you two work well as a team.
I loved her insight of "he has become complacent and he is not motivated to continue recovery efforts because he is not feeling any pain." That really hit me in the solar plexis. I make my husband too comfortable and that puts me in discomfort.
I'm with your counselor - I can see tremendous growth in you. Way to go! Growth is painful, but I'm starting to discover that the growth helps us work through the pain so it's gone; where if I'd just stay complacent that I'd be stuck in the pain with no light at the end of the tunnel.
LookingUp
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Post by creole on Feb 14, 2006 22:33:21 GMT -5
A few days off. . .painful days. I wrote my H a letter on Friday (at his request) and gave it to him. He was pissed off, distant and not very nice to be with. Sigh, when does the real H step up? Anyway the letter addressed the boundary violation, my feelings about our realtionship and how disappointed I was in his lack of recovery efforts. I slept very badly Friday pm, stayed up most of the eveing watching movies on TCM (BTW all of which were GREAT!) One of the things which I told him in the letter was that I had NO EXPECTATIONS OF HIM! Boundaries were in place and they'd take care of me. He was free to choose, to be who and what he wanted to be, but my boundaries would suffice for me. I told him that I was at a fork in the road and he might or might not go forward with me--I was prepared to go on without him He popped of "Well what if I decide to leave first?". I said "that will be your decision and I will respect it.".
On Saturday, short of sleep and patience, he wanted to discuss. We did talk. His trust issue? He was all knotted up @ the pot and having on our property. I told hm that he wasn't moving forward in recovery, he was using it, and that I was not gonna wait around for him to (expletive) or get off the pot while he let me work on myself, I expected him to do something for HIMSELF! I told him that I was tired of "sharing" with him only to get judgments or silence. I didn't have to stay in a realtionship where I gave and received not and I wasn't gonna settle for that anymore.
H did agree to get rid of the smoke, to give it up. H said that the smoke wasn't more important than our relationship. Hummm,, makes me wonder sometimes.
Since the weekend, I'm dealing with grumpy, pissy, needy SOB. Consequences Creole, consequences.
I am good.
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Post by creole on Feb 15, 2006 10:56:41 GMT -5
My letter submitted to my H Friday pm. In earlier journal entries, I wrote a long letter to him but I never gave it to him. I used parts of it in this one which I did give to him:
Hi Deere, A few weeks ago, you asked me to write you a letter. In many ways, its harder for me to write my thoughts than to say them to you although I try to share verbally with you each day. I feel that you give more attention to the written word than the spoken ones. With that in mind, I will share some of my thoughts and feelings with you.
First off, I do love you. I have a history with you that my body and soul will never forget, nor do I wish to forget. One of the truths about the reality of love that I learned from my relationship with XXXX, to whom I totally gave my heart, is that you can love someone truly and deeply, but not be able to live with them. Love is not infallible simply due to the fact that it is created by very fallible humans. At times love can be (and is) strong and real, but it can also be harmful and painful. I am trying to be as patient and empathetic as I can, as I struggle with my own emotions and issues and try to purge my own demons. So many times you’ve told me that I had a bunch of (expletive) to address. Well, I’m addressing it. There are times when the dammed co-dep part of me wants to assume all responsibility and guilt for what has happened and to do whatever it takes to make you feel better. My inner critical voice screams to me that I’m so bad and guilty for my actions which have caused you to feel and to behave this way, etc. My struggle to change my behavior hasn’t exactly been a stroll in the park, its been difficult, painful and it’s a long way from being over, if ever.
I also truly believe that the man I fell in love with (and whom I still love) is still there–the handsome, sensitive man who is so intelligent and talented and who shares so many of the same things that I enjoy and love. I admit my difficulty and struggle to reconcile the man I fell in love with the alter-ego I discovered in May. In 1977-78, I chose YOU to be my partner on the road of life and I made a promise to you. You know how I feel about promises–I don’t make them very often because I do not like to break them. However, neither of us is the same person that we were 28 years ago and I’m learning that promises to myself have a higher priority than any others.
I know that you are angry at me, frustrated with me and disappointed in me. Last night, XXXXX told me that one of the things you had repeatedly mentioned that you wanted from me was for me to be more intimate. I’m trying, I’ve made a conscious effort to open up and share my stuff with you even before XXXXX mentioned that last night. Every time I share my feelings, its because I’ve pulled back another layer from myself and its important that you know why I behave like I do, or why I feel like I do. I’ve learned that if you don’t address what makes you feel like you do, why feelings make you behave as you do, its all for naught. I’m working thru my issues and I can see tangible results from my efforts but I have a long way to go. You’ve told me that you are uncomfortable around me. I admit that sometimes I have difficulty liking myself so I do understand if you don’t like me either. I am changing and I acknowledge that you might not like the me that emerges from all the BS baggage that I’ve toted all these years.
You know, we have both changed in the last 9 months, and each of us will continue to change as we grow individually thru our respective recoveries. Although it is very hard for me to do, every day (sometimes many times a day) I acknowledge that I am powerless over your behavior and your choices, and turn this over to my Higher Power. At times, it is very hard for me to do this because I really do want to take that option from my Higher Power, but it really is best that I leave it with Him. Reality check time. In facing my fears and my reality, in some matters, it is very difficult for me to trust you with the same blind faith certainty as I did prior to the “Revelation” Day. As a result, that hole in my heart has been slow to heal. The brick wall of distrust will always be there, and even if it is eventually reduced to rubble. . . the wall can go back up. I sense your brick wall of distrust although you have not clarified your trust issues with me. I am ready to hear. The elephant is in the room, please don’t ignore it.
In one of our conversations regarding boundaries, you once stated that after all we had gone thru all those years of being married without any boundaries, you didn’t see any reason to change that. I disagree. I now have a better understanding of boundaries and how they are a barometer of choices-consequences. You have set boundaries and consequences in your dealings with XXXXXX, you have set boundaries and consequences in your work. You set a boundary with me about my checking account and you set another earlier this week–I cheat on you, I develop a gambling addiction, you will divorce me. Simple. I understand and I respect that boundary. I know what the consequences will be if I choose to violate it. Why do you see boundaries as control? They are not about control, they are about choices and consequences. I know you are very unhappy about the boundary I set, that you see me as controlling you. I tell you now: my boundary was set because I need it to feel safe, not to control you, not to judge you. You have to be your own person. When we discussed this the other night, you poured off such a tirade of bitterness, you projected your own thoughts and feelings. I didn’t call you any words, I didn’t judge you, you did that to yourself, and it made me sad to see you doing that. If you can’t respect my boundary, I deserve to know it and you should be honest with me. The turmoil brings me no peace either. My inability to enforce the consequences of your violation of my boundary is my own problem, one which I must resolve. After I do my own soul searching and make my decision, it will be my responsibility to communicate with you what the consequences will be and then you can make your choice. Boundaries are not about controlling they are about choices and the consequences.
I know that you are frustrated and unhappy about my choice to sleep apart. I am not doing this to “punish” you. One of the consequences of our past reactions to prior “blow ups” between us is the attitude (on both our parts) of just “get over it and get on”. I was wrong to assume that you would take what I’ve shared with you and that you would understand I need to sleep alone. I need to understand why I used sex with you for the wrong reasons, I abused you, and I need to come to grips with my shortcomings and address how I can avoid repeating it. I have some serious self-examination to do. There was time when I’d have been back in the bed weeks ago because it was important to the “co-dep me” that you be happy even if the choice made me unhappy. Hell if I really wanted to be co-dep, I would have seduced you and used sex to medicate my own anxiety and fear and as proof that you really do love me. Sick and twisted thinking huh? I am trying to get better. If I am to be honest with myself, and to respect myself, and to be honest to others, I simply can’t allow that kind of mental thinking to dictate my choices anymore. Not that your happiness isn’t important, it is, but if making you happy will be at my emotional expense it is not a good choice.
I know that you’re probably shocked at my admission that I believe that I too have sexual addictive tendencies. XXXXX and I discussed this last night and we will discuss more in the future. I am so sorry that I misused sex to control you, to punish you or to get my own sexual satisfaction. I was wrong to treat you like that, and I know that my behavior probably contributed to your own addictive issues. In my brain at that time, sex equaled love, it affirmed that you loved me. Skewed co-dep, SA thinking. Facing the truth about yourself, you actions and acknowledging them is so painful but it provides another opportunity for growth and improvement.
As for the resumption of a sexual relationship between us, don’t know what else to say except that I still have feelings and issues to work thru before I can allow myself to be sexual. Human sexual needs and desires are very powerful, emotionally and physically, but neither of us is out of recovery. I must work thru my conflicting emotions, guilt and shame because of the way I sexually misused and abused you.
You’ve told me that you don’t feel safe with me, that I make you uncomfortable. If I make you uncomfortable, how would sleeping in the bed with you make things better? I do appreciate you sharing this with me, but I would like for you to expound and be a bit more specific. If I don’t know what is making you feel that way, I can’t address it or change it. You want me to be more gentle with you. Does gentle mean patient? Does gentle mean complacent? Does gentle mean subrogating what I feel is best for me to make you happy? I admit that I might not be the most tactful person, but I am being truthful and honest and it is not my intent to hurt, punish or manipulate you. Yeah, I’m in a bit of turmoil too. I feel like I’ve been communicating with you, I’ve been making the effort. I think perhaps you need to work on communicating with me a little more. Are you REALLY addressing your stuff or have you put it on the back burner till something causes it to simmer and boil and shakes up the comfort zone?
As you have stated in the past, one good consequence of the disclosures of “revelation day” is that both of us were forced to choose. We could have chosen to stay were we were, as we were, and just destroyed each other with accusations, anger and retaliations. We could have chosen to stay where we were, as we were, and just maintain the ‘status quo” for our families and friends. We chose to begin a journey both into self and with each other. I believe that for a portion of that journey, we have shared the same path. However, as in any road, there will be times when it will fork, and based upon our individual choices of what is good for us or what we can or cannot tolerate from the other or ourselves, we must journey alone. I feel that the road has forked, that I am at the crossroads--I am traveling a very lonely and difficult road to a final unknown destination which may or may not include you. As I travel my road, I pray for courage and strength because I know that without them, my efforts will be for naught. I say the same prayer for you. I’m working hard on myself, for myself. Bottom line: You be the person you want to be and I will be the person I want to be. Either of us may decide that we can’t continue to share the road and the journey with the other. If it happens that way for you, I pledge to honor and respect your decision, and I ask no less of you.
I love you, and I always will, but in our dance of 27 years, I lost myself as your happiness became my higher power and when I tried to break free, all we did was live in a state of constant anger, turmoil and pain. I must find who I really am, I must be self-sufficient, make decisions from strength and what is best for me, not out of weakness or fear or guilt. I will not live with myself the way I was before I began my journey. I know that you might not like the end product, and if you don’t, you need to be honest with me and tell me. Sometimes I do not like your choices, or your behavior but that does not mean that I don’t love you. What is the saying, “hate the sin but love the sinner”? I know you can say the same of me–you don’t approve of my choice to continue smoking, you don’t like the fact that I drink too much, you know the list as well as I do. I know you love me and you expect me to change and I suspect that you believe that when I change, everything will be just fine. I don’t think so. I love you and I want YOU to continue to grow and change. Its frustrating for me to share my thoughts and feelings with you and not get validation or acknowledgment; its frustrating to be patient while I wait for you to share your thoughts and feelings with me. I understand if you choose the different path that forks from mine.
I am giving you a gift--no more expectations from you. Expectations set me up for disappointments which turn into resentments which transforms into anger. I can’t do that anymore. I will tell you my boundaries based on what I feel is good for me, I will share with you the consequences, I will let you know my preferences but I am turning loose of expectations.
For me, the reality of the old relationship that died last May is that I wasn’t happy, you weren’t happy and neither of us could progress, nor was the relationship progressing. Now, in spite of the pain, I see that in many respects the destruction was a positive thing–that relationship was so damaged by both of us that it was beyond repair. If the new relationship between us is to last, I believe that we both have to heal and become autonomous, independent, self-loving individuals. We must both be emotionally strong and stable, and grounded in the reality of ourselves, what we will accept and what we cannot. You simply deserve better and so do I. To settle for less is simply cheating ourselves.
You have made great strides in your abstinence, in your recovery. I can see that you are no longer anxiety ridden, you are no longer depressed, and its wonderful to see you free of those demons. You can slay a few more.
You are free to choose, as you have always been free to choose.
I love you.
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Post by creole on Feb 15, 2006 11:14:19 GMT -5
Just posted this to a thread on the General Discussion Board and want to save it here: I know I'm late in posting, but yesterday was just another day, as was our 28th wedding anniversary in January. Its difficult to become excited about such a special holiday with all its emphasis on love, flowers, gifts, etc. when your relationship is struggling. Since I "gifted" my H with no expectations, I didn't expect anything and when I didn't receive anything, I wasn't disappointed. As something special and nice for him, I did fry chicken for him (his favorite meal) and bought him a card and a box of sugar-free chocolates as a Valentines "happy". H's response was to snip a comment about me working later than usual and his supper being late and that chocolates were a no-no on his Atkins diet. Sigh, I just smiled and said thanks for your input. Did it hurt? Oh for a bit. . .to not even receive a thank you for doing something nice when I didn't have to certainly hurts but it wasn't enough to make me lose my serenity or happiness over it because I did what I did to bring him happiness. The fact that he rejected and complained wasn't about me--it was about his own unhappiness.
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Post by LookingUp on Feb 15, 2006 21:13:34 GMT -5
Beautiful letter. Thanks for sharing.
LookingUp
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Post by creole on Feb 16, 2006 22:10:35 GMT -5
Ahh, the hurt, the pain, the toxicity, the venom, the trolls. . . .
Its hard enough to endure this from a relationship with someone you love, much less from those who post in anonymity on an internet message board.
When will the deflection of pain, the deflection of collective guilt and anger from others EVER end?
I WILL move forward with a course that I think is best for me. I don't care if anyone asks or wants my opinion. What is MY opinion worth? It is only important to me.
I thank God every day for the wisdom, the support and the love of those members of this Board who have helped me. Without them?
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Post by creole on Feb 21, 2006 10:14:04 GMT -5
A little absence, time for more soul searching, more effort at relationship recovery. Don't know if any progress has been made.
How do I feel today? On another post here at the Board, someone wrote about "emotional divorce". Perhaps I am at the emotional divorce stage. We live in the same house, we share joint expenses but we don't really share any emotional or physical intimacy. After recognizing my own SA tendencies, I realize how I used him, how my behaviors played into his addiction, and I cannot go there again. I want to ask him if he recognizes that he used and abused me physically.
On Friday when I returned home, H had written me a letter and in it, he requested some "quiet time" to reflect on what was going on with him. I gave him his time, no requests of him; I have been very busy coordinating an equine event so his request didn't raise any red flags. However, one statement of his did raise a red flag and causes me concern and sadness: H wrote to me that he was disappointed because our bookshelf didn't have any books on repairing relationships. H said that he really wasn't sure that all Carnes said is good--he is basing that theory on the fact that Carnes quoted Kinsey, Carnes is basing his research on faulty documentation. Damm his rationalizations, damm his attitude. Hell, he is now discounting the theories and work of the pioneer in sex addiction studies. Ain't that just peachy? What part of "you gotta fix yourself first" doesn't he understand? Anyway, with that in mind, it was pretty easy to detach and to leave him alone for the weekend. He preferred to play his guitars and watch the Daytona 500. I find it interesting that he still has expectations of me. . . .H expects me to cook (even if I don't want to cook or to eat what he wants). H expects me to complete the tax return, but wants to keep all the $$$ (that's his money deprivation demon surfacing). I gave up expectations of him, and I feel much more serene for doing so. Our counselor said that he had become complacent in his recovery, that he wouldn't move forward until some sort of pain forced him "outta his box". It is becoming more difficult each day to wait for him to move out of his comfort zone, to watch him convince himself that he is "just fine" while he continues to judge me for all the (expletive) that he thinks I'm not dealing with. Granted, he has improved from where he was last May, but so have I. I asked myself, "what if he does decide to leave first? What then Creole?". I am not kidding myself, I know it will be painful, but if that is what he decides I also know that I will survive and move forward with my life. I am in a better financial position to care for myself, I am in a better emotional state, and understand my own motives, behaviors and feelings better than I ever have.
Although I have visited the Board each day, I haven't posted to any threads or to my journal. My last journal entry kinda summed up the way I felt. That kind of BS doesn't help my recovery on any level. Better to use my own quiet time to further my own progress.
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Post by LookingUp on Feb 21, 2006 11:35:38 GMT -5
H wrote to me that he was disappointed because our bookshelf didn't have any books on repairing relationships. If he was so disappointed then why didn't he go order some books on that topic? Sounds like addict verbal dance to avoid changing. It would be nice if they would gift us back with the same wonderful gift. Unfortunately, that's unrealistic. But that comment makes me wonder if even though we've tried to give up expectations - how many still remain just because we were raised in a society with expectations? Such as his "women cook" and "men eat" thinking; to him that may not be an expectation because it's as natural as "gravity pulls things towards the ground" in his thoughts and he may not recognize that as an expectation. Which may be why I'm having such a struggling giving up making love involves interc0urse; because that's something I was taught when I was 7 and got the birds and bees talk - saying making love doesn't include that is like telling me that gravity now flows uphill. It's hard to change that deep of expectation. I can so relate. It seems our counselors are taking opposite tactics. Mine keeps telling me that I have to detach that I can't change him; it seems like yours saying that if your husband has pain he may change. I like the hope your counselor gives you. But it is a two-edged sword because having that hope doesn't mean it will happen. At least where my counselor holds no hope - then I know it's me who has to adapt. What a statement of personal growth! Way to go! How did the equine event go? or has it happened yet? LookingUp
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Post by creole on Mar 3, 2006 15:36:11 GMT -5
Just a quick post to my journal; can't believe its been over a week, but my schedule has been very demanding. Priorities right now are the changeover from old to new employment. I've checked the Board but really haven't stopped to reply or post. The "time out" has been good for me, in that I have focused more on myself, rather than others. Its very difficult for me to read so many posts from newbies and to not reply, but I've had to spend time really examining my own SA tendencies and my hypocritical and judgmental co-dep behaviors. Yep, I said hypocritical and judgmental. NOT proud of that at all, time to eat a slice of humble pie. Its really difficult to go thru each day, and not let your opinion become a judgment of someone else's behavior, choices, etc. Damm, that's been difficult but I'm working on it. Gifting my H with "no expectations" has been very liberating as well. Since giving up the expectations, its easier to turn his recovery over to him. Don't get me wrong, I haven't stopped encouraging him, but I don't get angry if he doesn't read the Carnes book, or work on himself. That's his choice--and he is fully aware of where I'm heading. I have no expectations of him, and when he does something nice for me, ie, brings me dark chocolate for a snack or a bouquet of flowers, or go for a walk with me and the dog friends, it feels good. On one level, I know he is trying and I always validate what he's done. I do wonder, however, how he will interpret "no expectations" while I'm gone, ie, is he gonna smoke the pot in the house, will he act out either with or without porn? Is he gonna write another fantasy essay and delete it before I return home? Does this mean that no expectations gives him a green light to actually step out of our relationship with another person? Ahh, that dammed co-dep Creole refuses to "go quietly into that good night", but the attemps to regain control are less frequent, and I'm able to regroup and find stronger emotional ground. Remember Creole, it was your gift to him and to yourself. No expectations means no disappointments, no resentments, no anger. Someone might think I'm behaving like an ostrich with its head in the sand, but I find I have developed more personal serenity and emotional strength since I've done this; I refuse to live as a tormented co-dep Creole again. I feel pretty solid and confident but you know how life is--tomorrow is another day. I've continued to work thru the Kasl and Carnes books that I have; each morning (and sometimes each afternoon) I carve out about half an hour to read a portion of the book, consider how the information applies to my life and then move forward thru each day with a more self-centered and positive outlook. As for my H, well, he's my H. We are conversing more, but he is not as forthcoming with his feelings and emotions as I am. We've had several discussions about my new job and the changes and adjustments that each of us will face. I am concerned about H's emotional state when I am gone for a week. He didn't sleep well on Tuesday pm, awakened at 1:00 am and didn't go back to sleep. Same mental state that has plagued him for years, and, in the past, would have been a surefire trigger for him to act out. He told me what was going on with him (he got a +++ for sharing that with me) and it was encouraging to have him share that with me, because, in the past, he would have just clammed up and kept me in the dark, causing the co-dep Creole to go off into an emotional guilt and control frenzy. I was proud because I didn't let his depression trigger the co-dep Creole. I hugged him, I looked him in the eyes and told him that I was sorry that he was struggling with these emotions and feelings again, that I loved him, that I hoped he could search his emotions to see what was causing him to feel the way he did. It helped. I felt I empathasized with him, yet I did not sacrifice my own serenity or my own well being. He and I have also begun emailing each other affirmations, and we've started reading the daily devotionals from relationshipweb.com/odat/index.html. Some days, the devotions are more on target that you might imagine. It may be a week or so before I post again; not sure what the policy will be on the new computer I will be receiving but will see. Peace, blessings and serenity to anyone who reads. . . .
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Post by LookingUp on Mar 3, 2006 15:52:22 GMT -5
I said hypocritical and judgmental. NOT proud of that at all, time to eat a slice of humble pie. Its really difficult to go thru each day, and not let your opinion become a judgment of someone else's behavior, choices, etc. Damm, that's been difficult but I'm working on it. I know that feeling. When I did my 7th step, all this old judgemental and critical stuff came up. I still at times expect others should act like me in any given situation and am surprised when they don't - but it doesn't make me feel less for them like it use to. What really helped me is when I wrote my own definition of humility - took me days and my O.A. sponsor kept sending it back with holes in my logic. Eventually I got one and it helped me put everybody on an even playing field - we're all part of a circle of humanity instead of me moving people up and down the ladder of where "I" thought they belonged. Like I was God or had such authority. Much more relaxing that way as I don't have to be vigilant to keep an eye on others. Now, If I could get there with my husband! Sounds like the pay-off from that choice is outstanding! My counselor always says when I can make a growth step that it will cause a domino effect in all of my relationships. Your statement seems to prove she's right! You let go of expectations so now he's free to meet more of them! Weird how that works. What a wonderful, loving, validating thing to do for each other. Awesome! God bless, LookingUp
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Post by creole on Mar 4, 2006 14:58:57 GMT -5
Thanks for the response LU. :-)
I will probably be absent from the Board for the next few weeks, but will try to post when I can. I begin my new job on Monday. . .excitement mixed with a bit of apprehension. The fear factor can't be discounted. . .leaving the safety of a secured position to venture into something new and different always brings that emotion into play. That emotion is not consuming me, but it is there. Just acknowledge it Creole, feel it, and go thru with a positive outlook! Don't know what the company policy will be on the laptop I will use for work, plus, I will need to learn how to access internet from hotel rooms. Add to the apprehension, the sadness of leaving the best work situation and a boss who is a true prince. He and I have shed our tears, and we've celebrated my success. He was, and is, 100% supportive of my career change, and that in and of itself is a blessing, but that doesn't make leaving the old job any easier. Remember Creole: ". . .every new beginning is somebody else's end". Circle of life.
Speaking of hotel rooms, my time there will best be utilized by reading and continuing to work on my recovery. As I look back to the situation and place I was in back in May 2005, I do see how much I've changed and how the change has been positive change. Not that I want to be complacent--my journey will never end as long as I draw breath. The changes I've made in myself were long overdue. . .I'm really happier with myself, more comfortable with Creole than I've ever been. I've forgiven myself for so many things in the past, found ways to affirm the beauty of my soul and learned to live each day with self-honesty. I stepped outside of the self-imposed co-dep box, and I'm a better person for all the pain that came to me because of my H's addiction. Without discovering it, I would have NEVER changed my thinking, my outlook, my behavior, or my life.
God is good to me every day. With His help, I am the best Creole I can be every day.
Peace, blessings, serenity and joy to all who read!
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