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Post by working on LIFE on May 19, 2005 18:07:12 GMT -5
I am ready to begin this process of healing again. I started to really have a hard time about a month ago, but I must stop this agonizing pain in my heart.
And although I know this is a place for me to come and write my thoughts and to not expect alot in return, I'm going to need alot of support so please feel free to say anything that you'd like. I don't expect alot since it didn't happen for me before. But with or without anyone else, I will conquer this addiction.
I guess I'm 2 hours into my healing....
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Post by kalel1971 on May 20, 2005 0:01:05 GMT -5
Good luck man, I'm starting today so hopefully we can both be strong in our struggle.
Be strong my brother and let me know if i can help in anyway.
Kal.
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Post by hard2quit on May 20, 2005 0:42:15 GMT -5
I'll support you! I'm here for the first time today and know that we all need to support each other. As much as I feel like I'm not in a position to support anyone because I feel so disgusted with myself....I will still say that YOU CAN DO IT! We can do it together...all of us. Stay strong, 2 hours becomes 3, then 4, then 24, and so on. Take it one hour at a time.
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Post by working on LIFE on May 23, 2005 10:27:52 GMT -5
Well the weekends over, and it was kinda stressful. I'm back to 20 minutes or so... give or take.  Maybe if I start telling everyone else that they can make it.... then maybe i'll start to make it. But that'll have to wait because i'm in a class all day so I don't have time to do that now. Over the last 2-3 months though things have been a little bit better, from every day to just once, sometimes twice a week. I guess thats a start. So have a good Monday everyone! Kalel -- Like the pic, How did I get so consumed by Smallville! Live for Wednesday nights, but now I must wait till fall. |
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Post by working on LIFE on May 24, 2005 14:19:37 GMT -5
 ARRRGGHHHH 2 mornings in a row, I'm falling off track here. Too much stress, way too much. I'm surprised I don't have high BP. I finally gave in and got a bigger size waist in my jeans! That sucks... bye bye 34" hello 36" and i'm sure by christmas i'll be in a freakin 38. According to a certain book, i'm obese! help Tonite Maggie(1 of my blk labs) gets a bath and then we'll go on a walk. Took her to the vet saturday cause she's losin hair! Skin alergies.... $77 later she gets meds twice a day, my poor girl. We need to walk everynite, if only I could just... make it happen. like alot of other things, if only I could... make it go away! The P, the MB, it's just not any fun anymore. Tomorrow's another day. I'll start again Happy tuesday everyone
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Post by working on LIFE on May 25, 2005 13:23:10 GMT -5
Today will be a good day. So Far... So Good!
I'm about to run and have lunch with my wife! I also just read one of the posts on the partners forum. wow For some reason it really hit me hard, I guess it's hard for us to know exactly how hard (our addictions) are on our faithful partners. I never really knew. I could say that I would think certian things, but I never really knew. I'm kinda at a loss for words right now so I'll write more after lunch when I have a little more time to think.
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Post by working on LIFE on May 25, 2005 17:33:01 GMT -5
Well.... another slip
Why? Why do I contiue to "slip"?
Somethin about that Paris Hilton post I think. had to go look. of course I did wait until after lunch, not that it really matters. guess i'll try a minute at a time approach.
HELP
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Post by working on LIFE on May 26, 2005 11:14:46 GMT -5
Today I'm going to survive. I'm listening to some old Russ Taff... Not Gonna Bow to those idols. my desk is a mess, maybe i'll get it a little bit more organized. No, not maybe. I will organize. 11:00am Not getting anything done because I'm still on here, reading posts on the partners side. It's a little much... (starting to get an ideaof my destructive habits on the people that mean the most to me) 
After reading some of those I don't think I'll have a problem today. I am going to read at least 3 topics a day from the SO side, I think that will help. |
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Post by working on LIFE on May 27, 2005 11:41:26 GMT -5
Be with me today God, I need your strength.
Where should I begin? How ‘bout my birthday is coming up. The 28th, I hate having my b-day on Memorial Day weekend. My sister e-mailed me and asked what we were doing for my “special” day. So I told her, didn’t hear back from her so I called her last night. “Oh I’m sorry Darren; we’re going out of town.”
Ever since I moved back to Oregon in ’98 they go out of town on my day. I’m sorry if I inconvenienced you dear sister by being born towards the end of May. So I am having thoughts that basically I have no family here. Except my wife. I know she loves me. I really miss the family I do have, they are in Nashville, and would I ever love to move back. But the in-laws are here, and unlike part of mine, that family is pretty close.
Now on to the second thing on my mind, some may remember in previous journal attempt that I mentioned we (wife and I) have been going to the fertility specialist as we have been unable to conceive for almost 5 yrs now. So I’m thinking A LOT about how cool it would be to have a little one in my arms…..
Thirdly, my “career”. I’m considered self-employed, which means I don’t make any money so how can I pay for another IVF attempt. I need to get my heart back in my “job” I used to sit here, look at P, then MB, then “try” to get a few things done for a couple hours, then look at P again and do it all over again. Sometimes 2, or 3 or 4 freaking times a day.
My mom just called me, feel a little better. My wife called too, made me a DR. appt. for some anxiety medication.
Now I forgot what all else I was going to write… oh yeah, going back to the second thing up above, which coincides with the 4th thing. My MB addiction, with the P and yeah I’ve taken it outside my marriage too. But that’s for another post.
The daily MB I think has played a major role in my poor quality and low counts. I think when a person MB’s every day, more then once they deplete the supply. And that is what I have done. Of course, yeah it only takes one, but I have so accustomed myself to MB that when I’m with my wife I rarely if ever even have an orgasm. So I’m hopin that as I QUIT the MB, my time with my wife will improve. I’m sure it will, I just have to conquer this addiction
I’m tired, and I really need to get my desk a bit organized. So…. Help me today God
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Post by working on LIFE on May 27, 2005 15:44:01 GMT -5
The support i'm getting here is just freakin awesome! Can't believe I've gotton som many replies! But I must remember, I'm here for me... So it was kinda expected. Anyhow, I did take a "peek" today. So I'm pissed at myself for that, but I did not MB... so it's kinda a good day for that. Now i'm goin to talk to the doc about my anxiousness. Happy birthday to me tomorrow and to everyone else.....
I'll still wish you a happy memorial day weekend!
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Post by working on LIFE on May 28, 2005 11:22:00 GMT -5
Well, talked to the doc yesterday. He gave me some Wellbutron... something like that anyways. Started it today. Got home last night and recieved a small package from my mom, she sent me a couple CD's, one from the Hillsong church in Austrailia. It's awesome, haven't turned it off. It really helps me be in a better mood when I listen to music that worships and praises God. My wife's family will be here soon to be with me on my birthday, I think the plan is to open my gifts and then head over to spirit mountian casino for lunch. My wife got my the slingo cd from the oregon lottery, it's cool. Today should be a great day for me. I don't think i'll slip.  Happy 3-day weekend to all. |
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Post by gerry on May 28, 2005 22:51:26 GMT -5
happy birthday!
stay sober...
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Post by working on LIFE on May 30, 2005 23:02:36 GMT -5
Thanks Gerry, what a weekend, more to come tomorrow...
Today is 5 full days!
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OnMyWay
New Member
We're gonna make it after all.
Posts: 40
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Post by OnMyWay on May 31, 2005 0:44:40 GMT -5
Focus on the good instead of the mistakes of the past... I've noticed hormonal changes of late.... withdrawal symptoms? haha. Fight your primal instincts! Day 15 -OnMyWay |
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Post by working on LIFE on May 31, 2005 13:16:06 GMT -5
At the end of today, it will be 6 full days with no MB… I have to remember though I did peek on Friday so it’ll only be 4 days without P.
My mom sent me a couple cd’s and I’ve not stopped playing them yet. I just put them on my puter….
You broke the night like the sun, and healed my heart with your great love
Any trouble I couldn’t bear, You lifted me upon Your shoulders
A love that’s stronger, Love that covers sin, and takes the weight of the world!
Today is a good day. For me, for you
Thanks OnMyWay for posting. It really does mean alot! Hope to see Day 16 and beyond.
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Maybe if I start telling everyone else that they can make it.... then maybe i'll start to make it. But that'll have to wait because i'm in a class all day so I don't have time to do that now. Over the last 2-3 months though things have been a little bit better, from every day to just once, sometimes twice a week. I guess thats a start. So have a good Monday everyone! 
ARRRGGHHHH 2 mornings in a row, I'm falling off track here. 
