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Post by working on LIFE on May 31, 2005 18:02:34 GMT -5
I made it! YAY! Forgive me for being happy. But I am. 6 days is a acomplishment for me. I feel like writing thanks to a list of people like you see inside a CD or something... I'd like to thank..... everyone blah blah blah haha
To Jesus, without you life means nothing! I could go on and on here, the last few days have really awakened my Spirit again!
To all who have posted, your thoughts and words of encouragement can make the difference
To my loving wife, why I ever hurt you like I did I'll never understand. But understand this, the first day of the rest of our lives begins today. I will be more thoughtful, more caring, and will love and cherish you even after my last heartbeat. You are beautiful to me.
Thanks to all the SO's who have given me insight on how my actions have spoken louder then my words. Today is the beginning of a process i'll call Life Change.
If I was a Doctor and a PA came to me i'd say, read Psalms 103 and call me in the morning.
See you on the other side of the night!
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Post by working on LIFE on Jun 1, 2005 15:49:55 GMT -5
Temtations are trying to get me today.... help me God!
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Post by working on LIFE on Jun 1, 2005 17:51:33 GMT -5
Well.... another day and I can call it ... halfway successful. I took a few peeks at some pics then decided to get out of the office. Went and got a big 44oc pepsi and took a short drive. I did not MB so I'm going to ad it to my number of good days as that is my main priority right now. tomorrow's another day... I'm sure it'll be better then today!
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Post by working on LIFE on Jun 2, 2005 10:23:01 GMT -5
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Post by working on LIFE on Jun 2, 2005 17:49:34 GMT -5
8 Full days..... no mb.... and only 2 of those days did I take a "peek" at some pics. not too bad i guess.
thats all for now....
tomorrow I think I will begin my story... that should be fun.
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Post by choselife on Jun 2, 2005 18:02:30 GMT -5
Keep on hanging in there. The temptations will pass. Focus on doing things which make you feel good about yourself or are fun or relaxing, all having nothing to do with P. Look forward to hearing your story. You are fortunate to have a wife that you love very much, as I do. She deserves nothing but the best that you have to offer. Maybe do something especially nice for her, as giving to others is often one of the best ways to get your minds off giving in to P.
CL
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Post by Troublehalved on Jun 2, 2005 19:49:56 GMT -5
No-Vice
It is not “doing it” that sets me free, Nor is “not doing it” that saves my soul; Both are irrelevant, apart from He Who is the only One can make me whole. The key to life: take every chance He gives To build your dreams, whatever is your vice; Give to your loved one that for which she lives: Your love, in every way – no strings, no price. Then slowly, you will find God grants release From guilt and shame, for He has centre stage; The past powerless to pierce your inner peace, Kindness to self replacing inner rage. Sitting on Jesus’ lap, sharing your pain, The Son will shine His Promise through the rain.
Musicmaker
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Post by working on LIFE on Jun 3, 2005 12:43:05 GMT -5
Well today for me, not to bad. Only working till 12:00 as my wife decided to only work a halfday. Which brings me to....
She started reading a book last night, not any book. An Affair of the Mind by Laurie Hall. I guess it's time to open all the past pain up. Got to sleep late last night because I needed to be there, I haven't held her like that in quite awhile. I hope she knows I love her. I hope she realizes how sorry I am. Last night she asked me to help with the dishes and laundry, the two things I hate doing. But I did it, I didn't help her, I did it myself! I just kept asking her if there was anything else for me to do. I felt like I needed to do things for her to make her feel better. I've been trying to leave her msg's at work so she has a good day. I miss her this morning,
Today is a good day, Day 9 and counting. I don't remember the last time I slipped over a weekend. And since I'm picking her up from work in 90 minutes, I know i'm good thru Sunday. Today, 9 days, Saturday 10, Sunday 11.... Monday will be hard for me, I already know that. But I must survive, I can survive, and I WILL SURVIVE.
On a good note, I got some work done this morning. Needed to get three things done, GOT 3 THINGS DONE! My desk is still a mess, I'm thinking, in an effort to bring us closer and since she likes to organize things anyhow, this weekend my wife will come to the office with me and help me organize my desk. It'll be fun!
CL - My story will come, it'll be long, more then one post i'm sure. But it will come. Thanks for the encouragement. IT IS SO MUCH APPRECIATED!
Musicmaker... Cool Poem. I'll be printing that one out.
9 days and counting!
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Post by working on LIFE on Jun 6, 2005 10:45:31 GMT -5
Well, day 12 didn't start out so good.... I'm back at day 0.
My goal now is to make it to the 25th. That's our anniversary. It's only 19 days away. I think I can make it.
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Post by working on LIFE on Jun 6, 2005 17:36:46 GMT -5
I must remember, tomorrow is another day.
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Post by working on LIFE on Jun 7, 2005 17:23:50 GMT -5
<sigh> Tomorrow's another day.
The first time looked at P.... I don't remember, just that I was probably under 10. I think I was 12 when I saw a P movie. Anyhow, my dad had some magazines in his den, which he kept locked when my sister and I were there, but I knew they were in there and I was curious so I found the spare key. When we were with dad, i'd sleep in the "treehouse" alot during the summer. Had a neighbor friend who would come over and we'd browse the magazines together. Mostly playboy, but there were a few penthouse's in the stack.
Before I turned 18 (when I could buy it on my own) I couldn't wait to visit dad, and take a couple magazines home. I'm sure he knew where they went too if he looked for them, but he never asked me about it. There was a time or two when I'd take a magazine to the treehouse for later when I'd sleep out there, somehow he knew and he'd replace it with an American Rifleman mag. (from NRA) Have to admit I was one pissed off little kid! What right does he have to take away porn from a kid! Anyways, I'd get over it. But the flame had started. I'd look at anything, ads from the Sunday paper.... Victoria's Secret, i'm sure i don't need to go on there. One time my mother decided to clean my room..... she found some mags under my mattress. At the time I figured that would be the end of it. My stepdad took me to the (of all places) grocery store to throw them away. At this point you'd think some-one would have told me to stop, it's dangerous, it's a bad life..... but no one ever really talked about it with me. I already knew, but my stepdads mom was the "birds -n- bees" story teller.
Then I turned 18, it was finally legal for me to buy it! WOOHOO I thught. Then it wasn't as exciting for me. I probably had a couple months where I stopped completly. But the flame was still there, and since I had no money, I started stealing magazines. I knew the stores where they wouldn't be behind the counter. I am also at this time at a Christian University, failing my classes i'm sure because I had been so pre-occupied with my PA, not realizing it was such an addiction. With no one to talk to (not realizing I had a problem) also never really having a GF until my early 20's, pretty much a loner with nothing to occupy my time, except good ole P. I did start a relationship with a girl there, who was absolutely stunning, but for some reason.... prolly the PA, just could not pursue anything really serious. After that I did start another relationship which was more of a sexual(but no sex) relationship then anything. Big attraction but I was too scared, I didn't know what to do, just couldn't do what I had been looking at for the last 8 years.
Mind is tired, write more another time.
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Post by working on LIFE on Jun 8, 2005 17:54:20 GMT -5
Well, I made it today. No P, no MB. 1 down.
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Post by working on LIFE on Jun 9, 2005 11:04:56 GMT -5
Right now, I'm feeling angry.
DW asked me some tough questions this morning and it made me upset. And she now thinks she ruined my day and that i'll do it...
I won't, I can be strong and make it day 2. I'm angry though, something that i'm sure will pass with time as I open up more. I told her I was sorry for being upset and that I know she'll have questions and need answers. I'll be honest. I'll be honest. I'll be honest. And I know I may get upset. But I WILL NOT FAIL AGAIN!
Must not let the Anger/Frustration win.
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Post by working on LIFE on Jun 9, 2005 17:05:44 GMT -5
One more hour and i'll have 2 days down. I started feeling better this morning. Frustrations left me and I got some work done. Desk is starting to look pretty good is I say so myself! ;D
Went and had lunch with my wife, she gave me this letter.
Letter from my wife…
Dear ______ Just have a few thoughts I wanted to share with you. With all the little things I’ve been finding out lately, I’ve been feeling a mix of emotions. I’m trying very hard to deal with the big picture and to know that all these things are factors. I realize this is as hard for you as it is for me. I want to be there to support you. Some of the things are a complete shock to me, but as I read the book (An Affair of the Mind – Laurie Hall) I know I’m not alone and things will get better. When I asked you where you thought our marriage was and you said “I don’t know”, I thought maybe there’s still time to change things around. Maybe you need some extra support, one on one maybe. I feel in my heart that you really want to overcome this now – never felt that before. As much as it may hurt me I will have questions and I will want truthful answers. This is a major problem and our society promotes it.
I would like to have a family – I feel my tie is running out. I want the best possible future for any children we bring into this world and I want there dad to be healthy and enjoy life with them. As for us… I’m still giving you 110% At times, I don’t know how I do it, but it’s there.
I just ask that you continue to be open and honest with me as we work thru this and get on with life. We’re young and have our whole life ahead of us. Lets make it the best we can. Remember the “odd” couple at Denny’s? We’ve put our marriage to the test the last 5 years. Lets make the next 5 years more enjoyable and memorable.
I know as time goes on the physical part of our relationship will get easier and more enjoyable as I trust more and let barriers that are protecting my heart down. I don’t want them to be there, but am so afraid of being hurt again.
I hope this letter is not making you think I don’t care or just like to ramble on and on and can’t move forward. Its just my way of getting some thoughts out. I am who I am and you knew that when you married me. We’re a good match who happens to be struggling with a very common problem. I know it won’t be forever.
I guess as far as doing things at work (P/MB) I would wish if you have the need, to be more private. I don’t want you to jeopardize your job.
Well I guess I’ve said enough for now…
Love you, ____
One more hour.....
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Post by cflanders on Jun 9, 2005 18:41:56 GMT -5
That is a very supportive letter, I believe. How do you feel about it?
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