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Post by Disillusioned on Nov 23, 2007 20:18:22 GMT -5
this is an incredible thread in so many ways.... growth change hurt struggle.. it's what this board is all about
mamalama you said >>"What do you think of when you look at those girls? What are the thoughts, the words that go through your mind?" That thought, that one thought, is the one that cuts most deeply into me, and although your wife may not yet have asked it, the question may be on its way.
i truely believe that for my husband the answer was zero. i don't think he had any thoughts. it's not about thinking. it's not about 'oh she's hot'.. there were no words. i think it was a physical reaction he was looking for and when he got it, there weren't any words in his brain at all
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 23, 2007 21:57:22 GMT -5
I think my husband was wanting the chemical brain buzz (erototoxins) so he could avoid reality and numb emotions. I think he continued going back to porn not just for the brain-chemical buzz but because he wanted to feel powerful, needed and sexy.... and live in fantasy that he was a hot grandpa who was not growing old and hadn't always lived his life moral and upright. . . he just forgot that what he was doing with porn was not moral and upright because society told him differently... that all guys did it and it wasn't THAT bad. He bought the lies - hook line and sinker.
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mamalama
New Member
"I have a feeling that as long as I joust, use swords, and avoid the color pink, I'll be all right."
Posts: 14
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Post by mamalama on Nov 24, 2007 0:42:58 GMT -5
I suppose the reason I look for words is because being female, I tend to have language associated with my feelings of pleasure, not just images, and not just sensations. And the thought of my husband thinking about what he'd like to be doing with her--in words and images--just goes right to the pit of my stomach. I do not know if other females have the same reaction.
This is why I mentioned the thought to Witness. If his wife's wounds are so raw and she is beginning to ask for details, she may ask that question, and it may be one of the most difficult to answer--unless, as has been suggested, there really are no thoughts involved. Hard for a woman to believe, maybe (we really do have rich and vivid, fully developed fantasies when we have them), but that may be the truth.
Again, Witness, your determination to set things right is admirable. I pray you remain strong and do not lose faith in your wife. I am sure she will come around. Unlike some SO's, who say they love their wives but refuse to give up their pictures, you have been showing your wife what love means. Continue to be the excellent model you are to all who would like to make their lives, and the lives of those who love them, better.
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Post by witness on Nov 24, 2007 5:23:51 GMT -5
Last night my wife and I went out to eat and had time to talk some more. She asked if I was still posting in here and I said; "Yes, but not many people reply. I guess our situation now has gotten to be the same ol, same ol." And now I come in here this morning and I've had a host of visitors. Welcome! I still need you. You are my therapists.
Mamalama (interesting name), I wish I were the great role model. My sins have proven that is not the case but it is never to late to try to right what was wrong. Thank God for that. My wife also gets very angry/hurt when she thinks about me looking at those girls. At least in my case I have to say I did think about how pretty and inviting they are. Always ready to have me drop by. I see it now as a very selfish thing. Just me wanting what I want because it makes me feel good and gives me a rush. It also make me very ashamed.
Yesterday morning she said to me: "You have sought this out everywhere we ever lived!" I told her it wasn't quite like that but I confessed that when I ran across it I rarely resisted going in to see what magizines they might have and take a peek.
Then I told her something I shouldn't have. I said something like: "Have you never done anything wrong? Why is my sin so much darker and unforgivable?"
That wasn't fair because while she would like to forgive me she can't just pretend this never happened and keep all her feelings inside. You ladies have told me to be patient. She has only known for three months. So in actuality she is making good progress. It is unfair to me to put pressure on her to stop bringing up the past and to stop talking about what I did that has caused her so much pain.
Last night at supper she said she feels good about the fact that now when she thinks about me looking at P she doesn't feel the intense rage she felt at first. Now it is still a very deep pain, but she doesn't lash out at me or want to hit me. That is a big step forward for her.
Then in the car as we were driving back she said something that made me feel very good. She said she is proud of me and the steps I have taken in recovery and my commitment to working at this and remaining pure. What an incentive to keep it up!!!!
She is the best!! I've always told her that she is God's gift to me. And in spite of all my unfaithfulness in my thoughts I always meant it. Now, after she has shown her willingness to stick by me, I love her more than ever. She is so much more than I deserve! So I just say: "Thank you, Lord! Help me live a life that is pleasing to you. Help me show her how much I love her in my words and in my thoughts and in my actions."
zt, I'm still working on the "why". My wife also brought that up again at supper last night. So far my best answer is because I was believing various lies. "Like: This is not all that bad. I'm not hurting anyone. I need this. I have a high sex drive. It just happened, I didn't really want to look. I'll never do it again."
One thing we both have seen is that I am a much more emotional person than I let on. I have seen myself as a strong, rational, level-headed, controlled man. Yet this sin reveals another side of me. A needy, weak, fragil, out-of control boy. Yesterday my wife said this has also be hard. Hard for her to try to see me as who I am, warts and all, and not as who she thought I was. I need her hugs. I need to be held. I need for her to tell me she loves me. I am emotionally needy.
At least now we can talk about some of these things and get them out in the open.
Well, I wrote a chapter for somebody's book today! It is a good thing you ladies don't charge by the hour. I'd have a huge bill to pay.
May everyday be a day of thanksgiving for you and for me!
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 24, 2007 8:44:02 GMT -5
Then I told her something I shouldn't have. I said something like: "Have you never done anything wrong? Why is my sin so much darker and unforgivable?" I'm also on a board for Christian wives and we often remind each other that none of us are without spot or defect - all of us have sinned and fell short of the glory of God. Maybe we didn't betray our marriage vows - but none of us is as lilly white as we wish we were. Reminding ourselves that we've missed the mark in our own walk is often very healing - it helps us recognize we're all in the human, fallen condition and haven't arrived yet. At the other board, we eventually discover that most of us wives have fallen into the sin of pride - by comparing our walk with our husband's and coming to the erroneous conclusion that we didn't mess up as bad as he did. As if pride and one-upmanship isn't just as deadly spiritually. The Bible says, “Pride is as bad as the sin of worshiping idols.” (1 Samuel 15:23 – CEV). I'm NOT saying your wife is in pride... just stating some of the things that I've learned on this walk that helped me find balance. What you said wasn't necessarily wrong; however, the motive you said it may have been selfish - especially if you were just wanting her to get over it quickly for your convenience.... Are you able to tell her that? Yay. I'm not sure if you're viewing your emotions as "needy, weak, fragile and out-of-control child" or if that's independent. It is good you're learning to get in touch with the emotions that God gave you the ability to feel. As I learn to touch my own emotions, I love reading Psalms and seeing God's emotions. It helps me see that in some ways I really AM formed in His image as he said in Genesis. Like all addicts, we use the "substance" to bottle up the emotions and avoid reality... when we stop the substance, then our emotions start to flow - but there's a backlog that's been stuffed for years or decades; eventually the old stuff will be mostly worked through and it will just be current emotions. Then you'll feel more alive and less needy. Is that a bad thing? I think it's a good thing - because we're children of God and the bride of Christ - so that helps us get in touch with His needs.... Christ is a typical bridegroom who desires his espoused to want to spend time with him, to love him, to embrace him with vulnerabilty and total transparency... and he wants to give that same type of love back to individual believers. Yay. The more you write, the more we have to respond to! The more we have to think about in our own healings. LookingUp
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Post by zerotolerance on Nov 24, 2007 18:33:42 GMT -5
Yeah dude, that's pretty bad. 1st off it's SOOOO minimizing of what you've done, it's the we're all bad excuse. or Well YOUR as bad as ME. Which is just ANOTHER LIE that you need to eradicate. 2nd it's a diversion attempt imo. And 3rd, Yeah we do stuff wrong, but NOTHING we could do short of cheating ourselves, compares to pheaded behaviors. She hasn't lusted over thousands of men while neglecting you or her family has she? . So what difference does it make if she said a harsh word, or told A lie or Two? It still doesn't excuse you, and it still isn't the problem ya'll have to heal from now. Whatever she's done has most definately not hurt you in the way you hurt here. She's never broken your soul, you did that to yourself.
And 4th, who says she's not forgiving? Aren't you projecting that? I know it may not seem like she's forgiving you, but that's because few of us know what forgiveness is really about. You might think if she forgives you that would mean it all just goes away and you get your fairy tale ending. But that's wrong. Its not true forgiveness and fairy tales are just more fantasy. It NEVER goes away, it just becomes less all consuming. I forgive my h, sort of anyway, but I don't want to be with him. My forgiveness doesn't look like what he might have expected, and trying to give him that actually kept me away from becoming more forgiving sooner imo. I know I can forgive him without tolerating his crap, without burying it under the rug, without him even feeling forgiven. God (and I) know what is in my heart, and soul, and mind, and that's where forgiveness dwells, not in how we treat ya'll per se.
Plus you really need to guard your mind against all thoughts where you think "just moving on" or her "getting over it will fix it. Or where you think you're over it now too. It won't. That's just another trick of the devil to keep you from digging deeper to where you really need to go imo. If either of you let go before you both really understand all the factors, then you are more likely than not to fall right back into the same old thinking pattern and behavior. You don't want to loose the progress you are making. And the further along you get, the more Satan, will try to tell you it's enough now, but don't listen to those lies. You will know it is enough when it is really enough. When you are soo full of love for yourself, her, and others, that there is no way the devils tricks will work on you anymore. I know you're doing good, and far better than your old false self, but you have yet to step into what God has in store you, and us all imo.
Allowing yourself to feel those emotions is good. That's what p has taken away from you, or you've given to p instead of to yourself, and your family, and other people. A similar thing happens to us when we are force to disconnect because the pain is too great. I didn't even realize either that I had been living in and emotional vaccum myself. Not until they started coming back on. For me, it was a kind word one day from a friend. It had been soo long since someone had appreciated me that I was shocked by the wave of strong emotion that ran thru me. I remembered having emotions like that before, once it came flooding back in, but I didn't realize how shut off and closed up I really was until then. The only emotions I had felt for years were sadness and pain. And even tho you might have thought you were feeling pleasure, your soul was screaming in pain. There is clearly and emotional connection between users and their p, but it is not right. All those strong feelings men have for p, belong to the women in their lives. They rob themselves, their SO's and the kids. And like you they think going around being TOUGH, and non emotional is a good thing. No it isn't. While the bad emotions stink, the good ones far out weigh that. I remember becoming very grateful for the fact that I could still experience a full range of emotions despite my pain. I look at me h and know he is as numb and many are functioning just like him, with none, living in a dull void. And some have various degrees of emotion, all well below normalcy and only in some compartments anyway. Teaching men that emotions are bad, is like saying we don't need any imput from our souls imo. But we do, because without it we'd all end up in sinful endeavors, as lost souls, shoving crap in our soul holes for a few moments of misplaced fake emotion.
I know you get some of the whys in your thinking, but theres more than just thinking about those reasons. We have to understand them inside and out, with our minds, and our hearts, and our bodies and our souls. And while I agree you are making progress and it is wonderful to behold, it's still not enough. You aren't there yet, or else comments like the one above wouldn't ever be muttered from your mouth. Same is true for me too, really. I don't minimize, nor distract, nor divert, but I have my own demons like a sharp tongue, and bitterness, and still some anger, etc...
I want to continue to work that out until I can become almost as loving as Jesus. I don't want to judge, or criticize, or even think unloving thoughts whatsoever, but I know I still do it sometimes. I don't mean too, but I still do it.
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Post by witness on Nov 25, 2007 14:20:27 GMT -5
Thanks for the replies.
LU, I apologized to her for talking about her sins. I'm sure it was selfish on my part. I don't like thinking about all I did wrong and many times I would like to forget it all and move on. But this is all still new to her. And it still hurts her so much. So she needs to be able to talk about it even if it is uncomfortable for me. She still feels so betrayed and so "second-best".
ZT, I may be the best "minimizer" this board has ever known!! And no doubt different mistakes have different levels of consequences with this betrayal on my part ranking high up the list in the destruction it has caused to me and to her and to us.
Although her anger is not like it was she still feels so very deeply hurt. She was crying this afternoon just thinking about how I would look to "them" for my pleasure and satisfaction rather than looking to her. She said she will always feel second-rate and that she will never be able to compete with their perfect bodies.
Of course I am moving away from that but look what my actions have done to her! So sad.
She is working on forgiving me. She can sit by me and hold my hand. She can talk with me about this without getting mad and lashing out at me.
I know that I am at fault. This cannot and should not be rushed.
ZT, you are very right in that there is still so much I need to change and to work through. Want to "get this over with" is a mistake. This is a journey. And it will take time. I must remember that and be prepared for that.
Yes, I do need to dig deeper and get out all the lies and deceptions along with my selfishness and pride. (I don't know how God can be so patient with me!) There is lots left to do. I can't allow myself to think that I have "arrived".
And I know that emotions are not all bad. Realizing that I am weak is a big step forward down the path to healthy living.
I pray for wisdom, humility, patience, understanding and an oversized dose of love (the kind of love that does what is right and thinks not of self but the beloved).
I need to be a better listener and stop worrying about defending myself or my own person and my feelings. It is time to focus on her and helping her with her pain.
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Post by zerotolerance on Nov 25, 2007 17:07:01 GMT -5
Unfortunately, there is yet more sadness associated with this that will be revealed to you in time imo.
It's also time to change your own person, your personal opinions, and your feelings, and time to focus on how you became you (your false beliefs) and how to go about changing into who you are still in the process of becoming (accepting true beliefs). Help her, be there for her, but don't focus on her. Focus on becoming a better a you. That's the best thing you can do for you both. Find ways to bring new and better things into both your lives is a good way to go about it. What does she like? What do you like? What can ya'll do together? What might you or she like that you've never tried before? Rebuild something new and improved now. Seek things you should have had all along, but didn't do right.
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Post by witness on Nov 26, 2007 4:24:14 GMT -5
Unfortunately, there is yet more sadness associated with this that will be revealed to you in time imo.
Now there is something to look forward to!!
I understand that I can't change anyone but myself. One of my problems may be thinking that I'm doing pretty well. (My wife reminds me that I'm only 4 months removed from my last slip.) I have been working on putting away false beliefs and facing the truth. I'm trying to live according to my value system and not let my emotions and selfishness lead the way.
It is hard for me not to focus on her at this point when she is hurting so much.
I'm glad that we are talking more. I help her more in the kitchen and generally try to be more involved in the family. We have gone on walks together which really isn't something I would have wanted to do in the past. We probably need to get away from the house more than we do.
I've ordered some books for us to go through together but they won't arrive until Christmas. We have a couple of other books on hand that we should probably take a look at. Some of the couples things have been hard to think about with this all so recent for her and all her issues. But now as she progresses we can probably start thinking about working on improving our relationship in general.
So thanks for the reminder that working on changing me is my top priority! The challenge of a lifetime!!
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Post by witness on Nov 26, 2007 10:13:53 GMT -5
This morning she said: "You never loved me. If you had, you would not have betrayed me like you did. Why did you marry me? How can you claim to have loved me and then cheat on me in your mind year after year, all through our married life? Now you say your sorry and you expect me just to forgive you. It is so unfair. You will never know how much you have hurt me. Imagine how you would feel if I told you I had been having an affair for the past 30 years, but not to worry, because I've broken it off and I decided I want to stay with you."
She is right. There is really nothing I can say or do to make amends for what I've done.
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Post by zerotolerance on Nov 26, 2007 12:39:20 GMT -5
No, there is nothing you can say or do to make ammends for what you've already done, but that doesn't mean ya'll can't move thru this into a better place eventually. I think there is some false socializations in our culture that suggest that as men, it's ya'lls job to "fix" everything. No it's not! We aren't vehicles that need repair, like a car, nor are we house projects or whatever. The very idea is an contributing factor in our objectification imo. She needs you to "get it", not fix her. For her you marriage started when you confided the truth, everything before that was just a BIG lie, a big fake. A man who use p, is using prostitutes, just as much as one who picks em up off the street. Acutally p users use more prostitutes than anyone else imo. It does feel like we've been cheated out of soo much of what we should have had. It's devastating to consider it in the light of the TRUTH. I used to think I was sensitive and emphathic, but I didn't know squat about those things either. THIS, brings it clear, and I think we hurt like God hurts for us, and for ya'll. It's so overwhelming trying to sort out all the factors. But the sadness factor hits us hard, like a lead balloon. It's hard, and inappropriate, for us to put our faith and trust in a unworthy person. You aren't dealing with those elements. She didn't betray you, or fake you out, nor decieve you into only "thinking" you mattered when in reality she cared more about other men, whom she don't even know, more than you. We're not under the influence of a bunch a gender lies that makes abusing men seemedly acceptiable. It hards to imagine how ya can think and act in those way. It's still hard for me to wrap my brain around it, knowing far more of the contributing factors than she's explored so far. You were esp suppose to be living according to God's Word, but you weren't. So that makes you a poser, a fake, a fraud. It also makes you mislead and decieved by p yourself, and many other things too.
Despite the fact that it ALL seems like a big lie, in time we can seperate out the lies from the truths. She will remember times when you gave, and when you were loving, and supportive, in the past, eventually. She will sort out what you were sincere about and what you weren't eventually. When we are able to do this then it doesn't seem quite like it was ALL lies anymore. But to get that view, we have to wade through lots and lots and lots of doo first. Her perspective is too far in the bad direction right. Before it was to far in the dark. There's a place in the middle where we find truth, and harmony, and balance again but it is hard to stop wobbling all over the place and settle into the absolute truths. Actually I think it is impossible with a damaged soul, while feeling so not enough. She's not enough yet in her mind. In her mind she obviously was never enough or this would not have happened. But that's false thinking, because SHE was always enough, you just didn't know that. She has to learn how to give herself back the value this robs from us. In her effort to grasp this, she objectifying herself. We know we are interchangable with p. And there but by the grace God go I. If someone else were you wife, and she was p, then she knows you would have use her like the other p women you used. That any man can use any woman that way, and justify it is mind blowing. It's objectification in action. We don't have compartments that say it's okay to treat one woman nice, and another like she's disposable trash. Would you want to be with your wife if you knew she mb'd to images of men's genitilia being mutulated? I think not, and the same goes for us. P doesn't look any better than images of the holocaust or genocide, or any other atrocity to us. And the very idea that men/anyone contributes to and even CELEBRATES the demise of countless souls is soo disgusting and soo heart breaking, and so earth shattering, and soul shattering within ourselves. It's a BIG BITTER PILL to try to swallow. And that's not even counting how naive and stupid we feel, for thinking p was harmless, and ya'll are honest, and hundreds of other misconceptions. I'm not dogging ya dude. I know you didn't know. I'm just saying she didn't know either. And it hits us with suddenly clarity whereas for ya'll clarity takes longer, and is process you endure over time, not in a sudden shocking awareness way. Even while you were p-ng, I'm sure you tried to avoid, but still heard comments about the truth of it's harm nonetheless. So discovering some of those truths for yourself wasn't really a sudden thing, but rather occured over time probably. Like if people had been telling her you were cheating all along, she would have been looking for the evidence, or dismissing it for perceived lack of evidence. But this is different. This is sudden, and all consuming to even try to absorb morsels. She sees herself like you were seeing p women, as insinificant. As a non person, who didn't matter whatsoever. That's an effect, but it is not an accurate view of ourselves, nor of your view of her. It might be your view of p women, but you know she is not p. But she don't know what she is anymore, except hurt, and angry, and confused. She'll sort it out, and what had real value before will be put right in her mind and that value will be restored. What didn't have value will be revealed as well, and that part will always hurt, but we can learn skills to better manage that pain in time.
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Post by witness on Nov 26, 2007 13:56:21 GMT -5
It is sad to say but true that facing up to all of this and what it says about me as a person is very hard for me. I'm sure that is why (in part) I stayed in this for so long. I was always afraid to come clean and admit to anyone what I'd done and what that means about what kind of a person I am.
Yes, I have been a fake, a liar, a fraud and a hipocrite.
I know I can't "fix it" as far as she is concerned but I'd sure like to help. I think she must think that I don't "get it". I think I do "get it" although I obviously did not see it in the past or I would never have let this go on for so long.
Acutally p users use more prostitutes than anyone else imo. It does feel like we've been cheated out of soo much of what we should have had. It's devastating to consider it in the light of the TRUTH.
What a sobering thought! I am right up there with the Apostle Paul as the greatest of all sinners! (At least if there was hope for him there is hope for me too!)
I think we hurt like God hurts for us, and for ya'll.
My wife has said that she gets so mad and sad thinking about this whole P thing. Then she said: "Imagine how it must be for God to see all the evil that everyone does! How can He stand it?"
Despite the fact that it ALL seems like a big lie, in time we can seperate out the lies from the truths. She will remember times when you gave, and when you were loving, and supportive, in the past, eventually. She will sort out what you were sincere about and what you weren't eventually. When we are able to do this then it doesn't seem quite like it was ALL lies anymore. But to get that view, we have to wade through lots and lots and lots of doo first.
I can see that this will take time. What I have done and her new knowledge of it has tainted all the past. Sorting it out is a difficult process. She said the other day: "I don't know you. The man I thought I knew would never have done those things."
But that's false thinking, because SHE was always enough, you just didn't know that. She has to learn how to give herself back the value this robs from us.
Yes, she is enough. And so is everyone else. And that is the problem with P and so many other evils in our world and in our society. We say someone is not enough because of the color of their skin or how much money they have or how well they play sports or how good looking they are. What warped views we have. I'm so sorry I have been a part of that and pray that I will be different in all my thoughts and actions.
I've believed too many lies. It is time to tell the truth, believe the truth and live the truth.
The truth may hurt but it is the only way work toward a life worth living! Thanks, zt!
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Post by zerotolerance on Nov 27, 2007 1:28:08 GMT -5
Well, the good news is that you are not who "were" any more already. Once we change we have to stop looking at ourselves in the same light. We have to really absorb it, and feel it, really really deeply, then we can forgive ourselves.
I soo many ways what happens to us is what happens to ya'll only in some sort of twisted opposite way. Users get under the influence of lies, then see pleasure whereas we get pure truth and then see and feel pure pain. We get a version of what I believe to be a users view, only without any compartments. So it flows thru us heart, mind, body, and soul, and not just in the mind and body way experience of addict per se. When you add heart and soul, that's when we can see it more clearly. That's when we feel what must be something similar to God's pain. It makes sense that when we get God's view, which your wife obviously already had imo, then that's when it really hurts. I didn't really have that to start out with, but rather my God's view per se, developed more over time, one lesson at a time. Either way we end up with a BIG pile of cold hard awareness of atrocities, and their effects on the entire universe. It really seems like a curse while we go through it, but once out we know it was a blessing. Clarity is golden. A connected heart/mind/body/soul is how we are meant to live. God's way isn't sacraficing at all, but rather it's gaining so much more in so many ways. Every tear that falls heals a tiny piece of our souls so I learned to welcome the tears to some degree. Once I realized that and gave myself permission to cry without beating myself up for not being able to control my emotions, it helped. I cried myself to sleep soo many nights, that my eyes would start watering the second I laid down. The trick is to allow enough greiving, while not getting stuck in these places. Your view was skewed, and in similar way your wife's view is now skewed too. She has it supersized/hyperized, and in time she will be move more back towards center with her view. We have to go to the very edge of all we know, and then rebuild imo. When I got to the edge of all I knew, I turned it over to God, and that decision turned my life around. At some point, I suspect your wife will give it more over to God too, but first she has to make sense enough out of it, (ie settle it in her own mind and develop a new script to replace the intrusive p projectors now playing, and/or realize we can't make sense out of nonsense, etc....
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Post by witness on Nov 27, 2007 5:12:29 GMT -5
I hope that I am changing and changing for good. I accept God's forgiveness yet I see how I need to face up to what I did and who I was. I ran from it for so long. I need to admit the truth.
My wife asked me last night: "How could you allow this to go on for 30 years?" I always thought I was kind of a victim. I couldn't help myself. It happened to me. And after all, I was trying to stop. Yet the truth is I did not really take any steps to stop. I never would tell anyone. I never did ask for help until four years ago this month. Yes, I allowed this to go on. I am to blame. I committed a terrible sin time after time after time. And I did it because I wanted to. I can't undo it now. But I pray that I can learn something from it and that God can use this evil to forge something good.
It is interesting, zt, that you said: we can't make sense out of nonsense
That is another thing she said last night: "I'm trying to make sense out of all of this."
I told her that that would be impossible. It is NOTsense. It is stupidity, perversity, dishonesty, compulsivity, impulsiveness, selfishness. It is not something that can be reasoned out. It is irrational. And that is what I was involved in and to some extent who I was/am.
Users get under the influence of lies, then see pleasure whereas we get pure truth and then see and feel pure pain.
Lies led me to an illusion of pleasure which has brought her intense pain which I pray will help me continue to live the truth.
If any of you other ladies have some input for me, please chime in. I need all the truth I can get. I don't think it is possible to overdose on truth!
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Post by witness on Nov 28, 2007 4:51:43 GMT -5
Last night she said: "Everytime you made a decision to look at P, you made a decision to hurt me. You chose them over me and were rejecting me. Everytime you did it you were kicking me in the groin."
"I trusted you too much. I was totally unprepared for this. I think that is why it cuts so deeply"
Now this morning she said: "You had a relationship with thousands of other women thoughout my marriage! It is no different than if you had had another family and kids by another woman that I knew nothing about." "Now you drug me into this ugly, perverse world of P. Something I detest and never wanted anything to do with. But you have brought me here."
Now what can I say? Just that I'm very sorry, so very sorry and I will continue to do my best to be the man I should have been all along, faithful in every sense of the word.
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