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Post by witness on Nov 14, 2007 13:58:36 GMT -5
"Your best strategy is to just answer the question, no matter how painful, and to continue to show remorse, and keep your behavior in check now."
I know this is true and that this takes time and I believe that we will eventually make it because we are both trying and we know there is SOMEONE who is helping us and taking care of us.
Yet this showing remorse thing is not so easy. When she was mad today she said some things about all the low, evil things I had done and I replied: "And I feel awful about it!"
She just looked at me, hit me with the dish towel and said: "Why didn't you feel awful about it then and stop?"
She had to leave the house soon after that. While she was gone I made her a card (we have Creatacard). When she got back she saw it and said: "I got mad at you and yelled at you and you make me a card?"
So the roller coaster continues! I like the hugs and those get me through the rough spots.
I wish all of you could know her! Sorry, no offense intended ladies, but she is the best wife in the world. Much better than I deserve! (And except for when she's really mad she still wants to keep me!)
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 14, 2007 15:20:48 GMT -5
She keeps asking me when I did it, where, what, etc. and the more I tell her the madder she gets. But I understand that that is normal and a necessary part of the healing process. My husband hasn't discussed any details. But sometimes I'm glad I've been protected from knowing the nitty-gritty dirt of his addiction. I'd like to know some generalities but not the details. BUt I'm no longer in the initial stages of healing. I wanted to know it all back in the beginning, too. What if you'd preface your replies with: "I'm willing to tell you anything you want to know, but will knowing this detail help you heal or bring you more pain?" Then let her decide. LookingUp
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nina
Full Member
trying to forgive and heal
Posts: 126
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Post by nina on Nov 14, 2007 15:53:59 GMT -5
"Your best strategy is to just answer the question, no matter how painful, and to continue to show remorse, and keep your behavior in check now."I know this is true and that this takes time and I believe that we will eventually make it because we are both trying and we know there is SOMEONE who is helping us and taking care of us. Yet this showing remorse thing is not so easy. When she was mad today she said some things about all the low, evil things I had done and I replied: "And I feel awful about it!" She just looked at me, hit me with the dish towel and said: "Why didn't you feel awful about it then and stop?" She had to leave the house soon after that. While she was gone I made her a card (we have Creatacard). When she got back she saw it and said: "I got mad at you and yelled at you and you make me a card?" So the roller coaster continues! I like the hugs and those get me through the rough spots. I wish all of you could know her! Sorry, no offense intended ladies, but she is the best wife in the world. Much better than I deserve! (And except for when she's really mad she still wants to keep me!) she's hurting. still. and be prepared for more of the same years down the road. you should feel honored and extremely lucky that she's STILL with you, STILL loves you and is STILL waiting for you to recover from your porn addiction! i'm sure you already feel these things. however many years you've made her suffer with your porn use, expect that many years (and MORE) for you to suffer dealing with her hurt, pain and anguish. just as a male poster on the other board stated, "Recovery Is For LIFE...", so will be her anger, mistrust and hurt over what you have done to her and to the sanctity of the marriage. it's called karma.
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Post by witness on Nov 16, 2007 7:23:45 GMT -5
Since we have been married for 30 years if it takes that many years to deal with all the hurt and anguish we will be very old before this is over. So I hope that rule is not always true.
Yet I realize that "Recovery is for LIFE". I will always have many things to change. Even now dealing with her anger over my betrayal we have moments when I can see that things are better than before. I'm trying much harder to be the husband she deserves and give her 100% of me. As a result she is trying harder too to give me attention. That is a formula for success!
Perhaps some of you noticed that she (devastated) posted in here yesterday. I see that two of you have written on her thread (needing help). Perhaps some others could write her. If you can we would both appreciate it.
Thanks for your help! God bless! W.
P.S. Without getting into a religious debate I don't believe in "karma". Yes, we reap what we sow. Yet God in His grace and mercy gives us hope to get better than we deserve. For that I am MOST grateful! I'd say everyday of my life needs to be a "THANKSGIVING DAY".
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nina
Full Member
trying to forgive and heal
Posts: 126
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Post by nina on Nov 16, 2007 10:26:04 GMT -5
you're right! that IS a formula for success! just as long as you are genuinely striving towards being the man and husband that God has intended you to be - then you are doing ALL that you can! when i said however many years you indulged in porn is how many years you will have to deal with her hurt and anguish, i didn't mean that it would necessarily go on for that long. i guess i should've said that it could go on for that long and maybe even longer but that it may not go on for that length of time. i think it is nothing short of wonderful that you both post on this forum! talk about you being an open book! she must be proud of you for the progress you have made thus far even though she may still feel resentment and is still hurting from what you have done. i give her ALOT of credit because she is a better person than i. THIRTY YEARS??? holy crap!!! it has only been 11 yrs for us, and that was wayyyy long enough to have to go through the agony and despair that he put me through! your wife is not a person.......she is a SAINT!!!! God Bless her!! ~ God Bless BOTH of you! ~
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Post by LookingUp on Nov 16, 2007 10:35:48 GMT -5
Since we have been married for 30 years if it takes that many years to deal with all the hurt and anguish we will be very old before this is over. So I hope that rule is not always true. Even though my husband has done very little to repair the breach, I have chosen to heal. I find things he use to do that triggered me no longer have the same fight-or-flight reaction - just a minor annoyance and possibly worth speaking my truth to him about my feelings. I think in time that I may still have triggers (even if he becomes transparent and embraces recovery) but they won't be so traumatic because I'll have healing experiences to look back on and know "this too shall pass." Just as he will probably have to be cautious the rest of his life to not fall back into his old sin of PA; I will have to be cautious the rest of my life to not get triggered to the point of acting ungodly to my husband because of his past sins. LookingUp
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Post by zerotolerance on Nov 16, 2007 15:10:04 GMT -5
I don't think it will take 30 years, cuz I'm banking on your wife being smarter than you were. lol!!! It's just like she said, she's never felt this kind of pain before. None of us have. I didn't even know a persons heart and soul could be broken in these ways. So we don't know how to deal with it whatsoever. NOTHING prepares us for this type of disappointment. It's devastating to say the very least. She has triggers now, and intrusive demon thoughts. It's a rough spot to be in, and sooo confusing. How could this happen? I had that question too. How can he be that stupid? That's a biggie one! What do I do now? Is another one. She has to learn to take one step at a time, and one bite at a time. When it is all said and done, fortunately, we can eventually see how ya come to be soo dumb, under the influence of lies, and all. But it is still a very, very, very, bitter pill to swallow. All you can do, is all you can do, ya know? She has to do the rest now, and as the rewards of doing so, become apparent, the pain ebbs. I've never experienced it first hand myself, but I think stopping the behavior, would be HUGE, even for someone as affected as me. She has to sort out what is real, what is true, and what all the contributing factors are, including those that don't originate in you, but rather in her, from her own prior experiences, then she will be able to move forward, leaving most of the pain behind imo. God has her soul in his hand now. She is safe in his hands, and on a journey of enlightment, even if it doesn't feel like it to her right now. We desperately want to reconnect ourselves, and get to where we know we are firing more in harmony, but we can't do that until we sort the doo. Everytime we try, we just get flooded with waves of pain and anger again, and horrid painful thoughts. But fortunately they will ebb as we sort them all out. She has to learn to ride the waves without giving in to the urge to react while in those damaged states of mind, and being. It's a skill, it's learnable. She'll get it. She HAS to now. It's not so much a choice for us, it's a requirement, or our souls die while we FEEL every excruiating pain of it. We don't get the compartmental lie factor of false protection, to hide behind, so we feel it FULL force. It's not a choice, so we know that we HAVE to fix it, with or without ya'll, independently of whatever caused it. But also through gaining understanding of what caused it. When she can see past herself better, and past you, and your relationship, she will see that p and p culture is brainwashing everyone. You are a victim in that regard. Yeah, you allowed it, but you didn't know it could do that to a person, to you, nor her, nor the rest of us. Now ya both know. It seems like a curse, but it's a blessing in disquise imo. Keep doing what your doing, and no matter what she does, or how bad it hurts, STAY CLEAN! That is the only way out. When she can handle more, God will show her more. And one day ya'll will both realize that the opportunity to go through the *journey* to a wholer, better functioning, and more connected to God, soul, was the prize, not so much the destination of your happily ever after.
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Post by witness on Nov 17, 2007 6:47:30 GMT -5
Yes, she is saint. And she is much smarter than I am.
And I have been so dumb, stupid, weak, wicked, etc. Now I pray for forgiveness and try to be a different person than I was.
She is still asking questions about when and where and how often. We both can see now that this takes time. She is trying to understand the "whys". I don't know how well I understand them. I know it is complex. I've pursued my lusts for all of my life since childhood to some extent. Why? I don't know. I could go months without seeking it out too much but when the opportunity was there it seems like I could never say "no". It was like: "Great, I found some free candy!"
How sad. Now I pray that those days are behind me forever. Although I know quite well that I am still tempted and a slip is just one or two thoughts away.
Thanks for the help ladies! Yes this is a journey. I wish I had not fallen so much along the way. I pray that I have learned something that will help me avoid the next pitfall on my road to freedom!
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Post by witness on Nov 20, 2007 8:27:55 GMT -5
We just got back from a walk. She talked some more about how much it hurts to know that I had other girls in my head. It is so hard for her. And justifiable and understandable so!!
I feel awful for doing this to her. But we are talking. I think we will make it . . . step by step.
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Post by kyle on Nov 20, 2007 11:06:23 GMT -5
Witness,
I have confidence in you and your wife. You are doing the right things and have come a long way in the short time I have known you. Keep doing what you are doing, Keep listening to her and keep positive thoughts and remain focused on your ultimate goal. God will be there and I, for one, will continue to pray for you and your wife that you find comfort and wisdom in God's plan for you.
It will get better my brother, Keep the faith.
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Post by astheworldfallsdown on Nov 20, 2007 17:22:41 GMT -5
It will get better for her. This is one of these things that takes time to rebuild. When my husband relapsed, I cried a lot, not just because of what he did to our home and marriage but all the trust I had built for him that was taken away in minutes of finding this out. It has taken some time, but the pain has eased some and the trust is almost back. I've found that it almost doesn't hurt anymore, unless I get a nasty reminder but that concerns minding my own triggers and taking care of my own recovery. She will also have personal triggers, but in time she will learn them and know how to avoid them or deal when forced to face any.
Take care.
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Post by witness on Nov 21, 2007 4:14:40 GMT -5
As a couple I believe we are making progress. We have done some talking. However yesterday her physical pain got worse so we may need to back off some from dealing with this.
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Post by witness on Nov 23, 2007 12:35:07 GMT -5
My wife is still enduring physical and emotional pain from all of this.
The good news is we are both committed to each other. For that I am VERY THANKFUL!
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mamalama
New Member
"I have a feeling that as long as I joust, use swords, and avoid the color pink, I'll be all right."
Posts: 14
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Post by mamalama on Nov 23, 2007 13:13:40 GMT -5
Honestly, this thread has brought more tears to my eyes than any I have read anywhere in this forum.
Witness, I wish my husband would read ANYTHING you have posted. He is so deeply mired in denial that I have little hope of our marriage ever being repaired, and I am simply working on healing myself and saving money for moving. I know it is not good to lose faith, but it is so hard to have any when every conversation leads nowhere, when he makes it clear he has no idea what I am feeling or why I am feeling it. There is no empathy in this situation.
I know you are feeling pain, even though it cannot compare with your wife's, but I admire you for enduring what you are enduring and helping your wife through her pain.
I wonder if you have been asked the question that I always want to ask my husband, which is not "when" or "where" but "What do you think of when you look at those girls? What are the thoughts, the words that go through your mind?" That thought, that one thought, is the one that cuts most deeply into me, and although your wife may not yet have asked it, the question may be on its way.
Good luck to you both. It is heartwarming to see a couple with so much love between them. Maybe someday I will be in such a marriage, too.
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Post by zerotolerance on Nov 23, 2007 19:52:24 GMT -5
It just so much to process. Question we don't think of at first, pop up later. Or as we learn about one element, we just get another one to deal with. The trick is getting through all of them. When we understand all or almost all of the factors, then we can move forward better. It just takes time. I'm sure stress is adding to her physical symptoms. Let her set the pace. She'll get better at judging how much she can handle at one time without it kicking her butt physically, or emotionally. And she will learn how to ride the trigger waves without reacting to every one of them, just like you'll learn to get rid of your triggers to p. A thought or two away from a slip is still to close. When you gain more understanding, you should not be that close to a slip, and it won't be as tempting imo. I know it will always be a struggle but you should grow to be at least 50 thoughts away or whereever is enough that you're not soooo close at all. Your probably somewhere around doing a 180 degree turn, but you're both heading towards 360 degrees of turning, tuning, and enlightment. Yea, It's one step at a time, or even one second, or minute, if neccessary. Whatever it takes is what ya'll have to do now. Keep looking and working until you both get what it takes. We know it takes determination, commitment, effort, willingness to dump ourselves out and completely rebuild ourselves from the inside out. Question EVERYTHING you ever thought you knew about everything. Pick a new and improved position on everything based in love and love alone, and honor it, just like you're doing, only for more and more elements yet to be uncovered. Ask yourself the questions she asks you. Ponder them over time, and share what you learn about yourself. "I don't know why" is not good enough, nor is knowing a few of the reasons, like the lust factor,or stupidity factors. lol! There are so many more factors too. Dig deep, uncover ALL the reasons why, because that's where ALL the lies are that you need to get rid out of your heart/mind/body/and soul.
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