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Post by mench on Jan 6, 2005 17:26:27 GMT -5
thanks this is a help.
is there anything specific to cybersex chatting?
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Holly
Full Member
Working on my marriage for Jesus because my husband no longer acts out and I can see some progress
Posts: 228
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Post by Holly on Jan 7, 2005 7:26:22 GMT -5
You are welcome. I have heard that patrick Carnes book "In the Shadows of the Net" comes highly recommended. It is a book that helps you to break free of sexual online addiction. And I also see that he has a new book "Cybersex Unhooked". Anything from Patrick Carnes would be a great place to start. Yoiu can probably get some of his books at the library if money is an issue. www.sexhelp.comWishing you well, Holly
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Post by shatteredtrust on Jan 7, 2005 21:16:49 GMT -5
Thanks Holly, I was confused. I appreciate your help.
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Post by breamarie on Mar 24, 2005 11:47:54 GMT -5
Thanks a million!! I really needed this!
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Post by tootrue on May 23, 2005 22:12:30 GMT -5
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Post by tootrue on May 23, 2005 22:14:55 GMT -5
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Post by tootrue on Jun 3, 2005 16:59:52 GMT -5
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Post by nurseMJ on Jun 16, 2005 15:10:14 GMT -5
This is a link to the United States Postal Service, form 1500, to stop unwanted sexually explicit/adult mailings from showing up in your mailbox. www.usps.com/forms/_pdf/ps1500.pdf
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Post by joyfulneurotic on Jul 14, 2005 12:35:24 GMT -5
I had posted this on the partner's forum and it was suggeste I post it here as well. Here is my experience with a computer literate husband who knew how to cover his tracks - but maybe not as well as he thought!
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I knew my husband was porning. I just didn't know how much, or what kind of stuff he was viewing. He admitted that he struggled with it and would give in once or twice a month. Around February he was spending way more time on the computer, but he always had a "legitimate" excuse. My radar went up anyway. I had to know what he was up to.
After our computer ended up with a bunch of porn crap on it about 2 years ago, which we couldn't get rid of, he got worried about the kids finding something accidentally. We wiped the hard drive. Actually, I did (co-dependent that I was). I backed up everything, formatted the drive and re-installed all the programs. It took me hours and I was very angry.
After that he got way sneakier. He told me that he couldn't seem to stop the porn but was worried about leaving tracks the kids might find. So, he would install Netscape, view porn and uninstall it. There was no way I could find out what he was doing. At least that's what I thought for awhile.
Then I researched a bit and came up with a program that I bought called Blazing Tools Perfect Keylogger. It logs every keystroke, every chat, every website visited, takes screenshots and logs passwords.
I installed it March 14. Mar 15 I discovered his "secret" email account with password. I found out that it was way more than porn. He'd been cheating on me since day one.
I had found things in the past, but he always minimized, denied and lied. This time there was proof. He was finally and completely exposed. I truly believe he never would have found help if the absolute proof hadn't been found.
I had thought I would never know the truth, but that $50 spent on the program was the best money I've spent in my life. Looking back, if it had been $10,000 it would have been worth it. Now I know what I'm dealing with and can make decisions accordingly. Now my husband has seen the light, recognizes it's an addiction and has sought real help. The value has been immeasurable. And if I had found nothing "bad" I would have had more confidence in what he was telling me. I would have felt my trust was valid. I see it as a win/win situation.
A couple more things...
The program doesn't show up when ctrl-alt-del is keyed, showing the running programs. It's completely stealth. I run Norton anti-virus and after the first scan I had to tell Norton to ignore all "BPK" files because it thought it was a worm or something. After that initial scan Norton ignores it.
Another thing: Now that I have the program it may be a bit of a help to my H knowing that he can't slip and try to hide it. Of course he could do it somewhere else, but he did it mostly from home and that's no longer an option. As an added bonus, I can "spy" on what my kids are doing online, which I think is a parent's responsibility in the online age.
Last thing: Someone had mentioned that their H was putting jpeg pic in Word documents and hiding them that way. If you feel like you have to do a search on the computer, try Find, (or search), Files and Folders, search by date and try all files created or accessed in the last 30 days or so. Then sort by file type and check anything that is either a word document or other picture or video type file.
Hope that helps someone. Just wish I had known earlier.
Joyfulneurotic
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Post by jen1967 on Jul 19, 2005 16:44:35 GMT -5
There is nothing but smut all over my home computer. I try to be beautiful and perfect for my husband, but nothing satisfies him. I feel like a complete failure and when I see this crap my heart breaks and I ache with such pain and anger because I am not enough. I know I should not feel this way, but I do. Do people every really leave this crap and return top their families? I would do anything if I knew he could stop.
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Post by sassykat on Jul 20, 2005 5:39:25 GMT -5
Hi Jen; The first thing I can tell you is NOTHING is your fault. It doesn't matter how you dress, or look, or what you cook for supper, or how clean you keep the house. This addiction belongs to him, and him alone. If there is to be a recovery, it is something he will have to pursue for himself, the same as you will have to pursue your own healing plan. You have no control over whether he chooses to stop and get the help he needs to overcome this. What I can suggest to you is to educate yourself on addiction. Read, read, read! The more you know, the better equipped you will be to deal with this. Knowledge is power. I wish you well. SassyKat
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Post by jen1967 on Jul 20, 2005 16:41:56 GMT -5
Sassykat, You are so right. I educate myself about everything except what I really need to. I guess I need to remember this is an addiction, which is an illness. Gambling, drugs,sex, it is all an addiction. It is hard not to blame myself first. I guess I feel he turned to the porn because I was lacking in some area. You are right, and it was kind of you to answer and encourge me. I hope you do well too. I had no idea there were so many people like myself out there. Normal people, that are sufferring from this scorge on the net.
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 26, 2005 1:42:56 GMT -5
I thought others might find my list of books helpful as they learn about porn/sex addiction. I'll update the list as I read more books. PORN ADDICTION Books I read to understand the psychology of sexual addiction:In the Shadow of the Net by Patrick Carnes. Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes. Sexual Anorexia – Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred by Patrick Carnes Women, Sex and Addiction by Charlotte Davis Kasl A Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps by Patrick Carnes Books I read to understand the Biblical perspective of sexual sin:An Affair of the Mind: One Woman's Courageous Battle to Salvage Her Family from the Devastation of p*graphy by Laurie Hall Every heart Restored by Arterburn and Stoeker Every man's Battle by Arterburn and Stoeker False Intimacy by Schauymburg - excellent chapter on what porn addiction and children. ISurrender All: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken by Pornography by Clay and Renee Crosse When Godly People Do Ungodly Things by Beth Moore Books I read to understand a Biblical perspective of any addictions:Freedom from Addictions by Neil T. Anderson and Mike & Julia Quarles Victory Over the Darkness by Neil T. Anderson One Day at a Time: The Devotional for Overcomers – by Neil T. Anderson and Mike & Julia Quarles The Christian books I read to help me heal and to learn to cope and to heal the marriage:Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes Bonds that Make us Free: Healing our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves By C. Terry Warner Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend Deceived by Shame – Desired by God by Cynthia Spell Humbert Do You Think I'm Beautiful? Angela Thomas (rebuilding self-esteem) Healing the Orphaned Heart by Casey Treat Hiding From Love: How to Change the Withdrawal Patterns That Isolate and Imprison You by Dr. John Townsend How to act right when your spouse acts wrong by Leslie Vernick How to be the Happy Wife of an Unsaved Husband by Linda Davis Lies Women Believe by Nancy DeMoss Lord, Change My Attitude...Before It's Too Late by James MacDonald Love Must Be Tough : New Hope for Families in Crisis by James Dobson Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs by Emerson, Dr. Eggerichs - website at: www.loveandrespect.comRecovering From the Losses of Life by H. Norman Wright NLT Life Recovery Bible[/i[ by: Stephen Arterburn Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? by Gary L. Thomas Saying Goodbye to Disappointments – Finding Hope When Your Dreams Don’t Come True by Jan and David Stoop The Purpose Driven Life Rick Warren (for rebuilding self-esteem) The Way of Agape: Understanding God’s Love by Chuck and Nancy Missler The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective by Martha Peace The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Website at www.fivelovelanguages.com
Secular books I've read that were helpful: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie Guide to Getting it On Paul Joannides – very graphic language and drawings but best explanation of the sexual response differences of men and women Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus John Gray Mars and Venus in the Bedroom John Gray Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them : When Loving Hurts and You Don't Know Why by Susan Forward Quick to Listen, Slow to Speak by Robert E. Fisher When Your Lover Is A Liar: Healing The Wounds Of Deception And Betrayal by Susan Forward, Ph.D.
One of my boundaries is every time I find porn I get $50 more then the last time to spend on self-help books. Last time was $200 from the family account. With my husband, hitting him in the wallet is one way to make him realize PA doesn't pay!
Here's some books on my wish list: Addicted to Love: Understanding Dependencies of the Heart: Romance, Relationships, and Sex by Stephen Arterburn Building Your Mate's Self-Esteem by Group Publishing Eros Defiled: The Christian and Sexual Sin by John White Fatal Attractions: Why Sex Sins Are Worse Than Others by Jack Hayford Finding Freedom in a Sex-Obsessed World by: Neil T. Anderson NIV Freedom in Christ Bible By: Edited by Neil Anderson Gratitude: Affirming the Good Things in Life by Melody Beattie Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction by Gary Smalley I Love You Unconditionally...on One Condition: Everyday Choices for an Extraordinary Marriage by Joey O'Connor Living with Your Husband's Secret Wars by Marsha Means Love Busters: Overcoming the Habits That Destroy Romantic Love by Willard F. Jr. Harley Love is a Choice by Dr. Robert Hemfelt, Dr. Frank Minirth, Dr. Paul Meier Love, Infidelity, and Sexual Addiction: A Codependent's Perspective by Christine A. Adams Love, Honor, & Forgive by Bill and Pam Farrel Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life by Byron Katie Men Are Like Waffles - Women Are Like Spaghetti by Bill Farrel Improving Communication in Your Marriage by Gary Rosberg Partner's Recovery Guide: 100 Empowering Exercises by Douglas Weiss Pornified: How Pornography Is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families by Pamela Paul Pure Freedom: Breaking the Addiction to Pornography by Mike Cleveland Rekindling the Romance : Loving the Love of Your Life by Dennis Rainey Shame: Thief of Intimacy (Unmasking the Accuser) by Marie Powers The Walk-Out Woman : When Your Heart is Empty and Your Dreams Are Lost by Dr. Steve Stephens, Alice Gray Praying the Bible for your Marriage by HEATHER KOPP Radical Forgiveness by Julie Ann Barnhill The Addictive Personality: Understanding the Addictive Process and Compulsive Behavior by Craig Nakken When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart by Kathy Gallagher
LookingUp
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Post by cflanders on Jul 28, 2005 12:00:44 GMT -5
A couple of months ago I learned my SA had not only lied to me about his fidelity, but that he had made up his background: his successes, property and businesses he had owned, countries he had visited .... For me, I can't lie to someone's face when asked a direct question. That's my bottom line. SA can, and has looked me in the eyes and lied without a flinch or revealing any outwardly visible sign of deception. So I needed to arm myself. I looked up a lot of articles on the Internet to be clued in on what to look for. Below are a few links with info I think we all should read. www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Raam3.htmlwww.sciencenews.org/articles/20040731/bob8.aspwww.blifaloo.com/info/lies.phpThis one has triggering ads and piggish content, etc., but the article itself was invaluable to me: www.sosuave.com/articles/lying.htm
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Post by tootrue2 on Aug 1, 2005 22:27:08 GMT -5
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