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Post by addict70 on Dec 16, 2007 11:22:28 GMT -5
Day 6 is in the bag, and I slept through half of day 7. I'm not feeling half bad today really. I think I was letting myself get too depressed over the last week and my thinking was getting to that point of self pity, but regardless I could'nt have sunk too far because I've succeeded and I'll continue to do so. I'm snowed in earlier than thought, so I guess I"m not going anywhere. Instead today I'll work on getting my brain switched back over to the positive, and get this effin pigsty cleaned up. First and foremost, no P today, no listening to the voice, no fantasies, no acting out.
I think it's important for me to keep my strategy simple. I think in life alot of things are more simple than we admit to ourselves, but that does'nt make them easy.
PS: I friggin hate the holidays. Bah humbug.
PSS: I just realized I'm well past the marker. First week clean! Yeehaw!!
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Post by addict70 on Dec 16, 2007 23:56:41 GMT -5
Adding more to this. I realized after just one week I'm getting too big for my britches. I'm just starting, Hell I've only begun, gotta pull my head out of my a$$ pronto!
Although this forum is a great tool I'm spending insane amounts of time on here and shirking almost all responsibility. Worse yet on the computer alone! I'm using this early recovery time as an excuse to sit around, smoke all day, do nothing I have planned, Sh-t basically act just like I was before except without dirty pictures. What am I afraid of out there? What am I hiding from?
So I got my initial week down, good for me. I've done enough gloating and high fiving myself like I just won the most awesome guy in the universe award. Now it's time to take the steps needed for long term recovery, and I really dont know what that is. Otherwise this is just another purge after a binge. I have alot to learn yet.
Head removed from anus, time to open my ears, stop pretending I know what I'm talking about, and stop being a such a jackass.
Honestly, I'm afraid.
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kall
New Member
Posts: 15
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Post by kall on Dec 17, 2007 3:17:25 GMT -5
Your a musician? What do you play?
My pornography addiction stemmed from me sitting at my desk playing guitar for 4 hours a day until i got tired and looked at P. Then after M i played guitar again.
I've found getting out has helped alot. Playing guitar in the garden.
Keep up the great work. I'm worried i'll drop back aswell. And lord knows how down and out i get when i do that.
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Post by addict70 on Dec 17, 2007 16:56:57 GMT -5
Day 8 big f-ckin deal.
Alright F it, I'm in a really bad place right now and I got alot to say.
To answer your question, synths, thanks for the words of support but I feel like a complete Ahole right now.
It hit me like a ton of bricks last night. Hardly anything in this journal and hardly any of the BS I've been posting is honest. Yeah, I'm on day 8 without P, but I'm not in day 8 of recovery, I'm in day 8 of another f-ckin purge. I was reading over this, reading over this, reading over this all "wow, look at what a smart complex guy I am. It's like I've been to hell and on my way back!" then realized, I've heard it all before. I've said all this to myself a thousand times. Sh-t some of this stuff is even plagerized from other journals (see thoughts on blocking software, it's breakingfree's not mine). Why would I do that? To impress everyone because I think it sounds smart? No, because I can delude myself into thinking I came up with it and look at it and go "Wow, I'm so effin smart"
All I'm doing is jerking off in a another way. Emotionally. That's the only reason I made it through the week. That's the only reason it was so hard. I wanted it to be!
I'm not poetic, I'm not dramatic so why is it so in this journal? It's more empty f-ckin retoric that's why!
So now that I've exposed myself for the bitter angry little ball of resentment I am what do I do? Binge? Honestly I dont want too. Instead maybe cut the sh-t and get honest.
So first thing, my so called crushing and soul shattering divorce. Why did I get divorced if my wife was so awesome? Well yeah, one big factor was my P addiction. If I'm supposedly coming to grips with that why is the furthest thought from my mind reconciliation? Because I dont want her back! F-ck her! Maybe I'm selfish and I dont want to put forth the effort. I dont know. I dont care.
So why am I sitting here on this f-cking forum with all of you instead of out trying to live something that resembles a life? I'm afraid of something out there. It's time I got some balls and found out just what exactly it is I won't face.
So here's what's in store for the bitter little loser Addict70. Right now I want to F off and leave, but then all this anger, all this misery, all of this sh-t is for nothing and I cant live like this anymore! I stay, I keep this journal going, if I fail now than maybe this will show me the patterns that caused me to fail. I continue making my daily commitment. Most importantly I GET AWAY FROM THIS F-CKING COMPUTER!!! But I'm done with the BS and I'm done trying to be something I'm not.
Beware guys addict70's mask is off and guess what? I'm an A$$HOLE!!
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 17, 2007 17:10:23 GMT -5
!!
Yeah, join the club here, it's a big one.
And so, what did you learn from this?
Friend, we ALL have our setups. The important thing is if we learn from our past mistakes and move on. (expletive), I used to reward myself for going P free with a binge. What kind of (expletive)ed up thinking is that?
Don't make recovery too complicated. Just stay sober today. Don't worry whether you have the process right. If you are sober you are doing something. right.
BTW, I consider plagiarism to be a fine form of flattery. So thanks!!
Hang in there. Don't shoot yourself in the foot. Just put it in front of the other one.
bf
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Post by Curious Voyager on Dec 17, 2007 17:37:50 GMT -5
So why am I sitting here on this f-cking forum with all of you instead of out trying to live something that resembles a life? I'm afraid of something out there. It's time I got some balls and found out just what exactly it is I won't face. I'm an A$$HOLE!! Addict70, we share the same first name. I'm an @$$hole too. We are ALL afraid of something out there. All of us in one way or another. Some of us are afraid of life without porn. Me, I learned I am afraid of success. How sick is that? I am actually terrified that my life will be successful. You have any idea how deep I had to dig to find that out? That fear stems from the messages I got as a small boy. You know the ones--"you'll never amount to sht---you end up just like your uncle B" I always despised uncle B growing up and well into adulthood. Now, when I die and I see him again, I plan to apologize to him. They were wrong and that made me wrong. We are all afraid and FEAR holds us back as much as anything else will. TODAY< I am more afraid of my addiction than I am anything else. Right this very moment in making this post---I AM living something that resembles life. I call it recovery and step 9. I know where you're at, I spend decades there. There is a way out. I'm Herb and I'm a pornography addicts with obsessive compulsive masturbation and rage and alcoholism and I suffered and I hurt for decades and I am sober today and I live!
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backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
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Post by backstabber on Dec 17, 2007 18:13:13 GMT -5
None of us would be here if we weren't a$$holes. I think you are a nice guy, you say what you think and thats good. Just don't get angry enough to do something stupid. The rage will go away some time. Besides, you've got THE best journal here, I laughed my pants off. Besides, if there will ever be held a competition in the biggest a$$hole of all time, I'm sure you'll recognize me. I'm the one wearing the crown. We all have the same problem here: lack of self control. I'm freaking 23 and never had a damn girl in my life. I can't seem to control myself when in 50 yards of a women. I start talking (expletive), my palms get sweat. Everyone is looking at me and asking: "Whats wrong, whats wrong." Nothings wrong, it's just that I'm an idiot. I've pushed away from me even the girls that did like me. The damn p made me think they were not good enough for me, go figure. The days and years I've spent on the damn computer. Some people die young, maybe God should have gave my wasted time to them. I did not deserve it. So hail to the king of losers baby, the reign of backstabber will be a long one.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 17, 2007 19:33:30 GMT -5
I don't believe anyone here is an asshole, what is an asshole? a stupid, incompetent, or detestable person according to Webster. I don't think any of us here are that, or why would we even be here, that tells me firstly that we are not stupid, or completely incompetent. we are all fallible, from time to time we F up. I admire you addict70 for the efforts you have made, I will admire anyone for taking the effort to better themselves, or take a day clean from their addictions, to fulfil their lives. Comon mate! get back into the vibe, feeling like an ass isn't going to help you, more than likely its going to lead you spiralling out of control. You said it yourself, maybe you should F off the site.
My suggestion is, and its up to you whether you accept this, is to start fresh. Look at what you need to do, not just the staying clean from porn etc. Get real with what it is you want to achieve, what you must do, maybe there are people you can talk to, do whatever it is to make you feel better, I don't believe it really matters, what ever it is you have to do. call a friend talk then tell them a joke, start to get back into that positive mode, forget the negative feelings you have been feeling recently, what does it matter, right now matters, you can't change the way you felt yesterday. Take this anger and frustration, and make yourself realise how (expletive) things are, and do something about it.
I wish you the best, I know what it feels like to feel so low, and angry, and frustrated, but I know turning that into something positive, does the world of good. I'm hoping you get back into it, I hope to see you flying along in the recovery.
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Post by addict70 on Dec 17, 2007 21:53:20 GMT -5
Woh, bit of a temper tantrum there
Thankyou fellow a$$holes and non a$$holes alike. I'm actually suprised to see so many responsed. Did'nt realize all of you were reading. Actually now that I'm calmed down my rant is making me laugh a bit.
I'm good, still sober, feeling much better.
A couple lessons learned. #1 it's that time of the month #2 I'm the one making this hard on myself #3 KISS Keep It Simple Stupid
Glad to see you back backstabber.
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kall
New Member
Posts: 15
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Post by kall on Dec 18, 2007 7:46:22 GMT -5
I know exactly how you feel. Well i think i do.
I keep thinking, how the hell do i know i'm not gonna drop back into again? I've commited so many times and failed, and look at everyone else on this forum.
But i cant know, i dont. And i'll have to put up with the fact that i have to try and try and try again and again.
I'm suffering so much pain, at the cause of my own problems. But I'm forgiven.
I'm with you A70.
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Post by addict70 on Dec 18, 2007 16:10:10 GMT -5
I'm sure you know exactly Kall. We're all in the same boat here. Thanks man Day 9, still clean, and I'm not feeling half bad. Yesterday's hissy fit and and the follow up responses gave me allot to chew on. Alright so I was either setting myself up for a trap, or I was trying to convince myself I was. Why? A part of me still wants to use. but what's the big fkn deal? It's my trap. If I don't want to spring it I don't have too. It's like putting down a bear trap, taking a few steps away from it, then walking twards it going boo hoo I'm gonna fall in the trap again! Hey idiot, just don't step on it. Another thing, obviously I still have major ex wife issues. I liked to pretend I didn't because I don't pull any of that psycho ex husband crap but I do, and I might as well let go of it because it's over and done with. Time to learn what I can from it and move on. Apparently I'm not happy with my life situation, but to think I have no life is bunk. Life was happening to me just today. I got some sorta silly date but it's not a date girl sh-t going on (nothing serious) plus I have a trip back home coming up this weekend where I'm going to see some people I haven't seen in years. All very life like sh-t. My problem is I just don't appreciate it. I have this notion I have to be wrestling bears on top of a stealth fighter while it's taking off and loaded up with TNT to consider myself living any sort of life. If I want life and adventure, it's right outside my door. I'm a grown man with no major responsibilities. The slate is completely clean right now. If I want it there's no reason not to go out and get it. Pissing and moaning is just childish. Yesterday was a bad friggin day, low on sleep, spent an hour digging my car out of the snow in freezing temperatures and wind, got into some sh-t at work, bla bla bla, but I made it through the day without P and survived. That counts for something. So more importantly today I'm clean, and I'm looking forward to the rest of it clean. Thanks again everybody. Just some more adds, to post some more thoughts and to cover my spelling corrections of previous posts. I gotta start making these at the end of the day instead of in the middle so I quit making these so stupid long. Took a look at recovery nation and started up the course. If it's BS I'll find out in 3 months. If it sucks and it doesn't help all I've wasted is time and I've done plenty of that already. That's not my attitude going into it however. I'm feeling pretty gung ho. Some guys on here are having a rough Tuesday and it's got me down a bit so I'm going to think about something that gives me a warm fuzzy. Guess I'll elaborate on this "gurl" situation a bit more. Relevance probably none, but fuggit. It's a woman at work 25 I think, I had the audacity to ask her out about ehh 2 weeks ago, and she said "No" I was cool with it. I'm not smitten with the girl or anything just think she's cute and kinda giggly. Thought it'd be fun. However now she's emailing me, stopping me at the watercooler and such and wants to go on a date but as friends but no pressure but then sorta makes it sound like a date but she wants to go out with me but she's got a boyfriend but she wants to be single bla bla bla. I'm thinking girl games and honestly, I love em. I'm pretty sure she's giving me the blowoff, and if she actually does have a bf I don't mess around with other people's relationships. I think what she wants is to mess with my head a bit. Anyway I love it, really brightens my work day up, and now I have a new friend. There you go. Some life. Now to log off and do something productive before bed. NOT P! No P! P bad! Life good!
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Post by addict70 on Dec 19, 2007 16:38:29 GMT -5
Day 10 still clean.
Who wants to hear the divorced guy ramble about his ex wife some more? You do, great, you've come to the right place.
OK I was thinking, why did I show up here and start talking like a guy who lost the love of his life, even got my head up my a$$ and started giving advice too the married guys like someone who went down the road they're supposedly headed. (I like to refer to last week as the emotional jerk off phase) Then get PO'd and turn around and start ranting about not wanting her back and F her and such. Guilt. That's all it is. It came to me like some (expletive) up there flicked on a light today. I feel guilty and selfish for leaving my wife.
But now you're saying to yourself "Addict70 I follow all your posts religiously looking for discrepancies, didn't she leave you?" That's not the whole story. I'm the one who dropped the hammer.
The end of my marriage was a slow process. After months of fruitless attempts to work at it we reached a stage of total apathy. She'd say sht like "You're gonna do what you're gonna do" and I'd say sht like "Do what you gotta do" There's things we could have done I'm sure, but we were through with eachother. That was it. It was just a waiting game to see who'd drop the "D" word first. I'm just the one that caved and got it over with. And that's why it went so smoothly. We both wanted it.
But here's the deal. Even at the end I always saw myself as my wife's protector and care taker. When we'd go out I'd flank her like secret service, I always tried to make sure she had whatever she needed and I thought it was my ultimate responsibility to make sure she was well and safe. I even laid some dude out early on for trying to take advantage of her when she was drunk. I don't normally do that kinda stuff. I'm not a violent guy.
After the divorce I let go of the romance and the grudges. They were gone already, it was well over, but I never let go of the sense of responsibility I had.
So here I am months later holding on to all that guilt for abandoning her. It's stupid guilt too. She can and is taking care of herself just fine. She always could. She's better off, I'm better off, we don't hate eachother, and for fuk's sake it was the right decision! So let it go a$$hole!
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Post by domorewithmylife on Dec 20, 2007 0:16:13 GMT -5
Good luck friend. We have a lot in common. You can do it!
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kall
New Member
Posts: 15
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Post by kall on Dec 20, 2007 5:04:20 GMT -5
Your journal is a great read. Keep it up dude
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Post by addict70 on Dec 20, 2007 16:22:34 GMT -5
Thanks again Kall. Glad some othe people like hearing me talk about myself as much as I like hearing me talk about myself. ;D
and thanks domorewithmylife. You're screename alone proves we have a ton in common.
So on to day 11, still clean
I started the day feeling pretty happy go lucky, then started thinking waaay too much and sorta ended up in one of those masses of frustrating confusion I seem to get into all the time. Lots of questions, no satisfying answers, leading to more and more questions. Maybe I'm pushing too hard for some sort of all curing self realization. Been at that for years. That crap about my ex wife though, that one pretty much hits the nail on the head, which gives me some hope that in time I can dig out the rest.
Getting this far from any sort of release, I'm starting to feel a real sort of well, longing. It's not really the same as the P-urge I'm so used too. Almost feels normal. But I find it both unsettling and reassuring at the same time if that makes any sense.
On the one hand I was always afraid I'd done so much damage to myself using this sh-t I'd never be able to associate with women in a healthy manner again. So it's reassuring to me that I can actually sort of long like this, without all that garbage spilling out of my brain. Dont get me wrong I'm not out oogling and leering, I just kinda feel lonely. Feels well, good I guess. Makes me feel like a man again even though it hurts a little.
On the other hand it does concern me. Is this going to make it tougher to stay away from the P? In the end that's my call. Maybe it's a matter of breaking the association between the two. Maybe it wont be so hard to figure out how to be sexually healthy after all. I can learn what the difference is between real human lust and this twisted sort of acting out. (I have no issue with lust. I think what I have is something that has nothing to do with sex at all) The answer is in me I know it. However there's no way I'm going to test any of this out now. I gotta keep my head out of the gutter. Maintain bro, maintain! *felt this needed a disclaimer. I do not fantasize, I do not pull the pug*
So I got a trip coming up this weekend to see some old bros and engage in some general stupidity and to see the fam for the holiday. I'm anxious as hell. I dont want to do it actually, but it could'nt have come at a better time. This combined with all the year end stuff I'm going to be doing at work is exactly what I need to shove me out of my comfort zone. These days I find I have to force myself out of it whenever I really want to do something, but once I'm out there mixing it up, I can never remember why I hesitated.
I've made a decision. My Xmas gift to myself is going to be quitting smoking. It's holding me back. I used to be obsessed with my health. I looked forward to my workouts. After awhile it was'nt about vanity anymore. It was about the discipline and challenge. Now it's back to a stupid vanity thing. Just occasional weights to maintain what I have, and even that's going sour fast. I've really biffed it on that one. So right when I get back I'm going to try and tap back into that passion. New Year's resolutions are for lightweights! Besides I could use the endorphins, and the release. Not to mention there's (gasp) people at the gym.
I have plenty of other commitments I want to make, but I think this is enough for now. From past experience I know too much and I'll feel overwhelmed, get freaked, and shell up like a pansy opting to play galaga and wank myself into oblivion instead.
So tonight I have packing to do, a favor for friend, my next lesson on recovery nation (the psychobabble and sh-tty clip art is starting to drive me nuts) and plenty of other stuff.
Cheers to new life.
update: f-k the RN course. I quit. That did'nt take long. I dont need some bs course promising "core value system matrix recovery based learning parameters" or whatever the hell they're talking about to do this. I have the answers in there somewhere. So f-k you and your phd. Tell your dean I said so.
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