|
Post by addict70 on Dec 9, 2007 15:28:43 GMT -5
I'm starting this journal today, and I'm planning on posting to it daily as an alternative to my habit. Today is day one and the starting point for what I hope will be the end once and for all of this useless and disgusting vice. Purgatory by Dante comes to mind. In purgatory the souls suffer as they do in hell, but unlike the souls in hell that are dragged down by the weight of their sin, they want to suffer. They're not held to their torments by jailors, they stay in flames and under rocks because of the burning desire they have to purge themselves of sin so they can ascend to heaven and be one with god. Now again I'm not a religeous man, but I found the Divine Comedy deeply moving on a personal level. For me the story is'nt about death, it's about our descent into torment, our hard disciplined climb of purgation, and our ascention into purity and justice. The first time I read the entire poem I put it down weeping and spent 30 days without P, so I evoke it again in the name of today's struggle. Sorry to be melodramatic, but hey, whatever works Also I'm open to commentary as I go through with this. If you have something to say please by all means do so, especially if it looks like I'm lapsing into self pity. One of the best things a recovering addict can have I think is someone to call them on their BS.
|
|
|
Post by addict70 on Dec 10, 2007 15:45:50 GMT -5
Right now marks 24 hours into my first day without P. I know from previous experience the first few days are easy. It's later this week and the weeks to come where things will get tough. My goal is to quit P like quitting smoking cold turkey. I wont ween myself off it or reduce it in any way. I will just stop and never start again. Whatever it takes.
|
|
|
Post by breakingfree on Dec 10, 2007 23:57:04 GMT -5
Daily journaling has been one of the cornerstones in my recovery. It give me a place to vent, to be heard, to get feedback, to be accountable, to better examine my thought, feelings and behaviors with some perspective.
I remember first reading Dante in the 9th grade and having a profound effect on me.
I have written elsewhere here that every P addict should have an opening PC screen that reads, "Abandon all hope, all ye who enter here"
Stay with us on your travel down the road of recovery. Don't be afraid to ask questions, discuss problems, share successes, share frustrations.
bf
|
|
|
Post by addict70 on Dec 11, 2007 2:58:11 GMT -5
Thanks breakingfree. I'm glad I found this place. You'll all be hearing alot from me I'm sure. ;D
|
|
|
Post by addict70 on Dec 11, 2007 17:31:31 GMT -5
Today was a bad day and I'm glad I dicided to hit this place before doing anything else. Only a little over 48 hours and the urge is hitting again. I think I've ID'd a trigger. Stress and irritation. I did'nt really think about P all day, but now that I'm home alone all the sudden there's that lingering urge escape and waste an entire evening again on P. Well heck with that! Today I am a fanatic. I'm going to log off of here, take a nap, hit the gym and go out tonight whether I want to or not. I have better things to do. My fanaticism is no P today. I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow. The voice can just go F itself. I've already received some supportive PM's and messages from a few of you. You guys rock!
|
|
|
Post by addict70 on Dec 12, 2007 15:54:04 GMT -5
Well it's the next day and I made it. No P yesterday and there will be no P today. I'm stuck in the apartment today for most of the night so I must remain vigilant, especially since I'm alone and there's nothing to stop me but me.
Last night's clubbing was a bit of a bore, but I at least I got out of the house. I think my chances of success will be better if I dont let myself stay cooped up in this crappy little apartment all the time.
I thought up a silly analogy for myself. I'm big into reading about wars and such, so my P addiction is the invader. I've expelled the invader and right now I have my army set up as a wall of defence to hold at all costs. We build our strength until we can go on the attack and drive the invader back. If there is a breakthrough (relapse, which I'm 100% committed to not letting happen) it's a setback yes but we dont just drop arms and surrender, we contain the breakthrough, drive it back, and re-establish the line. Silly, but it works for me. Today the command is stand your ground, hold out at all costs, dont give an inch so we can push forward to final victory. I have'nt worked out the details on air power and armour formations yet. ;D
I'm adding to this because today is freakin hard and I think I need to write. I feel as if the urge is just beneath the surface. Every thought that pops in I snuff out, but there's this pressure. I'm 100% confident I'll make it through the night, but this pressure scares me. What if it does'nt let up? Can I really remain vigilant every moment? My god how bad have I gotten if the drive is pulling at me this hard this soon? I remember a few weekends ago, staying up 24 hours keeping a nearly constant weekend binge going only to finally end it realizing the only reason I would'nt stop was because I didnt want to have to come back to reality and look at myself in the mirror. I dared for once and did, and here's this pathetic red eyed unshaven welp in front of me. I was a mess. Now there's the voice again "think of how good it'd feel to relapse right now, think of the thrill" I answer "think how bad I'd feel after, how doubtful I'd feel after all this talk of hope and determination." What the voice is really asking me to do is cheat myself. F now I realize I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I got myself into this mess and I'll get myself out of it. Not tomorrow, not after one more hit, today, right freakin now and every single moment that follows. Withstanding the pressure and remaining vigilant will only make me stronger. I'm not going to reason about it or negotiate with it. Today, again, I'm a fanatic. A bombs strapped to the chest to the death fanatic. Stand your ground boys!
Sorry for the rambly stream of conciousness. I just think it helps me keep my head together.
OK, I'm going to get off the internet now and read a book or something. The board is great but I just need to get the heck away from my computer. I'm ready to sledgehammer this stupid thing.
|
|
|
Post by addict70 on Dec 13, 2007 16:26:13 GMT -5
Made it yesterday, made it the day before, both hard freakin days. Today is almost funny. I'm stuck in the apartment because of a snow storm so tonight is going to be hard too. I realized yesterday though why it's so hard after such a short time where as before it was'nt. I've gotten worse. I did'nt realize it but my problem has really overtaken me, or at least it did, because these last few days I've been clean. Again I'll handle today like I did the difficult days previous. Absolute commitment, no excuses, no self pity, and no cowardly surrender. The voice says today "hey you're feeling amourous so it's OK, because it's only unhealthy when you do it because you feel compelled to" To hell with that! I'm going to have to do this one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I must be committed every second. I dont care how hard it will be. I will succeed!
|
|
backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
|
Post by backstabber on Dec 13, 2007 17:13:47 GMT -5
That damn voice need to shut up!
When I have a really ugly need for p, I do some push ups! I've done quite a few today!
You are good for fighting it! It will make you stronger!
When I fall down from my horse from exhaustion, with my damaged armor and knives and arrows sticking out of my back, I fall down with a smile. As my soul leaves my body, it knows that I have done good. It knows that I have lived, not to win, but to fight.
Do not give up brother!
|
|
|
Post by addict70 on Dec 13, 2007 18:10:51 GMT -5
That damn voice need to shut up! When I have a really ugly need for p, I do some push ups! I've done quite a few today! You are good for fighting it! It will make you stronger! When I fall down from my horse from exhaustion, with my damaged armor and knives and arrows sticking out of my back, I fall down with a smile. As my soul leaves my body, it knows that I have done good. It knows that I have lived, not to win, but to fight. Do not give up brother! Thanks backstabber! The past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions and self realizations. I do feel battered, but standing strong. I feel like I want to scream at it "You'll never bread this wall down! NEVER!" May our steeds carry us to final victory! ;D
|
|
|
Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 14, 2007 5:23:55 GMT -5
keep it going addict70, keep up the good spirits, its always going to be hard, I find the hardest times being alone, and infront of the computer, I'm trying to learn to get out of those times at all costs, I think its important, No matter what you are doing on the computer, if you are having serious urges, Id reccomend getting out, I know from my acting out, it always in 99% of the time happens, while getting urges infront of the computer.
Keep it going, the pushups are great, maybe you could keep challenging yourself, and to see how many pushups you can do.
|
|
|
Post by addict70 on Dec 14, 2007 16:02:01 GMT -5
Thanks tomlincolnsixecho. All these words of support have been a big help to me over the past few days. It really makes feel like I'm not going at this alone for a change. Isolation is one of my beasts favorite tools. A good ol fasioned pushup is a great exercize. Tonight I'm hitting the gym to work on upping my bench. I'm all man ;D Today feels easier, which I'd like to say is a result of my iron will weakening the enemy, but its more likely just the normal lull in my drive so I cant let my gaurd down. I think I let my gaurd down a little and started daydreaming about tonight's possibilities and drifted a bit too far into fantasy, so I outloud said to myself "Stop that crap!" Though I swore more. I'm kinda foul mouthed. I'll have to kick that habit some day too. I decided to stop using the war analogy. Though from reading through these I see alot of people feel the same way I do, like there's a war going on in their head, and there's nothing wrong with that. The reason is for me there's the seeds of failure in it. An army, no matter how hard it stands can be overcome by force where as I, in my urges, cannot. I could say to myself "I held out as hard as I could, but the force was just too great" and that's just BS. In order for the P urge to win I have to let it. There's a concious decision on my part to use P. That is what cant happen. I have to take responsibility for the fact that every time I acted out, it was'nt because of the drive, or because I was too weak, it's because I decided to do it. The thought humbles me, and that's good. So today again my goal is no P. I worry about tomorrow tomorrow.
|
|
backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
|
Post by backstabber on Dec 14, 2007 17:20:24 GMT -5
You are right, it's all our fault every time we make a slip. It is because we decided to do so.
I like this saying: "A man does not chose what nationality he will be, or what skin color he will be, or how tall he will be, or how handsome he will be. A mans only choice is he will be good or bad."
Lets try and be good. It ain't easy, but it's rewarding.
|
|
|
Post by addict70 on Dec 14, 2007 17:44:49 GMT -5
Lets try and be good. It ain't easy, but it's rewarding. "Do or do not, there is no try" One of my pops favorite Yoda sayings. ;D Say it with me man, we WILL be good today! And in the end victory shall be ours at last!
|
|
backstabber
Junior Member
The man with no plan
Posts: 51
|
Post by backstabber on Dec 14, 2007 17:56:51 GMT -5
We will be good from now on forever!
We have to. These 40 or whatever day's without p are a joke. We need to shake it off for good. That means acknowledging that we have done a bad thing by watching p, and that we will not do it ever again.
Unfortunately whatever we reed here won't make us stop doing it. We need to get the thoughts out of our head for good. We need to change entirely.
|
|
|
Post by addict70 on Dec 15, 2007 10:32:17 GMT -5
If you're reading you might want to skim this one as it's insanely long. Sorry.
Today will be my first Saturday clean. Weekends are when the worst binges occured in the past, so I'm going to stay sharp and be ready to snuff out anything I think might put me on the road to acting out. There's no excuse not to make it through the weekend. Last night had it's rough spots. I felt as though my focus was slipping and every time it did, there's the thoughts sneaking in. I'm not going to let that discourage me. I still made it through last night clean, I'll still make it through today clean. Entertaining the thought, and worst off acting out would be my fault.
When I started this I knew it was going to be rough going, but I didnt think it was going to be this hard or this constant. It does'nt matter though. I'm still going to pull through now matter how hard it is. I turn to speak to you, but I would'nt dare step out of the cleansing fire of purgation. Let it hurt, this is'nt the pain of my disintegration, this is the pain of my cleansing. I must go all the way through it, around the mountain over and over if I ever want to be free.
I'm now getting clearer on what exactly my plan needs to be. Before my goal was just no P. I did'nt worry about MB or if a situation came up for sexual activity (though it has'nt). I have'nt engaged in any MB since I started this because I have'nt been allowing myself to have any sexual thoughts at all and I think I should continue to do so. I dont think there's anything wrong with it, but for me right now I think the only way to do this and be successful is to devote myself to absolute celibacy. I'm not clear enough in my head to identify the difference between healthy sexual acts, and just plain acting out yet which makes me reconsider my notion that my teenage P use was "normal". How the hell would I know? I'm not mentally sound right now. My previous attempts were monkey wrenched by MB sessions to "release the pressure" or even by sex with the wife while I still had one, but afterwards rather than becoming easier, things just got harder and eventually I'd relapse. I dont like the idea of having to remain celibate, but I must accept it. The positive spin on that is I'm a musician and an artist and I beleive pent up sexual energy can release itself creatively. Maybe in the weeks to come I'll feel inspired. I've already been working on my creative persuits more than usual.
I have a bias against therapists having been forced to go to many in my youth, some who I feel did'nt know what they were doing. It's something though that I'm seriously considering giving a second chance. Right now my therapist is a carton of American Spirits, loud music, and a hacking cough. But if I need to chain smoke to get through this right now so be it. I quit P today, I'll worry about smoking tomorrow.
Deep down I think I know what needs to be done, it's just a matter of accepting it and doing it. The end of my P addiction will also be the end of my self deciet. I know P addiction is'nt something I can ever really hope to completely end. These voices dont just die. I'll be a P addict forever, but as my father once told me when you do something you punch for the back of the head. You shoot further than your target so you push through as far as you can go. My long term goal is to completely snuff this out of my life, not manage or parlay with it. If in the end that's left me with a constant addiction, absolute celibacy, and the tools to never act out I've still gained victory.
On another note I'm a drinker. In my youth alot of bad things happened because I had a tendancy to binge drink rather than deal with my problems. After my divorce I took up the bottle again however with less messy results, though I've done my share of partying. Since quitting this however my urge to drink rather than increasing as I expected has really decreased. I'm afraid to drink because it lowers my inhibitions, and I feel it could easily be the key the beast needs to break through. I dont honestly beleive I'm an alcoholic. For now though I think I should give up the occasional bloody mary I'd have on those boring evenings and keep it to a minimum when I go out partying. No more getting drunk. If for some reason I do get drunk despite my intention not too, then it's time to really evaluate my drinking habit, but that still wont be an excuse to resort to P. Gotta be careful not to set myself up for failure here. I'm a pro at doing that.
Jeez I have to live like a friggin monk.
Also, just to make this post frustratingly long to all those reading ;D my thoughts on blocking software. I considered getting a blocker or accountibility software but decided not too. First off I think I'm computer savy enough to find my way around them if I really wanted to, and secondly there's that excuse "I'll just test it to see if it works, OK it did'nt, software's fault not mine" P is available via internet, via mail order, via stores, whatever. Where there's a will there's a way. I need to not act out in any format. It's too easy for me to blame the internet. If software is a part of your plan please dont take this as me saying you should'nt use it. This journal is just about me and my struggle. If it works for you then I have I'm 100% behind you in that.
If you've made it through this entire post you have reading stamina indeed. I salute your patience.
|
|