My New Journey

[rmbohanek]

Well, I am just starting. And have seen from reading some of y'all's journals that it is a good outlet. And rather then doing a journal on my own computer, I think this is a better place, because I can read your struggles as well.

I am addicted to netsex, which includes P, but my drug of choice is online chatting. I now see that my problems probably started 13/14 years ago when I first logged onto irc. I was taken in by the easy access to people that wanted to talk about sex. It opened up my eyes and gave me a place where I wasn't rejected, or wasn't rejected for very long, as there was always someone new to chat to.

Over the years, irc has remained my drug of choice. I have delved into other online chat forums and picture site. The picture sites have never been professional, and have always preferred amatuer P. I have been on Adult Friend Finder in the past and have used craigslist as well.

I am a professional whose job requires alot of online time. In addition, I peruse the internet for really positive things that bring joy to me. I have several podcasts I listen to, and am subscribed to probably almost 100 RSS feeds that I scan everyday to keep up on technology. I also use the internet for just general recreation, apart from P and chatting. So my challenge is to find out how to keep that part which I would feel like a shell without, but be on a recovery path with respect to chatting and P.

My recovery plan for the moment
- have installed CE on my computer, do not have an accountability partner yet, but have offered that to my wife as a sign that I am changing. As a backup I have actually asked my sister to do it as well. Both are waiting for my first session with a therapist
- I have an appointment with a therapist next week for a first session to see where to go
- I am starting to come here every day, though when i asked for advice in the general forum, I got a flippant answer that irked me a little. Now I am going to come to the journals and see how much I am not alone
- Meetings will be very hard for me to go to because of a general anxiety with being in new group surroundings. I can public speak, that isn't the problem, it is just new social surroundings like that that are hard and make me want to take refuge in P and C.

Marital situation
W wants to take some time to stand on her own two feet. She is a recovering alcoholic and feels that she can't give me the support that she wants to, and that I need to stand on my own as well. So, it looks like now that she will be moving out and living on her own for about the next 6 weeks.
She wants to see changes, apparently above and beyond what I have already done. I don't know how I show change from a distance and this distance will be almost 1300 miles. I want to change. I really do need to change. Most of all, above all else, I can not lose her.
I am really scared of a life without her in it. For two reasons, I am scared of her lapsing, and with her disease if she lapses there is a real likelihood of death as a result. I could never forgive myself for that, and almost don't think I shoudl be forgiven. On my own without her in my life I am fearful of the dark path that I see in front of me. However, I don't really know if I care to be good for myself if she is not there to share in my triumph and my joy. I see a very dark and sad life without her. Yes, that makes us co-dependent, and yes, I should want this just for myself. But call me stupid and naive with recovery, I want to be better so that my wife and I are better.

Well, those are my thoughts for today. I am going to try and post at least once a day as part of my newly revised recovery plan. I need help, and I think I am getting it. I think I have changed my outlook, and don't know what else to do.

thanks for listening....and in the spirit of recovery...I am open to comments....

Bob

[davstl1]

Hey,

Welcome to the forum. Im very new here as well. I find it very helpful when people read and post positive comments. I try and read, learn, and post as well. I highly recommend it, as it is working for me.
I made a deal with myself...if the need to look at P is overwhelming, I must first come to this forum. It is working. If I log on here first, it calms my need to look at pornography.
I check in here often. I read more than i write (at least so far).
You're doing the right thing. You're making a change! Keep fight'n the fight!

[william1000]

Hi rmbohanek
Great start to your journal.
You sound as if you have yourself in a pretty tricky situation.
The best thing you can do is to fix yourself.
As for your wife you can offer her all the support in the world. I don't if she needs fixing but I think its very hard to fix someone else.
I think you will gain alot of confidence in yourself if you clean up your own situation.
If you overcome those obstacles then it will be alot easier for her to love and accept you.
This distance is a real issue. She may feel the need for this but it could be very destructive.
When you put distance between people and their is some doubt it can multiply.
Maybe you should write to her (even better if its on paper) and show her how much you love her. That way you might start chipping away at the wall that is between you.
I really hope you are successful in your journey and that your wife heals and restores herself as well.
Human beings are fragile and very easily break that is why we need each other.
I look forward to the day we read here that you are back together.
Its a long hard road you are taking but I think you now its right. It is the Road Less Travelled. Most people don't really try to fix their problems but hide them
You have been brave.
Kind Regards
William

[rmbohanek]

Well, almost the end of my work day. Yes, I can do Internet at work, and have CE on this computer. :-)

I have exchanged some emails with people from here and am pretty hopeful that I can build a support structure through here that I can turn to.

I wrote a letter to W and outlined my plan just as I put it here, as well as wrote some commitments to her:
- I commit to coming here before I go to any P site. If I want to look at P or chat, I come here first. No promises after that, but I come here first. Kinda like an alcoholics "I will call someone if I want to drink, but no promises about not drinking."
- I commit to keeping my therapis apointment
- I commit to writing in this journal once a day

I do have good news. I think I have her considering taking time to herself here in the same town versus 1300 miles away. Plus it puts a definite end to the time away for me, making me hopeful and not fearful that a separation is just a prelude to a divorce.

I know I have to do this for myself in the long term. But right now I really need her around and supporting me, not abandoning me. that is what I am feeling if she goes 1300 miles...that I am being abandoned. My feelings. I am allowed to have them.. :-)

Okay....I won't commit to posting tonite before bed, but I will commit to posting tomorrow morning.

Am hopeful that I can do this now...am hopeful that perhaps even if I am alone, I can not be by myself, if that makes sense.

love to all,

[rmbohanek]

Well, W is home. She is considering staying home instead of taking the time to herself. So I am hopeful. I am actually here at my computer smiling as I am downloading software, listening to my music, playing with my MediaCenter, getting it upgraded. I am happy in this place. This is the good part of the Internet and computer for me. The tinkering with my stuff and tweaking it til it can do what I want it to do. The next project is getting my MediaCenter to control my satellite receiver.

Well, I am going to actually sign off for the night and post more in the morning. We have Survivor to watch, and we are going for a ride together Saturday morning. And though I am not intensely religious I think I will find some solace in church again, so I expressed a desire to start attending church on a regular basis, not every week, but regularly.

This is my plan, to take every day as its own gift. To be better for myself and for us. I will be good tonite, tomorrow will take care of itself.

good night to all and may your path be exactly what you need for you.

[rmbohanek]

It is a new day. Another day on the road to betterness.

We watched Survivor and had an urge that came out of nowhere. the survivors had their family member come on the show and one of the sisters was very pretty. All I could think about was how pretty she was and that somewhere on the net there was someone that looked like that that I could talk to. My chatting patterns are usually with younger women right around her age, she was 20. So, I was surprised that I felt that way. I didn't say anything to W last night as I wanted a day to process it and talk to her tonite about it. I was watching TV with her, so wouldn't have had a chance to satisfy the urge even if I wasn't sober in my recovery. But before I started down this path, I probably would have contrived some reason to go off to my office and start to find people to chat to. Last night, I had left the computer to watch the computer and have committed to my wife to not going in my office during the night after we turn in to bed. I was able to honor that commitment last night. Yeah.

I am on another board where I am keeping a recovery thread as I work through their program and already my reasons for recovery are being called into question. why can't my reason for recovery this early be the saving of my marriage, or at least a good part of it. why is it wrong to want to really show my change to my wife so she doesn't move 1300 miles away this weekend. why is it wrong to want/need her to be here and support me during this early recovery. why is it so imperative that I want this just for myself, and is it so important that I have to do it on my own right now without her help. When I was involved in my wife's first treatment, I did a day as a family member and got that crap about what the program should look like and what I should feel, and how I should detach. It pissed me off then, and the high and might from that other board is pissing me off right now. It is my life, it is my choice. This is what I need to be safe and supported right now. I need my wife. Can I do it without her here, with her being 1300 miles away, I hope so, I want to. But why do I have to take the harder path. why is it wrong to want and fight for an easier path. Recovery from this is already soo frakking hard without anything else to make it harder.

Wow, thought this was going to be a short post. Well those are my feelings this morning. Comment if you want to, always looking for advice, even if it conflicts with what I think. :-)

thanks,
bob

[rmbohanek]

Wow. It's amazing how the 'stinkin thinkin' gets started. Walking down to get a coke and I pass a very pretty woman in the hall. I don't oogle, just keep walking. Never felt comfortable staring at women, anyway. Well, I keep walking and think to myself well I will be alone on Sunday. I can go talk to women just like her then. Stopped me in my tracks, figuratively. W is leaving for a week. I got a compromise. Instead of going 1300 miles away, she if going just two hours away to get some separation, with a confirmed return date. So, a little victory, I guess. but I thought about it more, and what really hurt was that I was crying out for help, and wasn't getting it. I read somewhere else here that sometimes we sound like children...I want this, I want this...well, "I want help" is just like being a kid. Well the hardest thing was asking for help and being told nope, you need to help yourself. She is right. But it makes it easier knowing she is closer and there is direct evidence that she is really not leaving me for good.

Anyway...the rest of the day was good except for that one moment. And when I thought about it, I thought, I got to journal about that. Takes all the thunder out of it. I won't commit to journaling every moment like that, but I will commit to thinking about it and thinking about journaling it, taking the sting out. And every now and then when it comes from out of nowhere I will talk about it to myself here.

And evidence that our Higher Powers appear in strange ways, I ran across this today in my blog reading:

zenhabits.net/

Talks about living life consciously. Making conscious decisions. I guess there is a lot of truth in that for all of us. Our choices haven't been consccious, they've been easy. I need to make them hard. And though I won't commit to never looking at P or Chatting online, I will commit to myself that it will be a conscious choice. I will choose that. But before I choose it, I will be here talking about it....then no promises, but always come here first.

Well, almost another day at work gone. now I have the weekend to look forward to...have a long car drive with W for tomorrow morning that will be fun. Sunday she leaves for a week. That will be hard, but it will be good for her, and I will be good for myself, and by extension we will both be better for ourself.

an ok day. but ok is good enough for now. :-)

[rmbohanek]

Am alone tonite. Am being good and feel strong. Did some general geekery on my media center computer, and am working through the quirks of it, which is always fun.

Have a nice morning drive planned for tomorrow with W. Haven't told her about my two out of the blue urges yet because she wasn't home when I got home. She went to a meeting and was spending some time after with a friend of hers. If it isn't too late tonite, I am going to tell her then. Would you ever tell your SO about an urge in a written note. I am pretty tired today and may fall asleep before she gets home.

Anyway, today was an ok day. I was sober for today, and am going to keep sober for the rest of the night.

CE is hilarious. I have been watching my reports and it flagged a post about the new movie Speed Racer as being questionable. :-) At least it will make my report interesting for my AP when I get one.

I am looking forward to a good weekend. Sunday will be hard when I say goodbye to W as she leaves for 5 days. I know she has to do it, but it will be hard. Will probably come here to journal it.

Everyone have a good friday night. Will post tomorrow.

P.S. I didn't know that the board automatically flags links. It is a good one, though. As I come across them I will post more that my HP puts in front of me for good reading.

[rmbohanek]

Saturday morning. I committed to posting once a day in here, so this may be my only one today as I am going to try and spend the large majority of the day with W.

We are going on the ride this morning. Just added some songs to the playlist for the ride. I am looking forward to this and have an inner smile on my face.

I feel better and more alive today then when I was gripped and owned by my addiction. I feel strong that I can make conscious decisions and live my life consciously. I know this won't last. But today I feel strong and vibrant, alive and silly. Exactly the person that I want to be and was.

TTFN

[rmbohanek]

Today is going to be a hard day.

W left for 5 days. Just a few hours away, but still away. Going to hard with her not here.

I will be sober today, though. I will be.

My plan for today is a movie, trip to Best Buy and some driving around the area. Watch some football, talk to my sister later today.

As I watched some of the pre-game stuff for football today I was struck at how subtle the sexual queues are in advertisements. I found myself distracted by them, actually, suddenly realizing that it has been a trigger for me in the past. Again, more examples of how pervasive this disease is. Do other addicts have it this hard. This is supposed to be a good part of us as humans and our addiction has turned it all against us. It is sad, and maybe at some point I need to mourn the loss of that.

The other thing I was thinking this morning as I was out back with the dogs is that one part of this process for me should be a maturing. That I need to stop trying to fantasize about what could have been in my life. That what if this or that hadn't happened, or trying to recapture lost opportunities. I am in the now. I am asking W to look forward more then look back. Let my present actions show my future intentions, but my dream-mind doesn't do the thing. Maybe maturity is the realization that life is what it is. We go forward and do things, not sit in the present and wonder what could have been. Be in the moment. Look forward, accept our mortaility and that we will never do everything we want to do in life. There are some things that we can not do anymore. Maybe that is maturity.

Today is 7 days, one week for me. Yeah, me. Am I happy about week 2, no not really, it just gets harder. I know that creating new habits is a long process, and breaking an addiction is not creating a new habit. But I need to break my habits that made it easier for myself to slip and make that conscious decision to look, or chat. I need the new habits of being healthy for myself. I am building them, but it will not be easy. Week 2 is just beginning.

I will be sober today. If I have the urge, I will come here. I will be safe for myself.

[rmbohanek]

Yesterday was tougher for me then I thought it would be. Have been riding a high of recovery. I guess today is the realization that it is not going to be a simple fix. That I can't just smile my way through it. It is going to be a struggle that I wage every day. Have read a few other journals from people where the journal is a chronicling of their continuous struggle between recovery and relapse. I cry for them, and rejoice in their continued attitude to get back up and try it again. I hope I have their strength when I slip.

I was sober yesterday, though. Had a few light urges but it wasn't that which made it hard. It was just the sheer size of the damn mountain I have to climb. Yes, one step at a time is a way to take it, and I have been, but yesterday I looked at the mountain. Damn that thing is high.

I have my therapist appointment tomorrow. Have a work thing that I am bowing out of because she has no other openings. So small victory for me. I could have used work as an excuse, but I am not. And actually had to get special permission to get out of the work thing. Kinda hard though, when the question is asked, "what's up"...answer..."doctor's appointment"..."hope everything's ok"...."everythings fine, just need to do it now"....

Well, it's almost lunch time. I am ok. I will be okay.

Today I will be sober. Today I will be what I want to be.

cheers,
bob

[rmbohanek]

Talked to W on the phone last night. I think I am doing the right things for me right now at this stage in my recovery. This journal has become the cornerstone for me. It is an outlet that I can use, and I can talk, publicly, about what is going through my head. It is also my first place to go if I want to slip. I know the first decision to look or chat is mine, after that, I am just back into the throes of my addiction. But the first choice is mine. And this board is my first choice. CE has been pretty good, though I am getting a little mad at it, with the perception that it is pooching the rest of my Internet connections. Feels like my computer is slower on the Internet then it should be. I am a speed junkie in general, so that is a bit of a friction for me.

Anyway, some of my fears with W are being realized. I am worried that in order for her to feel that I am changing that I need to work a program of recovery that meets with her approval. That failing to do things that she thinks I should do is fatal, and that I am therefor just white-knuckling this. I have let her work her recovery in her own way, or at least think I do, and she has always not made the choices I wish she would have. I am alittle hurt that she can't give me that same space. I am doing what I need to be safe for myself. I am not going to meetings, as I have personal issues with that. I only read about half of the book she thought I should read (why did you stop reading the book? was the question I was asked last night - she has it now, and can see that I highlighted portions of it, but then she noted where the highlighting stopped). I hope that she can measure my success in my sobriety, not how I got there. If I have to walk a certain path, my long term health is in jeopardy. If I can walk my own path, I will feel more empowered.

Today is my therapist appointment. A very scary yeah. I hope there is a good connection there, and I don't have to go searching for a new one. I will probably write more tonite after I get home about it.

Today I will be sober. Today I will be what I want to be.

[rmbohanek]

Had a good session with a therapist yesterday. Also had another contentious conversation with W. We talked and I am still very fearful that she will be measuring my success by how well I do the things she thinks I should be doing. I did stick up for myself. We both want the same thing, the result. We are just disagreeing on the process and I told her I need the freedom to walk my own path because that is stronger. She called later and apologized for managing my own recovery. Though one thing she said which was really powerful. She said she wants to make it better for us. Her heart is really in the right place, and I think as long as am successful in my own mind and walk a path of honest recovery, we are going to be ok, I am going to be ok.

Last night was good. Have some problems with GERD when I eat too late, or go to bed too early. I have always used it as an excuse that I am up anyway so I might as well chat. I have been able to channel it to other things during this, such as reading or just sitting up and watching tv. But not going onto the computer and getting sucked down into chatting. Little success.

So, that is today. Today I will be good. Today I will be safe. Today I will be what I want to be: happy, silly, self-confident and secure in my sobriety.

[rmbohanek]

Last night was ok. Got a good night's sleep. Actually fell asleep at about 9. Got woke up by W calling and was kinda groggy when I talked to her. Hope that she doesn't go down a dark path regarding that. I am wondering how everyone else manages this. There is no way that we can be "on" all the time with our SO's. I am on such high alert for the questions she asks or how she asks them, or pauses. How do you handle the moments when you are just off due to other things. Does your SO immediately assume that you are starting down the path to a slip?

I talked to her this morning and it was a pretty good conversation. Not having her around makes me worry about all the other advice she is getting from people. Hell, if she was my sister I think I would be telling her to run to the hills. I can't manage that, but am very very very scared of a life without her.

Anyway, more of the same, I guess. Reading some material that my therapist sent to me. Have a new partner in recovery through email, which is nice. Someone who looks to be alot like me so he can really understand what I am going through.

am also beginning a new hobby, as well as reading more. Trying to channel all the energy that I put into P and chatting into productive things. Hard to do it when alone, though.

Well, today is today. I am going to be good. I am going to be safe. And today I will try to be what I want to be. I can visualize my life as I want it in my head. Now I need the magic wand to make it happen. :-)

TTFN

[rmbohanek]

Seems like W and I are going over the same ground with what she wants from me with respect to recovery and what I think will work for me. They are not the same thing. I know what I am doing is working.

My plan so far:
- journal here every day - CHECK
- see a therapist - CHECK, with a schduled appointment next week
- every day commit to being sober that day - CHECK
- office door never closed - CHECK
- come here before chatting or looking at P - actually haven't needed to do that as my urges haven't risen to the level of needing that short circuit
- re-engaging with things I enjoy - yep, getting back to the fun computer things I used to do. Played Desktop Tower Defense last night and had so much fun. If anyone has ever played that game..imagine the 8 bit voice "Let's Go!!!"

Well, I am trying to get her to refocus her attention on the results and not the process. I like to think I did that for her, focusing on the results of her own recovery, not the way she got there, because there were lots of times she did things I didn't agree with.

Anyway, that was last night, and it still irks me this morning.

Had another post on Zen Habits that was alittle applicable to me, and I think might be applicable to alot of other people. Talks about decluttering your mind. I think the urges to chat and look at P have cluttered my mind with thoughts and unrealistic dreams. Unrealistic dreams that not only were unrealistic, but were unacceptable. For fear of being triggering to other people just safe to say that some of the stuff I fantasized about was really not acceptable, at least I see that now. Anyway, another reading that might be helpful

zenhabits.net/2007/12/15-cant-miss-ways-to-declutter-your-mind/

It is friday, but i will post over the weekend. Have my dad visiting us this weekend and have some other fun things planned as well. W comes home tomorrow, but then leaves for a pre-planned vacation with her best friend on Wednesday. I think all this time apart has been good for us in a way, but I am fearful as we roll into the new year that the magnitude of a new year will be too much for her. Well, I am not going to focus on that until January 1, at least for me. It will be 2 weeks on Sunday for me. Yeah. So today I am going to be good and safe. And I feel that I am who I want to be at this moment. Have a rosy outlook on the future, no clutter in my mind about P and chatting. That is today. And that is all I can control.