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Post by rmbohanek on Dec 16, 2007 9:39:35 GMT -5
I missed yesterday. Was having a great day, though. W came home from her one week away. Have a banquet to go to today (Sunday). And my dad is flying in tonite. The last bit has caused alot of problems though. W has issues with him. Heck, I have issues with him. She came home yesterday and within five minutes said she had something to talk to me about. Well, my ears perk up and want to get it out in the open. I am walking around on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to drop. She said she can't be here when my dad is here. She has a trip planned leaving on WEdnesday (this has been planned for a while) so it would just be a couple of days away. But I go into panic mode and hurt mode. It's just hard when all I want to do is be with her and talk to her and show her that everything is going to be ok that everytime we get back together, she has to leave. All I want is her help, all I want is her support, and all I get is her back. It is not making staying sober any easier. To fall back into it would be so easy. So enticing. And so accepting. No one on there has problems with my dad. No one on there is abandoning me, or if they do there is the next high just waiting around the bend.
We did have a good day though yesterday. But it all came to a head last night when she wanted to just leave for tonite, and I was worried about her parking the car at the hotel parking lot. Screwed up priorities, but still. So we got into this huge thing were I accused her of abandoning me again. And that was just the start of this slide into the abyss where I am not so sure about my marriage right now. All I want to do is fight. And all she can say is she doesn't know if she can trust me, she doesn't know if she can respect me. This last bit really hurts when it comes from an alcoholic who should be smart enough about addiction to know that I am powerless over my own addiction. That her saying she doesn't respect me means she doesnt really believe this is a problem that I can't solve on my own. But yet, I get that.
So she asked me last night if I journaled. I hadn't but told her the truth straight away. And instead of I am sad that you didn't journal, I get anger that I missed something. again, if I am not 100%, I am failing. It's such bull(expletive), but I am so tenuous right now, that I have to play that game.
Anyway, that is my sunday entry. I am sober right now, and thankfully I have things to do today, or else I would be scared. I wish i had the silver bullet or the way to show W that things have changed for the better. But she is hung up on her crap.
I am going to be good today, and I will try and be what I want to be. I don't know if I can do it today, though. I mean being the happy silly guy I want to be. But I will be good. And tomorrow is tomorrow.
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Post by rmbohanek on Dec 17, 2007 16:03:58 GMT -5
Yippie, I made it to page 2. I feel great that I have been able to stick with it long enough. Yesterday was 14 days (2 weeks for me). Yeah, me.
Today is better. Actually yesterday was a better day with W. I know this is sexist but sometimes she does go through her mood swings (and this is her time of the month). She is also bipolar so helping her manage her own moods and find a nice balance is part of my job too. As I am going through this, I am the origin of unease and stress, so hard to also be the solution. also hard to react one day to the next.
Have my next therapist appointment on wednesday morning, so that will be good.
Other then that, nothing more to report, other then I am into season three of my rewatching of Battlestar Galactica, and Lost returns at the end of January. YEAH!!!!
Well, it is today and today will be a good day. I will be sober and safe. And I will be what I want to be, silly happy and solidly balanced. I can be that today. :-)
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Post by rmbohanek on Dec 19, 2007 10:09:11 GMT -5
Darn, missed yesterday as well. Maybe its my life righting itself. Maybe it's just being way too busy. Maybe I am getting complacent in that I have enough of a foundation to be good for the rest of my life. The last one is the one that scares me. I hope its just the second one, with a touch of the first.
Anyway, have my second therapist appointment today. Am going to transition from private paying to insurance paying. compromise between wife and me. As well all know, these sessions are not cheap. So when she said I want you to go every week for a while and that is my expectation, I go wooah...do you know how much that is. Was a little wary at first of having it show up in my health care plan, but I guess that's a little risk I need to take.
Other then that things are going ok. I am feeling better about myself and of life. I have felt a decreased urge level and major triggers seem to be in control. I do get some low level urges when I am in an excited state. As that was always a trigger to go and be mentally stimulate when i was already physically there. Hasn't been much of a fight and been fairly easy to deal with. Other then that, no urges to speak of. I am looking at it like a thing i used to do for whatever reason but one I don't think i need in my life. That there are other things in life to do and be involved in.
I guess this is a maturing process. Who knows. All I know is that I am happy, feel silly, feel alive. Want this feeling for the rest of my life.
So, I will have a clear head today, be fully engaged in life, not going through it in a shadow of deception and self-gratification by way of internet stuff.
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Post by rmbohanek on Dec 20, 2007 20:06:46 GMT -5
Today was a pretty uneventful day. Was a bit too busy to be faced with dark thoughts or with urges. Got some christmas shopping done and took care of a few items hanging at work as well as provided some backstop to other people at work.
Had a good therapist meeting yesterday. She seems to be really good for me, allowing the sessions to meander through organically. She gave me some thoughts about working with my wife, but also provided some focus on the whole I need to do recovery for myself. Not so much that I have to do this for myself but that I can't control what W thinks or does. I can't control if she comes back to a position of trusting me, and I have to accept that she may never do that, that I may do everything that I need to do for myself and it doesn't end up how I want. that is kinda hard to swallow and will be something I need time to process as I am very results-driven, goal-oriented. She also worked me through the negative of thinking about this as something I can never do. How it really breaks down our barriers and our defenses that we build up during recovery. That was powerful. Just something that I need to come to some acceptance in that I need to work this if I really want this out of my life.
I do feel more engaged in life with a clearer head and no real need to occupy my time with the dark things. They feel so good at the time, but how much time each of us devotes to them. How quick the time goes. I have some projects that I want to tackle that I can tackle better if I have a clear head. I can give it my full attention.
I am good today. Today was a good day. I can commit to being good for the rest of the night. I know I can remain sober tonite. I want to remain sober tomorrow. I can't control the future, but I can control the present and tomorrow. And that is what I will do.
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Post by rmbohanek on Dec 26, 2007 18:02:13 GMT -5
Wow, it's been six days since I journalled last. The days have been good. I had my father around until yesterday, but last night was alone. Ended up being pretty darn lonely actually. But was good and have been able to channel my energy into positive things.
Couple of new things I am going to add to my stable of things to do to remain positive. - am creating a positive space in the area where I used to chat. Make positive energy. Went and bought a model that I will be putting together. Pretty huge model actually. - and need to re-engage my journal here.
I am really happy with where I am, and how I am feeling lately. I know that things don't change over night and with talking to my therapist I need to make sure that I don't use the never word. That I will never do things again. Never takes down barriers. I don't know how long I can be safe and sober. Maybe I can not be safe and sober for the rest of my life. But I want to be part of this process and journey and move forward with my life. I have seen what my life can be when I am fully engaged with it. I want to take the next step and be fully engaged with my marriage and my relationships. I need to look away from the darkness and emptyness of my addiction.
I have been good and safe since I journallled last, but I still take it one day at a time. It is hard, it is not easy. But I need to focus on the steps up the hill, not the hill. and even though I may go down alittle at times, I need to keep moving upwards. It is a journey and not a destination.
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