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Post by johnb1aze on Nov 10, 2007 23:34:35 GMT -5
I am really at a horrible time in my life. My marriage of 9 years is about to end and I am about to become a custodial dad. I have always been a great father to my sons, but feel I have served them an injustice by inflicting upon them the emanant pain of what divorce brings. I am truly sorry to them and to my wife. Before I came on the computer tonight, thoughts were running through my mind rationalizing p and mb. I was feeling that the pleasure associated with p and mb would make this predicament that I am now in go away, but it won't. It is the action that has brought me to this predicament. Tonight I made some amends with my wife, for the sake of our children. She hates me and at the same time has compassion for me and that compassion will sorely be missed in my recovery process. I use to focus on not viewing porn or not performing mb because of her and that led to me resenting her. I felt as though she was trying to control my life. How could she tell me to stop viewing porn or to stop mb. It should have been the other way around where I should have been saying that the porn and the mb was controlling me, which is the truth. My wife was trying to save me and I wasn't doing much to save her. My wife was very obese when she was a child and about 5 years ago she had gastric by pass surgery, which brought her to a more normal weight. Having lost the weight she was craving attention from where ever she could get it. I should have been the one giving her that attention, but the addiction reared it's ugly head. I isolated myself from my wife and I didn't help her with her self esteem issues. Our two personalities didn't mesh and she soon had an affair about a year ago. After I found out about the affair, we decided that she was going to stop seeing the other guy and I was going to work on my p issue. A couple of months later p was at our doorstep. We went to marriage counseling where we discussed our relationship. My wife was ready to leave then. There was no trust in our relationship, on both sides. We stuck it out for as long as we could and we are now where we are at. Porn has caused this pain in my life. There is no way of changing the past, there is only work to be done in the future. Every time from this point I think of mb I will think of the path it has lead me. I crave a healthy relationship with someone in the future and I hope that journalizing here on the boards and in private and doing the recovery nation program and speaking to a therapist will get me to the point where this addiction won't be an issue any longer in my life. It is so hard though. I really want to just isolate myself and mb, but I need to remember the past and I also need to remember to be honest to myself because in the end there will be no one but myself to hold accountable. Day 4 of my healing process and clean.
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Post by johnb1aze on Nov 11, 2007 6:50:38 GMT -5
It's 3:41am pt. My wife works the early morning shift at a nearby hospital. She has just left for work and this is usually the prime time for me to hop on the computer and view porn. My kids are asleep, wife not here to I witness my sins and I have free reign over the computer and whatever I want to do in private. I won't give in to p or mb. I am going to be p and mb free. The urge to sit here and view porn and jack off is very tempting, but I'm not going to give in. In the past week since discovering this site I have come online and would read the trials and tribulations that others here have posted. Yes I have tried to minimalize my addiction as not as bad as the rest of the posters here on the site, but for me to admit to myself that it is all the same addiction is a revelation to me. Yes porn you do have control over me. Yes mb you do have control over me. This addiction has control over me and I am going to do my best to release this strangle hold. I have millions of thoughts running through my mind at a 100 miles an hour. Images of impurity. Images that are unhealthy. Thoughts that betray me in my road to a more healthy self. I am not going to give into those thoughts. I'm not going to give in to the thought that mb is natural. That everyone does it, because in fact not everyone does it. It's a choice. Five minutes, ten minutes will not change your life... and I will not be a victim of it's grip no longer. I will stay clean day 4 and I will struggle and stay clean one day at a time. I will be honest to myself.
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Post by johnb1aze on Nov 11, 2007 23:01:36 GMT -5
My wife and I had a heart to heart talk to tonight about my addiction. We are still on course to separating and divorcing, but I think that we will end our marriage on good terms. I told her that I still love her and that I know my addiction has caused her much pain and that I want her to be happy and at the moment I'm in no position to make her happy. We have gone through a lot through the course of our ten year relationship. My p addiction has always been somewhere in the background. I told her that I needed to be honest with myself and in turn I will be honest with her and someday I will be in a better position to make another or her happy. I made a big step today in my recovery by talking to my wife about the urges I was having today to mb. This pain of mine has been a silent pain. I know that my wife is disgusted by my actions and I myself am disgusted by my actions. During the act I'm not but the after effects are surely felt. In my time dealing with this addiction I have never associated mb with p. I now know that in my case I need to associate the two together. The mb will lead to the p and at this moment in my life that is very dangerous. My wife and I talked about where this addiction may lead me. Eventually into the arms of another woman, to a prostitute, to losing my job, all things that I have thought of and lusted over. So today has been a very long day 4 in my recovery. I will make this journey one day at a time. I told my wife tonight of a journal that I was reading of another sa, in this journal a man was free of porn and mb for over a hundred days and how he had fallen and slipped and mb to softcore porn how he felt disgusted and ashamed and said that he was back at day one and my wife replied to me with, "well he went 100 days without porn and that's a hundred days that his wife and family were loved". I wish I had changed my actions 10 years ago while me and my wife were dating and not now in the midst of our separation. I wish I was more honest with myself and didn't use porn to hide my feelings or hide my emotions. I wish I didn't isolate my wife from my marriage to the point where she coveted the company of another man. Ten years of unhappiness could have been addressed if I was true to my feelings and emotions and talked about my addiction to p with my wife openly to the point where she could help me and not hide it to have her disgusted with me.
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Post by johnb1aze on Nov 12, 2007 10:26:00 GMT -5
So it's day five of my new found recovery. I can already tell that it's going to be a long day. I am very stressed today because I have an anatomy test tomorrow that I need to take. It has helped to journalize my troubles here on the board and to journalize it in my own paper journal. Mornings are usually the hardest time for me. I wake up with a strong sensation to mb or watch porn. That's probably why I"m usually writing in my journal early in the morning. It helps me to organize my thoughts. So it's another day. Another day to keep my mind occupied with thoughts other than objectifying women, because that's what I do. I objectify women in my thoughts. Yes, I can be sweet and lovable on the outside. I can talk to a woman face to face, but my glances start to sway to her breast and soon to her buttock. I am at the bottom of bottom. So that is what I plan to work on today. To not objectify women. I am trying to regain my innocence and I need to allow myself to see this innocence in the women that I meet and who are in my life. Putting these thoughts down on paper and her on the board helps me realize my absurdity.
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Post by johnb1aze on Nov 19, 2007 1:00:17 GMT -5
It has been a few days since I have written in my recovery journal. I have been very diligent in my recovery process. I have not looked at porn or mb in almost two weeks. It has helped that me and my wife have made some amends to our relationship. We are still looking to separate, but not put to the an end to our marriage by filing for divorce. We both are really looking to discover who we are and this time apart my help her decide if she really still wants to be we me and gives me a chance to really be honest with myself about my recovery. She will no longer be around to look over my shoulder and I will now be able to say I'm doing this for me and not her. I know it will be hard and I hope to make good on my promise of not p or mb because sex is awesome without the two. So I've been clean for 12 days. Thoughts pop into my head and I have found that as time goes by it is becoming easier for me to stay away from the stuff. I just need to put myself in a position where I'm in control. I know my weaknesses and I need to be honest to myself and stay away. I need to work on not objectifying women.
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Post by MrOuch on Nov 19, 2007 10:27:48 GMT -5
Nov 11, 2007 Nov19, 2007 JB, What a difference a week makes. Glad to see that you're p and mb free for 2 weeks. Glad to see that the end of your marriage is not as near as you originally thought. But be forewarned--the end is still out there and still very much in reach. I read your journal from start to finish (it's not too long yet  ) It seems you've made a lot of progress and you seem to be building a substantial platform for recovery. How is your Recovery Nation program going? How has the therapist thing been progressing? Keep us posted. You've done some good work so far, but there's a long way to go. 12 days is a great start, but you've got to keep working at this recovery thing. If you do 12 days can become 12 weeks, or 12 months, or... MrOuch |
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Post by johnb1aze on Nov 19, 2007 20:29:53 GMT -5
Thank you for the support MrOuch. I agree I have made some progress in my recovery. It is a long road ahead. I have been here at this crossroads before and in previous attempts to be free of the p I have failed. I am determined to be free of p and mb controlling my life. It's not easy since p and mb have been a way for me to release anxiety and escape from reality. Addiction gives you an excuse to not live life to the fullest and I no longer want that trade off. I'm still not sure what the future holds for me and my wife. I'm not sure if we will fully reconcile and once again be true partners, but I know in 12 weeks or 12 months or 12 years I will be a better me and will be able to be a better partner. I feel remorse for the pain that I have caused my wife and I feel sorrow that she is now limited in my life, but I will move on with greater resolve. Thank you again for the comment and I'll keep everyone posted on my progress.
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Post by johnb1aze on Nov 20, 2007 2:46:11 GMT -5
Masturbating to porn requires no emotion. It is purely a pleasure principle. It is a selfish act that has been an escape from reality much of my life. You don't have to buy a porn a drink or go through the trouble of getting to know it. It is easy accessible and available 24 hours a day. It is everywhere on the web. I could go and view it right now if I wanted. The problem is that porn although tempting to view, is not reality. Porn has no love. Porn has no passion. Porn has no emotion. It won't fix you breakfast. It won't buy you a gift on your birthday. It won't care for you when you are sick. It won't be by your side when you are studying for school. It doesn't love you. It occupies your time and gives nothing in return. That is the problem with porn there is no emotion. It is a simple pleasure that contains no love. A selfish act that has lead to the end of marriages and the disconnect between couples. I will no longer be ruled by porn. I will be honest to myself and honest to my partner. I will be connected to life.
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Post by swarrie on Nov 20, 2007 3:35:02 GMT -5
Masturbating to porn requires no emotion. It is purely a pleasure principle. It is a selfish act that has been an escape from reality much of my life. You don't have to buy a porn a drink or go through the trouble of getting to know it. It is easy accessible and available 24 hours a day. It is everywhere on the web. I could go and view it right now if I wanted. The problem is that porn although tempting to view, is not reality. Porn has no love. Porn has no passion. Porn has no emotion. It won't fix you breakfast. It won't buy you a gift on your birthday. It won't care for you when you are sick. It won't be by your side when you are studying for school. It doesn't love you. It occupies your time and gives nothing in return. That is the problem with porn there is no emotion. It is a simple pleasure that contains no love. A selfish act that has lead to the end of marriages and the disconnect between couples. I will no longer be ruled by porn. I will be honest to myself and honest to my partner. I will be connected to life. this IMHO is a gem of a post - a real keeper! It oh-so clearly and crisply exposes p & mb for the fraud that they are. Thanks johnb1aze, I'm adding this one to my library  |
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Post by johnb1aze on Nov 25, 2007 3:09:58 GMT -5
I have now been free of porn and mb for 17 days. My wife and I are working out the problems in our relationship but we are still mutually planning to separate to give us some time to clarify our feelings. I have been keeping myself pretty busy these days, writing in my journal, visiting the message boards, spending time with my children, spending time with my wife, stepping through the Recovery Nation program and reading books to help me with my addiction. I am currently reading Out of the Shadows Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes and I am learning a lot about my addiction. I have been reading about bingeing and how I feel like I am in control of my problem and how I sometimes rationalize my personal situation into it's not a problem and it scares me. Although I feel like I'm in control of my addiction at this moment I know the times when it's been out of control. Uncontrollable in that I need to wake up early in the morning and make time for porn or that I need to masturbate two or more times in a shower session to feel relaxed. I haven't fully finished reading the book, but it scared me into thinking what if I never fully recover. What if I succumb to my temptations and put my marriage in jeopardy again. I can say right now at this moment I will not view porn and mb, but what if I never change. I need to remain honest to myself and need to remind myself that I am not in control. That if I want to be in control this is a realization that I need to make and that I need keep saying to myself that I can live without porn and mb. I need to be strong and continue to fight for my marriage by being true and emotionally available to my wife. I will structure my efforts this time and I will succeed. What's scarier than trying and failing is not trying at all.
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Post by working on LIFE on Nov 25, 2007 12:37:04 GMT -5
Masturbating to porn requires no emotion. It is purely a pleasure principle. It is a selfish act that has been an escape from reality much of my life. You don't have to buy a porn a drink or go through the trouble of getting to know it. It is easy accessible and available 24 hours a day. It is everywhere on the web. I could go and view it right now if I wanted. The problem is that porn although tempting to view, is not reality. Porn has no love. Porn has no passion. Porn has no emotion. It won't fix you breakfast. It won't buy you a gift on your birthday. It won't care for you when you are sick. It won't be by your side when you are studying for school. It doesn't love you. It occupies your time and gives nothing in return. That is the problem with porn there is no emotion. It is a simple pleasure that contains no love. A selfish act that has lead to the end of marriages and the disconnect between couples. I will no longer be ruled by porn. I will be honest to myself and honest to my partner. I will be connected to life. That is good. Something that we just don't want to see sometimes. You hit the nail on the head with that post. |
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Post by johnb1aze on Dec 10, 2007 1:24:35 GMT -5
I have gone 29 days without viewing porn or masturbating. Twenty nine days may seem like a long time but it isn't. The real test for me is to go without porn forever. I can say that the thought of my life without porn is really disturbing to me, which makes me realize how much power it has over me. It's disturbing how I have been made to believe that I am a man and that men have man thoughts and that because I am man thoughts of sexualizing a woman are natural. I have been bamboozled by porn much of my life. The hypersexualization of our society has damaged my belief system and I need to repair and rebuild it. I know the kind of pain that porn has caused me and how it has isolated me from the intimate realtionships in my life. Porn has isolated me from my wife, my family and some of my closest friends. It provides the fuel to make my life false. I no longer want to live a false life and I no longer want to live a life where porn is a central component in it. I need to change and will change for good. I will be a much better person because of my decision.
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Post by johnb1aze on Dec 14, 2007 1:55:05 GMT -5
I had a discussion with S today about intimacy and my problem with p. We talked about how I needed to address my intimacy problems and disclose to one of my best friends my problem with p. I needed to build my support system. I don't feel comfortable at this time telling a friend that is home for the holidays about my addiction, maybe sometime before he leaves I may tell him, I just don't know. Will not telling him impede my progress, I don't know.
In the past two weeks I've watched two I happened to channel flip onto two movies I haven't watched in years, American History X and A Beautiful Mind, both movies inspired me to work on changing. Do what you can to change, get out of your comfort zone and change.
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 14, 2007 5:08:20 GMT -5
I know its been said 26 billion times, but I do believe people when they say taking it a day at a time is the best method. You stay away from the past and the future and focus on what is important for that day, those bunches of single days will lead to huge recovery periods without you even realizing it.
I'm always reluctant to tell people I know about my problems, I've in the past and people just dont' take it seriously. They think its a joke, and they may even ridicule you for it, even knowing they may do the same things. I keep my discussions to the boards, and the meetings I attend, that way nobody theoretically is there to hurt you, as they should be all in the same situation.
I haven't seen A Beautifulmind, but I loved American history X. I got a little choked up when he was in jail with the young black guy, and finally he realises what things are really like for those guys, and just how they have good in them, just like he did. The ending was a killer for me, that got the better of me.
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Post by johnb1aze on Dec 15, 2007 1:46:37 GMT -5
I was just thinking about my situation and have come to the realization that I don't know who I am. Why does the thought of not knowing who I am seem so trivial to me? I have been working on my addiction for about a month now. I have lost count of the number of days that I have been working on staying sober, it really has become a day to day addiction for me. Some days are good, some days are not so good, but lately I haven't had a really bad day. I have been able to keep my addiction at bay, but the thoughts of being over this addiction haven't crossed my mind, I guess it's going to haunt me for quite awhile. Back to not knowing myself. There are many things that I have done in my life to fit into the crowd, a lot of things that were against my better judgement. I have come to realize that in many aspects of my life I am a 'yes man'. I try to avoid conflict whenever I can. Today, my wife and I were eating dinner at Wendy's and a couple with their young son came into the restaurant. The guy was pretty much a jerk. His wife was ordering and he went to go sit down. When his wife brought over their meal to the table he got up and went and sat at another table away from her and their son. I didn't find out until later from my wife after walking out of the restaurant that when that guy got up he told his wife that the reason he sat there was to be away from her. Now I'm not excusing his actions, he was truly a jerk, but it really got my wife riled up. I wasn't as passionate. I was a bit ticked that someone would do that, but was content to say that it was their business. My wife was like, you should go kick his a. My wife did say another thing that did catch my attention, she made a generalization about the ethnicity of the woman, who is the same ethnicity as I am. She said because of her ethnicity, she was raised to ignore the problem, which kind of pissed me off that she said that, but because of my avoidance of conflict I didn't address it. Sometimes in arguements with my wife I feel as though I have a lost voice. I'm not excusing my actions with porn, far from it, but my addiction hinders me from expressing myself. I always feel as though she could just pull this ace out of her hat and use it at will. Well like the conversation we were having the other day about telling my friend W about my addiction. I don't feel like I need to share the p part of my life with him, but feel as though I could share the intimacy part. I feel he could really give me some perspective into that area of my life, because he is so outgoing. Well these are just some of the messages and thoughts that are going through my head right now. I will take this addiction one day at a time, being honest to myself each day.
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) It seems you've made a lot of progress and you seem to be building a substantial platform for recovery. How is your Recovery Nation program going? How has the therapist thing been progressing? Keep us posted. You've done some good work so far, but there's a long way to go. 12 days is a great start, but you've got to keep working at this recovery thing. If you do 12 days can become 12 weeks, or 12 months, or...