For the love of Friday! Glad this week is over.
Had a good talk last night. I still think we've got a "cognitive" problem with how he may view and judge strangers. Especially of the female variety regarding s*x. Trying to describe the difference between objectification vs. attractiveness is a toughy.
He figures a female walking around in a mini skirt is looking for sex. Or at the very least is more interested in having sex that day than a female in let's say pants. WHAAAAAAT?
How do you get that leap?
While the woman in the mini skirt certainly wants to look good and attractive, even sexually attractive does that automatically mean she's a "giver". How did we get here??? Is this something that all, most or just some men think? Unbelieveable. I'm actually a little astonished by this thought process.
How is it that just because you're wearing certain clothes you must be a "giver" or looking for sex. That seems a pretty unfair assumption. It certainly is an objectification. She is an object only for sex rather than an attractive lady. Is that like she asked for it because she was dressed a certain way?
Are you supposed to look doudy unless you specifically want to put out?
We definately have some work here. He says he doesn't do this with people he knows. OK. But to "people surf" and do this still I don't think is healthy at all. I'm not sure where this came from other than growing up and this being "normal" among his peers. I feel sad that he thinks this way. Hurt. I'm glad we're talking it out but I can't seem to get him to see that this is not a healthy way to behave. Or rather I think he knows it's not totally right but I don't think he can manage the distinction between appreciating an attractive person vs sexually objectifying that person. As in making a judgement that she must be looking for sex. And that that is not the same thing as wanting to be sexually attractive to the opposite sex for example. I don't think anyone wants to be oogled and thought of like that, most especially by some stranger. he said if you aren't looking for attention then why dress that way. Umm, even if you are looking for attention to immediately jump to she's a 'giver" seems to me a leap. Don't we all like attention? It's certainly flattering but if thought everytime I dressed up that was perceived as an invitation to sex I'd certainly feel different about getting dressed up. Or that that made me sl&tty or something. How unfair is that?
I hope he mentions this to the therapist. He just seemed to not quite be able to wrap his head aorund the difference. Or the fact that just because someone is dressed a certain way this doesn't mean those things.
This seems to be a bit of an issue with many of the addicts here. I've read a couple of threads that touch on this. That strangers, even in person, are still seen as two dimensional.
I asked him how he felt if he thought people (men) thought that about me. Said he wouldn't like it. So, I think he sort of gets it but he's not fully there. Doesn't quite see the full picture.
So, we're one month plus a day now free of P. He tells me if he's going to have a hard time with triggers when we're out and about. It can hurt but I'm glad when he tells me so we can modify what/where we are and so that we can figure out why he's feeling that way.
The source of all of this seems to run so deep and so far back. I wonder if it would have been different if he'd grown up with a sister. Maybe, maybe not. He did tell me once he doesn't get women and I suppose he was right.
So I'm a little discouraged that we couldn't get him to see what I was trying to say but at least it's out there and we're talking about it. Hopefully he'll be able to fully understand what distinction I'm trying to convey.
It is awfully hard to hear that he can think like this. That he's looking at other women that way. P on the computer was enough but this is a whole different level for me to wrap my head around. It touches on that inadequacy button...ok it pounds on it pretty hard. It's not that I don't notice if someone is good looking I just don't "look" for it. Now I wonder if he's always noticing others. I suppose not but there's that insecurity coming out.
Before all this came to light I used to tease him if I caught him looking at a pretty lady but I didn't really feel all that insecure as he always made me feel like I was it. And really I suppose he still does it's just that now I doubt what he's thinking. I see an attractive woman and almost try to see if he's staring or something. I start to compare. Is she prettier, slimmer, better this or that. Of course my self-esteem takes a nose dive. I start to feel inadequate, insecure and unattractive. I then start to "turtle" as I call it. Put up the shell and the wall and then beat myself up over it. By the time I'm through kicking my own a$$ I've turned myself into an ogre. He's confused about what the heck just happened to me and why I'm cocooning.
So, yes, it appears that there's a lot of things to work on here. My self confidence which was running at a fairly decent level has been somewhat shattered. It comes back sporadically but I think I feel insecure more than I feel comfortable. I'd worked really hard for a long time to get past a lot of that and now here it is back in my bubble shouting at me. Sometimes I can tell it to eff off but other times I shrink down to a shadow.
UGH! At least I know I can get through this as I've managed to get past a lot of irrational and wild insecurity before.
Hope all here have a great weekend.