cantheystop's journal

[cantheystop]

Been a few days. I've been so busy with work pressures that I haven't had the time or inclination to post much.

Been having anxiety issues. To the point I feel sick to my stomach. I don't think it's directly related to the p-issue but that certainly is a contributor. I feel overwhelmed to the point of shut down.

Kind of like how much can one person take without shutting down. All of the stresses and pressures are making me exhausted and withdrawn and weepy. I want almost nothing to do with anyone.

It's a physical reaction too. I feel like I'm dragging around a load of lead. And people keep asking things of me and I've finally started to say no but it's like they don't believe me that I just can't do anymore than I'm currently doing. Of course no one outside of me and DH knows about this stuff. But for crying out loud how much stuff does one person have to take on for others. You see I work with family and they continue to dump all their crap in my lap.

I can't hardly stand anyone in my personal space right now. It's hard on DH because I know he feels like I'm upset with him. And I suppose I am. There's the whole "you've added to this problem now and I have to deal with this too" whine I have in my brain at times.

I know that this will get better. That the pressures are going to break at some point. I figure they have to otherwise I'm the one that's going to breakdown.

I'm almost at full capacity. If you asked me that before all this I would have told you that I am beyond capacity but I see that I'm still standing and plodding on so not entirely at the meltdown but not far off.

It's funny how no one sees it but DH. But I feel as though my meltdown is not fair to him. I'm just so tired of it all. I need a break and for people to back off and I guess the only way to get that is to tell them to back off but that seems so hard to do.

It really is true you can't be everything all at once because it just makes you into a bag of shyte.

Well, must work otherwise none of this pressure will go away.

[cantheystop]

Having a bit of a sad day about all this PA stuff. Not sure why. Just that sense of loss. DH is still making progress from what I can see. We can't afford the counsellor as often as we'd like but we have to make due with the cards we have.

I really, really miss that more consistent happy feeling. I'm tired of feeling sad so often. I'm tired of the tears. I feel sad for me. I feel sad for DH and I feel sad for us together.

I waited a long time to get married because I wanted to be sure. And I am still sure but I just feel so blind sided by this. I feel like an idiot.

DH has been a bit down since the weekend. He says he can't put a finger on it as anything in particular. I don't necessarily think it's withdrawal but maybe in part. More of the no longer a fantasy outlet to drift off into. I'm not sure.

When he's down I take it personal. Like it's my fault or my job to make sure he's totally happy. I feel like I failed him. That I have something lacking or didn't do what I was supposed to do so that we didn't end up here on this board.

I know he says it's got nothing to do with me. I know the PA's here all seem to say the same thing but how can you not see that it sure as hell has everything to do with me.

Is life so sh!tty with me that he needs to escape. Am I that wife that nags and such? Do I do those things? I don't think I do but feel there must be something.

Why when he's enough for me am I not enough for him?

Yes, there's the logic part that says it's not about me but the sad part is just overwhelming at times.

I never thought that I'd feel this way a little over a year married. I look back and he appeared to be happy with me and us but then I start to wonder. Was I so lost in my own happiness I didn't see that he wasn't really happy? Is it possible to be unhappy in most parts of your life but one? I'm just feeling a bit confused by the seeming ability to compartmentalize all of this PA stuff by PA's. Is it denial that makes them think this won't affect everything? Is it just that they don't think it's all that "wrong"? I know it really can't be that for real since they all seem to hide it. You don't hide things you feel are ok.

I still believe we're moving forward and in a positive direction but then I get overwhelmed at times with a great sadness.

[cantheystop]

Less sadness today. It's still there lingering. Was doing some thinking about the sense of loss. I think the hardest part is the loss of trust and the feeling safe enough to trust. It's really strange because for say 90% - 95% of the time I feel that normal sense of trust but then the doubt comes flying in out of nowhere at times that sets me off. I get suspicious and insecure and angry. After all that I seem to vascillate between angry and sad.

I get lippy as it were, when I feel that way. Or more accurately perhaps I'd call it snippy. Short and curt and not necessarily nice. Not that I'd consider myself some girly powder puff everythings sugar and cotton candy type but I don't like to feel (expletive)y as often as I seem to these days. I'm all good with being a (expletive) at work but in my personal life I just want to be relaxed. I don't feel relaxed.

I realise that it takes time for us both to get better but I even have that doubt if I go to bed before him. It's all the what if's.

I suppose I have to sort them out as they come. I'm just tired and sad that we're here like this and I feel like I can't trust. I try to be fair but in my mind I can twist almost anything into a reason for him to "slip" or whatever you might call it. That if I do action X it will be a trigger and then he'll revert and I"m to blame.

See it's that it feels like it's my fault in the first place or that I have some control. Or maybe it's that I'd like to be able to control it from ever happening again. I know logically that's up to him but I still feel responsible.

[cantheystop]

Well, it's been a bit of a ride. You see I'm going to divulge that I'm 32 weeks pg. I've been under a lot of pressure. I'll admit a lot of that is self induced. At least I believe it is. I was about 20 weeks when the porn thing came to a head. It's added to the stress obviously.

I have felt rather out of control and much like I'm grasping at strings of sanity.

All of the stress and carry on between home life and work life (work life being more explosive of the two) I think combined to land me in the hospital for an overnight due to a problem. Which seems to have subsided.

Dh and I had many discussions and quite frankly I think that this was a decent enough slap for us both to start to be a little better to each other. At least I hope so.

What I've noticed since I last posted is that I seem to put everything else before me which means I have nothing left for me and I shut down and shut out. This seems more obvious to me when I'm hurting. I shut down and shut out. Not exactly what we're going for in our relationship. But still I needed time to process and start to heal myself.

The other thing I've realized is that I tend to take on Dh's anger and anxiety as my own. Or likely more often as my own fault. That if I were "something" then he wouldn't be feeling that way. Or that should be able to fix it. I can't. But it's awfully hard to see him hurting and not to be able to fix it. You see that's what I do. I fix things for EVERYONE. And in that process I tend to absorb all the feelings, good or bad, and take them as my own.

Pretty exhausting venture. Pretty large ego I suppose to think I can fix it for him but it's not really that. At least I don't think it's that. I think I get solution focused or driven. Problem appears well, I must solve it. This dynamic has been in my life for as long as I can remember now. It comes from my FOO (family of origin). It's how we interact. Which I've brought into my marriage. Which doesn't help my marriage.

So, I'm trying to remain stress free. Not easy to do when the ultrasound guy grimaces at the size of the baby's head...Nice one huh? And at the same time sort this out.

Need to be nicer to me and to DH. Mostly I think I need to let things go and not absorb it all as mine. It's not.

[cantheystop]

Well, what an odd few days. I hired someone who started on Wednesday and had to let them go today. Such a poor fit in the end I thought I might have to explode. The neediness was wildly out of control. This is someone I'm supposed to train to take over some of my work while on maternity leave. Lordy love a duck what a mess. In 2.5 days they ticked me off basically continuously and then managed to mess up a perfectly good brand spanking new computer. I have now fixed most of that....I'm not an IT person so we'll see if what I've done works long term...sigh.

Called another person to see if they're interested in the position. Will wait for phone call back.

So another topic...last night I went to bed before DH. I'm slowly feeling a little more relaxed with doing that. I'm often tired well before him. So, I'm asleep and then I hear strange noise and try to ignore it. Then I hear more and then the lights all fly on outside the room and I'm thinking what the he!! is going on. I didn't realistically think it had anything to do with P or the like but isn't it funny how the brain can just jump straight there. Doesn't matter that the evidence doesn't fit. Something odd is going on so it automatically jumps out at me. This I don't like.

It makes me feel insecure and paranoid. I suppose I was given reason to be. Well, OK I was given reason to be. I just wonder when that won't be the first thought that drops in my head when something is out of the ordinary. In the end it turns out the cat had caught a mouse and decided not to kill it but to keep it as her new toy. She ran all over with it with DH on her heels and then she released it in the basement where I believe it's still dwelling today. Off to get the traps later.

But really what is that yucky insecurity thing. It's not 100% there but it's still lingering high on the list at times. This can depend on my mood and is influenced by my general level of security in life. DH is doing really well on all accounts.

Doubt is an awfully persistent beast though. I guess we'll keep plodding through and eventually we can squish this together.

Hope all have a good p-free weekend.

[cantheystop]

Exhausted. Physically, mentally and almost emotionally.

6 weeks until the monster in my gut is due to come out. Providing baby is following an exact schedule....LOL

I'm training my second employee. MUCH better. Less stressful but still tiring.

I'm hoping to be done with this work thing soon enough and then maybe get to take a little time to enjoy for me.

Yep, need a little time that's all about me. Feel like I've given too much of myself and before I get into resentment mode it's time to pull back.

Too much to family, too much to this P thing, too much to work. It's very difficult to not let myself get completely swallowed up by everyone and everything else.

I still worry that he wants to go into a p haze. Ok let's face it when you're 8 mos pg it's pretty hard to feel confident about yourself. In a womanly type way. And lourdy knows I don't look anything like those internet p stars.

I think that getting past that is one of the most difficult things. You still seem to somehow come back to wonder what's missing regarding me.

The ego hit was really hard to take. I suppose I'm still fairly raw and sensitive. I'm not sure when that will go away or if it ever will completely.

I"m glad with the progress. I'm thrilled in fact that we seem to be making pretty decent strides. We certainly have a ways to go. What I haven't figured out is where I stand should there be an acting out or slip or whatever name you want to call it. The only thing I can think of is that I'd be wildly angry. I don't think I have the tools to handle that very well at all. But then I might just go numb. My reactions are not always "normal" these days.

More stuff to think on. I just really don't want to lose me in all this. I don't want to be a bitter, angry person. I want us to be happy together. I can't even imagine my future without DH but at the same time I can't imagine it with P. It caused too much damage to us that I just don't want that to ever get back in.

Well, before I get weepy....

[cantheystop]

So we're trying to work on boundaries after a bit of a blow up by DH on the weekend. I'm not good with setting them with my work and FOO. Which are one and in the same since I'm in a family business. That combined with being 35 weeks pg, training someone new, neediness of my family, occaisional overwhelming bouts of fear, the pressure of dealing with a PA, having had an episode that landed me in hospital for observation and I reached a bit of an emotional overload. Understandable I suppose. At least from my point of view.

DH was pretty upset with me. I guess when I need to shut down it's easiest to shut down at home. Which left him feeling left out. Certainly not my intention. I don't even always realize I"m doing it. It's a bit of a self protection thing. The I can't take anymore from anyone so I simply disengage from life a bit. DH says he needs my emotional center. Ok. I get it. BUT and I haven't really discussed this with him but being the emotinal center is exhausting. It can be like another demand of me. I know he's working on his emotions. In that he's trying to not turn everything that seems uncomfortable to feel into anger. He's definately improving. It can just get overwhelming being the center for what seems like everyone. It's not just him that I shut down with. It's everyone including myself.

And then there's sex. Didn't know if that was available until my Dr's appt. after the episode in the hospital. Then the doc gives the ok. I was feeling unwell all weekend and of course DH is wanting sex. And it's really not that I'm totally not it's just that I feel so much pressure. I feel as though I'm letting him down when I'm too tired. Yes, I realise how pg I am and that I don't really feel sexy all the time. Kind of difficult when you feel like a killer whale and can't move particularly gracefully, add to that that even if the doc said it's ok I'm still nervous.

The level of insecurity I feel is rather high. I feel like a failure as a wife. That starts with the P and then you add everything else on top and I can't seem to "perform".

This leads to a bit of a vicious cycle. Perhaps it will settle down now that work is getting a little calmer for me but I still feel like everyone wants a piece of me and I'm not feeling like I'm getting a whole lot in return for giving out pieces of me.

I'm a little angry now. Funny how that happens.

[cantheystop]

DH is off to the counsellor. He's often in a strange mood on these days. We'll see how he is after. It takes a while to decompress and then we talk about what was talked about.

They're still working on the anger issues. He's starting to have other emotions come out more frequently now. But funny thing is he has a hard time not letting any of them turn into anger. He's definately the most comfortable with that particular emotion.

He gets pretty ticked off with me over the boundaries thing. Mine are definately not well defined with regards to my work and family. I'm working on that. Maternity leave is definately helping as they'll have to deal with things on their own. It's a kind of weaning process for both sides.

So when he gets angry he can feel the urge to slip into a p watching haze. So far as I know there's been no relapses. He's pretty good about letting me ask him anything. I don't always get the answer I want to hear. You know the ones that don't sting the ego but an honest answer is better than a lie. To catch a lie would turn everything upside down.

I was thinking back about how stressful my entire pregnancy has been. Early on things went insane here at work, then we had a cancer scare, the work insanity continued, then d-day for the p and everything went haywire. And of course this entire time I'm not gettting any less pg and tired. I feel jealous that some people seem to have that lovey dovey pregnancy with little outside stress aside from the actual pregnancy things. Oh and then I was in the hospital with a pregnancy issue.

So, here I sit a little ticked off with everyone. Including DH. I know he wants the best for me and the baby but then dealing with all this p stuff really didn't help one little bit. Is he getting help? Yes. Is he trying his best for himself and me and the stinker on the way? Yes. But it's still another stressor.

Then the boundary fight which I know he's trying to protect me and I really appreciate it but (isn't there always a but) sometimes it can make me feel more in the middle. Like I have to balance him and my family and be the middle man so no ones feathers get too ruffled. But with all this pulling on me I feel torn. I do think he's correct that my family/work need to b able to do stuff without it being on me but it takes a little time to get everyone to the same place. I'm working on it. I'm sure it's not fast enough but what good is it if all I feel is pressure and demands.

Back to the p-stuff. I'm starting to see more of his triggers. And there seem to be many and quite varied. Which makes me think that p is a coping mechanism (a very poor one at that) more than the issue. This I suppose should make me feel "better". Not entirely. I wonder that if things aren't bad in life for him do those things that trigger him when he's stressed etc still trigger when he's not? For instance there's a certain ad on TV at the moment that he confessed to me that he'd like us to change the channel as he finds it to be a bit of a trigger. This seemed to happen when he didn't seem particularly stressed etc. Does the brain automatically jump to p when it sees items that are even marginally sexy at least to that particular brain. Is it short circuiting to that reaction as a default? Is this similar to I finished a big dinner so now I want a smoke? If so then that can go away. Well, at least it did for me.

I suppose what this does to me is makes me analyse everything I'm seeing wondering if this "image" is a potential trigger to him. Which of course I assume it is and then that brings back the isecurity and anxiety in me. It's a bit of a vicious cycle. Why is it that when someone else is behaving "badly" I can turn that into something about me? Am I that self absorbed or are we all a little like this? Is it to do with the ego hit you take when you realize your husband is staring endlessly at naked pics of women. And why did it seem to feel worse that they were nothing like me as far as looks and body type? I say did like I'm totally past that but I should say does. Especially when your about to bust being preggers and couldn't look any further from the fantasy land he's in.

And what's so flipping bad about life that he had to go off into this fantasy world? I know we all need down time but why did it have to be this?

Geez it's hard to deal with angry and sad at the same time. I want to scream at him that it was such an a-hole thing to do but still don't know that that would accomplish anything. Maybe I need to do it to move further on for me. I don't really know. But anger is gaining on the other emotions and I feel like I'm going to blow up at some point here and I just don't want to blow up at him unless it really is about him and this. He doesn't deserve to get it for other stuff.

Time we talked about stuff I think and sort this out. Best not to let it fester....be lovely if I rip his head off while I'm in labour about this....NOT.