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Post by everhopeful on Nov 27, 2007 14:34:39 GMT -5
Oh, I also asked SO about how things are going w/resisting p & mb last night. So far whenever I ask him this he's like, "fine, no problem" that type of stuff, but I know it can't be that easy, he never voices the struggle, acts like it's a piece of cake and I told the counselor that, he suggested I just ask SO, so I did. I asked SO if he ever gets urges and he was like, "Sure I do, but I resist them, I find something else to get my mind off it, etc." I expressed how he's made it seem like an unreal cake walk because he doesn't share the nitty gritty struggle, I guess I need to hear the nitty gritty sometimes, he can't pretend to be superhuman, it won't help things. So now he knows it's ok to disclose urges again, I think he was withholding that info. because he read my journal here and saw how it hurt me the last time he confessed of an urge, I mean, I didn't express my hurt to him when he confessed it but I posted here that I was hurt, so I'm guessing he took that and decided to spare me those details going forward. I'm cool now tho and he knows it.
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Post by everhopeful on Dec 6, 2007 9:58:38 GMT -5
Things have been going great, he's been very present and seems happy without p & mb! I've been calling his member my "virgin wee wee" because it's so smooth and nice now, he says everything feels so much more intense sexually and he loves it!
Had a little hiccup last night that has me a smidge worried. He worked from home which is always dangerous p & mb territory for him, and he called me at work at one point during the day and made it clear that he wanted to get frisky that night when I got home. So I get home later and he's in the bedroom asleep which is odd and part of his old p/mb pattern, he'd sleep all day and then be up all night p-ing. I woke him and he claimed a headache, took some tylenol and we had dinner. Then I cornered him for sex and he went with it at first, then when we hit the bed, he went limp and was like, "oh, my headache is coming back, I'm sorry, I can't do it!" I of course assumed the worse and asked him to please be honest with me, that it seemed he was using the headache excuse to get out of having sex. He said, "No, I'm getting out of sex because I really have a headache!" and we both laughed. Then i said that the boundaries and consequences I have in place weren't that terrible and that I wouldn't freak if he had something to tell me. He said, "why, did you see something on your computer monitoring program?" Meaning Covenant Eyes. I said no, just his unusual behavior was making me suspicious. He then swore he was telling me the truth, that nothing had happened while he was home alone. I told him I believed him and we cuddled and talked for about 45 minutes wich was nice. Honestly, I don't believe him though. He is very computer savvy and that question about me seeing something on CE made my radar perk up! What if he knows how to suspend it or something so he can peruse his p and I'd never know? I feel like a paranoid freak right now, I want to believe that everything's still ok but I don't want to be played for a fool either. I plan on bringing it up in counselling as I don't know what to say to him about it, I don't want to make him angry, especially if he is being truthful. I just know that his past alcohol addiction was a struggle for him to break, and expected the same with this, yet he keeps claiming he's got a handle on this.
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Post by everhopeful on Dec 10, 2007 11:55:57 GMT -5
Things are going unbelievably well. This weekend we had a discussion about why this time is different for him vs. the many past times that he said he was done w/p & mb and then went right back to it. He said a big factor was me cutting myself, and added, "It made me see just how much I was hurting you and myself." I likened it to him being blind before and now seeing the light and he agreed that he was dumb and blind before and so much more likes our life together as it's becoming now. He has been so receptive, thoughtful and present for me as never before. Last night, we planned on being intimate and then I got a little tummy ache. He actually laid down next to me on our bed and said, "we can just cuddle and talk for a while, I like to have quality time with you like this. I also know you can't just be in the mood on command, you need some bonding time to warm up." I was so flattered that he'd take time out for me like that (also shows just how un-present he was before, he never did/said stuff like that!). He caressed my face and we just talked about stuff, it was wonderful; the next thing I knew, I was feeling better and we got busy after all! It was a win win all around!
It's just amazing how if they just take off their p fogged glasses, some of these guys can really see what a rich and fulfilling intimate relationship can be like!
He said once again that he does not want to return to the solitary darkness of p & mb ever. Wow, I am still blown away by his progress and the intimacy we are experiencing together now. My protective wall of distrust is definitely chipping, and will soon be falling down if he keeps this up!
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Post by everhopeful on Dec 18, 2007 17:07:20 GMT -5
So he worked from home yesterday and then claimed he wasn't feeling up to getting busy when I got home that night. I'm suspicious now to say the least, I feel he's withholding info. from me and will just lie if I call him on it. So I wrote up the boundaries and consequences we've discussed and emailed them to him as a reminder of how important this is. So far, no response but he is at work today and could just be busy. *sigh* This situation stinks! I just want to move on with our lives, focus on other positive things and keep working toward getting married, but this thing is like a dark cloud over our heads that's very slow to clear up, at least for me it is. I want to trust him but my instincts tell me it's too soon and that he's so used to lying to me so why would he stop now, that I'm being hoodwinked yet again, that's what my gut's telling me. Do I follow a hunch like that, a feeling alone? I see no evidence of p use on our home laptop, but he also has a work laptop he uses and I don't have access to. He would be fired if caught looking at that stuff on it, but he's not really the type to care if he wants his p bad enough, I'd think.
So he just called while I was typing this and was like "so is this how you're gonna act every time I work from home?" I clarified that it was a combination of things, his being home and acting suspicious, ie, acting like he used to when he was using, that perked up my suspicion. I clearly explained the things he said/did and he understood but was adamant that he had done nothing p/mb related while home alone yesterday.
It's funny tho, even the counselor this past Saturday said something to the effect of, "so, you're successfully white knuckling it then, eh? How do you do it?" SO said that he'd tried to quit several times before without my knowledge and therefore was prepared for this, and that his mindset is different now, that was the extent of his explanation. ARGH, freakin' non-detail oriented men, I wanted all the juicy details! lol I was surprised that he'd tried "several" times to quit without my knowledge, I only know of the times I've caught him which led to us discussing his stopping, which were only a few times (maybe 5 times? Is that several? lol).
Anyway, I guess he's still on the up and up. It's just that I'm find myself in a place where I feel like, I wasn't good enough for him to quit before, so why am I worthy now? I know that's warped and it has nothing to do with me really but it's still how I feel. I feel not good enough and have been trying to be this sex kitten for him at home and be extra attentive to him and stuff so he won't go back to p/mb eventhough I rationally know it has nothing to do with my appeal necessarily. I still ask him every day we don't have sex if he's ok, and even this morning I asked if he'd be ok going 2 days without release (we have company sleeping over tonight) and he practically rolled his eyes at me and did the sarcastic, "I suppose so." followed by, "of course, I'll be fine!"
I feel really scarred by this, like it's really messed up my sense of self worth more than I originally thought. We decided to continue to go to counseling together every week instead of separately mostly and together once a month like we just tried, so I'll bring this up in our next session and see if the counselor has any resources to help me feel better about me!
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