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Post by everhopeful on Oct 30, 2007 8:46:43 GMT -5
He made me this romantic, candlelit dinner and swept me off my feet last night, but I was not to be deterred that easy! So we talked some more later and I let him read my "hes's back and struggling" thread so that he could really see what's up with me and other's opinions. He got angry at first and said he couldn't promise "no slips ever" and I said that wasn't what I was asking for. I said that I just don't want him to let it get like it has in the past where he lets the p & mb consume him to the point of ignoring and neglecting me completely. I said I could not bear to live like that again. He said he would stay away from p and let me know when he has the urge to view it like he did yesterday. He said that calling me at work when he felt a strong urge really helped him resist and that if he's not looking at p, then his urge to mb greatly diminishes, so he sees the value of leaving p behind. I sure hope he's not playing me for a fool, a part of me suspects he is and is very wary. I so do not deserve this, I've stuck by this guy through a lot of BS.
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Post by everhopeful on Oct 31, 2007 10:53:45 GMT -5
My birthday is next week so we are celebrating it fully this weekend. Gonna see a show and I got us a jacuzzi suite at a hotel near the theater!!! I'm excited to have this time with him and hope all goes well. He's being sweet and attentive still, I sure hope this lasts!
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Post by everhopeful on Nov 2, 2007 10:56:49 GMT -5
Things are going well. He gave me more, in-depth details about his childhood sexual abuse and family dysfunction, which gave us both a lot of insight into his "coping skills". He really seems to "get" why p & mb is not a useful coping mechanism and is earnest in his desire to change. I suggested he find a stress management class and bought him the book "Victims no Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Childhood Sexual Abuse" by Mke Lew and I bought myself the book "Allies in healing: When the Person You Love was Sexually Abused as a Child" by Laura Davis - I've read most of it and it's a great resource for partners and stresses the "get a life of your own and stop focusing on what he's up to" philosophy which was more reinforcement for me. It has a cool question and answer format so I can just flip through and find what I need when I need it! I highly recommend it for those SO's who have PA's w/childhood sexual abuse in their pasts.
My struggle right now is in getting a life of my own. It's easier said than done! I only have one close female friend and that's it! She has 6 kids so can barely get away to spend time with me and when I talk about SO's p & mb issues, she glazes over. I can tell she just doesn't want to hear about something so disturbing that her SO could be doing himself! I know it makes her uncomfortable so don't bring it up much. I do feel pretty lonely and isolated on this but for this board. How does one find new friends at age 37? People are so busy with family, work and their own lives by this point, who wants to take on a new friend? Honestly! I think this is gonna be an easier said than done type of thing for me. Oh well.
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Post by everhopeful on Nov 5, 2007 13:08:04 GMT -5
We had a very nice weekend despite his not having much fun at the show, which I thoroughly enjoyed! He knew that it was something I've enjoyed going to for years before we met so he humored me for my b-day, but once the show started, he couldn't help sighing, making faces and verbally tearing the show to shreds. My feelings were a little hurt but as he says, I'm overly naive about some things and I guess that applies to my entertainment choices as well, I'm very good at suspending disbelief while he's more of a "realist" in his entertainment choices, which I find to be depressing most of the time. We see all that sad, "real" crap day in and day out in our lives, what's wrong with a little childish, whimsical escape every now and then? Hey, we can't like ALL of the same things, right? (ok, I'll give, it was Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament! Yeah, I'm a renaissance geek!)
So anyway, we had a great intimate night in the hotel and a leisurely breakfast and check out and then went to the book store. Upon check out, I asked him to find out what email address was attached to the discount program we belong to for the bookstore and the lady showed it to him and low and behold it was yet ANOTHER email address of his that I had no knowledge of! The minute we got out of the store I was all over him with questions about it, primarly, "you said you were an open book, that you had revealed everything to me and now this? Another email address? How many other secret addys do you have?" He swore that he'd make them up so that he wouldn't get junk email in his real one. It then turned into another debate. It just tears me up inside that he LET his p & mb viewing turn into an obsession and I still needed to know more "whys" from him for that as well as the personals site profile.
He kept defending himself with the, "I didn't go any farther than setting up the profile and promptly forgetting about it, I didn't cheat, why are you acting like I did?" I could only say that the profile is the first step down the slippery slope of cheating and therefore why I had such a problem with it. I said, "If you're not happy with me, then say so, don't go sneaking around on sites!" He kept saying that he couldn't remember why he set up the profile but that I should focus on the positive fact that he did nothing further than just set it up. He was upset that I wasn't letting it go and I explained that he has to understand that hurt doesn't just disappear, I'm gonna be hurt and upset about this for a while so deal. He then started to get down and dirty honest about the p & mb saying how "It feels good to ejaculate, so I'd do it for that purpose. Then I started to do it more and more and knew it was wrong, that's why I started sneaking with it. I thought I had a handle on it but I didn't, I know that now and I'm sorry." I stressed that I needed open communication like that from him more often and he understood and promised he would. We both calmed down after that and realized that despite the occasional yelling moments from each of us, it was quite productive and I felt really good afterward; we both felt closer and heard.
Despite all of the hurt and resentment in me, bottomline, I love this guy so very much and will continue to work on this as long as he will.
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Post by everhopeful on Nov 6, 2007 12:43:27 GMT -5
I feel like I'm living in a surreal nightmare right now. After we just had an intimate, bonding and promisful weekend just a day ago, it all fell apart on Monday!!
He worked from home yesterday (bad idea) and I had to stay late at work for an event. I emailed him that morning saying I'd probably be a little tipsy and ready for lovin' when I got home and for him to be ready. I got home around 10:30 p.m. and he was all smiles. He was defragmenting an external hard drive that we use for downloading music and said that he'd found some p on it and had deleted it. Something just made me ask him, "so what did you actually do right after you found the p?" He looked right at me and said, "I deleted it all!" and that was that. I was feeling good and we got intimate; a little bit into our session, he wasn't maintaining his erection, so I gave him oral only to discover that he'd mb'd!!! That just made me lose all my enthusiasm and the session went from bad to worse, I couldn't even look at him. Finally he was like, "what's wrong?" and I said, "I know, I know what you did today and right now, that's not even what I'm upset about, I'm upset that you LIED to me when I point blank asked you what you did once you found the p!!!" Do you know what his first response was? "You can actually tell when I've mb'd even just once?" DUH IDIOT!! I've told him several times in the past how I can tell, it's like he's selectively deaf!
Man, I was steaming, freaking out mad!! My mind was reeling, grasping for a consequence to deal him and then I just got this hopeless, drained feeling and knew that there was absolutely nothing I could do that would hurt or get through to him, the man is emotionless to keep doing this, knowing how it hurts us both!! Why did he lie? What can I do? I gotta do something, something, gotta do something! That's all I could think. So I went into the kitchen, grabbed a sharp knife and cut two slices into MY OWN WRIST!! OMG, the euphoria was incredible at first, my heart was beating out of my chest and I was almost hyperventilating. I slid to the floor and then the pain hit me like a brick, I started sobbing and threw the knife across the room. He came out to see what the commotion was at that point and I just held up my bloody arm to him and yelled at the top of my lungs "I DO NOT WANT TO BE THIS PERSON!" I ran into the bathroom, stripped and started a shower, got in and slid to the floor of the tub sobbing, holding my arm, feeling like the biggest idiot in the world for trusting this man over and over again. He ran right behind me and demanded to see my wrist, to see the damage. I just broke down completely, I honestly don't even remember everything I said but I know I was a sniveling, sobbing mess sitting there in the shower and do remember saying that I was an idiot to trust him when all he does is stab me in the heart over and over, he's not good for me, I have to get away, I can't be a person who hurts myself like this, he was driving me crazy, stuff like that just over and over. I think I really had a nervous breakdown of some sort last night and it scared the crap out of him and me. I finally opened my eyes and he was sitting in front of me in the tub, begging me to come out so he could fix my cuts. I let him lead me out of the bathroom and dry me off (I was shivering and shaking like never in my life!). He tended my cuts as I was just babbling on and on.
Soon after, I came back to myself and was still of the mindset that I have to get away from him, this wasn't going to work. I was even able to verbalize why I cut myself, because it was the only option I could see, because I had no other recourse to hurt him but to hurt myself instead. I described how it felt, how it was like I was someone in the room watching myself, that it wasn't me! I'm clumsy and I've admitted recently that it may be a subconscious way of inflicting pain so I can be distracted by the pain. I've actually been thinking about cutting myself for the last month and I told him so. I've never cut myself on purpose before.
So this time, he begged me to give him more time to work on his issues I mean, begged!! He said he knew the only way he could get my trust was to prove himself to me and that he wanted to be a better man for me and himself. Yadda Yadda Yadda. I'm numb, can't believe his BS, he's gonna have to show me. Luckily, I got us a counseling appointment for Thursday and am hopeful that it will start us on the road to healing but dang!!! What the heck just happened to me last night?? This is insane!
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Post by everhopeful on Nov 7, 2007 17:13:50 GMT -5
Things are tense at home. I can tell that what I did on Monday really scared him and he keeps asking, "you're never doing that again, right? You promise?" He almost sounds like me about his p & mbing! lol
I'm being upbeat, supportive and loving, asking for lots of hugs and kisses which I need and he's being quite accommodating, I can tell he enjoys it too.
I just wish he'd talk more, he's still so clammed up and never OFFERS information. I have to ask him, "how'd it go today? are you ok? are you sure?" stuff like that to get anything out of him about it and it's frustrating. We've talked in-depth about what I need to feel like he's really trying and in order to build my trust in him, and I keep stressing that COMMUNICATION from him is my main requirement, I need him to tell me what he did, how he handled an "urge" as he calls it, if he visited the boards or read some more from one of his books on it. He says he understands and that he'll try harder to be more forthcoming but that it's uncomfortable for him and he's embarassed & ashamed about the whole thing and therefore is reluctant to initiate discussion of it. Is this guy 2 years old or what? GROW THE (expletive) UP AND DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE TO KEEP THIS TOGETHER OR I WILL BE GONE!! It's like he hasn't fully grasped that yet or something, I don't know.
I do know I'm tired and frustrated and it's my birthday today and all I can think about is this lame crap!! He has caused all of this distress in me and I honestly hate him for that, yes, HATE HIM!! I was in a miserable marriage for 8 years before him, I did not want to feel miserable like that EVER AGAIN, he knew that and totally let me down.
I know I'm in a love/hate place about him right now. There are lots of wonderful things about him outside of this and I try to focus on them, but my mind always circles back to this, it's like a black cloud that just won't clear up! It's almost like, "well, yeah, this and that are great, but if he could do the other thing (ie, lie like a dog), doesn't it negate this and that?" It makes all the good stuff seem like a lie to me. I told him that once and he got angry about it, saying that those things were real and one has nothing to do with the other and that it's just how us women think, we tie things together that really don't correspond. So I guess he's saying that he's a compartmentalizer, right? I just can't do that, so it's hard to understand.
He just emailed me about some posts I sent him and said that we both deserve better and he's seriously finished w/p & mbing. I truly hope he means it because I am overdue for a healthy relationship that brings me joy!
Happy birthday to me!
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Post by everhopeful on Nov 8, 2007 11:15:54 GMT -5
So our first counseling session is tonite. I got a weird vibe from him this morning that made me think he might bail on the session, so I called him on it and he swears he's looking forward to it and will go. I'm hopeful but cautious at this point. Last night I mentioned that I hoped everything would work out for us and he said, "I KNOW it will baby!" with a confidence I haven't heard out of him in a long time, it made me smile and my heart warmed a little more toward him. We'll get there.
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Post by everhopeful on Nov 8, 2007 13:31:54 GMT -5
I'm freaking out a little today reading all the threads from recovering addicts. They all stress how hard and painful stopping is and I don't know if I can go through much more of the lies and extreme pain. The thought "he's conning me, he's pulling one over on me and really has no intention of beating this thing" keeps running through my head.
I'm about to cry at my desk, I guess I'm depressed or something, I'm not used to these feelings washing over me so often. I just want this problem to GO AWAY!! As someone on the partner board always says, this is crazy making, I feel like I'm losing my mind!
I just want to be happy and content in my life, I by no means expect perfection, but I sure as hell know that things can be way better than they are now. I'm terrified of this all blowing up in my face and the devastation that will follow .
I told him to be honest with me about things and not to worry about hurting me, I wouldn't "break," but now I don't know if that's true, I feel extremely fragile and weak and don't know how much more I can withstand!
I think a break from him may be in order, but I know he'll freak out and I'm afraid it may set him back, give him an excuse to act out. This sucks, I hate being in this, hate that I even have to deal with this crap! He made this and if he doesn't fix it, I don't know what I'll do!
I'm really scared, I don't want to hurt myself again, I don't! But it keeps popping into my mind, doing it again, doing something to take the focus off of his sickness that is taking over our lives and now making me sick! I've lost my appetite and don't eat nearly as much anymore, I eat because I know I should; I'm so stressed out and can't seem to pull myself out of the bad, sad feelings like I usually can. I'm normally an upbeat person who can turn my mood around easily with thoughts of all the great things in my life that I'm grateful for, but now even that's not working! I'm so scared!
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Post by everhopeful on Nov 8, 2007 15:57:23 GMT -5
He called and I told him how I've been feeling, basically overwhelmed and scared about the tough journey ahead. He was so thoughtful and supportive saying that he feels like a new man, has his head on straight now and that it's ok that I feel fragile right now because, "I'm going to take care of you." I so want to believe him, this is what I've needed from him for so long. It's just that I've heard the "you're gonna see a new man" spiel before, actually it was a week or two ago that he said that exact thing and then screwed it all up by lying just this past MONDAY. Hmm, no wonder I don't trust his word! I asked him what had changed this time and he said that he just feels good about his life, work is going well which he ties to his identity as a man alot and used to always blame for his stress which led to p and mbing. He seems to think that work stress will not happen again due to some big changes that have taken place at work, but he is being a little idealistic imo. He still needs to work on how to deal with stress when it comes along, I hope the counselor can help him with that.
I want to trust him again so badly, but know that I can't take another blow from him right now and I said that. He just kept reassuring me that I would not experience any disappointment because he's got it together now. I'll just wait and watch, still guarding my heart just in case.
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Post by everhopeful on Nov 9, 2007 11:45:44 GMT -5
I am more hopeful after last night's counseling session. He just spilled all of his beans there, I even learned a few new things about his family! I could just see the relief of release in his body language during, and afteword he said himself how great it felt to finally have a neutral party to talk to!
The things he said while in counseling were very reassuring. He said that he saw no useful or positive purpose for p & mbing and he didn't want to lose our great relationship over this nonsense. Then he went into all the things he intends for us to do to make it harder for him to access p and to make him accountable (ie, covenent eyes, etc.) once he fixes the laptop. He said once again that he'd let me know when he was struggling w/urges and I think saying that to the counseler made him feel more positive pressure to be more accountable on that. He also talked about how he p & mb-d to relieve stress mainly and felt that things were better at work and he was learning new ways to handle work stress. He mentioned that he'd like to perhaps go to some sort of group therapy meeting as well since that type of setting was really helpful when he quit drinking. I didn't even know that! So I feel like he's really opening up and feeling strong and ready to conquer this beast!!
We did discuss what happened on Monday but for some reason, neither of us brought up my cutting myself, so I plan on discussing it w/the counselor at another session. Our counselor is experienced in this and offered up some good suggestions/things to think about already in this first meeting, so I think he's gonna be a good fit. We decided to do alternating sessions since we have relationship/trust issues along with his individual issues to work on. We'll each meet with him alone and then come together for a session as well over the weeks.
I still realize that the proof is in the pudding and am wary, especially seeing how these p-heads can be such savvy liars, but I also can't keep going on being on edge over this all the time, so for now, I'm...hopeful I guess.
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Post by everhopeful on Nov 12, 2007 11:33:50 GMT -5
Things are still going well. He is still in caring, empathetic mode and everyday reassures me that he's not ping or mbing when I ask but I still have trouble believing him. He was home alone for half the day yesterday and I was tempted to take our laptop with me when I went out but it occured to me that he'd still have his work laptops to use. He even told me I could take them all with me if I wanted to but then I realized that this is his battle and I left them all there for him to deal with. He swears that he did not give in to p & mbing.
The thing I struggle with is feeling like it's my job to pleasure him more frequently since he no longer has the mb outlet for release. So last night I was horny and intended to get frisky with him, but then drank a little too much wine with dinner and got a tummy ache! I ended up falling asleep on the couch and he made me get up and go to bed. I felt so bad and kept apologizing for not being up for sex and asked if he was gonna look at porn when I went to sleep (keep in mind I was buzzed and half asleep when I asked him, I know I looked like a big, goofy, whining baby!) and he assured me that he was gonna stay in the bedroom with me and watch TV, which I'm pretty sure he actually did. He even said to stop apologizing and I could tell he felt bad that I feel obligated to "service" him in lieu of p & mb. I guess I still have the notion that it has something to do with me in my head, that my not being enough is what drove him to p & mb eventhough logically I know that's really not the case! How do I get rid of that nagging feeling? First, I'm gonna go back to recovery nation and actually do the exercises, I'm hoping that will help me stop feeling partially responsible for his issues.
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Post by everhopeful on Nov 15, 2007 11:30:37 GMT -5
Still going along well. Last night I said, "it's good to have my sweetie back!" and he said, "it's good to be back!" I sure hope he means it. We seem closer than ever and are enjoying each other's company more, but I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop! That's what I hate most about this, knowing that I can't totally relax and trust him eventhough I really want to. The minute I do, BAM, he'll knock me for a loop, that's my biggest fear right now, well, that and the nagging fear that he may still be lying to me right now, saying all the right things but still not really sincere. How will I ever know if how he's acting/talking is real? This is the part that he's really messed up for me, the trust. After last Monday's lying to my face fiasco, I just can't lay my heart out to get stabbed again, just can't!
I'm trying to focus more on Law of Attraction stuff to get my head back in a more positive space. I had been studying Abraham-Hicks' stuff before D-day and kind of dropped it all as I fell into his negative p hole but now I'm ready to get refocused on living a more joyful, positive life despite him and his issues. I have to for my own well-being and sanity.
His individual counseling session is on Saturday, I sure hope he goes to it!
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Post by everhopeful on Nov 20, 2007 11:18:53 GMT -5
Everything is going great! It's clear that he has not mb'd since the 5th and our sex has been incredible! We are getting closer day by day and I'm starting to trust him, but will still move forward with caution. He is using the rational recovery technique for sure, he said he's told his brain that it can have release, just only with me and that seems to be working so far. He says he doesn't need p at all and doesn't have urges. Keeping himself busy when home alone and the counseling are helping.
He told me all about his counseling session, they discussed the difference between the instant gratification of p & mb and sex w/me which led into a discussion of how to prolong the feelings of sex by practicing tantric sex, so we're gonna look into it. They talked about a bunch of other productive stuff and I can tell he's bolstered by it.
I am dilligently working on not managing his recovery which is hard for an overanalytical control freak like me, but I'm getting there.
We came to the conclusion last night that we are both wounded souls trying to help each other heal. I think we'll get through this and be better for it if neither of us gives up!
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Post by everhopeful on Nov 26, 2007 11:50:17 GMT -5
Had a great long Holiday weekend. He's his usual quiet self, but says he loves me quite oftern and assured me yesterday that he has not p'd or mb'd since the 5th when he last got caught in his lies. I can tell as well and our sex life has been much better. He actually said to me, "don't worry baby, I'm being faithful to you, you are all the woman I need." Wow, Faithful? I am so pleasantly surprised that HE now sees p as a form of cheating! We got two books in the mail that I ordered from Amazon; that Carnes book, "out of the shadows of the net" and some other lesser known book on breaking p addiction. He grabbed the Carnes book and read half of it while we were sitting around the house last night, I couldn't believe it! He seems totally determined to beat this and insists he's doing it mainly for himself, "I don't need that crap!" that's the type of stuff he says now, it's so refreshing! I can remember, it wasn't that long ago that he was saying "hey, I like looking at women, so sue me!" and other stupid things to that effect, what a turnaround! I am starting to trust his word, it feels nice.
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Post by everhopeful on Nov 27, 2007 14:20:26 GMT -5
Whew! We had a very intense night of lovemaking last night! I'm lovin' it, but did get a funny feeling at one point when SO had us stand in front of a mirror and we watched ourselves doing it. I immediately got this "is he trying to re-create a porn scene?" thought but immediately let it go because I was having fun too! It didn't last long and we moved on to something else, so I'm not gonna worry about it.
It's just disturbing how this experience has jaded my views on sex and men in general. Whenever I'm out shopping or something and catch a random dude craning his neck to check out some chick walking past him my first thought is "dum p-head! I bet he sees her as a thing, an object, how sad." Sometimes I go as far as to try and guess what his thoughts might be at that moment, things like "boy, I'd like a piece of that!" I think stuff like that alot now and I wish it would stop, I feel a great dislike for men now moreso than ever before (I've always had some man distrust issues from my dad being an absentee father when I was growing up) and I don't like feeling this way.
I had my first counseling session alone last night and it went very well. I really like our counselor and the way he talks, he is very focused on us healing from this together so that we can get married, I have a feeling that's his ultimate goal, to see us walk down the aisle. It was great and very freeing to be able to share all my feelings and thoughts with someone neutral who seems to totally understand what we're dealing with here. I pretty much bounced out of there and bounded home to give SO big hugs and kisses, I felt so energized and hopeful and still do! Things are definitely looking up, I have plans in place to protect myself if he slips (boundaries & consequences) and the counselor and I reviewed them in the session, tweaked them a little and I feel quite a bit safer; I know I won't totally freak if he confesses to a slip or even if he lies and I find out later. It's a relief, really.
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