My Journal as a Partner of a PA

[everhopeful]

I am living with an addictive personality. We've been together almost 6 years, the first 3 were spent helping him battle his destructive and very dramatic binge drinking addiction, now I realize he's replaced that with porn. He also chews tobacco.

I am his nurturer, the one who's constantly trying to show him his value in the world, in my world. I now realize I can't do this alone. He needs to go to therapy, he's got demons I am not equipped to help him with (molestation and excessive family religiosity growing up). He's the first man I've ever had to go through these types of things with, I've never been in a relationship with an addictive personality before.

I need a place to put down my feelings, my thoughts as we go through his recovery process. This place is perfect, I'm so grateful it's here.

[everhopeful]

I caught him again last week, down in the lower level bathroom with the laptop. His p & mb cycle had started again and I didn't catch the warning signs, well actually I'm just learning them as we go through this over and over, I'd say this is about the 7th time or so of going through this with him over the last 2 years. Every time I've always just trusted that he wouldn't continue to let p & mb overtake his relationship with me again and I'd let it go and move on believing that he wasn't doing it anymore.

I'm going to document the signs of him being in a p & mb cycle here so that I can turn back to this when necessary when he may be relapsing. After being caught, he starts going to bed when I do, then he's eventually staying up later and later every night using work as his excuse until he is up all night and I'm too tired to be keeping up with him. That's when the p & mb starts taking over I guess. He also doesn't want sex as much and starts claiming too tired to have sex when I want it and pushes me aside for p & mb soon after. Then, when we do have sex, he can't maintain an erection, I assume due to p & mbing so much; he's getting older, doesn't he see that he can't do it all and me not notice the difference? When he gets caught and claims to turn over a new leaf, the sex improves greatly because he really is making an effort to not watch p & mb, for a little while that is.

It never seems to last, so I've urged him to come to this site and recovery nation, come up with a plan and let me know what it is. Yesterday he says he will visit the sites regularly and his goal is to not watch porn or mb at all anymore!! I can't believe he is really gonna try and do this!! He's claimed remorse, shame, and hating himself for doing this several times in the past, has claimed he won't do it anymore in the past but everytime he fails and ends up neglecting our relationship for p & mb, how can I trust that this time is any different? Perhaps the fact that this time he has resources to use (the sites) which were never a factor before will make a difference, I hope so.

I must say that I'm on here way more than him, almost obsessively right now in my new discovery phase - I realize I was in denial, couldn't accept that he had a p & mb addiction all those other times before, but not this time, I'm facing this head on and getting educated. It bugs me that he's not coming on here but I can't control him, I have to just help myself right now, right?

He agreed to putting monitoring software on the computer and showed me all the places where he's hidden his porn before, that's a good sign so I'm hopeful that he's finally serious about this. My big underlying fear is, "if he gets past this, what will the next big addiction be?" That's why I've asked him to get counseling, but he has to seek it out and go on his own so I think the odds are slim that it'll happen. But hey, I tried!

[susan]

Hi everhopeful -

You'd most likely benefit if you saw a counselor for you. It saved my life, but of course I've been doing this cycle dance with my husband for six years or so as well.

They do really well for a little while. Then when you least expect it, kaboom! I'm sick of the dance. He needs to do something differently this time or we're done.

[everhopeful]

The last 2 days have been interesting. On Tuesday, I started out trying to understand him and barraged him with "why this, why that" types of questions; next thing I knew I was getting angrier and angrier at his lame answers and non-answers to alot of the questions and started snapping at him. We both concluded that I definitely can't try to be his shrink on this topic and we both need to go to counseling asap (I'd prefer separately but he's balking at that)!

We've also been doing it like rabbits, 2+ times a day and I'm sore and exhausted! Is this why he was p & mbing so much, because he's insatiable? If that's the case, I may have to give him occasional p & mb liberties because I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up! lol Nah, I don't mean that, but boy, how do I handle this? I'm not sure! I'll give it a few more days and see if he persists w/wanting sex every day. I'm hoping he gets tired soon! Heck, he's overweight and certainly not the energizer bunny, I'm kinda shocked!

Anyone got any thoughts/advice on this? Your input is totally welcome!

[susan]

Hi ever-

I think he's replacing the porn with real sex. It kinda feels like you're a blow-up doll right now. I've read some SOs and PAs have a period of celibacy when the PA quits using porn....gives the mind some time to adjust. The 2+X a day doesn't sound right to me.

The non-answers????I love those. I got them too, from my H.

Here's my all time favorite:

Because I can.

I think we went counseling the first time together, got this stuff out on the table. Then we began working individually.

[everhopeful]

Thanks Susan, I didn't even think of that, can't imagine him seeing/using me like that! I mean he even said last night something to the effect of, "Wow, I didn't realize how wonderful this is, I was blind! This is way better than p & mb!" it made me think it had nothing to do w/p & mb and more about making a connection with each other and having real intimacy. Also before we did it last night he even said that he didn't want to have sex, he wanted to make love to me. Then after he said he wanted to try staying inside me while we fell asleep which he's never mentioned wanting to do before, so we tried it. What a dummy I am!

So, I'm trying to be nurturing, understanding and supportive, focusing on helping him and now I can't even have sex without being suspicious of his motives? Now I may have to be celibate for a while? Why do I have to give and sacrifice so much? Oh boy, I'm getting angry. This isn't good.

Someone please tell me that this isn't the case, that maybe Susan's hypothesis is wrong! I'm about to freak out!

[susan]

I am so very sorry if I upset you. It was just a thought. I hope I'm wrong.

I'm just running thoughts through my head, what I've done, where I've been. I tried at the beginning also, to have sex frequently, thinking that it would tire him out too much to be interested in self-sex. That backfired big time on me. The more sex we had, the more aroused he stayed most of the time. He actually did more porn, the more we were intimate. Crazy, no?

You're not a dummy. Not one bit. You don't have to be celibate if you don't want to be, but I think it's said that he needs celibacy to readjust his libido or hormones or something.

Again, sorry I upset you, and I won't intrude on your journal again. This should be a safe place for you, not a place of worry.

Many people don't post in the journal section. Maybe if you place your question on the general board you can get a better answer. Best of luck to you.

[everhopeful]

Susan, don't sweat it, it was just initial shock. I'm better now. Your comments made me look at things from another perspective, no harm in that! Thanks so much for your caring responses and you are more than welcome to chime in whenever you like.

So, I set a boundary with him last night. We read an article on boundaries together that another poster put in my other partners board thread, so he understands the concept.
So I decided that if he turns back to p & mb to the point of neglecting me again, he will be exiled to our 2nd bedroom to sleep, he will lose the right to sleep with me. He frowned and was like "no way, that sucks!" I was like, "my point exactly, it will hurt you, hence it's an effective consequence." He nodded his head at that and said "ok," I hope I did that right.

We also did not have sex last night, he actually went to bed early and seemed ok with it so that's a good sign. Our communication is still good and he now knows my posting name here so he can visit and see where I'm at with this whole thing if he chooses to.

I also called a counselor today but she was not experienced enough in pa and was an advocate of 12 step programs which we aren't comfortable with. I swear, I almost got into an argument with her about it, she kept insisting that it wasn't about religion (we're agnostic) and that the whole "admitting I'm powerless" angle of most 12 step programs was about control, not deferring responsibility (which is what we view it as saying), but still she turned me off with her combative attitude, so I'll keep calling around. It was disheartening, I hope I don't get that from all of them! I like the approach of Recovery Nation and a book that SO found called "Rational Recovery" which puts the onus on the addict wholly and looks at addiction from a more chemical, "fool your brain with reverse psychology" type of angle.

I hope we can find a counselor soon though, I'm ready to really VENT to a professional neutral party!

[everhopeful]

Things are going surprisingly well, he's on day 14 and in great spirits, being very loving and attentive. I could get used to this!

I'm sort of bracing myself for the letdown though, for him to get defensive about it, or to slip up, or something, because that's what he usually does. We'll see.

It's funny, I checked out that 5 love languages site, figured out that I like gifts/gestures to feel loved and he needs verbal praise/affirmation. So we both know each other's language now and guess who's making way more effort to use it? ME!! I'm praising him left and right! He hasn't made a gesture yet, not even a little love note (one of the things I specifically told him I'd love to get). Why is this so hard for him? Since the beginning, I was always the one getting him all types of gifts, that's slowed since it was clear he didn't appreciate them much, but I still write him love notes and send him sweet text messages, and even when I point blank say, "this is what I need from you" he still won't do it! I know I should just be happy that he's doing the no p & mb thing and being more attentive emotionally and physically, but darnit, I want a goodie!! lol At this point, even flowers would light me up like an x-mas tree!

[everhopeful]

Day two of his being out of town for work, he returns on Sunday. I am concerned about the fact that he hasn't visited this or the recovery nation site on his own at all yet. I can tell that he thinks he can just stop and beat this all by himself eventhough I've stressed the importance of having the help of these sites at least. He also has not sought out counseling on his own. I'm really afraid that he's just gonna fall back into the same old habits eventually and our relationship will fall apart!

So, I'm still pulling away in anticipation of the mess he's gonna make later, I can't help it, I can't keep being hurt by him over and over like this, I just can't. How can he possibly think he can beat this alone after being hooked since his early teens? It's just plain dumb of him!

When we talked last night, he assured me that he wouldn't get internet service in the hotel (especially since they charge a fee) and wouldn't p or mb at all while away. I just keep being supportive, saying how great and intense our reunion will be due to our abstinence this week and he seems excited about it.

We haven't discussed his triggers or how he's been handling temptation so far, it's like he's avoiding those topics which isn't a good sign. I will bring it up tonite because I just have to know, he's not sharing much with me on how it's going for him, he usually just says that reading the few partner board posts here that I showed him a few weeks ago really impacted him and have made him just stop. But it can't be that easy, can it?

[everhopeful]

So, women's intuition is no joke! Something told me to do a little extra snooping while he's gone and I found that he has an active profile on a personals site!!! I am not as upset as I thought I'd be though. Perhaps because it just happened about 1/2 hour ago and I'm still in shock.

Anyway, it looked like he set it up in the last 2 years or so, as it has the old town we lived in as his location and we were there 2 years and moved from there this past summer.

I've already sent him an email asking why he has a profile there and then soon after I sent another email saying that if he really doesn't want to be with me, he should say so and it's selfish of him to hold on to me and hold me back if he doesn't care for me all that much. I said that he deserves to be happy and so do I and if that means breaking up, then so be it.

Then I had a crazy notion and actually mentioned that perhaps we should try an "open relationship" if he's so unfulfilled with me alone and is curious about what's out there; hey, I'm curious too, so why not? I don't know how good of an idea that was, as it'd kill me if he screwed another chick, but I'm trying to be open here. Grasping at straws again I guess.

Why does this man make me so crazy?

[everhopeful]

So I'm a dork and it was not as bad as I anticipated. Upon further investigation, it was clear that he never contacted anyone nor was he contacted through that site, and none of the emails he recieved from the site were ever opened by him. When asked why he joined in the first place, he swears he probably joined it to see nude pics only and had promptly forgotten about it. He then offered up access to every email account and password(s) that he has and said that he's an open book, has nothing to hide and his deception days are over. He was so earnest and even discussed how he handles urges and surprisingly said that his urges have reduced greatly and he is dedicated to staying p & mb free!! I stressed to him that no more lies would be tolerated and he was very reassuring.

It's funny tho, when he first got the emails he left me an irate message, "I don't need this crap when I'm travelling for work, blah, blah, blah!" and I immediately responded that he had no place being mad at me since he created this situation. After that, I guess his head cleared and he apologized for lashing out and said I was totally right!! Who is this guy? It's awesome how earnest he is about this and how sweet he's being, I'm eating it up while it lasts!

[everhopeful]

So he came back yesterday afternoon and I was so excited to see him. We got home and he promptly fell right back into "after work mode" and was just sitting around chilling on watching tv, not really paying much attention to me. He claimed tired when I said something about it, and went and took a bath. Then he comes out in some sexy "manpants" as I call them, ready to seduce me and I went right along with it. I have my ways and soon into our session knew that he had mb-d recently, probably the day before. I'm not too upset since we were apart for a whole week but he of course hasn't mentioned it. He did make a point of apologizing for the personals profile and said "no more secrets." I plan on bringing up his mbing while away tonight when I get home from work, just want to see if he'll really be honest with me when asked point blank. We'll see. It's interesting tho, he knows how I can tell if he's mb'd, yet still does it so soon before coming home? What a dummy!

[everhopeful]

So I sent him an email already saying what I suspected and asking for his complete honesty and explained that he'd suffer no negative consequences for being honest. I just need to know he's not lying to me/withholding info most of all. So he responded that he had indeed mb'd on Saturday and should have told me and also shared that he had the urge to look at p today (he's off today) and was trying hard to resist. I responded by thanking him for his honesty and suggesting that we have a romantic night tonite and said I'd even wear some lingerie for him. I said I hoped that the thought of being w/me tonite would help him to hold off on the p. We'll see.

I'm proud of myself for how well I'm handling this. I want him to be able to be honest and come to me when he has the "urge" to look at p as he did today, if he feels safe to tell me then he will be honest more and more I hope.

[everhopeful]

Of course, my heart did sink when he said he had the urge to look at p today already, we had a good night last night sexually and it's a little disheartening to know that our time together did nothing to keep him from wanting to look at other women in that way online today.

Just venting more here...so why did he wait til Saturday to mb instead of doing it on like Wed, Thurs and then waiting for our Sunday reunion which would have been more intense and probably more fulfilling for him? I noticed it took him longer to climax and he just wasn't as into it; he knows that this is the consequence of mbing, so why didn't he stop and think about that? Why are these guys to short-sighted? They can't seem to think/see past the moment of brief pleasure that mbing brings them.

Man, this journal is a lifesaver for me, I can post my thoughts and feelings and get it all out and then be able to be rational and reasonable with him later. I'm so grateful for this resource!