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Post by tontoinsa on Sept 26, 2007 9:14:32 GMT -5
Subject: Moving Forward
My story is simple and common. I have been involved in pornography and compulsive masturbation for many years. It is an addiction. I am powerless.
I have left a path of ruin behind me, divorces, bad relationships with family, friends and fellow employees. I have wasted away other peoples lives with my behaviour and lies as well as my own.
I have many regrets in my life, huge loss, and am repentant for all of it. I may never be able to properly make amends to those I have hurt. But, I will do what I can.
Since my last separation and divorce I have been a member of SA. During that time I have had varying success in sobriety up to 6 months. But, lately I have been questioning the definition of sobriety.
My sponsor and fellows have helped me in clarity to reevaluate. And I am NOT sober.
So. I need this journal to monitor and use as a tool in my maintenance of sobriety.
For those of you who read. I will gratefully accept comment, challenges, and criticism.
Thanks for letting me share.
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Post by tontoinsa on Sept 27, 2007 9:13:26 GMT -5
The Look,
Today I did look at a po## image. It was the look and turn away. Look and turn away in disgust. This pattern has to end. And I can not do it alone.
The weekend should be better. No TV, internet, or anything else.
Thanks
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Post by empower on Sept 27, 2007 14:34:51 GMT -5
Tontoinsa,
Just know this - All of us here are with you all the way. When you fall, we reach out to you. When we fall - and we do - you will reach out to us... Day by day Step by step.
Welcome, Empower
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Post by tontoinsa on Oct 2, 2007 9:31:45 GMT -5
Subject: Civilization
I am wondering about my life situation. Am I stuck in a loop of lies and deception of my own making. Do I need to completely extricate myself from my current surroundings for recovery?
Over the weekend of almost 5 days. I was up north fishing with some new friends. During all of this time I was not tempted towards lust, acting out or any other form of my sickness.
YET, as soon as I return back to my home. BOOM. There it is, the sickness in it full ugliness.
What makes the difference? Is it the lonliness of being at my home with true connection? Is it idle time? Is it the lack of contact? Is it the lack of stimulation or opportunity?
Whatever, it is I am grateful for the briefest of respite from the sickness. But, reality is back. And I must remain deligent to stay sober today.
Thanks for the share.
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Post by tontoinsa on Oct 3, 2007 9:19:45 GMT -5
Subject: Rigorous Honesty
Hello I am a SA and my sobreity date is yesterday.
In my F2F meeting I had to hand in my 3 month chip as I was viewing po## yesterday. I was lying to myself with the intent to keep my ego fed. But this is an afront to my true recovery. So, admit, move ahead, and restart.
I have a significant other that knows about my addiction and recovery. I am afraid to tell her about my latest slip. On one hand I must stay honest to her and not hide. But on the other hand, I know from personal experience the extreme pain, disgust, and deflation of humanity that a partners use of po## can cause. In reality, I do have great feeling for this person, and have not been se##ual with her. I feel that she is beginning to see my use of po## as a substitute for a physical relationship. When in reality it is not.
I want to have a clean conscience before a physical realtionship. I want to show true feelings not based on love or self gratification. This means abstinence until I obtaine enough sobriety and recovery to truely give myself to another with the expectation of a fulfilled fantasy.
I need to talk to my sponsor.
Thanks for the share.
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Post by tontoinsa on Oct 5, 2007 9:42:13 GMT -5
Subject: Anatomy of the chronic slip
I need to constantly remind myself, regardless of the situation that I must keep pushing any form of lust from my mind. It is like everyone keeps telling me, yet I never listen, (much like the child who gets told "Hot" yet must touch) that any form of lust is progressively addictive and destructive.
In my inpatience, I believe that a "look" after a short period of sobriety will not hurt. Yet, without fail, that look, although seemingly benign at that moment, sets off a chain of thought process and events that is irreversible without significant intervention.
It all boils down to discipline. I know that my addiction causes pain, yet I am not disciplined enough to turn away from those looks or triggers. "Control and enjoy" still reverberate in my mind. I have not totally accepted that I can not , nor never will or have been able to, control and enjoy.
I think a large part of my misplaced discipline lay in the effects of my addictions. My seperation from friends, family, and loved ones at face value does not seem directly related to the addiction, when in fact there is that direct relation. I need to always keep that connection in mind as a consequence for that is a HUGE motivator, considering the extreme loss I have historically.
Is is not amusing as we age the realization of how small we are emotionally and intellectually?
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Post by tontoinsa on Oct 10, 2007 11:26:54 GMT -5
Hello I am a SA. SD Oct 8th. 2007
I have a physical slip over the weekend. MB. The first time in almost a year that I have slipped in this manner.
The I have been on is definately an easy one and I can not keep going this way If I am to survive.
Last night at our F2F we heard another members first step. The story was remarkably similiar to that of my own. However, without the carnage of divorce.
I was flabergasted at the very thought that his wife was able to accept his addiction. But after talking directly to him. I found out that he has not been specific with her regarding the addiction and acting out.
I am confused, whether rigorous honesty is really the best policy, or if actions is better without the details. Would me wife have stayed had I "gaslighted the whole addiction, yet worked a rigorous recovery program". She may have, but there would have been the nagging that I lost honesty with her. Yes, I was honest, Yes it did hurt her beyond my comprehension. Should I lived with my shame and spared her the pain. I am beginning to think that a good husband would have said yes.
Instead, I chose the easy path. dumping my addiction upon her, allowing my conscience to be free at her expense. I was wrong.
I will never be able to make a proper amends for this. But, in my recovery, I realize part of that damage and I regret my insensitivity.
Thanks for the share.
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Post by thecableguy on Oct 10, 2007 16:25:51 GMT -5
Great journal. Just keep fighting. It's alllllllllllll mental. You are stronger than the voice. And so am I.
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Post by tontoinsa on Oct 12, 2007 15:02:26 GMT -5
Subject: How to live as a PA
Hello I am a SA SD Oct. 8th. 2007
This has to be THE worst form of addiction. I feel so uncomfortable now in situations that prior to my admission were quite normal.
Many innocuous (well, maybe not so innocuous) situations such as jokes, conversations and social situations I now find uncomfortable and spiritually triggering. Yet, I am not willing nor brave enough to confront others to change. I can only change my reaction to the situation.
Little do most people realize how very se##alized our society has become. It is all around, and I am extremely sensitized to the whole vista.
When I was up north fishing with some friends I did not notice the noise, but as soon as I came home to the city I was overwhelmed by all the triggers.
I must have a way to deal with this. If I do not and become reclusive that too would be extremely unhealthy for I am not very good company with myself.
Over, all though this has been a good week. I managed to maintain my sobriety in a more rigorous form for almost a week and and feeling somewhat better.
Thanks for the share.
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Post by tontoinsa on Oct 15, 2007 9:24:30 GMT -5
Subject: Self Depression
Hello I am a SA
SD Oct 8th.
Last night was our F2F step study meeting. We use the Carnes gentle path workbook for our group and were working on the step 3 material. During the share of my work I was challenged in terms of my depression and lack of self confidence.
It is quite funny that I think that I am very self confident, yet others can see through the facade of my lies and deception. We I am depressed I am also negative towards others in terms of my interactions and my opinions of them.
Again, as always, when I find wrong in others there really is something wrong within me.
I am also finding out that my list if persons to make amends to is steadily growing. In the early days od my work I merely glossed over those obvious persons. But now I see a whole other list, there are people whom I have minimized in my life. These are the realy people I must make those amends to.
What I am amazed at is the horrible scope of hurt that my lies have cost others and myself. What a waste.
I need to focus on the prize. "That joyous freedom we would otherwise never know"
Thanks for the share!!
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Post by tontoinsa on Oct 19, 2007 11:39:51 GMT -5
Subject: Balance of life and responsibility
I have been on a recent rant in my journals about creating and maintaining a "life balance".
As an addict I have been living in a constant stream of extremes. For me it is very difficult to create that balance and maintain balance. I tend to operate like a on/off switch.
How is balance accomplished? I am not sure. But I do know for fact that I can no longer maintain the pace at which I go. It is destructive and ultimately ruinous to my life as can be derived from my past.
It is funny to look at others around me. Everyone else "Seems: to have balance. Or am I being fooled by the throttling of perception my others to maintain the look.
In any case the sobriety and recovery that I have gained in the past are in serious jeopardy if I can not recognize, find and maintain balance.
Thanks for letting me share.
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Post by tontoinsa on Oct 22, 2007 10:46:41 GMT -5
Subject: What is it about the fantasy
Hello I am a SA SD Oct 8th
During this AM's journaling and reading I began to contemplate why I am so suseptable to the fantasy images. What is it about a bunch of pixels or ink dots that draws me into that world. There is nothing real about it. There is nothing beautiful or meaningful about it. There is nothing spiritual about it. So what is it?
Time and again at the height of my acting out and lieing I would say, "but it is not real, why does it hurt you?" and I truly diluted myself into believing that.
But I think that I finally have a small clue why it hurt my wife so terribly much. I was minimalizing a special gift for us. In my wife's eyes I reduced our physical intimacy to something corrupt while at the same time I was indulging in that intimacy with fantasy. That intimacy was to be special between the two of us, it was to create a lasting bond. My actions corrupted that bond.
I do not want to minimize my actions. But at the time I really never understood the true meaning of physical intimacy and the repercussions. It is more than physical intimacy, because it should manifest itself into the loving relationship between the couple.
For years, I was traing myself through the use of po## and MB that physical intimacy was simple a natural process that is totally unrelated to true intimate union. How wrong I was.
In any case, for me to continue in a relationship of ANY form I will need to change my thought process.
Thanks for the share
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Post by tontoinsa on Oct 23, 2007 9:57:38 GMT -5
Subject: Reminding myself to be positive
I need to constantly remind myself to stay positive in my recovery. I have a great deal of things to remain grateful about and I need to focus on those positive aspects of my life. And I do have many positives in my life.
I have been dragging myself down with my own negative attitudes of late. I need to end that negativity, because it propogates itself.
Even admitting that makes me feel better.
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Post by tontoinsa on Oct 24, 2007 9:30:48 GMT -5
Subject: Getting out of a FUNK Hello I am a SA SD Oct. 8th
Working the program and recovery has been a struggle for the past month or so. I have been in a depressive mood, largely due to issues that are beyond my control. But also, there are many issues within my control, or at least my power to let them go.
Last night in my F2F with my group and later with my sponsor I was confronted that I am emitting a extremely negative force. And I know that this is true. It is what has driven me to my last slip. My sponsor was quite pragmatic about the whole issue. Basically saying that I need to get back into a POSITIVE recovery like I was in 6 months ago and the rest should work out itself through a clarity of recovery.
I was also challenged on the relationship I have developed with a woman lately. I am unable to commit fully to wards her. Even though I truly see a future. My past failings and emotions preclude me from a total commitment to wards her. I need to let go of my previous marriage. There is much hurt still there and many questions that remain unanswered.
Today, I am grateful for the group and my sponsor. It is a beautiful day outside, I will need to get out an enjoy it if I can.
Thanks for letting me share.
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Post by tontoinsa on Oct 29, 2007 12:56:31 GMT -5
Subject - The healing qualities of time and recovery
I am a SA SD Oct. 8th.
Even though I had a slip after almost a full year of sobriety I can finally see some improvement in my attitude and commitment.
I still have issues regarding my will and EGO. But those issues are changing with time. The violence of my emotions are not the issue that they once were. No whether of no that has to do with the passage of time away from my ex-wife, or the working of my recovery is still a matter of debate. But I do not care. I feel better and know that in the future I will be better than today and I am better than yesterday.
In any case. Thanks for the time of share.
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