Working Positive Sobriety

[tontoinsa]

I am a SA
SD Oct. 8th.

I feel much better as of late. Perhaps due to some length of sobriety. Or maybe the fact that I am healing from my past marriage.

In any case. My thoughts today were on trust and how over time we as humans lose that trust through life experience. The realization of that fact saddened me deeply. At one time I could trust everyone implicitly without a second guess. But life, fears, and self delusion have caused me to lose that trust. And for me the ability for intimacy.

I never really trusted any person I had a relationship with.

I wonder if my parents near experience with divorce and subsequent resentments played any part of my reluctance to let myself trust others.

I do know that my EGO is fragile with respect to relationships. I do not want to be hurt any more and each time I put up more and more walls to protect that fragile EGO. That is selfishness at it's best.

I know there is no place for religion here. But it seems that all great religious leaders, Jesus, Muhammed, Moses, Buddha, etc. were very flexible and willing to take risks to their egos. Allowing damage yet, learning and growing from those experiences. I suppose that there is a great lesson there.

Thanks for letting me rant and share!

[tontoinsa]

**** The holiday season ***

This season is always a stressful time in my life. But now it seems it is one that I can handle with a small amoutn of grace and poise.

I was in a dangerous place yesterday. Extremely tempted to act act with po##. Yet something stopped me yet again.

During my F2F last night I discovered in my working the steps that I am losing that fear of life that used to color all my thoughts and actions. That fear of risk is still there, yet it is not as strong. I realize as well that fear is based on a false sense of responsibility.

My parents stressed responsibility in the extreme. As such I placed my worth as a person on the amount of responsibility that I would accept. Even though I would overshelm myself and not perform well. I would take on every responsibility I would.

I see that slowly, I am able to let this go. Hopefully in the future I can acheive a sense of balance that is healthy.

In teh meantime work continues.

Thanks for letting ne share.

[tontoinsa]

***** Give it up *****

Caught myself in stinking thinking! Now I need to talk to someone.

IT seems the "cunning baffling" thing is real. I am not ready to act out. But my attitude really su##s.

Call a fellow, sponsor, whatever. But get away from this.

[tontoinsa]

***** Intimacy revisited ******

Hello my name is Joe and I am a SA
SD Oct. 8th.

Unfortunately, last night I was unable to attend my F2F meeting. It is not often when I miss, but when I do I feel unsettled. Familiarity and safety are becoming common for me in those meetings and when I miss them I get a sense of fear. I wonder if that is normal, or am I masking my addiction with the group interaction?

In meditation this morning I began to think about intimacy in relationships. I can not define what true intimacy is in a relationship, nor do I think that I have experienced or observed true intimacy in my life. My experiences in my family, my marriages, and friendships have all been based on sharing within defined boundaries. I have never been able to remove those boundaries, and when asked to do so I violently resist.

I have been asking myself why do I resist that form of intimacy? What fears cause me to hide within myself? Is it my perceptions of my parents relationship? Is it the experiences of my childhood and adolescence? Is it the fear and shame of my addictive behaviours? Is it the pain and disappointments of my relationships and marriages. Or is it everything listed with a common thread of fear? I do know one thing though. I am determined in my new relationship to not pollute any chance for intimacy with the 6 ual behaviours. This is difficult because that desire is always there, the temptations are always there. Yet, I have been honest with my new partner and she is respectful of that boundary.

I do not want to push scripture or bible upon anyone here. But it amazes me the wisdom in those words about 6 ual abstinence before a person is ready to commit to marriage. There is truth in those words and I would assume that other religions have a similiar mantra. My experience has been that developing a relationship based on intellectual and spiritual friendship and intimacy is far more difficult, yet far more rewarding. I do however, not yet base that intimacy on the same level as a 6 ual one. I know that this spiritual intimacy is far more important and longer lasting than any 6 ual intimacy. I need to embrace this, for in retrospect my past attitude and perception of intimacy has been the downfall of both my marriages. Perhaps in time I will be able to break through the haze of addiction to see clearly what intimacy is. But for now the struggle and discovery of self and others are enough to keep me challenged.

Thanks for letting me share.

[tontoinsa]

**** A difficult season ****

My sense of fear and loss are especially heightened at this time of the year. It seems that the extremes of emotions of the past continue to haunt me and shake the foundations of my life.

If I can concentrate of my higher power and release those fears as the will of God then I seem to be OK. But in this season, releasing those fears is not quite as easy as I imagined.

For everyone struggling with this affliction and others. Please have a Good christmas and a safe and happy holiday.

Thanks for letting me share

[tontoinsa]

Hello my name is Joe and I am a SA
SD Oct. 8th. 2007

The struggles of the holidays for me are replete with resentment, fear, anxiety, joy, happiness, sadness, and all the other emotions. My problem lay in my handling of those emotions.

The level headed Joe that was in recovery struggles at this time of the year.

During the break I made an amend as best as I could to my first wife. It was very emotional for me to admit my wrongs to her and to ask her to understand. I did not ask for forgiveness, yet in that moment she did freely offer. I still feel as if it were not enough. Yet it was a step none-the-less.

Also, over the holiday I discovered christmas day, a long time friend of mine was hospitalized for illness due to alcoholism. His life path was not so different than mine, and I have very fond memories of our time spent. I was going to visit him boxing day, unfortunately he passed away that very evening. Upon hearing of his passing from my brother ,who was his best friend, I was brought to tears and overwhelmed with emotion. It was an outburst that I have never experienced before.

I wonder if it was due to the fact that my Friend was so close to my brother, me and the rest of our family. Or was it because I felt the sense of hopelessness that invaded his life, and felt that in my own.

There are so many pressures, desires, temptations and sadness this year that had I not been working some recovery I would have been in a very bad spot indeed.

Even in the joy of christmas celebration there were the pressures from my Neighbour's, (girlfriend, significant other whatever the terminology) family about my intentions. I want to build a safe, holy, and honest relationship. A relationship not based on lust or objectification, but on love, trust, and true sharing. But social pressures are significant. I must trust my feelings and that of God to help me realize when the right time is.

I am safe though. Lust is still active, but I have the tools and fellowship to progressively battle the good battle.

Peace and thanks for letting me share (or in this case dump)