An SO's Journal

[amandac]

Hi again. Just thought I'd update on the last few days. DH and I have been doing fairly well on the surface. He still has things that he hasn't done which bothers me. I'm still having to ask for updates on his progress instead of him just coming out and telling me. This makes me feel like he has something to hide.

But, he is being very sweet lately. He sent me flowers and sometimes replies privately to my posts. I'm get the feeling that he doesn't want to necessarly be associated with me on this site in a public way - and I respect that. After all, I was much more revealing about our history than he has been and I've openly expressed my hurts, frustrations, and feelings. Perhaps he is ashamed of his behavior - or getting caught - and how he has made me feel.

But, he supported me yesterday. I decided that I needed to go to the hospital yesterday because I was having lots of pain and thought that I might be having contractions. I'm only 22 weeks pregnant so that would not be good. I told my husband I was going to my doctor's office - but that if they couldn't get me in, I was going to the emergency room. He met me at the doctor's office and went with me to the hospital when they sent me over. I never asked him to come, but I am so glad he did. I was there pretty much all day being observed. It turns out I was not having contractions - but I do have a bladder infection, stomach virus, was severely dehydrated, and that STRESS was probably a major factor!

Have I been under any stress lately??? HUMMMMMMMM

[amandac]

D-Day was 4 weeks ago today. Since then I've learned lots of things about my husband and a few things about myself. I am proud of my husband - but still reserved. My guard is very much up and my heart is still broken - but beginning to heal. I know that I am worth the healing. I know that my husband is worth the healing. I know that our marriage is worth the healing. And Lord knows our daughter and unborn son are worth the effort.

So I wondering now, when do I stop checking his computer and wondering what he is doing up at night? Right now I don't check his computer daily - but I do check it often. I've never checked his work computer and we've never even discussed it that is an issue - but... should I even bother?

[Mayberry]

Amandac: I will give you my (standard?) this is how it worked for me line...

1. After d-days, I would, eventually, stop checking. You asked "when"--for me: when I got tired of doing it.
2. After the last d-day, my husband installed Covenant Eyes. I stopped checking. For us, that was a sign that he had "sworn off" internet p*rn. He has remained p-free since that time.
3. That said, we had another problem with him calling someone from his past in secrecy. One of the things that happened for me is that I (after the last d-day) became very bothered (triggered?) by his cell phone. It had been his secret toy. I asked to see his cell-phone record of calls after the last d-day. It was "clean." Several weeks later, maybe more, I was very disturbed by the fact that his phone bill arrived electronically. It seemed too much like an "approved" way to hide stuff. When I realized I was bothered by this, I said something. He switched to paper billing without argument.

These days, if I was suspicious, if his behavior "smelled" like he was back to old ways, if my "gut" told me things were awry, I would--as they say around here--"trust but verify." I might look and tell him I had looked. I would ask him to show me whatever I was fretting about. We have *not* dealt with this post-the-beginning-of-his-recovery, so I suspect there are some other women who might be able to give you better advice about "how" to enact "trust but verify."

In the end, friend, I think you have to do *whatever* lets you live most comfortably in your own skin. Not much help, but that's what I would do, without apology for snooping or "not trusting" or whatever. Unfortunately, there seem to commonly be layers on layers of lies with this addiction and, until the person with PA gets serious about recovery, the lie seems to be the easiest pattern to fall back on. It can make the SO feel absolutely crazy and distrusting of her own intuition; so do what you need to do to make you feel sane.

I was sorry to read of your overly-exciting trip to the hospital the other day. I hope you are doing better today?

(HUGS) J

[amandac]

I'm thinking that it may be a good idea - for my H and I to designate a time each week to simply sit down and talk about this and other issues and to do some work on us.

This wil probably surprise him, because I don't typically "talk" well especially about my emotions - but I feel it is something that we need to do. We do spend a lot of time on here reading each other's posts and often responding privately to each other about something we aren't sure about.

Last night, we were both logged in at the same time and he mentioned several things that I had posted that he wanted to talk about - but I told him I couldn't hear it from him. I needed him to write it. I want things it writing for several reasons. 1) I can refer back to what he writes when I need to remember what he said. 2) I don't interrupt his writing - but I do his talking. 3) He can't feed off of my reactions and start defending himself. 4) I can also find out what he said... and distinguish that from what I twisted him to say. 5) It is easier to not have face-to-face conversations. 6) If I need a break from reading, I can take one without fear of ticking him off or creating more drama. 7) My responses are much more coherent and thought out.

[amandac]

I think my H and I are making some pretty quick progress (compared to how long I expected it to take); but we are by no means out-of-the-water.

Tonight we went to the store together (as a family) and I caught myself looking at many of the other women around us - and I was wondering if my husband was thinking about them in lustful ways. I never mentioned it to him, nor did I get the feeling that he WAS lusting for them, but I couldn't help the feeling.

But on a happier note, I got a hair cut today and I think I like it (it always takes me a few days to decide). And our daughter also got her first haircut today. She was soooooooo cute. She is so lovable, so innocent.

[choselife]

Hi, Amanda. I hope that it is ok that I post in your journal. Let me know if otherwise.
I was very touched by all that you wrote.
I'm not looking to take sides in any way. I just want to share with you my perceptions, in general terms.

Change is very difficult to make, even if it is obviously change for the better. I think for myself, the changes for the better typically require me to be less selfish, less self-involved and more giving.

Change is so worth it. There is short term pain, but there is so much more significant long term gain.

Change is gradual. I don't know how realistic it is to make significant change super quickly. It is easier to change behavior than thought patterns or to truly experience long lasting emotional growth. For example, many on this board have said, especially after using P, that I will not use P ever again. And they do change their behavior, albeit for a relatively short period of time, whether it be 3 days, a week, a month or three months.
But then they go back to P, because they haven't really grown emotionally. They are just doing it because they intellectually know its the right thing, but it takes more than that intellectual knowing, it takes the knowing it in your gut. (Thats pretty much the point that I'm getting to).
I think for anyone, and its been my experience, it is only through a sustained period of sobriety that one can internalize how significant it is to oneself. There is no better feeling in the world than to feel the sense of integrity and self-respect that accompany doing the right thing. It is not as exciting or stimulating as escaping into P or other SA, but that kind of excitement and stimulation does not make for a truly happy person. Some may deceive themselves that they are happy, but it is not so.
I suspect that when your husband engages in any unsupportive behavior (amid a sea of supportive behaviors), that it is simply the nature of the process of change, approach-avoidance reaction, etc. Its not that I'm looking to defend him, I am just saying that if he never engaged in non-supportive behavior, that seems like perfection. However, to honestly acknowledge that non-supportive behavior when it occurs - that sounds quite reasonable.
I think that you should use your instincts as a guide to whether your husband's heart is in the right place, and the progress he is making.
If your husband continues on the right path, there is no reason why he won't get to where you want him to be, and that will be a beautiful place for the two of you, individually, as a couple and as a family.
I wish you both well and I hope my post helps the two of you.

CL

[amandac]

THanks CL, I appreciate your thoughts.

Well, H and I had a great weekend and pretty good week too. He is continuing to keep his promises to himself and to me. And I am grateful for his choices and the ease with which he seems to be doing it. I know that if he told me how hard it was everyday to stay P and MB free then I would be having be having a different emotional reaction. But so far, so good.

I've stated to my husband recently that:

"I'm not yet sure if I'm still here because I believe you or because I'm waiting to catch you cheating again.

Hopefully after a few more great weeks, I'll be here wholeheartedly supporting you.

My greatest fear right now is that you get me feeling very comfortable with you and your recovery... and then you "slip."

I cannot go back there.

I don't know how long it is going to be before I stop thinking about the possibility of a slip being very real. "

[amandac]

My personal growth update:

Well, emotionally I am stronger right now than I was on D-Day, but I still can't seem to think of my H P use as a reflection on me. He is being patient with me and is trying to tell me how it's not aobut me, but because my self-esteem is so low - and because of my history - I haven't gotten it yet. I get the feeling that I will not be able to progress much more emotionally until I can overcome this.

Physically, I am doing better. Our baby is doing well (I go back for a checkup on Wed.). I am not in pain anymore from my bladder infection and stomach virus. I got to rest a lot after my visit to the hospital which was nice.

My stress level is down. Taking a few days off, having better communication with my H, recovering physically, and getting a few things done - have all been very helpful.

Spiritually - I haven't done much work here yet. I do intend to.

[amandac]

My husband and I are having a wonderful week still - so I hate that I am posting somewhat negative information here. But I know that in order for things to get better, sometimes they must get worse.

My DH just told me what some of his visual triggers are. (i.e. what physical characteristics he gawks at during the day that often lead him to seek out p.) I was - again - devestated because many of them are not features I would say I possess. This is very hurtful to me. And, this is making me think again - that if I were different - then he wouldn't have to desire other women and turn to p. My H tells me this isn't aobut me. And EVERYONE else tells me this isn't about me. But I still can't seperate myself from it.

How can I be desirable to my H when he has specificially told me what he finds sexy/desirable and - well I'm not it.

I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to move past this which will really hinder my recovery and my relationship with my H. Does anyone have any suggestions or things that worked for them? I know this is a very personal and individual issue and it will depend on many factors - but any different perspectives may be helpful for me. I just can't hear - "you know it isn't about you."

[amandac]

My H is now 32 or 33 days P and MB free. I haven't been counting - but he has! I am very proud of him and I commend him on his efforts. I don't want to minimize his success so far at all, but I'm also wondering if it really is success or just part of his cycle.

He just told me that when he was younger (10 years ago) he was a daily P users. But then after a while, he became more of a binge user up until his latest episode (which he said was pretty much daily for about 3 months - until I caught him). So, I'm wondering is he just experiencing the down cycle of a binge or has he really "broken free". I'm concerned about this because he's told me that it has been fairly easy for him to stop. I can't - just wait for another binge time to see if he slips.

My gut reaction is telling me that only time will tell - but I soooooooo don't want to hear that or know that it is true. I can't experience the pain he has caused me all over again. I can't continue to feel unwanted - especially after he is happy and we are "connecting" again.

To my husband: Again, honey, I want you to know that I am proud of you for where you are right now. But, as we've "discussed", this is a very real fear for me.

[amandac]

I posted several of my questions from my journal onto the Partner's Forum and I got lots of advice/suggestions. Thank you to everyone who posted, read, or prayed over me and my H this past week.

It has been an exciting weekend to say the least!! I went back to the hospital due to high abdominal pain & severe vomiting. The baby is fine and we are confident the pain/issue is not pregnancy related. However, after spending 30 hours in the hospital, no one really knows what is wrong. My labs were okay -so now we just wait to see what happens next.

My H was very helpful during my latest emergency. He took me to the hospital, arranged for child care, stayed many hours in my room with me, and kept my spirits up. He was also persistent about my tests and any necessary referrals that I would need. He also wants me to rest and take care of myself. He came home and cleaned the house (which I have severely neglected lately) so that his mother could watch our children. He cooked dinner tonight for us and made sure that the food fit my "special diet." He has been reaching out to me a lot lately and I recognize his attempts and appreciate all he is doing.

I understand that he has not viewed and P or MB still - since D Day But I still have concerns about his recovery. I don't know what he is doing for himself. I know (and feel guilty) for taking up a lot of his time right now. He is really trying to make sure that I am ok - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I feel that he is spending so much time working to make me feel better - that he is not taking care of his underlying issues.

I also need to work on either not asking him more details about his PA OR work on my response/reaction when he answers my questions. There have been several things that I've asked him recently that deeply hurt me. But - I asked for it!! I knew it was going to hurt - but I asked anyway! I feel like I do need to know the answers to those questions (because I still feel like there are many secrets surrounding his PA) but I also know that I'm setting myself up for more hurt. I'm not sure what to do about this.

Well, it's been a very busy day for me (us) so I'm heading to bed

[Mayberry]

Just thinking of you tonight, and wondering how you're doing? My thoughts are with you. J

[amandac]

Thanks Mayberry.

It has been a long time since I've posted (18 days!). While I come to the board daily, I'm not as concerned about the SO board or my journal anymore. I'm comfortable (isn't that weird) with my place right now.

I check daily for personal messages - mostly looking to see if my husband has messaged me. Then I read his posts. I get so much insight into his recovery and who he is by reading his posts. I am so grateful for this board because of that!

It has been an extrememly busy 3 weeks. My pregnancy is going great. I'm happy to report that I haven't had any more trips to the hospital I started my first teaching unit 2 weeks ago. I'm student teaching in special education (severe to profound disabilities) and I have 2 more weeks of teaching before I get a break. I also have a presentation/paper due in my graduate course next week (which I should be working on right now). My daughter has been sick all week with a mild fever and just feels kind of crummy. She has been crying a lot and doesn't know how to tell us what she wants. We also took in 2 foster children. We have had both of these children before - so it is very sad that they are back. For the most part - they are very well behaved but they have lots of need and are taking up lots of energy and time. The oldest (5 years old) just started therapy - so he will be having lots of appointments. I also had a board meeting last weekend for the non-profit agency that I work for. I operate the office out of my home. Its also been tough because my husband has been out of town several times recently and I've had to do more than usual (arrange childcare/transportation). His meetings (although scheduled in advance) have been really bad timing for me.

To sum it up - I'm exhausted. I'm physiclaly tired, emotionally spent (most of the time), and I don't think I could handle one more ounce of responsibility right now.

My husband has been doing great with his recovery. We are approaching 2 month since D-Day. Our relationship is great. We really haven't been fighting much which is nice. He is a better man and a better husband now.

[trigger]Due to some physical (and pregnancy) issues, our sex life has not been what it was - and I feel terrible for it! I feel guilty when my husband tells me "its been 7 days" or whatever. I'm also slightly nervous that our lack of sex will lead him back to P or MB. I have no reason to think that based on his actions - but nevertheless, I feel it. I felt so guilty recently - that I agreed to having sex before I physically should have and I was in so much pain that I started crying. While I did want to have sex with my husband - I mostly pushed it for him. In turn, I made him feel guilty and it pushed sex back a few more days for us as I recovered again. Fortunately a few days later, we were able to have sex - and it was pain free for me! I also find it very difficult to have sex when I'm pregnant and EXHAUSTED - which has been my case the past few weeks - but that is another issue!![/trigger]

Well, speaking of being tired. I'm in need of a nap!

[amandac]

Okay so I guess I'm having kind of a hard time right now. My husband (Gregg70) recently joined an accountability circle. I am glad that he is doing it, but my impression is that the circle is not very supportive of me and my role in my husband's life and recovery. Several of the members have commented on the fact that they have been advised not to have their wife involved or know completely about their recovery (or atleast that's how I take it).

They also seem to be very impressed with my husband's ability to stop "cold turkey". This ticks me off!!!!

I do understand that most people can't just stop any addiction - but the way they put it makes me think that they have no faith in him and his ability to change his behaviors.

I'm also slipping back into a depressed state again as my husband is introducing himself to his accountability group and he is reviewing the past 2 months with his new friends. As part of his introduction he has to tell his group what his biggest challenges are - and he basically describes lusting after other women on the street. To me, this is the same thing as viewing P except that the women have clothes on!!! I know it is not "as bad" as P, but it is still very hurtful to me.

Don't get me wrong, I want my husband to post HONEST posts and I make the choice to read them - so while I want to know how he is doing, I know that I am setting myself up for a lot of hurt now and in the future!

Will my H ever change his heart??? I know it's only been 2 months - but it is soooo hurtful. I have not really addressed the whole "it's not about you" issue for myself - but I don't even think I can - while my h is still struggling with lusting after other women. Really - - whats the point in even trying??

I'm sorry this post is so negative and depressing after my H and I have been making great strides in our relationship. The contents of this post don't negate those strides at all. But, it does show me that I need to be focusing on my issues and recovery a little more than I have. I

s this a wake up call for me?

[amandac]

Well, today was a lot better of a day for me. I'm almost finished with all of the requirements for my Master's program for the semester and for my Student teaching. My 15 kids are doing well for the most part - yet - their disabilities present many challenges. I had no idea that I would like teaching students with severe disabilities as much as I do - but I like it and I'm pretty good at it. Apparently - dispite my initial apprehension - working with students with autism - seems to be my natural gift!!

Anyway... today was a lot less stressful and I have been much more relaxed. My husband did try to comfort me last night and I found his concern touching and genuine.

I still have a long way to go.

He still has a long way to go.

Oh, yesterday - I went to the doctor for a check up and found out that I had to have another ultrasound because the previous one did not get good pictures of the baby's heart or spine. I found out that our little boy is growing quickly!! He is now measuring 1 week larger than he should (and big for being one week off my due date!). I'm also measuring 2 weeks larger than I should be! So perhaps our little man will show up a little early.

All of my labs are great - except my iron levels are dropping. I still have lost a net of 4 lbs throughout this pregnancy.