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Post by amandac on Sept 16, 2007 8:49:54 GMT -5
So, hello. My husband has been posting on this board for a few weeks and I've read alot of what goes on in here - so I decided to post as well. I tend to express myself better in writing than verbally anyway - so ... here is my open diary.
I should have known better when I met my husband that there would be trouble one day. He was (is) a wonderful man and an excellent father - that's the main reason why I was so very attracted to him. However, I knew he had "relationship" issues - like we all do. He was seperated from his wife, had a "full-time" girlfriend (who was his affair), had a casual sex-friend (who he occassionally met for sex and whatever), and he started talking to me. I KNEW all of these things - yet I still consented to date him (after rejecting him 2 times).
We also starting having sex right away - he went on one more vacation with his girlfriend - which devestated me then (and still does) - but told me he broke up with her and would never see her again. He also said he wouldn't see his sex-buddy again. I knew he was way beyond his wife (or atleast I think he is most of the time).
At the time we met, I was in a short-term long distance relationship with a loser and I knew it was over - so I told him right away that it wouldn't work out.
When I met my H, I was a freshman in college and he was already in his 30s - but that never mattered to me. I had really only had one serious relationship before in which I was hurt very badly. After that relationship ended, I had little self-esteem and virtually no self-worth - despite the fact that on the outside I was the 'picture perfect teenager.' I never would have thought it then, but I was pretty - had a great body, had a great teenager job, had a full scholarship, didn't smoke, drink, or ever contemplate drugs, and I was ready to move on and change the world. But - I didn't feel any of those things. I felt lonely, unwanted, used, and unloved. It was so bad that I put myself into a position where I was raped by an aquaintance.
That just made me feel worse about myself. I started looking for affection everywhere - but found it no where. I had no real friends - and no one to talk to. During my younger adolescences, I became a Christian - but I had turned away from God - so I didn't even have His peace.
Well, I moved on to college - as far away as I could (and still receivce in-state status). I didn't try very hard to make friends and felt very lonely. I got very depressed and eventually went on medication - but I took myself off the meds. And I was doing okay. I pushed myself into work and school and I was fine. A few months later, I met my future H.
I was impressed by his maturity, his responsible nature, and the way he made me feel when he looked at me. I pretty much moved in with him after our first date. We officially moved in together after about 3 months and I was soooo happy. My family hated him and me for moving in together, but I wouldn't have lived with anyone else - or gone back to college if it wasn't for him. He was necessary in my life.
I was there for him as he went through his divorce. I was there for him when he took a promotion and moved across the country. We were still together and visited each other when we could. I had a moment where I didn't think it would work - but the inability to not hear his voice and talk with him made me realize that I needed him and he was right. We got back together right away.
We had been talking about getting married, but I think he was scared of the committment after his first marriage failed. So, I took it upon myself to start the wedding plans rolling. I went out and bought a wedding dress. I called him up, told him what I had done, and he officially proposed the next week (or so). We got married on Spring Break about 6 weeks later. He was living in the South, and I was living in the east, but we made it work.
The wedding was CRAZY! But I always say, I'm glad it's over and I'll never do it again (get married that is). We had a wonderful honeymoon. After it was over, I had to go back to college in the east, and he had to go back to work in the south, so we lived apart for the first 2 months. After my school was over, I moved in with him, and before school started, we both moved back near my college (and near his new job).
Marriage isn't easy. Relationships aren't easy, but we loved each other and worked out our issues. But after only 3 months of marriage, the adultery started. I didn't call it that at first - but it was. I didn't discover it unitl about 4 months later, but it hurt, and I'll never forget it.
(time for a new post)
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Post by amandac on Sept 16, 2007 9:05:55 GMT -5
So... the adultery that I discovered was not pretty But then again, I don't guess any adultery is pretty. At the time, we were trying to get pregnant and I was a few days from my high fertility time - and I was so pissed off at him because I knew I wasn't going to get pregnant right then because of what he had done! I know... it sounds crazy, but that is exactly what I was thinking!!!
The adultery took the form of several emails that my H and his ex-girlfriend made to each other. There was mention of some very sexually explicit experiences they had together and they were making plans to meet. [trigger] At this point, he mentioned that it probably wouldn't be a good idea, because he would be sitting there at dinner beside his wife, but looking at and thinking about having "hot sex" with her. [/trigger]
I was absolutely devestated. I wanted to leave him. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel pain. I was so pissed off because I wanted to have a baby and knew this would interfere. I don't remember anything I said and most of what I did. But I know I cried a lot and I was deeply wounded by him. But I was determinded to have a baby and I knew that I made vows to never leave him when we got married. And I excused his behavior as "well, he didn't actually go have sex again with her, so its not that bad." But I knew it was. But I was being selfish and I wanted to have a baby more than deal with him.
So, the next day, we had sex and I cried through it - just as I had when I was raped. It was the same feeling, but I did it because I knew I had to get though it if I was going to be able to have a baby with him - and afterall, he is a good father. He may have been a crappy husband, but he was a good father. I was being selfish. Thank God, he didn't give us a baby that week. Because I always would have remembered that they were conceived in a horrible way. God does know what He is doing.
I was able to move on after some time. I had to, because I wanted a baby. But I reminded H often of his shortcomings and he would get mad at me. I eventually talked to my pastor about it and he told me that if I forgive him, I can't bring it up any more. He said, you won't forget, but you can't hold it against him.
I took that to heart, and after a while I stopped brining it up. Until recently, when I discovered his P use again.
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Post by amandac on Sept 16, 2007 9:29:49 GMT -5
Well, things go back to normal. DH showered me with affection and I studied ways to love him more. Our efforts paid off. Our daughter was conceived in REAL LOVE on Valentines Day. We went to Hawaii for our 1st anniversary and discovered our little "peanut" a few days after we returned when I went to the doctor.
DH was very involved in the pregnancy and in me. He did his best to make me comfortable and I felt really close to him. I am so glad he was there to support me. I had a really great pregnancy and I'm sure it had something to do with the fact that I was really happy. I graduated college when I was 3 months pregnant and DH supported me because I wasn't able to find a job while I was pregnant.
Things were great!! Except that DH's ex-wife was starting to become a royal pain. She seemed jealous of me from the beginning and very jealous of my pregnancy. My stepson and I had a great relationship, but it started to change during my pregnancy. I'm sure my moods caused some of the change, but he was also jealous, and hearing who-knows-what from his mother.
Well, our baby girl was born and ther world was perfect for that one second!!! She was a great baby and DH and I were great. He was a great support during my 21 hour labor. I appreciated him - although I'm sure I never told him.
One month later, we get the sudden news that his father is in the hospital. DH goes to the hospital and he dies that afternoon. It was an emotional day for DH and he was worn out. My family was in town to visit the new baby, so I was able to go be with my H. My family cooked a large meal and my Hs family was able to come over to visit us and eat at the end of a draining day. But, a few hours later, I experienced a horrible pain that I wasn't able to shake. My DH had to take me to the emergency room and I felt so guilty because he'd been at the hospital all day with his father. I had no idea what it was, but I knew I had to go to the hospital. After 5 hours of waiting, they finally called my name. They gave me a shot of pain medications, but it didn't touch the pain. They were ready to send me home, but I couldn't go. Something wasn't right. They did a MRI and I was immediately admitted to the hospital and surgery was scheduled for the next morning. I send DH home to get some rest because he couldn't do anything more for me and I knew he needed some sleep after such an exhausting day. It was my gallbladder. My abdomen was full of gallstones. My gallbladder had already developed gangrene. It has also started spreading to several other organs. A typical routine, outpatient procedure turned into a 3 night stay in the hospital for me. DH was beside himself. He was scared of loosing me. I was just hoping that the baby was okay and that DH was okay. They took me down for surgery before my husband made it to the hospital the next morning, but they did let him come down to the pre-op room to see me before I went in for surgery. He was very scared, but I was strong for him. He was there when I came back from a slightly complicated (but mostly normal) surgery and he cried like our 1 month old baby. I forced my recovery so that I could be with my DH at his father's funeral and I'm so glad I did. I wanted to be there for him - afterall thats part of being a wife. I was released from the hospital and went to the funeral home a few hours later. DH took good care of me and I took good care of him. We had to. We are each other's best friend, lover, and greatest support. We got through the day and the rest of that year. I know it was hard from my DH because he and his father weren't exactly "close."
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Post by amandac on Sept 16, 2007 9:48:19 GMT -5
Well, I can't believe I'm writing this much!! It is good for me, maybe not good for the reader, but it is very healing for me. And, I'm going to be selfish and do this for me!!! Hope no one minds!
I forgot to mention, but just before our daughter was born, we became foster parents and had 2 young children placed in our home. They were so sweet and while they had many problems, they were a good fit for us (most of the time). Even though they had their (many) moments, we knew they needed us and we were there for them. They have moved on and from what I know, they are both doing well.
A few weeks after my father-in-law's death and my surgery, a Social worker and Abuse investigator knocked at my door. They came to inform me that I was being investigated for child abuse - specifically, shaking my newborn baby girl. I could tell by the accusations that the accuser was my stepson and his mother. I was iniatially in shock. I was scared to death that they would take my baby and our foster child from my home. But they assurred me that we appeared to be safe and no one was going to be removed right then. But, I had to clear my name and prove that my baby was safe - by taking her for an MRI, skeletal scan, and an indept physical. We also had to each be interviewed extensively. I was scared. I knew I had never, EVER, hurt my baby but I didn't know what was going to happen. I know of innocent people being accused. That baby was my world right then! I was scared of sedating her for the MRI and I got VERY pissed off at my stepson, his mother, and my husband (indirectly). After all, it was because of him - that these people were in my life and hurting my baby. (I not, not exactly appropriate or accurate but they were my feelings - and whether wrong or right, feelings are always true.)
After 3 weeks, and lots of self-restraint on my part (by not killing DHs exwife or son) I was cleared of all accusations. But the anger and bitterness had hardened my heart towards them still to this day. And actually, it has seemed to intensify over time.
The little boy who wanted to marry me tough position. He loves his son. He loves me (most of the time). He loves our daughter. And I personally think he still loves his ex-wife most of the time (this makes me jealous of her when he is nice to her - whether real or imaginary). I don't have to love him - and I have chosen not to because of his actions. I love my daughter and I want to make it very clear to everyone that they will not hurt her. My job is to protect her (even if I am protecting her from something that is no longer a threat). In my mind, the threat level against her is always red. She is so precious to me and I have wished for her for so long, that I can't imagine anything happening to her. I am overprotective - but she cannot defend herself yet. She is almost 2 years old now. She is happy and healthy and the biggest blessing in my life right now.
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Post by amandac on Sept 16, 2007 10:15:08 GMT -5
Well, we decided back in February that we would start planning our next pregnancy. We conceived our next baby this past April. I am currently 6 months pregnant and it is going well. We just found out we are having a boy and I am sooooooo excited. My husband said he wanted another girl - which makes me sad because I have turned that into him saying that he doesn't want a boy. Which isn't exaclty true.
My mother told me that my father didn't want me because I was a girl. When DH and I talked about having kids, he said he didn't want to have girls either. And now I'm havig a boy, when he wants to have a girl. It makes me feel like he doesn't want anything that I have to give him - especially after discovering his PA again.
Discovering his PA....
A little over a month ago, I was checking ebay and somehow ran across a recent searches area - where Porn was specifically typed in. I immediatley questioned why it was typed in there and saw all of the things he was looking at. DH said he was just looking. I asked him why he was looking. I said "are you curious? Looking for ideas? Or am I not enough for you?" He said he was just looking. It blew my mind!!!!
I mentioned it several times throughout the day. And I even asked him again if I just wasn't good enough. He said no, that's not it. I was just seeing what was there and looking.
It bothered me, but I wasn't exceptionally upset about it. We had looked at P together in the past, but it hasn't been recenlty or anything.
Well, the next week goes by, and I'm looking at [trigger]Craigslistin our local area for different things. I had never noticed before that they have an "exotic services" area of that page. [/trigger] I noticed that it had been clicked on and MANY of the pages had been viewed. Not by me, and not by our 2 year old or 3 year old. So I knew he had looked at it. I said "why has this been clicked on?" He again said "he was just looking." I went to several of the posts and saw what he was looking at. He looked at posts that had pictures and posts that were just ads withought pictures. They were all local people offering their sexual services or "alone time." I said, "I've seen enough." I put the computer down, took the baby with me to the bedroom and threw his pillow and a blanket out the bedroom door (see I was nice enough to give him a pillow and blanket.) I locked the bedroom door and DH was pissed off because he was "just looking." I decided I wanted to know more, so I came out and got the computer. I went through the internet history and temp files and say that he was looking at these ads often. He was looking at ads in other cities too. I cried a lot. I started worring about my pregnancy because of my stress level, but I knew the baby was fine. I wrote him an email to let him know that Chloe and I would be leaving as soon as our foster child moved out. He and I would take turns sleeping on the couch (he has trouble with his knees and feet, and our couch isn't comfortable - but it supports my pregnant body very well - so I didn't mind alternating). He was not to talk to me, look at me, or even think about having sex with me. I had worked out how we could share time with my daughter that I thought was fair. Split our possessions, and even decided how we would pay or taxes in that email. I had had enough. I didn't really think that he had met or had sex with any of these women, but I knew he was cheating on me. And I "know" why. I am pregnant and have some limitations in sex. I am fat (about 70 lbs more than when we met). I am not pretty enough. I am not good enough for him. I am 25, but I don't look like a beautiful 25 year old. I am tired from my pregnancy, Graduate school, student teaching, and working for a non-profit group out of my home. I am not keeping the house as clean as it should be. I am not worth him spending time with. I am not worth him looking at. I am not worth him touching. I am not perfect. I am not good enough. Its because of the baby. Its because of me. Its because of me.... me... me...
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Post by amandac on Sept 16, 2007 11:05:24 GMT -5
So, my DH being the good person that is his is, took the kids to church. I told him I was not going anywhere with him. He should not look at me or talk to me. He was at church pretending everything was okay to people we don't know and I was at home, crying my eyes out trying to figure out what to do.
My husband was still saying he hadn't done anything wrong. I was overreacting. It was my pregnancy and the hormones. He was trying to manipulate everything I said and never heard anything I said. He was trying to control me and my reactions to his betrayal. He was telling me and himself more lies.
While he was at church, I cried a lot because he was with my baby and I wasn't with them. Was this the way it was going to be? I decided to do some research. I found a website with lots of articles on PA and SA. I read each one and as I read them, I printed them off. I was beginning to understand that it wasn't about me. But, it is one thing to know intellectually and another to understand it emotionally.
I was also starting to develop my own plan for my husband to follow so that we could stay together and recover. When he got home, he was still pissed off at me, and I still acted angry towards him - even though I did understand a little. He started going off on me again - and he really still thought that he hadn't done anything wrong. He said, "I'm just looking at pictures. End of story." I said "no, it's not. Do you want to know what it is? This is what it is... I'll show you." I went to the printer, pulled out all of those articles, and pretty much threw them at him. THen I left him alone. I wanted to know what he was going to do.
The plan that I envisioned for him included:
1) reading those articles and writing reflections on each one. 2)installing porn blocker software 3)sharing his reflections with me 4)going to counseling (preferrably pastor) 5)finding an accountability partner 6)providing me with weekly updates on his progress 7)not EVER viewing P again (because this is a conscious choice)
I didn't tell him about my plan - because I wanted to know what he was going to do. He sat down that afternoon and instead of watching TV, he read those articles and made notes on them. He didn't share them with me, but I did read them when he went to bed. I needed to know where he was. He wrote me an email and told me his plan. He was going to finish the articles, go to pastoral counseling, find an accountability partner, and update me on his progress. He was also going to install accountability software (or told me I could). This seemed like a good start to me. I was on my way to recovery!!!
The one thing that bothered me is he didn't REALLY appologize. He said he understood that he hurt me and may has said he was sorry, but I haven't felt like he really, truly is sorry. He also told me how he thought it was related to his father - which to me seems like a copout or an excuse. I have read the articles, but still, this is an excuse. It takes the blame off of him for his own actions and places it on his father IMO. It seems ironic to me because he is trying to teach his son responsibility for his actions, but at the same time, he seems to be not accepting responsibility for HIS actions now.
I don't want to hear anymore about how his father is involved in his needing to look at other women. They may be indireclty related, but I can't listen to that right now.
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Post by amandac on Sept 16, 2007 19:48:24 GMT -5
Ok, so more of my story...
Well, DH made a great plan and I was impressed. He encouraged me to read on of the articles I printed out for him about how the SO if affected. I'd already read it, but I read it again for him and made notes for him. After I finished reading, I told him he could also read it and my notes so he would know exactly what I was thinking/feeling. He addressed each of my issues/ideas and seemed concerned about them. I let him touch me for the first time after that. In the article it mentioned that I would have to forgive my husband in order to move forward. I wrote down that I had already forgiven him and it was only by God's Grace - but I truly had. I felt at peace with it, but reminded him that we still had a long way to go. I wasn't going to leave - unless he did it again. I still didn't want to be intimate with him yet. He asked if he could come back to our bed and I let him.
THe next day was okay. I'd already told my friend at work that I may be a little more emotional than usual because of my husband and our weekend, and she was very supportive of me.
I think it was the next night, that I was able to look at him. [trigger]I wanted to have sex with him so bad (remember I'm pregnant and my sex drive is really high when I'm pregnant). I told him I wanted to have sex - but I would try not to cry through it this time, like I did a few years ago. But, I didn't even need to think about crying. I told him if he wasn't going to be there - in the moment with me - then we shouldn't even try. But, whether he fantisized or not, only he could tell you. But we were very intimate and actually kissed. We haven't kissed in a LONG time - and it was really nice. Everything was really nice.[/trigger]
So, even though I forgave him, I still wanted him to do what he said he would do. And, I'm sad to say that he didn't for the first 2 weeks. I know he was really busy at work, but what is MOST important? I began to feel like I never should have told him I forgave him.
Should I have waited?
Several weeks later, he has done a few of the things he said he would do, but not all of them. He has referred to me as "cold" on here and that really pisses me off. I have every right to be "distant" from him because he hasn't done everything he said he would do. And for an entire week didn't do ANYTHING to help me at home so that I could do what I have to do (school, work, rest during the pregnancy). He's sitting on his @$$ watching TV and playing on the computer. (I know this is another issue, but bad timing for me.)
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Post by amandac on Sept 16, 2007 20:08:40 GMT -5
Ok, so we had a fight yestday about him not doing anything he said he is going to do. Fights are fights... and it's over. Not resolved, but the arguing is over. It seems that H is being lazy or is intentionally trying to piss me off right now. But, that is just my persecption and I could be WAY off. He said I'm criticizing him so he won't do anything that I need him to do. Is that supposed to make me happy? Healthy? Forgive him more? I dont' remember being critical of him any more than normal But I also think he needs to do the things he needs to do at home (like watch our kids - so I can work or do my homework). But instead of watching our kids, he sits in front of the freaking TV AND plays on the computer. So I have to watch the kids, keep them out of my stuff, end up staying up until midnight or 1am just to get my 2 hours of work done. When he should just do what he is supposed to do so that I can work, study, and go to bed. My energy level has picked up a little (finaly) with this pregnancy, but I'm getting up for work 3 hours earlier than I used to. And I can't take a nap in the afternoon when I need to any more. Luckily I don't need them as often, but still. I'm loosing 15 hours of sleep already - so I need him to do what he should DO!!!
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Post by amandac on Sept 17, 2007 3:52:51 GMT -5
So here is another slap in the face....
On D-Day, I asked my husband if he MB to the P and he told me no. THat he just looks at it. But (as I stated previously) he has been posting on here and refers to himself as a PA who uses P and MB.
I know what those terms mean. I am not an idiot - but I do feel lied to - yet AGAIN!!!
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Post by amandac on Sept 17, 2007 4:38:11 GMT -5
ok... so it seems that I'm pissing off my husband by posting my journal here. It has been very good for me, but I don't need more stress from him. Perhaps the idea of co-existing here was a bad idea on my part - despite the benefits for me.
While I do find it difficult to read what my husband posts, I find it very insightful and it has made me feel more compassion for him. I assumed he would appreciate knowing my thoughts and feelings because I typically don't talk about them.
So, I just don't know. I just don't know...
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Post by Mayberry on Sept 17, 2007 5:55:24 GMT -5
I'm glad your journal has been good for you...mine is for me. May I suggest, amandac, that both you and your husband have a choice about whether you read each other's posts? My husband is on this board too, and we mostly choose not to read each other's posts. We particularly avoided reading each other's posts at the start of our time here (not that long ago). Other couples handle this differently: posting to different boards from each other, both posting here and reading each other's posts, etc. etc. I believe MAPA has a journal section too: p103.ezboard.com/bmothersagainstpornographyaddiction I read your journal last night, btw, and I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you find the support you need in your life right now. Can you safely say *why* your posting here in your journal is angering your husband? J
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Post by amandac on Sept 17, 2007 16:28:09 GMT -5
Mayberry,
It appears that my H is actually "hearing" what I am going through for the first time by reading my journal. He referred to reading my journal as "D-Day all over again for him." But I felt so much better!!!!
And it was never my intention, but he was offended when I described how I felt during our first post-cheating sexual encounter 3 years aog. I associated the sexual experience with my rape when I was 18 when I said "I cried through it just as I did when I was raped." I never meant to imply that he raped me or intended me harm during sex - but it was emotionally difficult - not to the extend of the rape, but still difficult.
I also think that my very presence here pisses him off. Perhaps because I am really telling it like it is for me and he doesn't want to here it. I'm exposing us and our relationship to the world - and most of what I have said isn't pretty.
Does that make sense? I'm not sure if that is really why - and he can answer for himself if he chooses?
I approached this journal - knowing he would eventually read it - as a way for him to truly know how/what I feel. (Because I could never say this stuff to him directly!)
I also wanted to share his journal and eventually envisioned this as "Our" journal and "our story"... but perhaps that is too lofty of a goal for now.
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Post by amandac on Sept 17, 2007 22:37:25 GMT -5
Well, I'm back. My H does want me to continue posting - and I'm so glad. Today was a much better day. I had a hard morning after reading his reaction to my journal, but I think he understands. We had a beautiful evening together with our daughter and even casually discussed the message board on our way home from dinner. Today, I am comfortable with him and he seems to be comfortable with me. We are not looking to avoid each other or tick it other off. It seems like we are being who we are - husband and wife, father and mother, not quite lovers yet, but interested in getting back there.
I believe that he hasn't cheated on me again. When will I stop worrying about this? Will there ever come a time? When will I stop checking his computer/email? I was still checking his email after the incident from 3 years ago - not regularly, but I did check in from time to time and I was searching for evidence of betrayal. I don't think he knew that (until now!). I'm sure that will probably tick him off, but apparently, my instincts were/are justifiable.
I guess I have come a long way in a fairly short time. I can look at my husband without thinking about his P use. I can enjoy myself and things that I love. [trigger]I can and do desire sex with him again.[/trigger] I want him to do well. I want him to want me unconditionally (which is selfish I guess).
But I'm also still blaming myself. I'm still demanding NO Porn. I'm still waiting for him to work his plan. I'm still waiting to see what he does. I'm still crying. I'm still tired. I'm still stressed out. I'm still hurt. I still wish he had never done this to me and us.
Does he even remember our vows? Does he know where to find them if he wants to know them?
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Post by amandac on Sept 20, 2007 11:18:54 GMT -5
I am borrowing this from Mayberry's Journal. I hope you don't mind Mayberry!! the "Cybersex Codependency Inventory" found in the "Family Dynamics" chapter. 1. I constantly think or obsess about my partner's cybersex behaviors and motives. YES. 2. I engage in self-destructive behaviors (physically, sexually, emotionally). YES. Emotionally - yes. Physically - some - I should go to bed earlier, eat more and healthier, etc. 3. I check my partner's e-mail accounts, computer files, disks, and the like for evidence of sexual material. YES. 4. I blame myself for all the problems related to my partner's sexual use of the Internet. YES - this is going to take a LONG time for me. 5. I believe that if I changed, my partner would stop acting out sexually on the Internet. YES - sadly... yes I know it's probably wrong. 6. I feel shame as a result of my behavior or my partner's behavior related to cybersex. YES 7. I feel anxiety as a result of my behavior or my partner's behavior related to cybersex. YES - because if he does it again... I've said I'm leaving. Me, our unborn baby, and our young daughter. That creates lots of anxiety - because now he has control over our lives and future. 8. I use my own sexuality as a way to manipulate my partner. I don't know - probably yes. 9. I feel numb to my own sexual needs and wants. NO - absolutely not. My sex drive is pretty high right now. 10. I accept my partner's norms as my own. NO - I don't think so. 11. I find myself doing sexual things I don't want to. YES - sometimes often. 12. I am overly sexual to satisfy my partner. Sometimes... YES. 13. I take responsibility for my partner's cybersex behaviors and their consequences. I'm still blaming myself... so I guess YES. 14. I keep secrets to protect my partner. YES. My not sharing this issue with others (except for 1 friend) is a way to protect my partner by keeping secrets. 15. I rarely feel intimate during sexual encounters with my partner. Most of the time... YES. This is largely due to the fact that I stopped kissing him a long time ago - I think. When we kiss, I feel very intimate with him. 16. I lie to cover up for my partner. NO. 17. I totally deny that there are any problems with cybersex. NO I feel there are problems. 18. I always seem to be in the middle of a crisis or problem. YES - right now, I'm stressed and somewhat dramatic. 19. I threaten to leave my partner, but never follow through. YES - this is because I never WANT to leave him. I love him. 20. I am giving up my own life goals, hobbies, and interests as a result of my partner's cybersex. NO... not yet. 21. I have changed my dress and appearance to accommodate my partner's wishes. Probably yes... but at almost 7 months pregnant - I wear whatever fits. 22. I believe I can eventually change my partner. I know the right answer is no, but ... 23. I play martyr, hero or victim roles. YES I think I have. 24. My life seems increasingly unmanageable. YES, this is the first time in my life when I have admitted to someone that I am not handling mylife well. 25. I go against my own morals, values, and beliefs. NO. 26. I deny my intuitions. YES I have. 27. I am feeling more and more unworthy as a person. YES. 28. I shut down sexually from my partner as a result of his or her use of cybersex. NO. 29. I am obsessed with learning more about cybersex through the media, the internet, and so on. YES, I spend way too many hours on here. 30. I am considering engaging in cybersex as a way to make my partner understand my feelings. YES. I have thought about this lately, but decided it would be the worst possible thing to do. 31. I have fantasies about getting revenge on my partner and his or her online friends. YES. 32. I am in competition with the computer for my partner's time and attention. YES. 33. I am irritable with others when I think about my partner's cybersex use. NO. 34. I neglect important areas of my life because of my partner's cybersex. YES. I would much rather be focusing on my pregnancy, scrapbooking, my studnet teaching, graduate school classes, foster kids, etc. 35. I am a cybersex codependent. NO?? I need to research this. (((I answered 26 of these as YES. I have lots of work to do. ))) The authors say a score of 18 or more indicates that you might be at risk for codependency issues.
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Post by Mayberry on Sept 20, 2007 12:10:11 GMT -5
I hope you found that exercise helpful and focusing, amandac. I know I did. For me, it helped me focus my energy on where I needed to work in my own healing. I'll look forward to walking with you on your journey. You're in my thoughts. Jinn
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