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h3h8m3
Sept 6, 2007 20:04:03 GMT -5
Post by collegeguy on Sept 6, 2007 20:04:03 GMT -5
Good thoughts, h3. I find for myself that my hardest devotional aspect is prayer. I am a go-getter type personality and stopping and praying is contrary to every urge that is in me. I will go for awhile and have great prayer times and then slack off. Thanks for your reminder of the importance of prayer.
- Bill
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h3h8m3
Sept 7, 2007 13:36:54 GMT -5
Post by h3h8m3 on Sept 7, 2007 13:36:54 GMT -5
This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word. (Isaiah 66:2)
Pride is such a huge stronghold in my life. I spent 15 years thinking, "If I could just knock off the porn, I'll be a great Chrisitan." Lo and behold, the Lord granted me repentance from my sexual impurity. And what do I discover?
I am one prideful man.
I want to be a man God esteems. I want to be humble, and contrite. I want to tremble at the Word of God. This is not a work I can accomplish on my own. I cannot WILL myself to humility. It must be a work of the holy spirit in my life. Yet another chance for God to show his unbelievable grace, and to be glorified through it.
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h3h8m3
Sept 9, 2007 2:09:40 GMT -5
Post by h3h8m3 on Sept 9, 2007 2:09:40 GMT -5
I just read this quote over in a different thread. It makes me so sad to see it. I understand the point of the poster, basically that we cannot sit in a relationship where we are being abused and treated poorly forever, for our own sake.
I understand the concept, and part of me agrees with it. But then i think...
When i stood up on that church platform and promised God and my wife that I would stay with her until death do us part, I really meant that. I meant it when I said, "In good times and in bad." "Sickness and in health." The two of us even knew that the sickness could well be spiritual sickness. That promise to stay with her forever had no condition to it. I did not say I would stay with her until/unless she cheated on me. I did not say I would stay with her until/unless she became a conniving heart breaking wench. I said I would stay with her through everything, until death parted us.
Then I think of all those women who have been beaten and sexually abused by their husbands. Women who could not defend themselves. Do I think those women should stay with their husbands? No, I don't think I do.
And throw into this mix the example of our God. There is absolutely no sin so bad that he would not forgive it. We've cheated on the Lord so many times, and he always accepts us back. We've hated, lied, and ignored him, and always he accepts us back when we return humbly.
Maybe healing in a marriage requires the same thing as healing in our relationship with our Lord. A confession of our sins, and a Godly sorrow as we drag our evil into the light. A repentance, a turning away, from our sins, as we learn how to act honorably and righteously.
I'm not exactly sure what I think about this. All I know is that I absolutely hate the idea that marriage love is anything but unconditional. Rather than calling is conditional love, how about calling it conditional staying with? The love needs to be a part of the decision, but isn't there a point where loving someone who is hurting himself and his wife means we get away from him? Isn't there a point where the best way to love a husband is to make him get out on his own and face what his life has become?
A lot of meandering thoughts in this post. I'm going to bed now.
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h3h8m3
Sept 9, 2007 3:07:13 GMT -5
Post by heyyoutoo on Sept 9, 2007 3:07:13 GMT -5
hey h3h8m3
that passage that you left analysing the man that was demon possessed and relating it to sexual sin was deep and very inspiring. i have read that passage many times but never thought about how jesus ha healed him and that with this sexual sin, i'm in need of jesus to heal me and remove my demon.
i wasn't sure whether i was going to go church today but i heard God whisper softly that i should but i still wasn't sure whether it was truly him (guess i was trying to deny it because i am very ashamed of the addiction). After reading the bible passage, i will definately be going.
i have started my own journal too, and need some encouragement, i will not run away from using this site if i fall, but i just wanted to say, that in writing your bible passages, you are not only helping yourself, others are definately blessed by it.
may God bless you
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h3h8m3
Sept 9, 2007 8:45:34 GMT -5
Post by t on Sept 9, 2007 8:45:34 GMT -5
h3h8m3, your relationship with God is inspiring...I have seen where many people "hide" behind God in various ways to "cover" their addiction...me included, at times...and I think it's ok to some extent, but God calls us to action, and I think your relationship reflects that, and it is inspiring to me...
I have often thought that yes, there is a demon in me that needs to be "cast out". A curious thing for me is that it seems as Christians that although Christ has and exercises that power when we call on him, and replaces that void with His Holy Spirit, the demon is waiting in the wings to repossess me at a moment's notice. And he is one p*ssed off being because he hates that we have accepted dependence on our Father, whom he hates...and he hates me too. I guess I'm saying that it seems like the Lord, when he casts out, doesn't always destroy the demon. Maybe it's because we need the struggle in our lives in order to become the kind of people that God wants us to be.
One thing I thought about regarding unconditional love...God does indeed forgive us time and time again, but God is perfect love...unfortunately we are human. If a person is cheated on time and time again, we lose the ability to trust the other person, which can destroy our ability to have true intimacy with that person. Jesus even addressed infidelity...which to me at the very least opens the door for someone to leave, although I'm sure that's not he wants, and his words shouldn't be an excuse to not try and salvage the relationship...but it is an acknowledgement of the difficulty of repairing that trust. God can fix anything if He so chooses, but sometimes He doesn't.
I just found something interesting. I looked up convenant in the dictionary and found this:
"the conditional promises made to humanity by God, as revealed in Scripture. "
Is not the marriage convenant conditional as well? I'm not at all trying to be authoritative on this...I'm a seeker of truth as well...
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h3h8m3
Sept 9, 2007 15:12:43 GMT -5
Post by h3h8m3 on Sept 9, 2007 15:12:43 GMT -5
heyyoutoo- Thank you for your post. I am so energized to hear that God spoke to you through that passage as well. That particular passage is what prompted me to open this journal. It his me like a ton of bricks. What kind of man I was. I am very excited to hear that the Lord moved you to attend church today. I'm starting to discover a lot more benefits from church. Clearly the sermon often speaks directly to me and what the Lord is trying to teach me, but the worship is just as important to me spiritually. God deserves nothing less than our best adoration, I need to be sure to do it more often. The praise time at church is a reminder for me. God bless you my friend. Keep your eyes on him and you can't see the sin.
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h3h8m3
Sept 9, 2007 15:34:22 GMT -5
Post by h3h8m3 on Sept 9, 2007 15:34:22 GMT -5
t-
Thank you for your kind words. It is difficult for me to accept the kind words because I see the depth of my sinfulness. I am not a good person. I am proud, selfish, lazy and greedy. I find myself in a continual struggle with these desires of the flesh.
Praise God though, he is working in me. His grace is sufficient for me. Today marks 2 months since I last drank from the filthy water of pornography. Since that day I have been drinking more and more from the Word. I'll tell you what, my life has never been better, my marriage has never been better, and most importantly, I have never know (or been known by) my Lord so well.
Regarding the demon being cast out of us, I agree that God does not always destroy the demon. Or maybe there's a million other demons just like the one he did cast out. Either way seems the same, he casts it out and a few days/weeks/months later our lives are worse than ever.
I believe that's because we aren't filling that empty spot with Jesus Christ. We are going to be SOMETHING, whether we like it or not. We are not an empty vessel for long. Jesus casts the demon out, and at that point we have the choice, do we fill up that spot with Word and water of Jesus Christ, or do we wait for the next wandering demon to take up residence in us?
Regarding (un)conditional love, a lot of what you say makes sense. When I felt called to post my view about marriage I did so in my journal because I did not want to seem like I was saying that I expect every one else to follow my thoughts.
But for me, i did not offer a "conditional promise." When I made vows to my wife they had no condition. None at all. I promised to love her and keep her until one of us dies. I will love my wife as best I know how until that day comes.
You're right that humans are not perfect as Christ is. But I am called to emulate him. I am called to "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matt 5:48. While I cannot expect to achieve perfection here on earth, I will come closest if I am focusing on being MORE like Christ, rather than making allowances for my human nature.
Once again, I am not posting this as my own definitative take on scripture for all people. I believe that the Lord speaks to each of us uniquely. I would not judge anyone if they believed the Lord called them to leave an unfaithful spouse. And I would also not judge someone if they decided to remain married to an unfaithful spouse. (In fact, I'm doing my best not to judge anyone at all... love not judge, right?)
I simply allow no room for myself to ever stop loving my wife. My love for her is not conditional. In the marriage relationship the man is called to be like Christ to his wife (just as the wife is called to be like the church to her husband). If I'm supposed to be Christ in this relationship, i suppose that means forgive and love above all else.
Rambling and long? I suppose so, but it's my journal, I get to ramble. ;D
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h3h8m3
Sept 9, 2007 16:12:18 GMT -5
Post by t on Sept 9, 2007 16:12:18 GMT -5
Thanks for the inspiring passage in my journal.
I admire your position...and I congratulate you on your sobriety! I am looking forward to that amount, and more for both of us with the grace of God.
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h3h8m3
Sept 9, 2007 16:27:00 GMT -5
Post by heyyoutoo on Sept 9, 2007 16:27:00 GMT -5
thank you for your encouragement, it is much appreciated. church was such a blessing today and you're partly responsible for that. if i had not read your journal entry and that bible passage you shared, i probably wouldn't have obeyed God voice and hence would have missed out on his word.
today, i was reminded that nothing i do could ever separate me from Gods love, that it's not about the law but about grace. that just as how, when jesus needed to feed the 5 thousand, the boy came and gave him his lunch and that was enough for jesus to use, that if i be willing (regardless of my imperfections and sin), jesus will use me and my willingness will be enough.
it was so encouraging, and as i was feeling really bad this morning, hearing a message of grace, about how no matter what god still loves me was so empowering and hopeful.
so i just want to say thank you. and also to remind you, no matter how difficult it is or it gets, turn to God continuously and he will strengthen you. mathews 11:28-30 summerises for you whenever things get difficult.
god bless
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h3h8m3
Sept 9, 2007 17:42:29 GMT -5
Post by amaninfull on Sept 9, 2007 17:42:29 GMT -5
Hello, sir,
Having recently read a post of yours in another thread, I remembered how closely our situations paralleled each other. You quit in July by googling "sex addiction," and are expecting a child...perhaps something else as well.
You must be close to the due date now. I hope everything is, and continues to be, wonderful for you and your wife.
AMIF
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h3h8m3
Sept 9, 2007 21:23:22 GMT -5
Post by h3h8m3 on Sept 9, 2007 21:23:22 GMT -5
today, i was reminded that nothing i do could ever separate me from Gods love, that it's not about the law but about grace. that just as how, when jesus needed to feed the 5 thousand, the boy came and gave him his lunch and that was enough for jesus to use, that if i be willing (regardless of my imperfections and sin), jesus will use me and my willingness will be enough. What a great reminder. Oftentimes I feel like I've showed up at a party of 5000 with a loaf of bread and a fish (and I don't even like fish!) and I'm supposed to be feeding them. Standing at the base of Mt Porn, I felt like a casual hiker who decided to make a real quick jaunt up K2. But the Lord's grace has been sufficient. Anyway, your comment about the boy with the fish and the loaves hit me squarely. He brought all he had, and God made it enough. Amen
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h3h8m3
Sept 9, 2007 21:26:45 GMT -5
Post by h3h8m3 on Sept 9, 2007 21:26:45 GMT -5
Hello, sir, Having recently read a post of yours in another thread, I remembered how closely our situations paralleled each other. You quit in July by googling "sex addiction," and are expecting a child...perhaps something else as well. You must be close to the due date now. I hope everything is, and continues to be, wonderful for you and your wife. AMIF Hello my friend. Only a few weeks away! The kid is due October 6th. I am so excited that I will have been free from sexual impurity for three months when he arrives. It's the best birthday present I could think of for him. As silly as this might sound, just thinking about being able to give my son a father who is sexually pure is bringing tears to my eyes. It means the world to me, honestly. I said previously that being free from pornography had been my greatest wish for so long... and my wish has come true. Sometimes it just hits me powerfully. I tried for so long, and it hurt so much. God's grace is great indeed. I believe the other thing we had in common is that I am also from Northern California. I was born and raised on the Peninsula, but I live out in Denver now. When if your child due? A bit later in October, right? God bless.
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h3h8m3
Sept 10, 2007 19:29:04 GMT -5
Post by amaninfull on Sept 10, 2007 19:29:04 GMT -5
That's right. I moved to Sonoma County two years ago, having lived in the N.Oakland/Berkeley area for 20 years before that.
I think that's wonderful, h - three months is a sort of "magic number" (some say 100 days) when it comes to breaking addictions. That's the point, apparently, when those formerly well-worn neural pathways will have pretty much smoothed over. While we'll need to be vigilant our whole lives, by the time three months have passed, the triggers hold much less power. This is the lore I've heard, and apparently it's backed up by studies of some sort.
It will have been about three months for me, too, when my baby is born - it's due about 10 days after yours, and I've been off porn since July 22. I feel absolutely great that I can go into this without those rotten feelings of guilt and deception that I carried with me before.
Keep the faith, my man.
AMIF
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h3h8m3
Sept 11, 2007 14:04:07 GMT -5
Post by h3h8m3 on Sept 11, 2007 14:04:07 GMT -5
I am not who I was. That's a powerful statement. I am not defined by what I used to be, nor what I used to do. I am not a pornography addict. I am a man who is still dealing with the consequences for his sin, but I am not committing those sins anymore. I am a new creation. I am no longer under the power of sin. That doesn't mean I will never sin again, nor that I will never be tempted to sin. It means that sin does not control me anymore. My new, redeemed, nature is to resist temptation. To find purity. This is not arrogence, my friends. For I realize that these changes in my life are not my own doing. It is the very real grace of God that has transformed me. For 15 years I tried on my own power to leave behind pornography and all kinds of sexual impurity. It was not until the Lord stepped in that I was able to find freedom. I am not shirking responsibility for what I have done. I am going to have to deal with the repurcusions of my sin in my marriage for the rest of my life. I am going to have to be ever vigilant, for the devil is looking to lure me back into the chains of pornography. But I am free indeed. Just like a freed slave in the south would not walk back into the chains of his previous master, I will not walk back into the vileness that enslaved me for all those years. God I praise you for what you've done in my life. I didn't deserve a bit of it, and that's why you're able to be glorified through it. Teach me how to glorify you better each and every day. Friends, if you're still held captive to the bonds of pornography, run to the Lord. Run to the Lord and beg him for the grace to repent from your sins. Do it not for yourself, not for your wife, not for any earthly reason, do it because it is through your redemption that the Lord can be glorified. www.settingcaptivesfree.com
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h3h8m3
Sept 16, 2007 1:12:13 GMT -5
Post by h3h8m3 on Sept 16, 2007 1:12:13 GMT -5
Today I completed day 60 of the Way of Purity course at SCF. I am joyful to know that I have been equipped with the tools to remain sexually pure.
I'm not fooling myself though. Being equipped with the right tools does not mean it's going to be a piece of cake. In fact, if it's anything like my home improvement experiences, it's going to be very difficult. Tools mean work. Tools mean it's possible for me to succeed, but that there is still something on my part.
I want to go through the basic tools of my sexual purity here.
1. Knowing my priority. The only acceptable reason for me to do ANYTHING is to glorify my God. I can glorify him by looking to him instead of to porn. I can glorify him by allowing his grace to transform me, rather than ignoring it. All of the other nice reasons to quit porn (guilt, better marriage, embarrasment), which used to be the reasons for my quitting, need to be set aside so I can accomplish the only important one.
2. Removal of the tools of my sin. I cannot allow myself access to the vehicles by which I sinned in the past. That means no computer in a private area. No access to late night television. No TV use in hotels on business trips. These are all things that led me to a path of slavery to sin, and in a moment of weakness could lead me back there. I will not allow myself access to these things anymore.
3. Keeping my eyes focused on Christ. I am completely unable to look at pornography when my eyes are glued on my savior. I cannot walk down the road toward sexual impurity when I am walking toward him. My problem will come when I decide I can look somewhere "harmless" other than Christ. I must realize that at all times I am susceptable to the temptations of the flesh.
4. Daily drink from the Word of God. There is a part of me that desires connection. Ideally that connection would be first and foremost to Jesus. By keeping in his word daily and spending time in prayer throughout the day I can keep that part of me satisfied with his holy Word. But when I start to lose diligence, when I start to think I'm too "busy" to spend time in the word, I am going to find that part of me getting thirsty. The easiest and fastest (and worst!) way to connect is through pornography. But keeping in the Word in a real meaningful way each day, I will reduce my desire for the poison of pornography.
5. Find humility. So many times my pride leads me into sin. I feel like I'm powerful enough to handle "just a little peek" or that "surely i've conquered this by now, let's check." My pride can be my downfall. I must bring myself to God daily and ask him for the grace of humility. Only by maintaining a right perspective on both God and myself can I have a true valuable humility.
6. Life long vigilance. The only way to win this war is one day at a time. One hour at a time, and one minute at a time. This is not a decision I can make once and for all. I am not going to wake up a month from now and be in the clear. For the rest of my life I will make a moment by moment decision to honor my God, honor my wife, and honor my family.
There is a lot more to this than what I have written. I am going to be challenged in new and diverse ways in the coming days, weeks and months. But the Lord has been gracious to me. I have been freed from pornography, and whoever the son sets free is free indeed.
My verse through all of this: Job 33:27-29 "I sinned and perverted what was right, but I did not get what I deserved. He has redeemed my soul from going down into the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light."
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