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Post by sawyer on Jun 18, 2007 22:16:36 GMT -5
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Post by lemontea74 on Jun 21, 2007 14:36:42 GMT -5
Yo Dude,
Thanks for the message. Sorry I haven't been around much lately. I have been absolutely swamped in work plus I've been having internet connection problems. I am sorry to hear about your slip, try not to beat yourself up about it too much, if its any consolation I had a slip myself this week. When I got my internet connection to work I binged awfully. Feeling pretty bad about it, but taking some comfort from the fact that I'm on the road to recovery and I haven't been doing it day in, day out.
Take care Yankee
Lemontea
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Post by JohnG on Jun 21, 2007 15:37:34 GMT -5
Sawyer how are you doing? Please check in with us.
JohnG
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Post by sawyer on Jun 21, 2007 21:01:21 GMT -5
Actually JohnG, I have been a little worried about you and lemon for a day or two. (And am glad Focused is still plodding along).
I feel a journal entry forming in my head slowly over the past few days and will write soon. But the past few days I really am stuck between a rock and a hard place - I don't like what I see in the mirror as I work these steps (even if only at Step 3) and want to run away and give up. But seeing what is in the mirror makes it almost impossible to tear away and leave. If that makes sense.
The past day or two has been spent lamenting in confusion, self doubt, and wondering if I really want to continue with this as it is getting so tough.
Tension with my wife is mounting, and my self confidence on if I can do this, and I mean *really do this* is fading.
In a complete act of total confusion, I just said the Serenity Prayer and the "Prayer of Thomas Merton". Don't know if it will help, but at least I was reaching for God.
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Jun 22, 2007 22:36:32 GMT -5
Hey Sawyer-
I enjoyed reading your "other side of purgatory" letter in your other journal you linked to... it all sounded very familiar! You mentioned in the end that you feel like you've got a long way to go and I'm not sure that is the case. From the little I've gotten to know by reading your journals, you're serious about stopping his thing and have made some progress. I'm only a couple months free of looking at P and am already seeing some of the increased intimacy, lack of white-knuckling (most of the time), there's been no hiding, no fear etc and it is pretty darn nice. I happened to find the right combo quickly after finding this forum (this forum being the missing link for me) and was able to FINALLY break free. Keep your letter handy so that is what you pull up next time you have an urge- it has some power and good positive energy!
Pura Vida, Focused
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Post by lemontea74 on Jun 23, 2007 12:31:58 GMT -5
Hey dude,
Thanks for stopping by my journal..........even if it was only to make fun of my accent. The cheek of ya!!!!! ;D
I read in your journal that you wanted to become a deacon for the catholic church. I am a catholic but I let that candle burn out long ago, but when I got divorced I had to go back to the church and get the priest to give me a duplicate marriage certificate, and he was fantastic. He remembered me from years back, and he did not judge me but just offered an olive branch and I will never forget that. You have always offered me support and free advice and whether you have a porn addiction or not I think you will be a valuable life line and trusted member of your diocese.
Oh and by the way centre is spelled "re" not some funky modern yankee "er" way. Learn to speak proper England!!!! ;D
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Post by sawyer on Jun 27, 2007 22:57:25 GMT -5
Focused and Lemontea made me do this Actually, I have been thinking about posting this a while and will do so here isntead of my true Sawyers Walk Journal. The lyric's really hit home for me and I still play this song to stay motivated or remember why I am continuing. I am providing a link to the YouTube video. I suggest playing the video and minimizing so you hear only the lyrics without the video influencing imagination. Because the artists took a completely different route in the video than I would have thought. Video Here - youtube.com/watch?v=8sgycukafqQ"What I've Done" - Linkin ParkIn this farewell There’s no blood There’s no alibi ‘Cause I’ve drawn regret From the truth Of a thousand lies [Pre-Chorus] So let mercy come And wash away What I’ve done [Chorus] I’ve faced myself To cross out what I’ve become Erase myself And let go of what I’ve done Put to rest What you thought of me Well I cleaned this slate With the hands Of uncertainty[Pre-Chorus] So let mercy come And wash away What I’ve done [Chorus] I’ve faced myself To cross out what I’ve become Erase myself And let go of what I’ve done For what I’ve done I’ll start again And whatever pain may come Today this ends I’m forgiving what I’ve done [Chorus] I’ve faced myself To cross out what I’ve become Erase myself And let go of what I’ve done What I’ve done Forgiving what I’ve done
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Post by sawyer on Jun 27, 2007 23:01:15 GMT -5
06/27/07 - Update - True self doubt on if I want to continue.
- Anger.
- Control, and wrestling with the 3rd Step.
- Fear that the next two weeks will overwhelm me.
- Misc Post on this thread only, entry above this one.
Sawyer's Walk has been updated - sawyerswalk.livejournal.com
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jack
Junior Member
Posts: 96
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Post by jack on Jun 28, 2007 15:23:21 GMT -5
Sawyer,
I appreciate the incouraging word.
Jack
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jack
Junior Member
Posts: 96
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Post by jack on Jun 28, 2007 16:03:09 GMT -5
Sawyer,
That was kind of selfish of me so let me start again. I appreciate the incouragement and I would like to extend the same to you. I read some of your recent journal entries and it sounds like your resolve is being tested. This is really a sucky situation that we have gotten ourselves in and difficult at times to surmise the forest for the trees. The forest being Gods intention the trees all the distractions we are challenged to look past. WHOO check out that pine tree in the string bikini.
We have to look at our lives realisticly recognising that we are on a time line and for a while now we have been stalled in a circular motion with this compulsiveness but the line is still there and time is still moving. The line is our potential toward God. Lets move along it even if it requires a constant righting and rerighting of our course. There really is know giving up any way. God wont let us. There will always be a pressing and a proding a subtle guiding of his sheep. It will be apparent when we look back on our lives. Take care dude and stay the course.
Jack
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Focused
Full Member
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it- Goethe
Posts: 149
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Post by Focused on Jun 29, 2007 18:28:29 GMT -5
Hey Sawyer-
Sounds like you've got your hands full for the next couple weeks- try to have a bit of fun with the sheer madness of it all... sounds like there may be enough to keep you busy that you won't have enough time for temptation!
I liked your song- especially:
For what I’ve done I’ll start again And whatever pain may come Today this ends I’m forgiving what I’ve done
You mentioned something in your other journal about the possibility of being a coward... I'm sure this was just said in frustration but let me be the first to say that you of all people, who have taken huge steps (going to your SA meetings, counseling, etc) that have taken some big cahones (bigger than any coward I know would have taken).
Hang in there through this bit of madness coming up. Try to get some time to yourself to have some quiet time.... I don't know if you've tried meditation in the past but it sounds like it may be helpful to quiet all the flood of thoughts that seem to overwhelm you sometimes (it has done wonders for me when I take the time to do it and can go into more detail if you'd like)... it tends to help me live in the moment and not to get overwhelmed by the many things that get thrown my way and I'm going through one of those times now.
Keep the faith my friend; whether you do it for yourself, your kid, your wife or just b/c it's the right thing to do... just keep on doing it. I can just speak for myself but when I look at where I am now vs when I was looking at P for hours at at time, there is just no way to go back to that crap. Sometimes I try to look into the future at who I am, or want to be, and what my kids have gotten out of our relationship... sometimes this helps me put things into perspective a bit.
Thanks for all the ecouragement you've given me over these last couple months - here's a bit back-atcha.
Pura Vida- Focused
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Post by sawyer on Jul 2, 2007 15:01:47 GMT -5
07/02/07 - Update - 16 Day's into Sobriety and God brings THIS next door?!? For (expletive)s sake!
This entry was to get out of my own head and get out an accomplishment I have seen and a possible fruit of sobriety. However, there is what could be considered a mild trigger. Mild, but there all the less. If you are very fresh to sobriety, or are unsure - don't read it. I almost didn't post here, but I didn't want to leave those who follow my journal and support me in the dark and wanted to make them aware to skip the entry if they need to. With that said: Sawyer's Walk has been updated - sawyerswalk.livejournal.com
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Post by sawyer on Jul 2, 2007 22:43:45 GMT -5
07/02/07 - Update I am mentally and emotionally spent. A lot of pent up crap came flowing out in the journal today. I already updated once, I just wrote two more back to back. I think I just took another step. I feel empty in my chest, but I think this is a good thing. A clean start. But I am an addict, what the hell do I know. I need sleep, will contemplate this more tomorrow. - Letter to God. Turning my recovery over and letting it go.
- Prayer for my wife.
Sawyer's Walk has been updated - sawyerswalk.livejournal.com
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Post by MrOuch on Jul 4, 2007 0:09:57 GMT -5
Sawyer,
What a great journal. I've been wrestling with some of the same issues as you have with your new neighbor. It's not an easy puzzle to solve. How much of a glance connotes gentle attentiveness and when does it cross over into general lustfulness? I can't decide for myself so I just try to avoid the temptation by not looking at all.
Keep up the good work. It sounds like you're really committed to your recovery.
Peace
PS. Whoo HOo. You're my 300th post.
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Post by sawyer on Jul 10, 2007 22:29:47 GMT -5
07/10/07 - Update - "Kicking the Bogeyman in the nuts" (Otherwise known as finally understanding the Fourth Step).
Sawyer's Walk has been updated - sawyerswalk.livejournal.com
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