Rabbet tracks

[Mayberry]

It sounds like you're coming up on seven weeks sober. Congratulations! I was glad to see you found a therapist and I hope that works well for you. My husband has found a therapist, and I'm looking forward to seeing how it works for him. I have continued to keep you in my thoughts and prayers; I had quite the battle with depression in my early life, and still have to be very careful in how I live my days to avoid falling into depression again. I wish you the best.

[rabbet]

Seven weeks, it is. It's nothing short of bizarre (to me) how I've moved away from the life-long cycle of P and MB. I know in my heart that I could "slip" at any moment, but I'm remaining vigilant.

Slip. That's a term I'm having some real trouble coming to terms with. I can't help but think of a slip as being something accidental, like "Someone left oil on the floor and I slipped on it, fell, and broke my collarbone!" That would be a slip.

To choose to deviate from recovery, get online, seek out P, and then MB looks like something completely different to me.

My wife just arrived home. More later...

[rabbet]

Seven weeks, continued...

And it's nothing short of crushing how little effect my accomplishments have had on my personal situation. This morning, I feel like I've spent seven weeks running uphill in buckshot sand. Flailing madly, legs pumping furiously, the "ground" passing swiftly beneath my feet. Then I pause to catch my breath and look around to realize that I've actually gone nowhere.

I don't know HOW to talk to my wife. Every single time I open my mouth whatever I'm trying to say comes out wrong. This drives me to silence and I can't figure out how to break free of it. This is why I don't sit around hitting myself in the knee with a claw hammer. It (expletive)ing hurts every single time I do it!

It seems that every bad, dark, distasteful, ugly thing I've ever felt or even suspected about myself is now being supported, vindicated, and proven. It's kinda funny though, in retrospect, how clueless I was as to how bad a shape I'm really in.

I haven't engaged in P or MB for over seven weeks. I've been reading almost constantly about the addiction during that time. I've contacted a therapist and am scheduled for the first visit this coming Wednesday. I've spent more hours than I ever wanted to looking into the abyss that is myself and have grown completely, utterly, and finally sickened by what I see.

In seven weeks I've come to despise myself with a fervor I couldn't have even imagined two months ago. I've reached a point where I'm convinced I don't deserve the option of suicide, and there's a strange euphoria in that realization and I don't really know what to make of it.

My wife just came home after spending the night at the neighbor's and wow, I wouldn't have expected to experience a full blown panic attack this early in the morning!!! I guess this'll do for now...

[LookingUp]

Congratulations on:

(1) SEVEN weeks sober - that's marvelous
(2) learning to post with more openness and self-disclosure - that's terrific.

Although I think it's normal to be a bit down on ourselves when we get sober and we don't have the chemicals to numb our inner truth - please remember to take a little time daily to see yourself as God sees you. Think of the wonderful things David said of himself and how God viewed him .... even after David had an affair with a married woman and killed her husband!!! And God said David was a man after God's own heart!

Here's a confession I often read or pray over myself "My Confession Concerning Who I Am in Christ" (half way down this page) - www.cwgministries.org/What-was-crucified-with-Christ.htm

LookingUp

[Mayberry]

It seems that every bad, dark, distasteful, ugly thing I've ever felt or even suspected about myself is now being supported, vindicated, and proven. It's kinda funny though, in retrospect, how clueless I was as to how bad a shape I'm really in.

Rabbet: Wow. That's a hard place.

Reaction #1: Aren't you glad you've gotten THAT over with? Now that you know just how rotten you are, perhaps you can move forward? (And yes, I'm *trying* to communicate that with some good humor.)

Reaction #2: Might it be helpful for you to--while not IGNORING the fact that you've got "stuff" to deal with that's not pretty--go looking for some of the GOOD stuff about yourself now and focus on nurturing and growing that GOOD stuff even as you deal with the demons? I've found that it gets awfully easy to "get lost" staring at the awful things we find in life (whether in ourselves or in others or just "out there."). And, in the staring (and I speak only for myself), I often forget to 1) deal with what I'm staring at, and 2) live.

I used to use the "dog crap" anology. So, you're walking along and there's a huge pile of dog crap. Let's say the crap represents the fall-out from a problem you've got in yourself. You've got options. You can stare, fascinated, at the crap and put your hands in it and play with it and weigh it and describe it in all its crap-ness, often getting 1) lost in the process of "understanding" just how vile the crap is and 2) immersing yourself in reaction to "look how awful this is!!!!". Right?

You can try to step around it and move on (and you will likely just encounter some more dog crap). This keeps you moving on in life, which is good, but--if the crap is just a symptom of the problem--you're gonna have to keep avoiding the piles and, chances are, many days you won't be paying attention and you'll step in some of the crap and feel bad that you did.

Or, you can equip yourself with tools for dealing with disposing of the crap in the most effective, quick, sanitary way as you find it, walking with vigilence to keep from "accidentally" landing in it, and also go looking for the dog that's producing the crap and get it out of the way too so you can stop worrying about every step you take landing you, inadvertently, in the crap.

It's not a particularly elegant analogy, but it has its uses for me. Don't know if you'll find that helpful or not. I am holding you in my prayers.

[rabbet]

It's so very hard to see one's own good when bearing the crushing burden of "bad" and the smothering remorse that goes along with the realization and awareness of it. It seems that all I do anymore is either cry or drift along in this facade of "everything's going to be okay" that I'm not sure I really buy into.

That's the problem with the facade. I have to put on some kind of "face" because I can't stay home all day and just cry. What hurts so badly is when the "face" finally runs out and I just break down into uncontrollable sobs. Fortunately, that only seems to happen about twice a day, most days.

Last night my wife was reading to me in bed when it happened. I don't know exactly what happened or what triggered it but I was just completely overwhelmed by despair and it was so heavy that I wanted to die to escape it and the remorse I felt for what I've put her through was more than I can even begin to describe. I tried and tried to stop the tears but I think I finally fell asleep racked with sobs.

What a mess.

I pay my first visit to a therapist tomorrow. If she does nothing it will probably still be a step up from what I've been doing.

[LookingUp]

Glad your counseling is starting tomorrow. Glad you see that as a positive.

Congratulations on your continued sobriety.

[Mayberry]

Good luck with the first appointment. I firmly believe, from what you've written here & elsewhere, that you *will* (or already are) starting to grow a "new face"...and that it will be your honest face, your healthy face, your comfortable face. And, perhaps, as you're just starting that tearing down of the old, it might not be a huge surprise that you've not yet found or grown a "new face" and therefore feel more than a bit at sea? I am sorry you are uncomfortable; and I hope that discomfort provides great help for you in moving toward a new and more honestly comfortable place!

You might find this link interesting: lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?board=addicts&action=display&thread=1187813783#1188236989

I think you may find some hope in what Curious Voyager wrote there? I hope so. More importantly, I hope you find whatever hope you need to heal, and I believe that you will, as long as you are engaged in the process of wanting to be healed--an active participant, if you will, in your own healing. Hold fast! I look forward to following your journey down this new avenue. J

[rabbet]

I finally got to meet with a therapist this afternoon and it was a very satisfying experience. I felt mostly relaxed talking to her and she seemed to be able to ask the right questions and gently guide me along in my dissertation of who I was and exactly what I was doing in her office.

While today has been something of a general downer (details later, perhaps?) it seems to have had a strong finish. After I left work I decided to do just about exactly what I wanted to do. I took care of some business at the post office, then went shopping for some new waterfowling gear (didn't buy, just lusted for), and then bought the biggest iced coffee Starbucks sells and drank it down with zero remorse. I went for my initial visit with the new therapist and that turned out very well. At least that's my opinion at this early stage of the process. After that, I went to a service at church and while I didn't really jump into the middle of things, just drifted around the periphery and seemed to get exactly what I needed out of it.

It was something of a relief to hear my therapist keep saying "Well, it appears we won't have to work through 'X' or 'Y'" or "It seems that you've been doing a lot of research!" and stuff like that. She explained how easy it was to obtain sobriety but so difficult to engage in recovery, and explained the difference in the two so that it made sense to me, which I'd think that ability would be one of the hallmarks of a great therapist (that is, a therapist who was well suited to me personally).

I've got lots of reading to do (material that she provided and some additional stuff she recommended) so I'll be moving along. Updates as they become available...

[whoami]

I am glad to hear of the strong finish to this day, despite other downers. It is great to hear you and your therapist are heading in positive directions. You , your wife and family are in my prayers. Do well, be well!

[LookingUp]

Congratulations on going to your first appointment. I'm glad you feel it's a good "fit" with your counselor. Looking forward to your updates as you're ready to post. You sound very positive - like there was a smile on your face when you were typing.

[Mayberry]

How's it going for you, rabbet? I saw you logged in yesterday, and meant to send a hello to you. How's the therapy? How's the sobriety?

[rabbet]

Therapy hurts.

Therapy seems to be mostly about alternating between bouts of crying and fits of rage. The bouts of crying seem to be more prevalent than the fits of rage, thankfully, but that may be due to my advanced years.

Sadly, I'm experiencing this while still in the evaluation stages. I'm guessing it gets quite a bit rougher before it gets any better. On the plus side, I'm really starting to see the mechanics of how I ended up being who I am. Many of the things I do, both good and bad, grew out of seeds that were planted when I was just a very small child. That's not something I've really seriously considered before, thinking instead that everything I am is a direct result of a conscious decision made by myself as a discerning adult. That may not be entirely accurate...

All in all, I'm holding up okay. It's still a nearly constant fight to avoid the mental imagery and "the voice". I never suspected this was going to be easy, but I'm not sure I thought it would continue being this hard, either.

Thanks for checking in, guys. I appreciate your comments and your dropping by to say hey.

[rabbet]

So after sleeping on my last posting, I've awakened with this paradox on my mind:

As an addict, I MUST take responsibility for my actions and that I CHOSE to be where I'm standing today. At the same time, I'm being inundated by information explaining how who I am today is a direct result of stimuli encountered at an early age, most of it laid upon me by other people.

Is it one or the other? Is this another gray area that has to be sorted through and realized by each individual?

Not only does this process hurt a great deal, but it's confusing as all hell.

[Mayberry]

I've enjoyed reading your recent posts.

May I offer a suggestion for reading: "Adult Children of Abusive Parents" (Steven Farmer). You mentioned things your therapist is giving you to read...has your therapist given you anything that's been helpful?

The way I have heard your question: I must take responsibility for my actions; at the same time I'm learning that much of how/who I am is because of reaction in childhood to "stimuli." I wonder if those stimuli were physically, sexually or emotionally abusive?

If they were...this idea might help you.

When we're abused as children, we form coping mechanisms to keep us sane and/or alive. We find ways to survive the abuse.

From Farmer's book, "To live through the abuse, you had to die emotionally and spiritually. Your survival decision--not death, but life--was made perhaps once, perhaps several times in the course of your childhood. This choice exacted a cost. Every time you chose to stay alive, you paid with the repression of part or all of your feelings associated with the abuse. You may have even repressed memories of the abuse....Unfortunately, when you repressed the emotions related to the abuse, you repressed all of your emotions. You went on living, but you died emotionally. Your spirit withered deep into the recesses of your being...As you grew into adulthood, the (emotional) repression from childhood...remained."

You mentioned that therapy hurts. I think (from my experience) this is natural. The "Hurting Child" (as Farmer puts it: "The abused, traumatized, deprived part of your inner child"), was buried a long time ago. The feelings that hurting child had (anger, shame, embarrassment, fear) have been buried for a long time. Therapy (again, in my experience), unburies the hurting child. For the first time in years, many of us have to re-live some of the experiences of the hurt that we chose not to feel (in order to stay sane/alive) as kids. If you are now safe from the abuse, however, it should be safe to feel those things, grieve those things and move on to healthier ways of being.

Farmer: "These roles were once a blessing that helped you survive your childhood. Now, as an adult, you find they have become a burden."

In my own experience, as someone who survived abuse, what I found was that I had to feel and grieve the childhood harm and then find new ways of responding that allowed me to be in healthy relationship with people who weren't abusing me. Also, I had to find new things to feel good about...many of my childhood "feel goods" were secretive, and were at direct odds with having a loving or a heathly relationship with others. For me, that was the border between "what was done to me" and "what I continued to do to harm myself that was no longer necessary to do." In other words, it's my feeling that we act certain ways to survive abuse, but once we're free of the abuse, we need to examine how we act and change the coping mechanisms that are harmful to us and to our ability to feel and relate healthily with non-abusive people.

I suspect your therapist will help you with this. There's also reading and exercises you can do to help yourself.

You didn't mention if you were still sober...I hope that you are. I mention it here because I think it's easier (maybe necessary) to do the work of emotional recovery when you are not actively harming yourself with addictive behaviors. I've worked a lot with people in drug and alcohol addiction....and I've seen people relapse when they start to try to wrestle with all those painful feelings from childhood (hey, it HURTS! self-medication is what we know how to do!). I hope you will stay sober and move forward: this pain will pass if you do the work of recovery. Not only will the pain pass, but you will feel HONESTLY better about yourself. Retreating to self-medicating ways (drugs, alcohol, MB) will not help you feel sustainably better about oneself, of course, and it will impair the progress of the work one is doing.

If this is helpful to you, great. If not, please feel free to ignore. It is, of course, your recovery, and I wish you the very best as you do this work in your life.