rabbet
Junior Member
Posts: 56
|
Post by rabbet on Aug 6, 2007 4:23:30 GMT -5
It's very late in the morning for me and I really need to be getting ready for work, but I felt the need to post this morning. I haven't been living up to my goal of posting at least once a day, mainly because I haven't found anything of note to post.
I've been working on writing an article of disclosure to my wife and in that writing have began to uncover personality flaws/quirks/whatever running all the way back to before I even started grade school. It's really quite disconcerting to see all of this put down in a chronological format and being able to watch one's own gradual descent into Hell. More to follow as this situation unfolds...
At any rate, I'm coming up on five weeks sober and holding fast.
|
|
|
Post by LookingUp on Aug 6, 2007 12:19:46 GMT -5
Congratulations on your 5 weeks sober! That's terrific news. Is the physical/chemical withdrawal stages over with?
Glad you're working on an article for your wife - glad it's opening yourself to you. Recognizing our growth opportunities helps us know which direction to grow!
LookingUp
|
|
rabbet
Junior Member
Posts: 56
|
Post by rabbet on Aug 7, 2007 4:24:03 GMT -5
Actually, the physical/chemical withdrawal stage seems to be in full swing. While I seem to have a fairly good level of control over this (okay, a workable level of control, how's that? : while I'm awake, sleeping is a whole different story. There's not so much control over what the mind engages in when it's kicked into neutral like that. Most evenings end up being prolonged exercises in frustration that end with me cheerfully getting out of bed in the absurdly wee hours of the morning. Meditation seems to help some, but I've lost a great deal of the meditative focus I once had. I'll keep working on recovering some of that. Fortunately, I've found a number of ways to keep my mind occupied when alone in the house and have been managing to avoid the whole P/MB cycle. To voice it again, my wife and this board has proven absolutely indispensable in the fight to stay sober, and I can't imagine ever working through this alone. Once again, it's time to move toward an honest day's labor. Temperatures are predicted to be around 100F today with extremely high humidity levels. Welcome to Thailand, and do have a nice day!
|
|
rabbet
Junior Member
Posts: 56
|
Post by rabbet on Aug 8, 2007 2:10:45 GMT -5
Just a quick check-in this morning before work. I'm going in four hours early today so I can leave before the afternoon temps hit the 100 degree mark. My company has its shortcomings like the rest of them, but they have plenty of positive attributes, as well!
I found in the recycling bin a piece of mail I'd not seen that was addressed to me. It was a small (15 page?) glossy catalog from some motorcycle supply outfit. Being a fairly rabid motorcyclist I picked it up and started flipping through it. I immediately saw why it was in the recycling bin, all the gear in the first pages being modeled by, well, "models" who seemed quite under dressed to be motorcycling in the first place.
I was surprised to find myself flipping rapidly past these pages and settling in the rear of the catalog where the heavy-duty body armor was displayed. That type of gear doesn't "display" a model's attributes worth a damn so it was mostly just pictures of the gear itself.
I found myself growing disgusted that the company felt the need to fill their gear with scantily clad women in an attempt to get me to buy it. I feel the maneuver was/is absurd, since any purchases of safety gear I would be making would hinge upon a particular piece of gear's potential survivability in a crash. How it looks draped open on a young woman half my age who weighs half what I do could hardly be deemed as relevant, wouldn't you think?
After thinking it through for probably less than half a minute, I thanked my wife's foresight and consideration and tossed it back into the recycling bin where it might serve some significant purpose.
Wow, 3:00am and it's already (still?) uncomfortably hot!
|
|
|
Post by Mayberry on Aug 8, 2007 6:14:28 GMT -5
I enjoyed reading your thoughts on advertising; yes, there is a logical disconnect between selling motorcycle safety gear and modeling it on half-naked girls, isn't there?
I'm curious, would you--in retrospect--have gained strength from having made the decision to toss that out when it came in the mail rather than have tossed it after you fished it out of the recycling? Did you ask your wife if she had tossed it on purpose (it was, after all, addressed to you)? If she did toss it on purpose, did you or do you feel any resentment that she made such a decision "for you"? Is it possible that she may have tossed it based not on thinking "for you" (having consideration and foresight, as you put it) but because she was triggered by seeing half-naked women come into her home? These are all just points of pondering.
Good luck with your hot day at work and congratulations on your continued abstinence.
|
|
rabbet
Junior Member
Posts: 56
|
Post by rabbet on Aug 14, 2007 19:03:48 GMT -5
Having started to consider/realize just how depressed I am, I find myself faced with a much larger spectre than I initially thought I was dealing with.
How much more is there? Is it just P/MB addiction + depression, or is there more. MUCH more? It should certainly be interesting to see how this plays out over the coming days and weeks and months.
To answer your questions, mayberry, any victory I achieve, in any context, is still a victory. Whether my wife threw out my mail and I was okay with that or if I threw it out myself really doesn't matter. That I recognized it as ridiculous and basically geared TOWARD triggering an impulse purchase through the use of sex and that it went into the trash because of that realization, the whole incident was a personal victory.
|
|
|
Post by Mayberry on Aug 15, 2007 7:39:21 GMT -5
Good for you on winning the battle with advertising.
I am sorry to hear that you're depressed, and GLAD to hear that you're recognizing it. There may be "much more", as you put it, but I will be interested in seeing how YOU play it out in the coming days and weeks and month. I hope you will rally your friends and family to your side (if you can't or won't tell them you're fighting PA, I hope you'll tell them you're fighting depression) and get the help you need.
Nothing you have done or have felt in the past prevents you from being a new man in the future. Only stasis and depression can keep you mired in the past. I will pray that you get any and all help you need to step out of the mire and into a better place.
|
|
rabbet
Junior Member
Posts: 56
|
Post by rabbet on Aug 16, 2007 20:33:47 GMT -5
I haven't felt much like writing the past few days. The heat and humidity are just oppressive right now and only seem to add to the duress I'm feeling inside. Depression has been a significant issue for me lately, but I seem able to recognize it for what it is, thus avoiding bridge jumps, self-inflicted gunshot wounds, and other less than desirable behaviors.
Today marks six weeks of abstinence. I'm frustrated, tired, depressed, and hot. The hobby fund is languishing, but I'm trying to look at that as an exercise in defeating the instant gratification mindset.
On the plus side, my wife is still speaking to me, I have a good job, everyone's healthy and autumn's approaching. I had a minor motorcycle wreck last week and only tore my bike up. I'm actively seeking out a therapist. I'm six weeks sober.
I'm not really motivated to write this evening, I guess. I think I need yet another shower (third one today!) and an early bedtime.
|
|
|
Post by LookingUp on Aug 17, 2007 6:33:27 GMT -5
Congratulation on your 6 weeks -- and Mrs. Rabbet still talking to you.... you sound very blessed indeed! Are you aware there's an organization for therapists who are trained to work with SA/PA? You can find ones in your area here - you'll need to copy and paste: sash.net/component/option,com_mtree/Itemid,55/ LookingUp
|
|
rabbet
Junior Member
Posts: 56
|
Post by rabbet on Aug 17, 2007 15:05:33 GMT -5
Thanks for the link, LU, but someone had forwarded that link to me several days ago. I had decided to use sash.net as my primary resource mostly because of the thread that was started concerning "allowed porn in a recover plan?", lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=1187209180 ,which I thought highlighted the fact that there are lots of therapists who are not really schooled in dealing with a problem like this. It seems that everyone wants (and is mostly able) to help with depression, so focusing on therapists with a solid background of dealing with sexual issues seemed like the logical place to start. I feel some better today, not as depressed but sort of detached. I had a trying night, got up at 2:30am and got started on my day. It was already hot and extremely humid. Work was even more chaotic than usual and I finally made it home around 3:30 this afternoon. For some reason the a/c here at home wouldn't kick on but it finally straightened up and started working and the house is starting to cool off a little. I need ANOTHER shower! I think the wife and I are going out tonight and I'm really looking forward to it. I'd better go get some housework done before the Mrs. gets home...
|
|
|
Post by LookingUp on Aug 17, 2007 15:37:57 GMT -5
I'm glad you're making decisions that are helping you progress to where you want to be - fully recovered! That's terrific.
Glad you're feeling better today. Any ideas why the detachment?
LookingUp
|
|
rabbet
Junior Member
Posts: 56
|
Post by rabbet on Aug 18, 2007 12:06:03 GMT -5
I'm not sure that detachment is the correct term for what I feel. I wonder if perhaps it's a kind of self-protection strategy? Is it a learned apathy that wells up whenever I find myself facing a situation that reminds me of being little and in trouble yet again? I could roll this around in my mind for the rest of my life and never come to a conclusion.
I hold things inside me. Why? Probably because I grew up in an environment that was absolutely NOT supportive and I learned at a very early age to completely mask my thoughts and feelings or face ridicule. Granted, that may have had nothing to do with it, but if I were a gambling man...
I went in to work this morning and managed to get a few things done. The temperature is actually moderate today so I'm planning to do something outside. I got a voice mail from a therapist last night and she said she'd be happy to try working with me. Hopefully I can get that show on the road early next week.
|
|
|
Post by LookingUp on Aug 18, 2007 12:52:06 GMT -5
I wonder if perhaps it's a kind of self-protection strategy? I hope I'm not being too nosey, but I'm a bit confused why you would need self-protection on this anonymous board? It seems the anonymonity could be a place where you could practice discussing things about you with openness and responding with open firmness if somebody did show disrespect. I know I've learned a lot by watching others post, respond, flame, be supportive, etc. It gave me a "safe" place to practice those skills I didn't learn growing up... at least here if I made a major social goof - I didn't have to see what I imagined horror in their eyes! I was an abused child - when I was in my early 50s, I realized I could be proactive and stop my mother abusing me. She is now 91 and it never once crossed my mind for the past two decades that I could OUTRUN her. I just kept playing the same scene over and over and hoping for a different outcome. I finally started playing a different tune and now my Mom and I have a half-decent relationship (of course, living 3500 miles away and seeing her once a year helps ) I'm learning the skills I had as a child in a dysfunctional home are not the skills that are helping me create healthy relationships as an adult... the wake of disasterous broken relationships/marriages throughout my adulthood prove that. Sounds reasonable to me. But when you look in the mirror - you may notice you aren't that little boy any longer and have the potential to learn those adult skills to handle disrespect if people try to riducule you. If I say something and my husband's response appears to me to be rude, I say, "That sounded rude, did you mean it that way?" He's always shocked that he came across that way and is quite willing to rephrase it. But I use to would have pouted and withdrew emotionally for a few days to heal. I'm learning I can now have input now so I don't feel ridiculed - and if I am, then I can find other alternatives -- like taking a time out so I don't explode or finding ways to avoid the people who are rude. But it was really hard in my early 50s to start learning those skills that (I presume) people from "normal, healthy" (whatever that is) families learned at their parents' knees. Yippeee!!!! I'm so happy for you. Sorry I got long-winded on your journal. Hope something in there is helpful for your recovery. LookingUp
|
|
rabbet
Junior Member
Posts: 56
|
Post by rabbet on Aug 18, 2007 23:15:20 GMT -5
No, LU, the protection has nothing to do with here on the board. Sorry if that's how it came across.
The detachment is a feeling that develops here in my real life. When I come home from work every evening for a week and my wife is angry about something, or is just quiet and avoids me, or whatever negative is going on in our personal interaction, after awhile I find the detachment growing and realizing an acceptance of the inevitability that things are going to be unpleasant at home.
That's just one example, but it's one that I've noticed as having a more profound effect on me recently.
I often have a very difficult time remembering that I'm no longer the child I used to be. It's so easy to fall back on the conditioning that was imprinted on me at such an early age, and my wife's intellect and scathing wit can push me back into that corner almost effortlessly, or so it seems. I've always felt that to confront people who I felt were attacking me verbally would place me in a mostly constant hostile posture, which in itself should indicate vastly excessive sensitivity because most people have too many problems on their own fronts to concern themselves with attacking me!
I do feel that most of my problems can be effectively dealt with. That will, of course, involve dragging some rather ugly things kicking and yowling into the light and stomping the life out of them. I'm guessing that's where the therapist will prove a most advantageous ally.
I've just started reading Patrick Carnes' "Out of the Shadows" and am at once gleeful that I don't have any of the issues his "examples" are being forced to deal with. I've been addicted to P and MB most of my life, and that's about the extent of the dark side for me. Some of these stories, while I'm sure are put there to illustrate that the reader's problems are nothing unique, well, I can empathize with the despair these people must have felt. At the same time, I'm ecstatic that my problems seem so very treatable, almost minuscule compared to this stuff.
Wow. I've certainly got the rambling thing going on this evening, don't I?
We paddled out to a previously unexplored (by us) island out in the middle of our river this afternoon. It's immediately below the hydroelectric plant but cut off from the plant's island by a deep channel, in which we saw a beautiful gar swimming lazily in the current. The river was exceptionally clear today.
We walked within about twenty yards of a large flock of Canada geese before the excitement of having visitors drove them to the water. After fighting our way across this spit of mid-channel land, the wife dubbed it "Weed-Ass Island", and we both had a nice laugh about that. Being mostly stripped bare time and again by high water, it was covered with some small willows and a dearth of milkweed vine, something that looked like four-foot-tall carrot tops (that smelled like chrysanthemums), river cane, and all kinds of bugs and spiders. Fortunately, no venomous snakes, but the habitat looked promising.
It was a nice day and a reminder of past days spent afield and days yet to come. The wife loosened up and seemed to enjoy herself more as the trip unfolded, and I found great joy in that. We swam in the river and I played up my nervousness about gar attacks, to her apparent glee. Often, I wonder if we'll be able to work through this at all. It's especially nice on the occasions like today when I feel like we will.
|
|
|
Post by LookingUp on Aug 19, 2007 6:35:50 GMT -5
When I come home from work every evening for a week and my wife is angry about something, or is just quiet and avoids me, or whatever negative is going on in our personal interaction, after awhile I find the detachment growing and realizing an acceptance of the inevitability that things are going to be unpleasant at home. I can relate with that from both sides. I lived like that for a year or so (and still occasionally) when my husband gave up drinking (without AA or any support but himself). I also find myself doing that in relation to my husband's PA. The world tells me to leave him - the church people tell me to work it out - and my mind fluctuates between the two extremes; often detaching is my sanity saver and my marriage saver. Often I'm quiet just because I know if I'd say anything then I'm gonna blast him unmercifully. I analyze that as the quiet road is better then the low road since I'm not in the place to take the high road. It's been over 3 years and I still have many days like that. I'm hoping that if he ever has full disclosure and starts doing "recovery" things that I will feel more safe in this marriage and not feel like I'm walking on the edge of a rain-drenched cliff all the time. His position is he quit drinking on his own so he can quit porning on his own. Maybe that is true, but *I* don't see him doing anything to reverse what got him into those addictions. I don't see him willing to do anything to help me regain trust... he says I lost the trust, it's up to me to find it. Well, enough about me.... I certainly understand that; I still find myself doing that at times. Maybe that's why I detach as mentioned above - because I don't feel I'll be heard if I speak? Or I do speak and he walks off without responding. Oops sorry to self-analyze on your thread. Is she aware of that? Is that something you could discuss with her? My husband is very intelligent and also has a scathing wit; thank goodness he never turns his wit on me - - he knows me well enough that he can use his wit wickedly on others out of their hearing in a way that I will find humorous. That's especially true on the long trips (3,500 miles each way) home. He does have to be careful not to use his wit against women's clothing, hair or body or it triggers me... what was he doing gazing at her enough to notice? I remember fluctuating when I was learning that. Part of me was relieved that most of those perceived attacks aren't personal; but part of me was disappointed that I wasn't the hub of the wheel of life. I think I'm more balanced in that area now. Possibly it isn't excessive sensitivity - but just nature's way of letting you know that's an area that may need a little fine-tuning. One of the things I learned in counseling was that I wasn't totally defective - I just needed to take my "vehicle of thought" in for it's 50-year tune-up. There wasn't anything majorily out of kilter; just had a few bugs on my radiator, one tire was a little low, needed an oil change, etc. Just finding new ways to look at some of the old stuff that kept repeating in hurtful ways. For me, counseling was a very validating experience - as was doing my 4th step-work for Overeater's Anonymous. I discovered I had some "fine-tune" areas but I had a lot on the ball that I hadn't given myself credit for. You'll probably find that as you go through counseling. Let's face it, if we're as defective as we sometimes lead ourselves to believe - then we wouldn't be out on the street but in a nice, safe, padded cell. The first few sessions felt a bit like that since it was a new experience, but as I developed trust and camaraderie - I was glad to lay those ugly things out in the light of day and let them be sanitized. Finding new ways to look at those problems made them strengths or at least neutrals that weren't tripping me up. That may be a bit addict think? Not sure. I know I've felt that way because I wasn't morbidly obese like some of the women and men of O.A. (Overeater's Anonymous). I'd never ate food from the garbage can. I'd never ate food that was spoiled. I'd never ate food in the grocery store and hid the wrapper so I didn't have to pay. Thus, I saw my problems as minor compared to the 400+ pound members of O.A. who were told loose weight or you'll die. But when I compared myself physically to the member who had been hospitalized for anorexia as a youth (flip side of same coin), I had to realize I did have a big problem.... I was an addict and the depth of depravity my inner-addict had brought me to was irrelevant. It was the grace of God that had kept me from being a 400+ pound member. I was/am a food addict. If I minimize that, then it's easy to justify that I can have an extra helping, I can eat a box of chocolates, I can....... and eventually discover I'm one of the 400+ pound members who are told to loose weight or die. God gave me a scripture to help me in this area: "That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original." (Gal 5: 13-MSG) I like it. You seem intelligent and your writing is well-thought out and easily understandable and quite descriptive. Where we use to live, the Canada geese were not afraid of humans. They would come to our back porch and beg breadcrumbs. Quite the bold birds and quite hot-tempered if we didn't give them all they thought their begging deserved. The loons were the opposite - ran away fast. My husband would be quite impressed - most Americans call them Canadian geese - and he's always correcting them. He says Canadian geese need passports to cross the border but Canada geese don't. You are a very good writer - I can almost see where you visited in my mind's eye. I'm glad you had that glimmer of hope. Often those help us remember why we're doing all this hard work of recovery. LookingUp
|
|