rabbet
Junior Member
Posts: 56
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Post by rabbet on Jul 21, 2007 6:52:30 GMT -5
I'm a porn addict. I have been for many years and had managed to keep it hidden from everyone. For most of those years, I never saw it as being a problem. It was just a simple aspect of my life.
My wife found porn on my computer approximately a year ago. There was a great upheaval over it with much stress and anxiety and I resolved to clean myself up. Afterward, though, I still didn't see it as being much of a problem (more her problem than mine, I rationalized) and was soon back online looking at porn.
Needless to say, there were a number of similar incidences in the interim and with the last one (about three weeks ago?) something clicked inside me. I installed Covenant Eyes on my computer (with my wife serving as my accountability partner) and was directed toward this board.
In reading through the posts here, I began to gain an incredible amount of insight into how my addiction was/is slowly and relentlessly destroying me. So many of my seemingly insignificant behavioral quirks seem to be shared with so many other PA's.
The most significant gift I received from the posts here is surely the opportunity to look at my problem through the eyes of the SO's. That insight has really parted the veil that has made it so easy to wallow in this for so long.
I've been what I think you would call sober for almost two weeks now. No porn, no MB, no fantasizing, nothing. My mind has occasionally flashed sexual imagery but I've managed to quell them with reading, working, alternative thoughts (columns of numbers, how to splice rope, picturing various birds, etc) and so on. So far, so good.
I smoked for sixteen years and one day decided that I was done. I'd tried quitting before and failed, but I'd never made the decision that I was really done. That was almost fifteen years ago and I've never lit another one. It's my sincere hope that I can be as strong now as I was then.
Thanks for listening~
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 21, 2007 16:15:59 GMT -5
Congratulations on your two weeks sober. Congratulations on your fifteen years of no tobacco. I'm proud of you for wanting to turn your life around and stop your addiction.
LookingUp
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rabbet
Junior Member
Posts: 56
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Post by rabbet on Jul 22, 2007 6:43:07 GMT -5
Thanks, LookingUp, for your kind words of encouragement. It's indeed a blessing to have found this board and have the opportunity to learn from so many knowledgeable people like yourself.
Some things that I've recently changed:
1. Open the blinds. When the sun comes up, so do the blinds. I've always been inclined to close off the outside world and keeping the shades drawn has undoubtedly been a way of shielding myself and my habit.
2. Indulge alternative thoughts. When my mind conjures these random sexual images, the best way I've found for dealing with them is to swiftly replace them with alternative thoughts and images. I've used canoes, knots, flintlock rifles, birds, chemistry, woodworking, surveying, history, motorcycles, anything to focus on instead of sex. It seems to be working really well so far (cross fingers here).
3. Visit the board daily and read about how others are dealing with their addiction. Consider how the techniques employed by others can help me. Use this information to construct a workable recovery plan for myself.
4. Post in this thread every day. Expressing my successes and failures, accomplishments and frustrations, seems to serve getting this out in the open and literally sheds light upon it. More in the way of "open the blinds", I suppose.
5. Talk to my wife. So often when she's asked "How did you sleep?" I would say "Fine". I didn't sleep fine. I slept fine for the first couple of hours and the remainder of the night was fraught with fractured dreams of all types, distorted sexual imagery when I was only half awake, frustration, panic attacks, etc. Telling her exactly how I feel (while often sounding whiny) seems to make us both feel better in the long run.
6. Do more "stuff" with my family. My wife and daughter bought a canoe yesterday for my birthday present and we took it out on the river for its inaugural run last evening. Had a picnic on one of the islands and I seemed to reconnect to something that had long been missing. There should be more "stuff" like that in our lives.
I'm rapidly closing in on three weeks sober. So far, so good.
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rabbet
Junior Member
Posts: 56
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Post by rabbet on Jul 24, 2007 4:18:49 GMT -5
Yesterday was such a boring, non-eventful day from a PA standpoint that I was tied up in doing positive things and didn't even post here. My mind was clear, temptation seemed completely missing, and I was able to focus on whatever task needed doing. The stress I'm dealing with at work is (to me, at least) simply unbelievable, but I did a decent job of juggling all that's going on there, too. One of the older guys invited me to his house later in the week to sift through his collection of old and rare books to assist in an upcoming hobby project. That appealed to me in that I recognize the need to focus on building friendships with people who share similar interests.
All was normal until I went to sleep. To say the sex-based dreams were vivid would be a gross understatement. They seemed to be continuous throughout the night and of a degree of clarity seldom seen in the past. I've had dreams this intense before, but I recall them as being just individual snippets. This was as if my entire dream state was operating up near optimum levels. I was ecstatic when the alarm went off and I kissed the wife's shoulder and then scrambled out of bed and downstairs I went.
Is it strange that I don't feel dirty or wrong for having the dreams? I see them as the by-product of quitting, I think. Just a manifestation of the stress my mind and body are going through at the moment. By not acting out upon waking, I feel stronger and even more confident that I can beat this. Some of the dreams involved strong resistance on my part, which is a totally new experience for me. I suppose today's challenge will be to put all of this new imagery out of my mind and get on with addressing the everyday stresses that so easily wear down one's resistance.
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Post by Mayberry on Jul 24, 2007 13:01:08 GMT -5
Hold fast, rabbet. Hold fast! Your "some things I changed" looks remarkably like the start of a recovery plan, by the way. I am only dropping in here for a moment, but wanted to post a word of encouragement for you. I hope some of the "fellows" here will give you some feedback on some of what you're going through physically right now. Thanks for sharing your journey. Jinn
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 24, 2007 20:37:44 GMT -5
Some of the dreams involved strong resistance on my part, which is a totally new experience for me. That sounds really positive to me. When I was working through some stuff a few years ago, I would have unsetteling dreams. I found meditating on these scriptures before bed helped:
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Post by Mayberry on Jul 25, 2007 12:58:38 GMT -5
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rabbet
Junior Member
Posts: 56
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Post by rabbet on Jul 26, 2007 4:18:58 GMT -5
Thanks for the link, Mayberry, and the scriptures, LookingUp. As with most people (I think), there's consolation to be found in knowing that I'm not alone in this.
My daughter was commenting just yesterday about my sleeping habits or lack thereof. She couldn't remember me ever sleeping "like a normal person". I can recall sleeping what seemed like a lot when I was younger but after I left the military, I don't think I ever went back to normal sleep periods.
Sleeping 4-5 hours a night has never really bothered me if I can manage to sleep soundly while I'm there. The nights that are littered with dreams are a different story. I slept like the dead last night and don't feel unusually sleepy this morning. The coffee hasn't taken hold yet, but we're moving in that direction.
I don't have a definite sobriety date, but I've been about three weeks sober, now. I feel so random. I can't seem to focus this morning like I think I should. I feel tired and depressed but I'm resolved to keep fighting forward.
I was telling my wife last night how I've been missing the people in my life who've died. Just the last couple of weeks, the absence of my dad and some of the other people who contributed so greatly to who I am (mentors, I guess?), has been especially noticeable. Perhaps I'm wallowing in opportunities forever missed?
Enough typing for me. It's time to move off into the world and get another day underway.
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rabbet
Junior Member
Posts: 56
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Post by rabbet on Jul 27, 2007 18:20:53 GMT -5
For the past two days it's been frustration, hopelessness, despair, and a general feeling of "What's left for me?". I was doing so good and then I sailed off the edge of the earth, or so it would seem.
I worry SOOOOOOOOO much about my poor, long-suffering wife. Anything I do now must surely have a trailer-load of subtext attached to it. Can we ever be intimate again? I'm kinda stumped as to how we can pull that off.
It seems as though (after reading all the SO posts on here) that one can attach any number of negative aspects to anything that can be even vaguely misconstrued as sexual in nature. Under what magnification will we be scrutinizing today, I wonder?
I find myself questioning anything I've ever found stimulating and seem able, with enough dedication, to trace its origins back to some point that ties it into either child porn, sex workers, or some other extremely negative aspect of human sexuality.
I recently read a statement attributed to an FBI agent that stated with the current state of forensic technology, they could prove "beyond reasonable doubt" that almost anybody did anything. I think that's where I'm standing at the moment. No matter what I think/feel/do/say, it can be construed as sexually perverse and incriminating and just another reason I should be taken out back and shot.
I feel dirty and exhausted and useless, in spite of my sobriety.
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 27, 2007 20:01:21 GMT -5
I feel dirty and exhausted and useless, in spite of my sobriety. Do you think your "inner addict" might be trying to get you to accept that verdict so he can regain control? Please remember how God sees you.... I'd encourage you to read Psalms 139. I especially love verse 16 from the MSG version, "Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day." Oh, my, that means God knew back when you were a few celled blob attaching to your mother's uterus that you would one day feel dirty, exausted and useless - and He still assured you'd come into the world (probably red, wrinkley and squawling). Since many addicts say they don't even recognize emotions; I rejoice that you are feeling emotions and even putting labels to them (even if they are the challenging ones that we often call painful). That you are accepting responsibility and making changes in your life. That rocks! I'm sure God is singing a little song over you - because your heart is moving away from sin and towards holiness. I think that's why we take one day at a time - whether we're the addict or the spouse. (Matthew 6:24). Remember with God, ALL things are possible. Does she a gree that she's long-suffering? She may see this as an adventure you two can share so you can grow individually and grow closer together and bond in areas that wouldn't have happened without this valley to walk through together. With less then a month sober, could you be in the withdrawal stage? If so, from what I've read on the PA side - withdrawal can be emotionally and sometimes physically very challenging - but it does get better.
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Post by whoami on Jul 27, 2007 23:16:54 GMT -5
Hi Rabbet. I think you might be in the withdrawal stages too. It looks, sounds and smells like withdrawal.
You feel like you should be taken outside and SHOT.
This is how my H felt, in the first year. I just want to tell you a story about his dreams, in that first year. (And I know we are all different, but I hope I can relate it correctly)
H was on a craggy cliff in Scotland (so it would translate, to that country) He looked down on a funeral procession in which the corpse was all laid out in her pornographic splendor, naked, but dead. In the funeral procession, his mom was there, ( problems with her that still need looking in to)
My H went thru Hell, in the process of giving up his fixes. He felt dirty and exhausted too, but is hanging in...and getting better. No matter how weird and awful this feels for you Rabbet, you are worth it and life is SO much more than this! HANG IN THERE. You and your family are worth so much more than this horrible addiction. Prayers for you and your family!!!!
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rabbet
Junior Member
Posts: 56
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Post by rabbet on Jul 28, 2007 19:50:31 GMT -5
Thanks for the positive reinforcement, guys!
Here's a fine example of how this thing works. For the last two days I've wished I was dead so I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. I went to bed last night feeling as if I would awake for the gallows or some such. I woke up at approximately 3:30am after a fitful dream sequence (disconnected, random, abstract stuff) and decided it best to go ahead and get up.
Started the coffee pot and then got online. Checked out the news, some items on eBay, and then came over here to read the latest posts. Only three weeks sober and I find myself unafraid to be up in the wee hours surfing the internet while my wife is upstairs sleeping. Not even the slightest impulse to "just take a peek" (insert back flip here).
After several cups of coffee, some drawing, and some reading, I took a shower, got dressed, and headed off to work. Just an ordinary average guy with no worries to speak of, no misery, no despair, nothing at all like the last two days.
I've had a great day. The wife and I went grocery shopping and aside from that Germanic anxiety/control issue thing she experiences when I push the cart, it was a fine trip. Very pleasant all the way around, today was.
What a freak show, eh? Maybe the next few days will be good ones. Maybe the next couple of weeks will be good ones...
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rabbet
Junior Member
Posts: 56
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Post by rabbet on Jul 30, 2007 4:15:20 GMT -5
I spent most all of yesterday at church. We did the regular Sunday school/morning service thing and then after lunch at home I went back to the church to work on the electrical system. That took up a goodly portion of the afternoon. The chair of trustees dropped by and we did a walking tour of the old building, looking at some of the more pressing maintenance issues. I helped her go over some materials concerning a series of break-ins last year for which she will be testifying about this week in court. When I finally got home it felt as if I'd actually accomplished something.
I've been thinking about making a pair of moccasins, the one piece type traditionally used by a number of the eastern woodland Indian tribes. Last night my wife helped me work up the pattern for them by tracing around my feet as I tried giving instructions. I was afraid it might prove frustrating for both of us but I found it to be a great deal of fun. I miss doing things with her and am going to make a concerted effort to do more things like this.
I still spend quite a bit of time on the computer. I'm currently trying to sell a bunch of stuff on ebay, been researching these moccasins, spending a ton of time here at no-porn.com, etc. The urge to look at porn and MB never really seems to go away but it's far more manageable than I ever thought it would be. I have to contribute that to reading the SO posts here and finally being able to see the effects this addiction has on the partners of SAs.
There are bad days, there are good days. I'll be thankful for the good days. I'll slog through the bad days knowing that better days are coming.
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Post by Mayberry on Jul 31, 2007 4:28:22 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]Happy birthday, rabbet! [/glow]I hope the year ahead for you is full of love, and growth, and positive change. ;D
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rabbet
Junior Member
Posts: 56
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Post by rabbet on Aug 2, 2007 4:12:44 GMT -5
It's 5:00am and I'm just checking in. Somewhere around today is my four week anniversary of being P and MB free. I really didn't think it was possible.
I wondered out loud yesterday if I was just white-knuckling my way through this. I've been doing a lot of reading and talking to my wife and I think, importantly for me, talking to myself.
At this point, I'm trying to identify and understand the hidden motivators that have led me to where I stand today. What opened me to the addiction in the first place? What was missing (or was present) in my life that empowered this? No solid answers yet. My life has had some bizarre twists and turns, but then aren't most of our lives quite a way from idyllic?
For now I'll focus on getting through today and working on successfully completing the month of August.
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